Beauty for Ashes

Hey, friends!

I just completed my first full calendar year of graduate school, and my first semester working as a counselor!!

Debra approved my completed hours, and I finished editing the case study of Jonathan for the Appraisal class, submitting them both just after 10pm, and that did it - 2023 school time is over!  Considering that I was questioning everything and ready to drop out in January, then stressing a lot over the internship site and whether I might have to freelance, this really feels like quite a gift and quite an accomplishment.  In spite of how it may appear, it truly has been a lot of work that is consistently just a little outside of my comfort zone (and occasionally way out of it).  I don't love navigating schedule conflicts and/or being dependent on other people to complete projects on time, but both have been necessary here, and it's all helping me grow.  I have seven clients now, women ranging from age 8 to 28.  I am so constantly aware of my need for God's guidance, and I'm grateful that it feels like I'm climbing a faith ladder -- like I'm learning from the new people I meet and growing with every tiny brave step up that I convince myself to take!  So for anyone who needs some extra encouragement, I'm going with Hebrews 11:6 - Without faith it is impossible to please God, for those who draw near to God must believe that He exists, and He is a REWARDER of those who sincerely seek Him. ❤

Today is also the anniversary of the reconciliation that wasn't... the friendship redemption that didn't pan out the way I hoped and expected.  I reached out to clear the air as that decade was ending on 12-13-19, and I received an unexpected, kind, sincerely apologetic and hopeful response the next morning that set off a volcano of bottled-up wounds and grief emotions and future hopes in me - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  In lieu of reliving that or rehashing it all for the hundredth time, I'll say this:  As I look back at that day now, I'm struck by God's protective goodness.  I remember feeling next-level euphoric about the idea of us being friends again, quickly looking up flight prices and drive times to Colorado, and fighting myself not to friend request her or appear too eager (I painstakingly waited till January 9th to suggest that idea, then promptly had a panic attack while looking through old photos). lol  Not exactly a laughing matter, but gracious, hindsight is 20/20 on all of this.

On 12-14-19, (after my internal dance party flip-out as I read her message and immediately responded with a "thrilled" level of excitement that would terrify any Dismissive Avoidant), I spent the rest of that morning painting the Fultons' new home with Chet Lee, Karli Marie, Sarah Elizabeth, and Steve.  Activities like painting are always good for me when I need to calm down and think through things, so that was a gift, along with being surrounded by my favorite people, friends whose very presence calmed my highly-activated nervous system and helped me to feel safe.  I framed it as cautious wisdom or protecting something fragile then, but looking back, the fact that I did not say a word about this monumental shift to them that morning or to Mom on the phone or to any friends at Jeff and Kelly's Christmas party that night... is such a clear indicator that there were bright red flags in my soul that I was not ready to acknowledge.  Chettles and Sarah are vibrant mirrors for that kind of stuff, often the first to say out loud the things I'm already thinking and feeling, and I so deeply wanted to whitewash it and push forward.  A year and two months later, after approximately 500 difficult conversations with various friends and family members and lots of tears and confusion and internal wrestling on my end, it all ended in much the way they would've predicted on that first day.  The quickest recap would be Dwight's "Unshun... Reshun" gif.  BUT "better to have fought and lost than never fought at all."  I truly would not change it or undo my original message - I believe it all needed to happen just as it did for my sake (and probably for hers), and I see so many ways God used all of that for good as I prayed and cried and wrestled and struggled and graaaaadually gave it to Him and found closure and healing.  And beauty and hope.

God exists...
And He brings beauty for ashes.
And He rewards those who sincerely seek Him!
❤