Spoiler-filled backstory: April Kepner is one of few Christian characters on Grey's. Her firstborn child dies at birth, then she suffers other deep losses that harden her and cause her to seriously wrestle with her faith. She questions God’s heart and talks openly about being angry with Him.
Just hearing the following little segment was jarring...APRIL: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" That's what Jesus said on the cross before He died. "My God, My God, WHY have you forsaken Me?" Job asked the question, too. But he kept the faith... and what did he get for it? Replacement children? PTSD? Was it worth it to have been a faithful servant, or would it have been better to just curse God's name from the beginning? Where was God throughout all of Job's suffering and pain? He was winning a bet with Satan. Makes you wonder where He is through all of the unfairness and inequity and cruelty in the world. Where is He now?"
She has a crisis of faith and throws her Christian values out the window for a bit. Seven episodes after the above monologue about Job, she takes care of a dying Rabbi who sees that she is hurting and asks her to talk to him, and they have the following conversation:APRIL: What's that saying? If I'm not for myself, who will be for me? Uh-huh, well, I am taking care of myself for once! That's all.
RABBI ELI: You realize that that phrase is not an invitation for narcissism, right? ...I don't blame you. You know, it's human nature. You face enough hardship, then you can't help but think that you're being punished. That you did something to deserve it.
APRIL: I did nothing to deserve --- Okay. My whole life, I followed His rules. I studied, I believed, I practiced what I preached. I did every single thing He asked of me!
RABBI ELI: And that guarantees you what?? Where - where is the guarantee? ...Where is it written exactly that if you do this or that, everything in your life's gonna be good? Nowhere, in any faith is there a guarantee.
APRIL: I'm not asking for everything to be good all the time. But fair. I think that I –
RABBI ELI: Fair? Was it fair when Isaac went blind and then his child betrayed him? And where was the fairness when Sarah had to wait 99 years before she had a child, then God said, "Sacrifice him?” And Moses couldn't even get past the bouncer to the Promised Land. Like I said, I'm not up on the sequel, but from what I hear, Jesus got a raw deal. Nobody in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice... and if they lived lives like that, why should ours be different? If people only believed in God when things were good, I guarantee you, after the Holocaust, not a single Jew would be a believer... Faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believe when things are good.
APRIL: Well, so… what? The world is just cruel and random, and there's nothing anyone can do about it!?
RABBI ELI: Terrible things happen. Terrible, wonderful, devastating things happen. Who the hell are you to know why? Who are you to know why some people live and some people die?
APRIL: Children die! Children who didn't do anything wrong, children who were broken before they had a chance to be whole, who were climbing in their own front windows…
RABBI ELI: Right. And you don't get to know why any more than than I get to know why I'm dying... So you can either believe in God and goodness, or you can believe it's pointless, it's cruel, and it's random - whatever makes you happier. Are you -- happy?
APRIL: It's not narcissism.
RABBI ELI: Then what is it? Pain? Unimaginable pain. Yeah, I know the feeling.
(long pause) ...God is not indifferent to our pain.
I was caught off guard by this episode in a good way. I wanted to have that documented somewhere, so here I am posting it. It speaks to me because I have been there (2007/2008), and it speaks to me because I want so much to listen and be present and help gently restore other Christians who find themselves in that place. I really liked that she got to wrestle with all her questions and anger and pain and that they didn't tie everything up in a neat little bow of cliche answers, but also didn't end it on a "God isn't real" or "He could care less" note. (You never know how it will go with Shonda, and I'm certainly not saying Grey's always gets it right, but this storyline rings true.)
That God is not indifferent to our pain is sometimes the most helpful belief we can cling to. To believe that at the heart of it all, He is good and He loves us. Our understanding of why everything happens the way it does is incredibly limited, and we want so badly to understand why it's happening when we our lives are in chaos and we feel soul-crushing deep pain. It's why God tells us to trust Him and acknowledge Him and "lean not on our own understanding." It's why we are told over and over that He is ever-present and His love is unfailing and He will never forsake us.
I was caught off guard by this episode in a good way. I wanted to have that documented somewhere, so here I am posting it. It speaks to me because I have been there (2007/2008), and it speaks to me because I want so much to listen and be present and help gently restore other Christians who find themselves in that place. I really liked that she got to wrestle with all her questions and anger and pain and that they didn't tie everything up in a neat little bow of cliche answers, but also didn't end it on a "God isn't real" or "He could care less" note. (You never know how it will go with Shonda, and I'm certainly not saying Grey's always gets it right, but this storyline rings true.)
That God is not indifferent to our pain is sometimes the most helpful belief we can cling to. To believe that at the heart of it all, He is good and He loves us. Our understanding of why everything happens the way it does is incredibly limited, and we want so badly to understand why it's happening when we our lives are in chaos and we feel soul-crushing deep pain. It's why God tells us to trust Him and acknowledge Him and "lean not on our own understanding." It's why we are told over and over that He is ever-present and His love is unfailing and He will never forsake us.
"When my heart is overwhelmed and fainting, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I... For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation." ~Psalm 61:2, 62:1
No comments:
Post a Comment