Today is a Gift!

"True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop down into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over into the broken, fragile part of ourselves. We have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they'll leave. Friendship is about risk.  Love is about risk...

What it felt like to me was heartbreak.  I felt like something unraveled around me.  I felt more vulnerable and powerless than I had in a decade.  I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I lost it, whatever it is.  I lost that sense that I was okay, and that I would be okay again.  I lost all belief in my future.  I was sad and scared and ashamed... I turned into someone who was frazzled and scattered, who could not bear the emotional weight of her own life, let alone someone else's. The bottom just falls out sometimes, and nobody is exempt.  Everything is not okay...

Crazy mad is always covering over hurt and fear, so if we're telling the whole truth here, she hurt me, and she made me feel scared.  And that's worse than just making me mad.  I felt small and scared and out of control, and I felt like my friend was making decision after decision to hurt me.  Every time I heard from her or about her, it hurt.  It was like there was sharp glass on her hands, and every time she got near me, she cut me, even if she swore she didn't mean to... How do I forgive someone who doesn't think she did anything wrong?  Or who doesn't care?  ...I let her off the hook... forgiving her over and over, with each new angry thought or bad conversation. And I keep letting her off the hook, because when I do, I can breathe again.

Life is painful, and we carry with us so much disappointment and heartbreak.  But I'm fighting to save some space inside me where I can create hope.  I can't live there in the disappointment anymore. Today is a gift.  And if we have tomorrow, tomorrow will be a gift... Thank you, God, for the things you heal, the things you redeem, the things you refuse to leave just as they have been for what seems like forever.

I am thankful for the breaking of things that needed to be broken... thankful for the severing that allowed me to fall all the way down to the center of my fear and look it in the face, thankful for being set free from something I didn't even know I was enslaved to. I was embarrassed and ashamed in such a deep way, and to my surprise, I'm still here...

More often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair, and that thing is beautiful.  You don't want it to be beautiful at first... But one day, you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing."

~Shauna Niequist