Don't Look Back

"Teach me Your way, O Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness.

Give me an undivided heart, so that I may honor You."

~Psalm 86:11

This week's Wild at Heart podcast was called "No Divided Allegiances." 

They read about Lot's wife.  His whole family was warned by angels to flee for their lives without stopping or looking behind them, but she looked back with longing at her homeland as it was being destroyed, and she became a pillar of salt... 

STASI:  "So she looks back with a divided heart."

JOHN:  "It's the divided heart - that's the issue there is that she (Lot's wife) was doubleminded.  Jesus says, 'Please don't.  Please don't look back.  Don't have a divided heart in this hour.  Look at Me.  Look to Me.  I'm the comfort you seek, I'm the love you seek, I'm the help you seek... even if it doesn't feel like it right now, cling to Me.  Hold to Me.'"

"Singleheartedness.  Because the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen you who will be wholehearted!  The enemy is trying so hard to desecrate the temple right now, which is the hearts of God's people.  The pull of the hour is to seek relief and joy and stability without God.  It's not hating Jesus; it's a subtle turn of the heart.  But God is ready to offer His help.  He is ready to strengthen those whose hearts are fully given over to Him!  God says: Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you."

STASI:  "And the more we press into God, the more we see Him as He really is, the more we love Him!"

God really spoke to my heart here today about looking forward and pressing into His love right now and the future He has for me.  *Wholeheartedly.*  I'm realizing some of the recent disappointment and/or dread I've been feeling is coming from bittersweet nostalgia that has led to double-mindedness.

We all know I love to reminisce and look back at old photos, but all the "remember when..." can sometimes pull my heart down into wishing I could get those days back again or feeling low-level despair or loneliness over where I am today.  Then feeling double-minded and confused about the path ahead, putting hope in recreating the past rather than pressing forward into the future with God.  It's obviously not a bad thing to have treasured memories, but we have to remember that the core longing of our hearts is for God.  He is the source of the connection, belonging, beauty, and intimacy we crave.  What I need most is not a  lovely vacation or a great body or a single circle of friends or a wonderful church home or a devoted best friend or a book contract or a husband or child.  What I need most was, is, and always will be God -- His presence and His love.  And  this was a powerful reminder that I have a responsibility to shepherd my heart in this difficult and crazy global season, to seek God and place my HOPE in Him above everything else!

"Teach me Your way, O Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness.  Give me and UNDIVIDED HEART so that I may honor You!" ❤

John also quoted part of this writing by Thomas à Kempis, and I wanted to include it here, as well:

“ABOVE all things and in all things, O my soul, rest always in God, for He is the everlasting rest of the saints. 

Grant, most sweet and loving Jesus, that I may seek my [comfort and restoration] in You above every creature; above all health and beauty; above every honor and glory; every power and dignity; above all knowledge and cleverness, all riches and arts, all joy and gladness; above all fame and praise, all sweetness and consolation; above every hope and promise, every merit and desire; above all the gifts and favors that You can give or pour down upon me; above all the joy and exultation that the mind can receive and feel; and finally, above the angels and archangels and all the heavenly host; above all things visible and invisible; and may I seek my [comfort and restoration] in You above everything that is not You, my God.

For You, O Lord my God, are above all things the best. You alone are most high, You alone most powerful. You alone are most sufficient and most satisfying, You alone most sweet and consoling. You alone are most beautiful and loving, You alone most noble and glorious above all things. In You is every perfection that has been or ever will be. Therefore, whatever You give me besides Yourself, whatever You reveal to me concerning Yourself, and whatever You promise, is too small and insufficient when I do not see and fully enjoy You alone. For my heart cannot rest or be fully content until, rising above all gifts and every created thing, it rests in You.”

–Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ

February 2022!

QUOTE OF THE MONTH:

"There are moments that the words don't reach.

There is suffering too terrible to name.

You hold your child as tight as you can,

And push away the unimaginable.

The moments when you're in so deep

It feels easier to just swim down

The Hamiltons move uptown

And learn to live with the unimaginable."

~It's Quiet Uptown, Hamilton

(Clearly not a quote that describes my month,
but one of my favorite lyrics from Hamilton.)

FEBRUARY MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• Celebrating ALL the Birthdays:  Jace, Tate, Bill Lemiuex, Blake, Wesson, Nash, Rachael, Waverly, Nancy, Miles, Anthony, me, Ellie, and baby Emberly (born 2-22-2022 at 22:22 military time)!!
• LIFE-GIVING:  Creating a family drawing for Anthony's 10th birthday for Kristin, taking over the Aspyn Arrows February posts for Lindsay, cleaning out my files and reading through old cards, writing and getting a lovely response from Eddie Kaufholz, bringing dinner to the Fultons in a stressful time, driving and talking with T-man, embracing 38 and feeling very loved by family and friends in my birth-month, Peloton workouts, talking with Judge about adoption plans, starting the process to be approved with DHS, reconnecting with my former Compassion child (now 22) on Facebook, Sarah's brother being found, my first two trips out of state since 2019, first time catching up with lots of extended family, seeing Hamilton live, connected conversation, snow days, messaging with Amanda about Bells Palsy (being able to offer meaningful comfort and advice there), starting Noom and feeling hopeful about it!
• LIFE-DRAINING:  The sudden tragic death of Davonne, Sarah's brother going missing for a while, the Russian attack on Ukraine*, needless stress over a minor decision in a group text, disconnected small talk, a few too many Peloton rest days (aiming for self-care, but the workouts are so good for my mental health).

HAPPY LISTS

I Listened To:

• Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brene Brown
• Acts, Romans, 1 and 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians
• The usual favorite podcasts

I Watched:  

• Hamilton! (live performance in Little Rock, Arkansas)
• Sweet Magnolias season 2 on Netflix -- ugh, why do I put myself through that??  Could Dana Sue BE more annoying!? lol
• Frasier reruns - fun!
• A Few Good Men, The Other Guys, What Happens in Vegas, The Hangover, Sweet Home Alabama, Liar Liar, Nathan Chen's gold medal Olympic skate, and the Dr. Dre led Super Bowl Halftime show!

I'm Celebrating:  

• Being 38 and having the opportunity to pursue a meaningful future
• Starting NOOM toward the end of this month... a psychology-based health and weight loss program that zeroes in on limiting beliefs and concentrates on the mental side of it!
• One holiday and FOUR courthouse-closure weather days this month!!

February has long been my favorite month, but something was a bit off this year.  Although it was mostly packed with fun events and birthdays and seeing friends and family I hadn't seen in a while, I struggled with some heightened anxiety and felt extra thankful for the snow days and downtime!  So this gif of Jennifer Lawrence being so excited to win the award then falling on her way to get it feels appropriate for this month. lol  Lots of anticipation and lots of real goodness and gratitude, but also feeling a bit unsteady and not quite myself at times.  

*Side Note:  I've seen several people share a post on FB that starts with "To the people who are asking, 'Why does Ukraine matter?'" then it goes on to list their rankings in various things and several big imports and exports and accomplishments.  I may be missing or misunderstanding something, but the tone of the post annoys me.  Who are the morons actually asking why an entire country matters!??  And how is the correct answer anything other than, "Because human beings live there."  Why are we listing off the reasons they might matter to Vladimir as if that's also the reason they should hold value in our eyes?  It's obnoxious to me, and by that calculated reasoning, unborn lives really don't matter.  The people of Ukraine should matter to us because they matter to God, full stop.  So that's my mini-rant for today.  Feeling somewhat powerless as we watch a power-hungry dictator seek power over more of the world, but reminding myself that God has the ultimate power, and praying for Ukraine and praying for government leaders across the world.

Anyway, that was a long tangent for the end of my February recap post.  

I hope it's been a good month for you.  And tomorrow, we're "March"-ing on!  ;-)

Long Lost Family Weekend

Happy Sunday, friends.  What a weekend it's been!  Our courthouse was closed last Wednesday and Thursday for a major sleet-storm... so as the ice finally began to melt from our roads this weekend, I joined Mom and Dad and Charlene for a road trip to Frisco to see the Texas Mueckes.  To my memory, I hadn't seen them since 2019 -- much longer than usual, thanks to COVID.  So it was a treat to get to hang out and catch up with everyone... here's our family group pic, thanks to me insisting on it - I had to take up Nancy's usual role since she didn't make it for this trip. lol  We're in front of the fireplace in Gus and Marilyn's lovely new home!

After she looked through Mom's scrapbook, I got to catch up with Charlene a bit on the drive, then we stopped at Babe's Chicken for lunch.  Each person chooses a meat and then the sides (biscuits, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, and corn) are all unlimited and family style.  Everything was really good!  Dad and Alan told our waitress it was Gus' birthday (technically that was January 31st, but this was our first chance to celebrate it).  We didn't know they went all out like this for birthdays, but it was entertaining! lol

This was also our first time meeting sweet 9-month-old baby Emma! ❤

I rode with Mandy from Babes to her parents' house, and it was good getting to talk and catch up with her!  They moved in December, so we got the full home tour from Marilyn - really beautiful!  Michael and Melissa and their girls joined us there, then we all sat down for bundtinis and ice cream and more catching up on everyone's lives... work promotions, moving stories, embryo adoptions, upcoming surgeries, divorces, home studies, gun collections, supply chain issues and shipping delays, cancelled travel plans, future hopes, etc.  A lot happens in two years.  We got a group pic and then headed back home - Charlene rode with the Myricks for the drive back, so it was just me and Mom and Dad.  I worked on editing and posting the pictures, then I slept a little, which was nice!

...I zoomed in a little too much for our first group shot, but still pretty cute!

* * * * * * *

Today, I went to church with the fam and then I picked up Rays BBQ for an at-home lunch with my cousin, Ashley, and her son, Miles!!  Miles turned two on February 13th, and this was my first time meeting him - again, crazy it's been that long, but I'm grateful that's finally changing!  Ashley texted on my birthday and said to let her know next time I was in town, and I did. =)  Ashley and I had lunch and got caught up on life from 1-2, then Miles woke up from his nap and joined us!

So much cuteness - his hair made me happy!  He wasn't too sure about me at first, but hey, I brought him a grilled cheese, so how bad could I be!? lol

He warmed up pretty quickly!  The three of us went for a happy walk around their neighborhood, then came back and he showed me his car toys, danced to some of his favorite songs, and got his Curious George book out for me to read with him! ❤

I love the joy in this pic of them playing in the recent snow... she wrote a FB post I really loved about how grateful she felt on this day, so I made a photo gift out of it (yay, Walgreens).  It was nice to catch up on the past two years and hear her thoughts on the joys and trials of motherhood!

So it was a busy but good weekend of catching up with family I hadn't seen in way too long!

My Song of the Week = Something Just Like This, a 2017 Coldplay hit that I'm just now really getting into thanks to Peloton playlists... so great!!

Hope you've had a good weekend!  See you tomorrow for a February recap!!

Hamilton Trip

And now, a lengthy, photo-filled recap of my weekend roadtrip to see Hamilton with Sarah and Steve!!

We left around noon... we took my car, and Steve drove us the whole way, which I was so grateful for - I don't love driving and navigating in places I'm unfamiliar with, and he taught me a couple new things about my car that are helpful to know! lol

We stopped for lunch at Ed Walker's, a cute little Elvis-themed diner in Fort Smith, Arkansas!  (About halfway through our drive.)

It was my first Airbnb experience, and it was a pretty good one... the house with a shared living room and kitchen was definitely preferable and felt more safe to me than staying in a hotel room by myself.  My bed was super comfortable, but it was a modern home design with all wood floors and no bedroom doors, so that was interesting!

Documenting my first glass of tap water in years... not bad at all, but my mind goes straight to dramatic Erin Brockovich quotes. lol  I was crazy thirsty after our drive, and we stopped at the house for a few hours before going to dinner and stopping to grab some bottled waters.

On Saturday, we had dinner at Samantha's, a Red Rock-level restaurant that we all really enjoyed!  Our waitress was chatty and full of good suggestions for what to order there, along with where to go for brunch the next day!

We had a late dinner and were done around 10:30pm, then they wanted to go out and check out some of the local bars.  Outside of line dancing at The Caravan, the bar scene has never been and will never be a place I find fun or feel very comfortable... some bad memories and bad vibes all around. We were close to our house, so I went back there and had a lovely, cozy night in whilst they explored the town and got some cocktails and came back a little after 2am.  Once upon a time, I would've totally just gone along to people-please but felt miserable the whole time, so it makes me happy that I've reached the point where I can be honest about what I want and genuinely not care if others find it lame.  I'm sure they appreciated having some couple time, and I so preferred to skip the bars and enjoy the house and have a nice long chat with Mom, so it worked out well on both sides!

The plan was to sleep in, but parents of tiny babies have a different definition of sleeping in than Aunt Lindseys. lol  Steve said the sun woke him up, so we were up and ready and headed to brunch by 9:30... I had set my alarm for 10:20. lol  We went to Loca Luna for brunch... the croissant French toast was good!  This was Steve's Mimosa, but I borrowed it for a cute cheers-ing pic! lol

And one of them with their morning coffees!

Steve brought along the Baby Yoda, and it made me laugh seeing it on my dashboard!

We went to an outlet mall to shop around a bit... they got some cute stuff for baby Kate, and Nancy called to FaceTime with them!  This was their first time being away from her overnight, but it seems like everyone got through it pretty well!

These oversized sunglasses seemed crazy-big, so we got a picture in them to be funny... then we both looked at it and said, "Hmm, cuter than we thought!" lol

We went back to the house and took a short nap and then got ready to leave... 

They were running a bit behind and then needed to go back for some medication... and the lovely Italian restaurant we planned on was closed on Sundays... so we grabbed Wendy's and ate in the parking lot as our pre-show super late lunch or early dinner.

GET EXCITED!!  I'm glad Steve spotted this trailer - a perfect photo-op spot!

We were there for the last day of this play at the Robinson Performance Hall, which in my mind means the cast probably really gave it their very best - either that or they're always fantastic!?

Thanks to our fancy fast food dinner, we were there when the doors opened at 6:00, and we had time to shop a little and take some pictures and get to our seats early!

"The room where it happens..."  We had an excellent view, and being able to see their expressions made me realize the importance of being closer to the stage for live theater performances!

Truly fantastic cast - I especially loved our Hamilton, Washington, Eliza, and Angelica!!  The music and lyrics are exceptional and brilliantly written by Lin Manuel.  I teared up several times, and I wanted to stand and applaud long before they reached the final scene.

If I could be any of them in real life, it would obviously be Eliza.  But if I could play any role in this play, it would 100% be Peggy/Maria Reynolds!

The only places open to eat after the show were pubs or fast food.  As soon as we walked in here, the aggressively loud atmosphere and the smell of smoke and alcohol were all coming in strong.  I was alone at our table for several minutes whilst a random guy at the bar bought Sarah a drink... then got one for Steve too when he came over... then asked what I was drinking when I finally joined them...  turning alcohol down in a room full of tipsy/uninhibited people where many of them seem to think it's a necessary ingredient to having fun has never been my favorite thing.  So I was feeling pretty exhausted and over it all, and then a lady walked in with an adorable Corgi puppy, and my stress melted and turned to joy! lol  She sat down near our table and said, "You can pet him if you want!"  Umm, yes, please!!

His name was Tucker, and I'm unclear on why she brought a presh baby puppy to a bar late at night, but I think he was enjoying that atmosphere about as much as I was, so I tried to shield him and be a comforting presence. lol

Cuteness!

And in the end, our food there (bought by the same guy, who was apparently very generous when he drinks) was not the best, so we stopped by Taco Bell after all that... where there was a ca-razy long line for midnight tacos.  I voted that we not try to eat them in my car, so we had a 1:00am feast and chat at our Airbnb house when we got back (after shoo-ing away a random neighborhood cat that wanted to come in and join us)!

The next morning, we basically packed up and left.  We took a couple pics in the cute backyard... this = the shirt I bought at Hamilton.  The "Rise Up" part of My Shot is something I've always loved, and it felt like an appropriate shirt for President's Day!

We spent almost no time out there, but the backyard area was cute!

This is taken from the edge of my bedroom and bathroom area.  There were pocket doors for the bathrooms, then the living room and kitchen in the middle, and a hallway on both sides that led right into the bedrooms with no bedroom or closet doors!

We had breakfast at Mugs Cafe, then got gas and started our trip back home!

We got caught up on life during our 4-hour drive there, and we talked at length about Hamilton and all our thoughts about the play on our way back.  Sarah will be switching over to weekend nursing shifts soon, so they mentioned that this was their last weekend to do anything together for a while, and I felt a little bad for crashing it.  But I think we all had fun for the most part!  This was the first time I've gone anywhere outside of Oklahoma since the pandemic hit... all in all, a fun long-weekend road trip and an excellent theater experience!! ❤

Bell's Palsy

I was planning to write a trip recap post, but I'll save that for later this week on a day when I feel like I have more margin/downtime for that!

Once again, happy 2-22-2022!! ❤

Important Happy News:  I received a fantastic response email from Eddie Kaufholz this morning, and it definitely made my day!! =)  I miss the weekly updates from him and Annie, but yay for reruns. lol

* * * * * * *

And in other news, a friend I knew from BattleCreek currently has Bell's Palsy.  She posted some photos and videos talking about her experience and the emotional struggle of it.  We messaged back and forth a bit a bit about all of that, and it's been helpful for me to really stop and think about it from an adult perspective.  I'm so grateful that she had the courage to post photos and share her story... seeing other people respond to her with empathy and validation rather than avoidance or confusion and awkward laughter has been helpful for me too (not quite the experience I had surrounded by freshmen in high school, as you might imagine).  I had Bell's Palsy at age 8 and then again at age 15.  The onset is sudden - you go to bed smiling normally, and when you wake up and brush your teeth, you can immediately tell something is off. 

Thus far, no one can pinpoint the cause or promise a cure.  Somehow, the 7th cranial nerve gets inflamed, and it paralyzes half of the facial muscles, meaning my eyes would dry out because I couldn't blink correctly, and my mouth was literally incapable of smiling.  It would make anyone feel a bit self-conscious and awkward, but I believe that's amplified in high school for obvious reasons.  Why I chose that as my one summer to try Falls Creek Camp, I'll never know - no, it was probably me hoping to feel closer to God there - I tend to press in during hard seasons, and I'm glad for that pattern.  

I have very few pictures from that summer because I mostly tried to avoid the camera.  The middle photo is me with a couple friends at Falls Creek... I just look caught off guard, but I was more aware of the camera than anyone else in that room.  The anxiety was real.

This is at a football game that fall when my smile was gradually starting to come back.  I was pushing those muscles for all they were worth, but I couldn't smile as brightly or fully as all my friends.

In the video Amanda posted today, she started crying a little as she talked about missing her smile and said, "When I feel happy, I don't look happy."

That's one of the strangest parts of it.  Your ability to physically express joy is stifled.  Then sometimes you worry about looking awkward and choose to suppress the good side of your smile to keep it more even, and all of that is pulling your mental health down.

So first off, I want to validate for myself that Bell's Palsy was a really hard experience.  I sometimes minimized and downplayed it as a survival strategy back then, but I don't have to anymore.  There will always be people who have it worse off in life, but you're allowed to feel your own pain, and you don't have to make comparisons or minimize what you're going through.  The fear that it would be permanent was very real.  People laughing and making jokes about the TENS unit or about looking like a stroke victim or whatever else was never funny and always hurtful.  (Moreso than any of them intended, I'm certain.)  None of it was my fault or something I could have stopped or controlled.  I'm incredibly grateful for the people who were kind... for Lynda Woolard's advice that helped start the healing process... and for God healing me and bringing my smile back.  That doesn't change the fact that there were some painful internal and external effects that continue to this day, and it all matters.  I didn't have the language or the self-confidence to handle it as well back then, but I did my best, and I didn't crawl into a hole and avoid everyone.  As an introvert who preferred to blend in, I tried to gracefully deal with the unwanted extra attention, answering a myriad of insensitive questions from well-meaning friends.  And I went to a freaking church summer camp, and that was brave.  Way to go, 10th grade Lindsey!!  

If I could go back and talk to her, I would hug her and speak words of courage and confidence!!  I would tell her it's okay to be sad or to feel embarrassed, but that life has too much meaning to let herself get stuck there.  I would smile as brightly as I can today and assure her that it's only temporary... and that this whole experience will forever increase her empathy and ability to comfort people with similar struggles.  I would remind her that she is loved and valuable, that her worth doesn't depend on her appearance, and that other people aren't thinking about her as much or as often as she was worried about.  And I would tell her to be proud of that half-smile and to never suppress her joy or her pain in an effort to please others or present a certain image!!!

Dear 10th-grade Lindsey, 

You are precious to God.  Your joy is valid, your pain is valid, and your heart matters!  You are loved, your life has great purpose, and Jesus is walking with you every step of the way!  You're stronger than you realize at this point, and you are going to be just fine.  I see you.  I believe in you.  And someday, you're going to change the world!

With love,

❤ 38-year-old Lindsey

Croissants and Cricut Cut-outs!

Happy Twos-day, friends!  *Tuesday, 2-22-2022!!*  In honor of this momentous occasion, I'm posting two blogs today.  But really, I'd have done that either way. lol

On Friday night, I had a lovely birthday dinner with several of my favorite people at Charleston's!!  Thanks to Jeffrey Edward for taking this group picture for us! =)  Very thankful for this group!

In all my stress over trying not to annoy people via group text, I apparently forgot that I decided to schedule this dinner at 6:00 for the sake of all the parents of young children.  I wrote that in the group text then changed the date, then I made our reservation for Friday at 6:30 at Charleston's.  I had no idea until I was a little ways into my drive and got a text from Jeff that they were all in the lobby... eeeek!  My apologies to everyone for making them wait... Sarah had texted that she was running about 15 minutes late, but it turned out they were 15 minutes early instead.  Here's Chet Lee grabbing a delicious croissant to help keep the kids happy while they waited on me...lol  Their croissants are the best!

The Moss fam and the Wilsons both got me some beautiful flowers... and Karli made this fun Cricut cut-out of my face on a stick... I've always loved those when she makes them for Tate's birthday parties, so this made me very happy! lol

Me and Kelly Marie!  (And my potato soup where I forgot to say "no bacon or chives."  I was distracted by feeling guilty about accidentally being late to my own party. lol)

Uncle Chet and baby Kate!

Lindsey Claire and Katherine Claire... she really wanted to grab my necklace and earrings (and the knives and forks and everything within reach, so I held her lil' hands for a bit, and she did not appreciate it!

The Moss fam bought my dinner, and the Shoemakers bought my dessert!  The Wilsons brought happy pink candles and a Cricut cake topper...

Ahhh, I love it!! ❤

So now I have it in multiple sizes - huzzah! lol

This was the first time I had seen most of this group in 2022, so it was nice to catch up on life, take some fun photos, and laugh with each other.  And that's my recap of part 3 of my birthday celebration!  Good times!! ❤