Authentic Harmony

And now, some deep thoughts on this cold and rainy day… I would have struggled to articulate this well, but something clicked into place for me last month while reading an article on personality types and relationships.  

I’ll summarize the part that stood out to me: 

Both INFJs and ENFPs value group harmony and personal authenticity.  That makes sense from all I’ve seen.  But when the two are in conflict, INFJs tend to prioritize maintaining peace and harmony over speaking their minds, considering the feelings and needs of others and striving to minimize any conflict.  While ENFPs prioritize inner authenticity over group harmony, a quality that simultaneously appeals to and scares the INFJ... (so we love their bold honesty but cringe if we notice others getting uncomfortable).  This article said ENFPs sometimes question whether their INFJ friends are being real with them because they've seen us "play chameleon” too many times, but it also said that "maintaining harmony is authentic for the INFJ," which made sense to me for a lot of reasons.  And it was helpful to read that.

This doesn't actually “fix” anything, but it helps me feel less frustrated and irritated with myself.  Because I don't want to be a "morpher," and I don't want to be fake, but I feel that way sometimes when I put group harmony above personal authenticity (or love above truth).

My desire/need for outer harmony -- for the people around me to be okay -- is why I suppress so many of my thoughts and opinions.  It’s why I stayed put too long in a church that I knew was not right for me.  Why I agonize over some decisions others might make quickly.  And it’s one of the reasons I keep hitting a wall while trying to write a memoir book.  My desire to avoid hurting others outweighs my desire to tell my story or “speak my truth.”  The two are not always in conflict, but being real and authentic while maintaining outer harmony just feels very tricky to me sometimes.  This is why I am drawn to people who tell it the way they see it and don't worry so much about whether they're offending or pleasing people.  It is a difficult thing for me to do, and since I have little practice with it, I sometimes go overboard when I do finally speak up and confront something.

I really am good at sensing the emotions and feelings of others and “playing chameleon,” as they put it, which is not always a bad thing.  But I don’t love that quality when I stay silent to keep the peace with very vocal people who see things differently.  If I'm with one person who tells crude jokes and expects me to laugh and another who is easily offended and expects me to feel the same way, I can feel myself trying to redirect topics and keep things on a more comfortable, casual level.  (Or trying to leave, depending on the situation.)  But either way, I'm feeling lots of tension while trying to keep everyone else from feeling any, and that gets exhausting.  (And explains why I love my alone time. lol)

It helps me to know that this inner conflict is normal for INFJs, but I want to find a better balance here.  To use my voice and speak up for what I believe more often.  To not let shame or false guilt or the feelings I'm imagining and projecting onto other people keep me too quiet.  Keeping friends and family happy is not worth being fake or hiding or playing it small or missing out on better things God has for me!

In certain situations, it feels like one or the other has to win --  truth vs. love, authenticity vs. harmony -- but they really can coexist and work together.  Jesus managed to be loving and kind and gentle while also being truthful and real, to love others even while speaking harsh truths that might offend them, and He tells us to "speak the truth in love."  I have to be more concerned with having real love and real peace than having the appearance of peace.  I have the utmost respect for people who do this truth-in-love thing well, and I’m determined to improve here and join them! ❤