It isn't.
I read that definition of "trust," and it all fits. I trust that God's heart - His character - is good. I trust that He has the ability to heal anyone and everyone who is suffering in the world. I trust that He has the strength to do as He pleases, and that His Word is firm and solid Truth. My confidence is placed in Him for salvation and forgiveness. All of that fits.
I trust that He hears my prayers, and I trust that He is wise and He will do what is best.
...actually, that last part is a lie. I wish it were true. I trust that He is wise, but I struggle to understand so much of what He chooses to do. Sometimes I feel that I would have a better way, or that I love and care more about certain people than He does. And yes, that's a lie and an extremely prideful attitude that needs to change. I believe on some level that He always hears my prayers, but there are many days where I feel alone and insignificant and forgotten by God. (I know, I know, the danger or listening to my emotions.)
I am weak. And very aware of my weaknesses. I am (at my worst) insecure, depressed, manipulative, bitter, guarded, prideful, and selfish. God is strong. His character is flawless. I believe that without doubt. I also have no trouble believing all that I wrote about the perfection of eternity and what our future holds!
The harder part is to trust that He loves me in the middle of messy life right here and now. (And I don't say that because of my weaknesses or because I'm 'such a wretch' ...I get so tired of Christians with their false humility.) It's hard for me to believe He loves me because my definition of love is to do all that you can to prevent and alleviate the suffering and to promote the happiness of the other person. God's definition of love is to prevent and destroy sin in our hearts and promote our growth in Christ. God's way is deeper than mine, and there are times when it makes great sense to me.
But I have to trust Him even when it doesn't. I have to believe that no matter what the outcome may be, God loves me and is working it all out for good. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." ~Proverbs 3:5
When we feel worried and do not understand what is happening or why, we have to lean on God. Especially for me and my personality, all the statistics and scientific data in the world mean very little to me when something is wrong. It is a wall that will crumble quickly if you lean on it and put your trust in all that you think you know and understand. We have to accept that we don't understand it, and choose to trust God.
Not an easy thing to do. In every situation that is important to us, God's plan could go one of many different ways, and trusting Him means trusting Him no matter what happens. It doesn't mean "trust that He'll make it all better." It means trust His heart and His goodness, even if life goes downhill and gets much worse than you could've imagined. We're supposed to give the problem to Him and believe that He cares about it as much as we do. Hard. Not impossible. I am learning this -- or being tested in this -- over and over this year. I'm quite worn out, to be honest. (I'm guessing you can tell that in this rambling post.)
Hopefully worn out enough to collapse and let it all go and let myself rest in God!!
*I thought about resting in God and looked up images for that, and there were some of children sleeping, which reminded me of this song... which fits so perfectly!
"When our hearts begin to fall and our stability grows weak, Jesus meets our needs if only we believe... Where there is faith, there is a voice calling, "Keep walking. You’re not alone in this world." Where there is faith, there is a peace like a child sleeping, and hope everlasting in He who is able to bear every burden, to heal every hurt in my heart. It is a wonderful, powerful place, where there is faith." ~Where There is Faith, 4Him
No comments:
Post a Comment