Boundaries Quotes!

Boundaries Highlights

(*the significantly narrowed version)

"Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the law of sowing and reaping in their loved ones life.  Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping!"

"Freedom begets freedom.  If we are walking in the Spirit, we give people the freedom to make their own choices... When we accept others' freedom, we feel better about our own."

"It's very common for boundary-injured people to do some 'catching up' with anger.  They may have a season of looking at boundary violations of the past that they never realized existed... This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims... You need to practice and gain assertiveness.  You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion."

"We know that God is not mean to people who are afraid... but He will not enable passivity.  God wants us to 'preserve our souls.'  That is the role of boundaries."

"God's plan is that we learn how to love.  Relational problems can only be solved in relationships.  Because of our [relational] fears, we try to have secret boundaries.  An important thing to remember is that boundaries exist, and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them.  If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation."

"Boundaries are a 'litmus test' for the quality of our relationships.  Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our no.  They only love our yes, our compliance...  Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically."

"Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is indispensable.  When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne that should only be occupied by God... When we have a person we can't take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them. All they have to do is threaten withdrawal and we will comply."

"Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around, so they are able to send you back to old patterns by their very presence.  You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth.  The first step in establishing boundaries is becoming aware of old family patterns that you are still continuing in the present."  

"One step in growing up is coming out from under parental authority and putting yourself under God's authority."

"Be aware of your pull toward hurtful situations and relationships.  The injury you are recovering from is serious, and you can't reestablish a relationship until you have the proper tools.  Be careful not to get sucked into a controlling situation again because your wish for reconciliation is so strong."

"The difference between responding and reacting is choice.  When you react, they are in control.  When you respond, you are."

"It's scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to us... is love.  And that's the one thing we can't control.  At any moment, a person can walk away from a friendship.  However, as we enter more and more into an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love.  We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken.  And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection."

"Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control your spouse.  It is the opposite.  It is giving up control and beginning to love.  You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."

"You may need to stop confusing your parent with your spouse.  No other relationship repeats parental conflicts more often than the marriage relationship."

"Discipline and punishment have a different relationship to time.  Punishment looks back.  It focuses on making payment for the wrongs done in the past.  Discipline, however, looks forward.  The lessons we learn from discipline help us not to make the same mistakes again."

"[Children] need to know that the world doesn't revolve around them.  The longer we hate and resist the limits of others, the more dependent we will be on others.  We expect others to take care of us, rather than simply taking care of ourselves... At its heart, the idea of respecting others' boundaries is the basis for empathy, or loving others as we'd like to be loved.  Children need to be given the grace of having their no respected, and they need to learn to give that same grace to others."

"You owe no one an explanation about why you will not do something that is not your responsibility!  Favors and sacrifices are part of the Christian life.  Enabling is not.  Learn to tell the difference by seeing if your giving is helping the other to become better or worse."

"If your job is driving you crazy, you need to do something about it.  Own the problem.  Stop being a victim and start setting some limits."

"YOU MUST SEE YOURSELF AS THE PROBLEM, NOT THE OTHER PERSON.  TO SEE ANOTHER PERSON AS THE PROBLEM TO BE FIXED IS TO GIVE THAT PERSON POWER OVER YOU AND YOUR WELL-BEING.  YOU ARE THE ONE IN PAIN, AND ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO FIX IT."

"Avoid trying to gain the approval of [the overly critical] person.  It will never work, and you will only feel controlled.  Avoid getting into arguments and discussions.  You will never win.  Remember the Proverb, 'Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult... Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you.'  Stay separate.  Keep your boundaries."

"Boundaries are where our identity comes from.  Boundaries define what is me and what is not me... More often than not, [disliking your job] is a boundary problem.  They have not been able to own their own gifts, talents, wants, desires, and dreams because they are unable to set boundaries on others' definitions and expectations of them... You must make sure that your boundaries are strong enough that you do not let others define you.  Work with God to find out who you really are and what kind of work you are made for... Take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want.  Assess your talents and limitations.  Then you must begin to step out as God leads you."

"Our boundary conflicts may not be all our fault.  They are, however, our responsibility!"

"Do-it-yourself people will often fall back into a cognitive or willpower approach, simply because it's not as slow or as risky... they're heading toward another quick-fix dead end!  Symptomatic relief - trying to solve a problem by only dealing with the symptoms - generally leads to more symptoms... Isolation guarantees spiritual vulnerability.  Plugging in is neither an option nor a luxury; it is a spiritual and emotional life-and-death issue."

"People who spend their lives trying to avoid failure are also eluding maturity."

"The most primary damage done is that the victim loses a sense of TRUST.  We need to be able to trust our perceptions of reality and to be able to let significant people matter to us.  Our ability to trust ourselves is based on our experience of others as trustworthy.  Boundary work can be extremely helpful in moving victims toward restoration and healing." [They clarify that some victims will need professional help to begin setting boundaries, and encourage counseling.]

"Many people shut down emotionally because they feel that it is not safe to tell [God] how angry they are at Him.  Until they feel the anger, they cannot feel the loving feelings underneath the anger.  We often fear being honest because it was not safe to express honesty in our earthly relationships.  People abandoned us or attacked us when we told them how we really felt.  Rest assured, however, that God desires truth in our "inner being."  He is seeking people who will have a real relationship with Him.  He wants to hear it all, no matter how bad it seems to us.  When we own what is within our boundaries, when we bring it into the light, God can transform it with His love."

"Boundaries are not to do away with the fundamental oneness or unity that we have with [God], but they are to define the two parties in unity.  There is no unity without distinct identities, and boundaries define the distinct identities involved."

"For thousands of years, GOD HAS GIVEN PEOPLE THE CHOICE BETWEEN LIVING LIVES OF RUIN OR POSSESSING WHAT HE HAS SECURED FOR THEM.  And it has always involved battles.  We have to fight for our healing.  God has secured our salvation and sanctification.  In position and principle, He has healed us.  But we have to work out His image in us.  As we become like Him, He is redeeming our boundaries and limits."

"The person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem.  Staying separate from another's anger is vitally important...  There is great power in inactivity.  Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course.  Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do."

"Sometimes, the hard truth is that they will not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship if they cannot control you.  This is a true risk.  God takes this risk every day.  When people choose their own ways, He lets them go.  Sometimes we have to do the same."

"No weapon in the arsenal of the controlling person is as strong as the guilt message... guilt messages are not given for your growth and good.  They are given to manipulate and control... If guilt works on you, recognize that this is YOUR problem and not theirs.  If you continue to blame other people for 'making' you feel guilty, they still have power over you.  Be assertive, and interpret their messages as being about their feelings."

"Know the risk and prepare.  The consequences of setting boundaries will be countermoves by controlling people.  They will react to your act of boundary setting.  As difficult or as costly as they seem, [the consequences] hardly compare to the loss of your 'very self.'"

"Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.  We do not open ourselves up to the other party until we have seen that she has truly owned her part of the problem."

"We tend to hold on to the hope that 'someday they will love me' and continue to try to get someone who is unable to love us to change.  This wish must be mourned and let go so that our hearts can be opened to the new things God wants for us.  Many times, to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time.  But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief.  Giving up boundaries to get love postpones the inevitable: the realization of the truth about the person, the embracing of the sadness of that truth, and the letting go and moving on with life."

"Your misery is not their fault.  The problem is that you lack boundaries.  Behind the failure to set limits is the fear of loss.  Identify whose love you are going to have to give up if you choose to live.  Place a name to it.  Who are you going to have to put on the alter and give to God?  Your strong tie to that person is keeping you stuck... Face what you will never have from this person (or who this person symbolizes).  This will be like a funeral.  To let go of what you never had is difficult... but all of your attempts to preserve the old life were taking a lot of energy and opening you up to a lot of abuse and control.  Letting go is the way to peace."

"Have confidence in your ability to learn!  There is nothing that you are presently doing that you did not have to learn.  Once you realize that you are able to learn new things and handle new situations, you cease fearing the future.  Many depressed people suffer from a syndrome called 'learned helplessness' ...You can learn new ways of relating and functioning.  This is the essence of the personal power God wants you to have!"

"If I am not forgiving them, I am still in a destructive relationship with them."

"Many stay in destructive relationships because they fear abandonment.  They would rather have no boundaries and some connection than have boundaries and be all alone.  Boundaries are not built in a vacuum.  They must be undergirded by strong bonding to safe people, or they will fail.  If you have a good support group to go to after setting boundaries with someone you love, you will not be alone.  No matter how caustic the criticism or how severe the rejection of the one we're in conflict with, we aren't alone.  And that makes all the difference in the world in boundary setting."

"Whatever we don't value, we don't guard...  When Christians begin to value getting well, recovering, and developing themselves into the image of God, a shift occurs.  They begin desiring a return on God's investment.  Taking care of themselves becomes more important."

"Running into resistance is a good sign that you are doing what you need to do.  These resistances will surely come.  I promise you.  If they didn't, you would have set boundaries a long time ago.  
...IT WILL BE WORTH IT."

~Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend