Small Talking It Up

"...on the Barry Gibb Talk Show!" ;)  I think of that skit whenever I hear the words "talking it up!" lol  #crazycoolmedallions

I promise this will be my last personality-related post for a while.  :)
I got a bit cracked up when I read that my personality type is the most likely to struggle with making small talk... It's funny because it's sooo true!

"INFJs are Introverted – this is why they are usually self-sufficient, have little desire to make lots and lots of friends, prefer working with ideas rather than people, and don’t put a lot of emphasis on social skills. They are perfectly capable of honing their social skills and becoming experts in negotiation or small talk – however, these skills would be used out of necessity, not because they find them natural or exciting."

It had not really occurred to me that I could or should work to build that skill until yesterday.  I do hate small talk.  I feel like I'm no good at it, then that makes me feel stupid when I try.  It was perhaps my least favorite thing about being a receptionist at State Farm - I would listen to Rachael and some of the other girls who were so naturally comfortable and confident joking around with people they just met, and I'd feel like something was wrong with me.  Every topic in the world available, and I can't think of anything to say?  It made me think of Ross and Mike hanging out - I've had a couple hangouts that felt like that - it's truly awful.  Sometimes it also makes me think of Ross and Cassie, when he's feeling pressured and thinks to himself, "ANY words will do!  This is the longest anyone has not talked EVER!!"  lol

I don't like being fake, and it's hard for me to feign interest in subjects I've never cared about, and then sometimes it's just awkward.  I'm not good at being witty or clever when I have to think on my feet - which is why I often prefer writing to talking, and I hate the thought of giving any sort of impromptu speech or even playing charades. #noooo This is part of why I don't enjoy parties where there are several groups that have never met before all mixed together, and why I would never choose to host an event like that where I'm the only one who knows everyone and in charge of mass introductions.  I always put my headphones on when I'm on an airplane by myself.  I am very much okay with elevator silence with strangers, (although several people are obviously not).  And I'll talk for the first 5-10 minutes to not be rude, then I'll read a magazine or pretend to be asleep whenever I'm at the salon.  (Then eavesdrop on the conversations happening all around me, which is always entertaining! lol)

But I'm not a terrible or unfriendly person - I genuinely care about people, and I love listening to others' stories - light, deep, or in between. I want to be kind and make others feel important.  I'm just much better and more eloquent and in my element when I'm diving into a deeper conversation, but you can't exactly just jump right into that with total strangers. All of this may be part of why it came so naturally to me to try new LifeGroups, despite my quiet personality... I could always count on like-minded people and deeper conversations happening there, (which would open doors to keep discussing those topics rather than talking about sports or the weather when group was over), and I knew I would be able to spot authentic Christian people and eventually form friendships with them.  #soworthit  Once I get comfortable with someone, it all feels natural - I can easily think of a million questions, and the lighthearted conversation comes much easier.  But the beginning is always anxiety-inducing for people like me.

This lack of social skill is also why I need and love my extrovert friends!  They are great at taking the lead and making me laugh and feel really comfortable in conversation, then I'm able to breathe and listen and just enjoy getting to know them instead of feeling anxious and trying to think through what I need to say next.  It doesn't always have to be deep, by any means, nor do I ever mean to imply that I think extroverts are flitty and shallow - I think they are naturally good at starting and carrying on conversations on both ends of the spectrum, and I am always impressed by that!!

"INFJs share the combination of Intuitive and Feeling traits, feeling most comfortable in the world of ideas and principles as opposed to facts and strictly down-to-earth, practical matters. This is why they dislike small talk – it forces them to discuss topics that they are mostly unfamiliar with. Gossip, sports and various details of daily life (“Guess what I saw at the bus stop this morning…”) rarely interest people belonging to this type group – consequently, finding something to talk about can be a real challenge. INFJs are the ones most likely to be hindered by this – people with this personality type are Introverted, which means that they are used to being alone and engaging in self-reflection as opposed to relying on external connections... These traits can make it difficult for INFJs to engage in small talk and lead to awkwardness in social situations, especially if the other person is not willing to take the lead. In turn, the INFJ may often experience anxiety well in advance of a social event, knowing that it is likely to be a challenge."  #truth

Anyway, the e-book went on to say: "The ability to make small talk can be developed just like any other skill. INFJs are good at coming up with plans and ideas, and there is no reason why small talk should not be approached just like any other challenge...  The main purpose of small talk is to serve as a gateway leading to a deeper, more meaningful conversation. It also has other uses, such as getting a quick glimpse into another person’s personality and making them feel more important – so there are plenty of reasons why you should take time to develop this skill...

"There is no reason to think that there is something wrong with you if you simply have poor small talk skills – in all likelihood, you have spent just a tiny amount of time practicing them, when compared to nearly any extrovert. Of course you will be at a disadvantage. However, if you break this issue down into its basic building blocks and strategies, you will find that it is far less scary than it looks. Most people love talking about themselves, all they need is a little encouragement...

"Knowing all the tips and strategies in the world will not help if you start feeling fidgety and anxious the moment someone asks you a question. If you are feeling really uncomfortable in social situations, your true self-confidence will show, and this is what you need to work on...  the basic techniques will not really mean anything if your body language is screaming 'I am uncomfortable.' It is very important to work on the presentation of self-confidence as well, especially if you are actively trying to meet new people, e.g. a potential partner."

(www.16personalities.com)

Ugh, that last sentence makes me feel anxious just reading it! lol  But I am determined to work on my confidence and being better at making small talk when meeting new people.  Laura is our secretary-bailiff here and she's always great at talking to the random people and attorneys that come in (whilst I sit in my office blogging with my headphones on, thanking God that I don't have to deal with all that).  I remember telling her I was impressed with her ability to talk with everyone, and her saying that her motto is "Assume familiarity."  I really like that!  Be comfortable and casual and talk to them like they're a friend, then the other person is more likely to feel that way, too.  My motto is more like "Assume stranger danger" or "Silence is golden." lol  But I'm gonna work on that and get more comfortable with it.  I'm not necessarily seeking out more close friends (which is another reason I haven't attempted to work on this before) - but in pretty much any profession that is not court reporting, it will be a major asset, and as they said, a gateway to more meaningful conversation.  That would be especially important to help people feel more comfortable and relaxed before diving into the big stuff in a counseling setting.  So I can get on board with that! :)

Mmkay, that's all for this topic, and now it's time for me to get back to real work.  #lame  And to writing (I'm about 5,000 words behind, but overall, doing pretty well and should be able to make my 30,000 words in 30 days goal!)  Thanks for reading, friends!

Hope you have a fantastic Friday!! =)