Yesterday, in a manner that felt very sudden, I lost a friendship that was incredibly significant to me. It's never pleasant to be discarded by the person who knows you most deeply, but it was a powerful reminder that God is the only friend who will truly never fail or forsake us. (And that "things change and friends leave and life doesn't stop for anybody.") I'm very thankful that my remaining close friends have already been super-supportive without tearing down the other person... and thankful that they're pointing me to God and His Word for strength. (And on a minor note, I'm thankful that this unexpected email came just after the GRE test rather than before! lol I think I did pretty well... here's hoping.)
Anyway, this situation is definitely unique, but there are enough similarities that I'm able to apply everything I learned - both about what helps and what not to do - from how I reacted to "the letter." I regretted every mean word that I said to Josh in a fit of rage or bitterness; it was not wise or constructive or even satisfying, and in the long run, it was not the most true thing about how I viewed him and his character. I would have dealt with far less guilt and embarrassment, and probably felt more grace and peace from God all around, if only I had never attempted to vent all my negative feelings. Letting go is hard for anyone, but it could have been so much easier if I had simply decided to let the relationship drop the moment he did (rather than discarding my own self-worth and begging for relationship-scraps - aww, good memories). I also know the importance of life groups and staying close to God, as well as "catching wrong thoughts quickly," as Laura phrases it. It's absurd and a little frightening how fast I can fall into a downward spiral if I let myself dwell on the lies that Satan will undoubtedly be throwing my way in the coming days... but we're praying that I'll cast down those wrong thoughts and firmly focus my heart on the Truth and how much God values me!
I told JEM that as far as I can tell, I've always been drawn to people with this specific personality style because I view them as naturally strong, self-sufficient, and honestly, a bit superior to me... and thus, somehow feel that in my fragility I can lean on their strength, and that their approval adds worth and value to my life because I know they do not give it away easily or falsely. This sets up an unhealthy pedestal, obviously. (Jeff went out of his way to meet with me last night, and I so appreciated that. Having been through a similar difficult transition, he felt like a safe person I could trust, and he was full of Godly advice and timely encouragement.) He paused for a minute and then responded by saying, "Lindsey, she is not your foundation. Only Christ can be your foundation."
That was 100% from God and exactly what I needed to hear as this new season begins. Whenever I draw my strength and value from another person, depending on them to be my 'rock' or adviser or comforter, God doesn't take that lightly or allow it to go on infinitely. So yes, I know this particular severing is probably for my own good in the long run (kind of like an emergency amputation) ...so I'm grateful for that in some ways... but unfortunately, that knowledge does nothing to stop it from being exceptionally painful in the meantime.
I truly love this person. And as much as the feeling is no longer mutual and my mindset may not make sense to anyone else, I will miss the depth of connection in the friendship, as I perceived it. I want to be careful not to dishonor or attack her out of mixed emotions that will eventually subside, so my plan is not to write about it after this post. I am extremely determined not to let this email ending devastate me or negate my self-worth the way I was affected by the letter of 2007, but I am also hurting in a way that will likely get worse before it gets better, so I would very much appreciate prayer throughout the coming months whenever you think of me...
(Bring on 2014! 2013 is so not my year.)
I read this in Stasi's book over the weekend:
"We need Jesus. We need mercy. We need healing. We are not meant to live this life alone, and we won't get very far on our journey if we try. He is perfect love, and He loves you perfectly. And He's not going anywhere. Friendships do change. People change. You change. You are supposed to. Some friends we are called to fight for and some we are called to release. And though all change feels like loss, it is good to bless people on their way, to hold them loosely, and to let them go... Not every person you long to have a friendship with is meant to be your friend. It can be excruciating to let a friend go, or worse, to be let go of. Many people underestimate the closeness of heart that women friends are capable of reaching. Some women are blessed with a best friend. But most women aren't. God alone can be our One and Only. God understands us all the time. He is available every moment. I want to know Him as my King and my God and my Friend who enjoys me fully, accepts me completely, and loves me unconditionally. Because that is who He is." ~Stasi EldredgeSo true and helpful right now. Jeff said many of the same things when we talked.
I have felt closer to and more supported by my family recently. I believe that I'm making progress in counseling, ironically while focusing on the issues in my life that stem from prior disconnection and rejection. I've had a strong desire for spiritual growth and been looking forward to Craig's upcoming sermon series, which is going to be all about friendships. And finally, I learned this weekend that the women's lifegroup is beginning a Beth Moore study next week, so I'd already been planning to join them for that...
It all fits together and makes sense now; God has been preparing me. He knows what He's doing and He was not caught off guard, however much I might still be reeling in shock. He wants me to seek His approval first and to remember who I truly am through His eyes. In a weird way, this could be the answer to my prayer to get my passion for Him back and to find purpose - nothing gets my attention focused on God quite like the loneliness that inevitably follows rejection. But as Jeff reminded me, Christ is my rock and firm foundation... and all other ground is sinking sand. He also reminded me that God uses all things for my good, so He will use even this to refine me and give me renewed purpose and inner strength!
...God knows this is round two and that I'm feeling overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, scared, and hanging on by a thread. He knows that reaching out and forming new friendships will take every ounce of strength I possess. And apparently, He believes I can go through this again with His help. So I must not be as fragile as I thought - yay? I know He has a plan and sees the bigger picture and knows where I am headed in life, despite my own cluelessness there. He knows me, He sees me, He gets it! I trust that He will redeem this loss if I stick with Him through it rather than following my shifty emotions, so I'm taking a deep breath and holding on tightly to God - here we go again!
Praying for this whole situation to be surrounded and covered by His PEACE and GRACE!! And that's all I plan to say about that.
"For the Father Himself loves you dearly because you love Me and believe that I came from God... I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows, but take heart, because I have overcome the world!"
~Jesus, John 16:27,33
No comments:
Post a Comment