❤ 2023 EDIT: I am now in graduate school to become an LPC and help others find hope and healing in dark seasons. I am more aware and more grateful for the ways God used this hard and confusing period to shape, develop, and grow me. And I am thankful for new ways of understanding what really happened here back in 2013. My closest friend had a strong dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and she was gradually pulling away that year. After my history with sharp rejection, I could feel that in every fiber of my being, and I took it as a sign that something was deeply wrong with me. There was the unhealed aftermath of one rejection and the heavy anticipation of another, and the combination of those messages and the work of our spiritual enemy caused a great deal of shame, fear, panicked anxiety, and feeling unlovable. That led into an inner shut-down, disconnection, and depression. For reasons that are crystal clear in hindsight, that dynamic in my best friendship only got worse after my depression diagnosis, and that friendship ended via email the month after I wrote this post. I can see now that I was NOT weak or crazy or unlovable or broken. I was a beloved child of God with unhealed pain and unmet needs. While the friend I was most dependent on pulled away and left, Jesus and other friends pressed in and came closer to help me through that season, and I am entirely grateful for all that I learned through it. I've left the rest of this post intact the way I wrote it in July of 2013, starting right off with song lyrics that clarify my strong need for unwavering love that outlasts the storms...
"It hurts my heart to see you cry.
I know it's dark, this part of life.
It finds us all, and we're too small to stop the rain.
Oh, but when it rains, I will stand by you.
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do, and you can't cope.
I will dry your eyes; I will fight your fight.
I will hold you tight, and I won't let go."
(Grab a Snickers... this one may take a while.)
Slightly over two months ago, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time and was diagnosed with "major depression and general anxiety." I have been on antidepressant medication which treats both issues since the beginning of May, and I'm feeling much more peaceful, hopeful, and clearheaded. Only three people knew about it at the time, but now that I've talked it over with my closest friends and family and have their full support, I've decided to write about it here. Partly because writing is cathartic for me, and partly because it might encourage or help someone else in a similar situation someday!
I have mentioned a few times that the beginning of this year was rough for me. That is an understatement. A number of factors played into it, but I felt like everyone was moving forward and I was left behind, like I was all alone in a way that overwhelmed and scared me. But more than that, it felt eerily familiar. Like the people I loved most on earth were being taken from me at an alarming rate, and I was powerless to stop it. I struggled with physical sickness too, which tends to be a problem when your stress levels are out of balance. There were a lot of rough nights, and I felt like people were exhausted by me asking for prayer.
I prayed a lot too, and I couldn't figure out why I was still so upset and overwhelmed. School decisions seemed insurmountable - I had no clarity and didn't know what to do about it, and I was so afraid of failing publicly. Toward the end of February, my close friends were doing their best to encourage and strengthen me, so I gathered up my courage and resolved that March was going to be much better... that I would focus on the positive, be more grateful, and draw closer to God! Early morning on March 1st, Mom called to tell me that Anthony died in his sleep. I didn't know how to process that. We had just celebrated his first birthday, and now we were going to his funeral. It was heartbreaking, and like so many things swirling around me, I couldn't make sense of it.
My "word for the year" was hope, and I felt that it had totally unraveled.
Depression, as Palmer defines it, is "the ultimate state of disconnection."
I felt numb and disconnected from God. Disconnected from my own heart and purpose and passion for life. Disconnected from my values. And disconnected in my key relationships. I was exhausted by the pain of life, and my hope was running thin, so 'trying harder' held very little appeal for me. I kept going through the motions, but all I wanted to do was sleep and eat. Toward the end of March, my best friend encouraged me to seek help in the form of counseling and/or medication, saying that life does not have to be as painful as what she could see I was facing. I emailed her sister (who's a psychiatric pharmacist) with a list of questions regarding the types of medication, side effects, treatment duration, etc. Her response and talking to her on the phone was incredibly helpful. She explained the SSRI pills, the possible side effects, etc., and said: "It doesn't mean you're weak, and it doesn't mean God is weak." I struggled with so much spiritual guilt initially, the false stigma that taking medication meant God was somehow not enough for me. So hearing the truth repeatedly from trusted sources was very helpful, needed, and encouraging!
I believe it was a chemical imbalance, and the medication has already helped me. I could tell a difference within a month (it can take 6-8 weeks to start working). In addition, my lab work indicated a Vitamin B12 deficiency, which may also have contributed to the symptoms of depression, weakness, fatigue, difficulty thinking clearly, and numbness/tingling in my hands and feet. (Obviously, I'm also taking that vitamin daily now to help correct that.)
As I look at my life today and see things more clearly, there is so much to live for. A lot to be thankful for, a lot to look forward to, and a lot to hope for! I understand that the depression and anxiety I felt was a chemical imbalance and that it is not my fault, nor the fault of anyone else. I'm thankful I reached a point low enough to cause me to seek help, and I'm thankful for the support I've already received from friends and family. I'm thankful that God is using this medication to help me through this, and that I can work on developing better habits in the meantime.
"Three things will last forever -- faith, hope, and love -- and the greatest of these is love." ~I Corinthians 13:13
This verse makes sense to me... faith and hope are very powerful things, but love is the only one you can feel when you hit rock bottom. When life gets dark and your hope unravels and your faith seems to disappear, it is always LOVE - God's love and the love of family and true friends - that sustains me and eventually brings me back to hope and faith!
* * * * * * *
In debating whether to take medication, this excerpt from Captivating was really helpful for me:
"I couldn't think clearly. I didn't have the energy or the hope to go further. It was then that the counselor suggested I begin taking antidepressants... Within a couple of weeks, I no longer felt the weight over my soul that I had lived with the majority of my life. Life was no longer altogether too much. There is no shame in needing to take medicine whether to help in a short, difficult period or for the bulk of your life... By seeking healing through counseling, God was addressing my soul. God's provision of the help of antidepressants was a tremendous help to my body. I made real progress. But it was not enough... Far too many women will focus only on one or two aspects and not engage in the spiritual warfare that is swirling around us. But if we would be free, we must!" ~Stasi Eldredge, Captivating, pages 191-193
This post (click here for link) by Susan Isaacs was also a huge encouragement to me:
"I’d spent seven years trying to overcome my own personal stew of family dysfunction, addictive behavior, and the thousand natural shocks that the artistic temperament is heir to. During that time I worked on healing my eating disorder, I saw a therapist, prayed a lot, memorized Bible verses, and attended every Christian seminar that came along... But the summer of my 28th year, I could not get back up. If you’ve ever felt that kind of despair, you know what I mean. It doesn’t matter that people love you or God loves you; you know that. Your hope is built on nothing less than Jesus; you know that. Sometimes the burden of grief is so big, you cannot get out from underneath it – not even if your dad is a pastor or Jesus is your Lord. You just want to go Home.
My Christian therapist and psychiatrist both insisted I go on anti-depressants. 'You’re a flower in a vase with a hole at the bottom. All the counseling, therapy, and prayer is water you’re pouring into the vase. It doesn’t matter how much you dump into it; it’s escaping through the hole.' The antidepressant was the plug; not the water or the vase, just the plug. I resisted: maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough or believed enough. I reluctantly agreed and went on meds for a good stretch of time. Instead of waking up five floors below the basement and fighting my way to the surface, I woke up on the ground floor. I could use my energy on living. I remembered what I wanted to do with my life, with my faith and with my art. And I went after it. I took huge risks...
The only thing I have over my 27-year-old self is time. Time and experience reminds me that this too, shall pass – the unutterable sorrow and the incomprehensible joy – shall pass. It isn’t until we are united with God in Heaven that the tears will be wiped away from all faces... Do you or someone close to you struggle with depression? Consider short- or long-term medication. You have gifts no other personality type can offer. You have weaknesses no other personality type can understand. Learn to maximize your strength and mitigate its weakness." ~Susan Isaacs
This year began with a lot of pain and despair, fear over how my future would pan out, mourning over real and ambiguous losses, and feeling abnormally pulled toward death. I am not completely healed yet, but Joyce says it's important to "Let part of your testimony be the stuff you're still dealing with, not just what you have overcome." I am still dealing with this and in the process of getting better, but I feel much more certain that God is in it with me now!
How thankful I am to serve a powerful God who loves me with all His heart, who promises beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair.
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