28~Clarity

 Today, I'm thankful (really) that I've finally come to understand one simple thing that makes everything else clearer to me:  Her heart is not in it.

No one is perfect, and both of us could have done certain things better.  But in the end, it all comes down to the heart.  I believe any friendship or relationship can be saved when both people truly want to save it, when their hearts are together on that point.  But no relationship can function or continue for long when that dynamic is one-sided and the other person has closed off.

I'm not saying she is heartless, just that her heart (for the past couple years) was not in this.  I'm also not saying for a second that she didn't try.  Considering it from this angle, she actually tried pretty hard to "keep this thing going," as she put it.  But her final emails to me (and the fact that she chose to end a six-year best friendship via email) make a lot more sense in that light.  She used the terms "exhausting," "dysfunctional," and "too intense,"  saying that "surface level friendships" are what "work for her right now."  She made it sound very trivial by saying we've had "some good days" over the past few years.  But realizing that her heart wasn't in the friendship helps me not to interpret that so personally.  She had no genuine interest in having a best friend, but simply wanted me to exist on the same level as all her other friendships, or slightly beneath them because I live in Tulsa.  And I have no interest in that.  It's obviously not about the distance between our physical locations - that is no problem at all if our hearts are on the same page.  Unfortunately, they are not.

For a while, I had felt frustrated and mistreated and desperate, because subconsciously, I knew.  I knew that she was pulling away and disengaging.  I felt it in a million little ways, and it felt cruel and confusing.  Nothing that I said or did or gave ever seemed to be enough, and I didn't know how to fix it.  The only thing she really wanted from me was more and more space, which made me panic because that's how it started with Josh...

I absolutely cannot be part of a friendship where all my emotions and words are belittled and viewed through the lens of being "the whims of a depressed person."  It is exhausting to put your whole heart into strengthening a friendship when the other person has withdrawn theirs.  It is confusing to feel forgotten and mistreated by someone, yet genuinely believe that you could not survive without that person.  (Obviously, God is correcting that mindset for me now.)

I am an optimist at heart, and the very last thing I ever want to do is to give up on another person or a close relationship.  But looking at this from her side, I know she gave up a while ago.  She wants to be done, and she has been as clear on that point as anyone ever could; I just refused to listen well and believe it for a while.

So I'm thankful for clarity on the fact that her heart is not in this.  And I'm even more thankful for having clarity that that is not a mark against me.  By God's grace, I'm as certain of that as I can be!  For whatever reason (and I don't have to understand the reason), she's "just not that into me." lol  The concept applies in friendships, too.  I wish that were not the case, but no one can force another person to love and care about them.  There are so many things that I'll definitely miss, but it helps me to acknowledge that our hearts are in very different places, and truly, we value different things.  We can wish each other well and say goodbye and move forward.

And I can put my heart into friendships with people whose hearts are with me, who love and respect and enjoy me as much as I love and respect and enjoy them!! =)