The Blog Archive: The End of an Era

Dear Malori Riah,

I still remember.

I vividly remember the day we met in 2007 at your surprise birthday party in Cassie's boss' creepy house. I remember staying inside with a group of law students I didn't know at all... and thinking you were hilarious, definitely the life of that party! I remember the first time we hung out just the two of us, skipping the boring group concert at the last minute and going to see the depressing mess that was The Other Boleyn Girl instead. I remember seeing a string of bad movies together after that, always laughing about them and having fun hanging out. I remember calling you early on in the friendship and feeling relieved and thankful that our conversations always flowed so naturally and comfortably. I haven't found that in another friendship before or since. I had just been through the loss of several core friendships earlier that year, and you were the first person who truly made me feel seen and heard and appreciated, like I wasn't alone and what I was going through really mattered. You had lost your only brother earlier the same year, and I think we bonded quickly and both unknowingly helped each other make it through all the brokenness and pain and grief we were wading through. It meant a great deal to me.

I remember introducing you to Captivating and the many conversations we had about God, spiritual warfare, and knowing our worth in Christ after you read it. I remember visiting you at "The Shack" in OKC and laughing about the crazy cat lady and her kiddie pool. I remember slowly figuring out that we mostly liked and disliked the same people, and getting cracked up about that more than once. I remember going to your Oscars party and winning the trivia, and you laughing about my Julia-Roberts-style victory fist pump. I remember Natalie Gruenberg suggesting me as a possible roommate for you because they were remodeling your law school apartment, and I remember thinking that would probably be awesome and fun. (And it was!)

I remember the first time you called me your "best friend," standing in the hallway between our rooms after one of many late roommate talks over milk-and-oreos. I remember breathing an inward sigh of relief, feeling so grateful that you were there to fill the friendship void so many others had left in my life two years before. I remember talking about anything and everything with you, going to multiple lifegroups together every week, and spending most of our downtime together in 2009. I remember you cheering me on in my first half-marathon, then training and running a half (and several shorter races) with me in 2010, encouraging me when I was nervous about leading our lifegroup, cheering me up when I was upset about family stuff, and being firmly on my side when there was petty drama with any mutual friends. You were in my corner, always, and knowing that meant the world to me.

I remember checking the website several times then leaving you a congratulatory voicemail that was how you first learned you'd passed the Bar Exam! I remember being there with you and your family for your law school graduation day, laughing about the cheesy bagpipes with Megan, taking pictures and being so excited for you! I remember when you received two job offers at once, and the day you officially accepted your great job with Chesapeake. I remember several conversations about your work as a landman and stories about your crazy bosses and coworkers... as well as several conversations about my future career and what that might be and how I might get there. I knew that you really believed in me, and that's a huge part of why I finally had the courage to go back to school and try to start fresh with something that felt more purposeful to me... so thank you for that.

I remember learning about the four main personality types at a court reporting seminar and then discussing all of that at length with you, figuring out how they all work together and the complimentary strengths and weaknesses of each type. I loved that you found it all as fascinating as I did. I distinctly remember that you were the first person I called when I learned that my Mom had cancer, when my parents were in a huge car wreck, and when I learned that baby Anthony died. You were fantastic and supportive in crisis situations, and knowing you were there for me would calm me down even before we would talk. I remember you calling me when things were crazy with your nephews or you were upset over work stuff, and us talking/ crying/ venting our way through that together, too. I also remember my heart sinking when Megan texted me that you had been in a car wreck (but thankfully, you were okay).

I remember rallying the lifegroup guys to help you move from your law school apartment into my house in 2009. I remember staying with you at your Crown Martin apartment in OKC, admiring your unique sense of style right down to how you had decorated your fireplace mantel. I remember your impressive and alphabetized DVD collection, and you gifting me the cabinet that still holds my DVDs today. I remember going with you to OKC on the day you bought the very first house you looked at, which is absolutely perfect for you! I remember the group road trip to help paint and do your garage floors, our furniture shopping excursion when the salesman was impressed with your decisive spirit (and you bought the Brady Bunch couch), helping you unpack the crizazy amount of dishes in your kitchen, and the fun afternoon when we randomly redid your "tennis bathroom" together!

I remember our movie marathons (in theaters and in each of our homes), countless meals together, belting out songs on car rides, talking till 2 or 3am several times, backing each other up on our epic rants, the phone calls and funny emails and inside jokes, rehashing Grey's and Friends and BBT and Downton, the Halloween party you threw just to get me out of going to Bart's boring party, you helping our family paint Jaceman's nursery room (and being clever enough to figure out how to paint the argyle wall), our last dinner at MiMi's the night baby Kyndal was born, the fun bonfire night with the lifegroup, the fantastic and relaxing trip to Big Cedar with Ruth and Charlotte, working on our book ideas and being each other's first readers, our NYC trip with Chet Lee at Christmastime, sooo many funny and quotable memories through the VCGO Vegas trip, then you joining me in Las Vegas once again for Bill and Jill's wedding (where we both bought fun Coach purses)!! I remember the Carrie Underwood and Elton John and One Republic concerts, and laughing inappropriately when I realized you and Chet were both deeply moved by the opening scene of Lion King on Broadway. lol Truly, there are a thousand fun events and memories to choose from, and they've been flooding through my mind lately and washing away the painful bitterness I've felt toward you...

Because I remember the hard stuff, too.

A conversation in the Bravo parking lot that was especially difficult, after which, I took your advice and saw a psychiatrist to get on antidepressants. I also remember a heated fight in January 2013 that left me stunned and reeling to process your anger. I remember the distance gradually creeping in as you made new friends in OKC, some sharp words and last-minute plans shifting and feeling like you were suddenly sick of me and finding that idea terrifying. I remember trying way too hard to reestablish a connection, constantly feeling like I was not enough (or too much - or both). And it all made me sadder and more anxious, which made you more dismissive and disengaged... and it became a negative cycle neither of us knew how to fix.

I remember you saying a while back that I was "more like family to you" than a friend, and I LOVED that thought and felt the same way. I remember you assuring me several times that relational conflict is normal and doesn't mean a relationship is ending. Then I remember your stance on all of that drastically and suddenly changing in August 2013 for reasons I still do not clearly understand. I remember reading your email that Monday night, taking a deep breath, and knowing that my life had changed forever. It was happening again. I remember being in a state of shock as I un-tagged you in hundreds of Facebook pictures then deleted you from my friends list, and it all felt like a surreal repeating nightmare. I remember being angry and eventually (seven months down the road) writing several things I regret and have apologized for but cannot truly take back. I remember a few back-and-forth emails and texts, me continually trying to salvage our friendship but eventually being rejected over and over. And over.

I remember (and still often feel) the rampant confusion, sadness, humiliation, anger, and the aching sense of loss in my heart that may never completely go away. I sincerely miss having a BEST friend who was more like a sister to me - I miss you being on my side - I miss having a place where I truly felt that I belonged - I miss a million little things that made you so uniquely special to me. But at this point, I have cried because of you more than I've cried with you, and I have to move on and release the false hope that you still care about me.

I doubt you will ever actually read this, but I've decided to write it anyway, just for myself, in a last real effort to truly let alllll of this go. Based on my past history with rejection, my current depression, and how very much this best friendship meant to me, your choice to end this via email hurt me far more deeply than you probably intended. It is only by God's grace that I can recover from the damage this severing has caused. I still think of you often and I miss knowing what's happening in your life. I really hate that we never got to talk about Megan's wedding and that you never got to meet precious Kyndal Faith. I still feel lost sometimes in big decisions without being able to talk with you about them - you spoke with such authority and confidence, and I miss that (although I can see it was a false sense of security for me). Sadly, I also remember some critical comments, and it's time for me to really let all of that go.

This is the last picture I have of the two of us, captioned "Me and the BFF" on Facebook, celebrating your 30th birthday in 2013. I knew it was a big day and did my best to help make it special for you! (You were done with me before we got to celebrate mine.)

I am genuinely sorry for the times I was difficult to love and it was hard for you to be my friend, and I am sorry that you chose to give up on this completely. It feels as if you've forgotten all the good things and chosen to remember only the bad, like you have pronounced a final verdict on what I am worth - labeling me irredeemable and unworthy of further effort. From my perspective, it is tragic, and I still do not understand what caused your heart to harden so quickly and unyieldingly toward me. You were not there for me at a time when I really needed you, and being there for someone when they need you is all relationships are about in the end. You were my "person," and I have loved you very much. Even now, I hate having to say goodbye to you, and I still irrationally worry some days that I'm not strong enough to make it through life without your support, love, and strength. But God is still close, and He will be enough and has proven that He will keep rebuilding me and creating a stronger mosaic from all these broken fragments inside me. He is good at providing the right people at just the right times to be there for me and help me back up when I am weak.

You were correct that conflict in close relationships is inevitable, which feels so scary for me because I obviously don’t have much relational experience in which conflicts are resolved well. I desperately hoped this friendship would be that case -- but I've done all anyone could possibly do, yet you have remained silent and closed off. I'm praying a lot lately and doing my best to lean in to God and learn to trust people again -- not in a clingy, desperate way, but with faith and grace, trusting God that He will use us to bless and refine each other. I've had to forgive you over and over. And more recently, I've had to fully forgive myself because it's so easy to blame myself and my not-being-fun-enough in the midst of overcoming depression for your decision to leave...

But in the end, this was your decision from start to finish.

And I didn't deserve it.

And I never would have treated you this way.

Christmas is almost here, and I've been reminded recently of all I've lost. After wrestling with a lot of heavy guilt that I mistakenly believed was from God, I am slowly embracing the truth that letting go of this (what I had hoped and fully believed would be a lifelong best friendship) is not a stain on my character, nor a huge disappointment or failure to God, but rather an important part of His plan for my future. It's extremely hard for me, but I know that I need to let you go and release this.

This advent season is all about remembering Christ’s birth and anticipating His second coming, celebrating our hope through Him even as we hurt and struggle and wait for the world to eventually be set right. Satan has been nipping at my heels lately with fear and bitterness and self-doubt, but I'm fighting not to let it overcome me... to fully embrace this new season and next chapter of my life! I'm still here, and I am going to be okay. 2015 will be about forgetting what lies behind and pressing forward with Christ. But today is about remembering and saying goodbye to you and to the hope of any future friendship here. I am deeply thankful for what you have meant to me and for all the good things your friendship brought into my life. There are many more than what I have listed out here. But I'm officially joining you in saying goodbye, albeit a year a three months late. I'm praying God will help me to break the soul ties I've held on to so tightly, freeing me to let go of someone who let go of me a long time ago. It's time... "The end of an era, you might say." I will respect your decision and completely drop the hope of reconnecting, doing my best to forgive and to forget, to the degree that God allows that. I wish you the very best in life, and I will still look forward to being your friend again in heaven, where our hearts will be fully known and healed, and where every dark place and dividing wall between us will forever fade away in the light of Christ's love! ❤

With Love,

Lindsey Claire