Battered

Domestic abuse has become alarmingly common in our society.  We see a lot of these cases at the courthouse, and they get to me every time.  (*I understand and acknowledge that it can happen on both sides of the gender spectrum, but the vast majority of what we see is arrogant, angry men trying to control and intimidate their emotionally/physically battered wives and girlfriends out of telling the truth about them.)  And because so many have fallen into battered woman syndrome, their partner's control tactics work way too often.  Over and over again, we see these frightened women changing their stories, pretending they were confused or mistaken when they reported the abuse, and refusing to testify against these bullying men... thereby empowering the men to continue hurting and abusing them, their children if they have kids, and others who are physically weaker than them.  It's always frustrating and painful because every person in the courtroom knows the obvious truth, but unless the woman in the middle of it is willing to speak up and fight for herself, no one else can get her out of that situation.

So this post is what I wish I could say to those women:

You deserve better.

You are not helpless or powerless. 

You are so much stronger than you think.  You have the power to get out of this toxic relationship.  

Stop making excuses for his behavior.  He is a grown adult and must take responsibility for his decisions and actions.

  

Being single does not make you one bit less valuable.  You deserve better, and singleness is a far better option than a toxic relationship that is continually damaging your soul.

We have not forgotten your words and your pain even when you've gone back to trying to mask it and hide and protect the abuser.  Your words have been heard, and they matter to us.  We will help you if you will let us.  Do not be defeated and go silent.  Please keep speaking up for yourself and your children.

 When he is not the type of man you want your sons to become or your daughters to choose for themselves, make it clear with your voice and your actions that it is not okay for men to behave this way and that women are not inferior and do not have to put up with abuse.

You may have been manipulated into minimizing your own emotions and pain and believing his lies, but you still know the truth in your heart.  You should listen to your intuition and trust your instincts.  When something feels off, that's because something is off.

You have a choice.
You are not bound.
You can leave.

There is sweet freedom and peace available for you, but you have to choose it.

You are too intelligent and strong to fall for his lies again.  You are not being mean or wrong or vengeful to want out of an abusive relationship.  You can forgive him without reconciling.  His repeated actions speak louder than his hollow promises, and he should not be given another chance to destroy you.

It is not wrong or conceited to have self-respect and fight for yourself.  But if that is still a struggle, then walk away for the sake of your children.  God placed you there to protect and to guide them.

It is normal and healthy and okay to feel righteously angry when you are severely mistreated and repeatedly beaten down.  God is angry about that too.  You matter, and you have every right to stand up for yourself and your children.

Take responsibility for your life and your future.  Relationship endings are undoubtedly one of the most painful things any of us will face on earth.  But sometimes it is necessary and leads you to far better things.

It will not be easy.  It will not be pretty.  It WILL be worth it.

Verbal/emotional abuse is still abuse!  Do not discount that or minimize it or make excuses for it.

*Sometimes the infidelity is more than an empty threat, in which case, there is one more Biblically valid reason to leave.

You are not weak.  You are not obligated to make the best of this toxic situation.  And you are NOT stuck.

 You are not crazy or stupid.  The threat is not all in your imagination.  The danger you are sensing is real and is obvious to others.  But your confidence, security, and inner peace are not lost forever.  Choosing a more stable environment will produce a more stable inner and outer life.

 Your life is worth more than he has led you to believe, and you deserve to be treated better. Your confusion and exhaustion are understandable, but there is so much hope.  You are not damaged or broken beyond repair.  There is courage and grit and resilience inside you just waiting for the chance to shine!

...If anyone reading this finds themselves in an unhealthy abusive relationship, the power to change things is entirely in your hands, and you are worth it.  This situation is not God's best for you, and you probably already know that. When you are ready to get out of that mess, people who love you will rally to support you in every way! ❤