Time Change

Happy Sunday, friends and fam, and happy time-change weekend!  Hooray for longer sunny hours ahead - I'm always grateful for that shift, even if I don't appreciate the resurgence of bugs that accompany it. ;-)

Tonight was a memorable early-dinner convo at Red Rock with learning the Fulton fam is headed to Disney next month, followed by seeing Harry Potter (movie #1) at the Tulsa PAC with the Wilsons and Fultons.  The Wilsons had to leave at Intermission, so I grabbed a photo in the crowded lobby/hallway.

The orchestra did a great job, which is why I forgot they were there 90% of the time.  And I loved being in a crowd of intense HP fans, so much cheering and boo-ing for certain characters - fun! lol

I checked into my hotel room around 4:30, then was rushing to get back to the car to go meet my friends and ran into the Mini Miss K and her friend Ava having some boba tea in the lobby!  She was so excited to see me, and it made me happy. =) "Whaaat!?  Where'd you come from!?" lol  (I missed her games this morning, but I will be there tomorrow.)

Friday morning, I had a supervision meeting at Oak Haven with Amy and Michelle - that was great, and Amy had some really helpful feedback regarding one of my clients.  After that meeting, I had lunch at Fuzzy's Tacos with Michelle and her 7-year-old daughter, Cora, who was cute and fun!

I am sincerely grateful for all the above-mentioned people and events!

At the same time, I'm sincerely hurting.

And I am keeping my conscience clear by refusing to numb this pain with sweets or unhealthy coping mechanisms, which are naturally more tempting in hard times when I feel most alone (or most fearful of future loneliness).  So I'm here breathing deeply and reminding myself of what I know to be true, and I'm writing a blog in my hotel room at 1am (which is really 2am).  

My emotional sensitivity is UP, and I hate feeling this way.

Some questions/comments are unintentionally striking a nerve lately.

I don't want my life to be forgettable, and I don't want to be pitied or mocked.

I want belonging and shared joy... and connection and purpose and love.

(All of which have genuinely increased in my life over the past five years, 

and none of which are exclusive to motherhood/parenting.)

I learned late Friday afternoon that, for medical reasons, both of the embryos I was matched with will not result in a viable pregnancy.  I'm truly thankful for the doctor's honesty, yet I'm frustrated to have another disappointment after finally getting some exciting news about these matches!

I am so tired of waiting and being in limbo and disappointment and rejection and sad stories and closed doors here.  My sense of purpose in other areas has increased exponentially, and my certainty about motherhood being part of God's calling for me has decreased.  I am not making a major decision while my emotions are high, but I am saying that I might let go of this particular desire/dream and choose a new meaningful goal to pursue.  My time, my energy, and my HEART are all valuable resources that I want to invest wisely.  Prayers for wisdom and peace are appreciated.

(Saw that on FB shortly after getting the sad news from the doctor.)  I'm doing my best to react to this specific news rather than the cumulative weight of all the other disappointments, but it's difficult.  I'm so on board with the idea that you get back up and find a way to keep moving forward with life by focusing on something new, to the point that I would rather push into an entirely new plan than let myself really feel this - another embarrassing disappointment and potentially more waiting and being in limbo ahead...

I've written and deleted quite a bit tonight.  Forcing myself to slow down and stop intellectualizing or hyper-spiritualizing things is hard.  I'm working on grounding myself in present-day reality and letting myself really feel the weight of the sadness, the unmet desires, the hurtful comments, the repeated sense of rejection, the fear that I'm not enough to handle single motherhood, and the engrained fear that I won't ever be enough if I don't have a child or a husband.

Catching myself now - Christ is in me.  I am enough.

❤

Anyway, my foundation and ultimate hope are in Jesus, and everything else is subject to change (including earthly hopes I've held closely for years).  I don't have to solve anything tonight, so I am choosing to trust that God is good and He is faithful!  I can slow down and rest in that and finally go to sleep tonight, looking forward to a brighter day and a clearer mind tomorrow.

Thank you for all your support and kindness,
and thanks for "listening" here.