Photo Friday!

Yaaaaaaay for this!!  For cooler weather and football starting up again and the scents of my fall candles and all the awesome Autumn things! ❤

This short prayer was one of my favorite things in Allison Fallon's Indestructible book.  To really know God's love for you personally, to be healed by understanding His love, and to become all He meant for you to be. What a great thing to pray over yourself and your friends and family! ❤

Miss K posing it up with her dominoes tower!

Please pray for Baby Ava (my second cousin, Katie's baby) - she's been through multiple surgeries and still has some heart issues that they have to work on.  She's doing well, praise the Lord!  She looks so sweet and precious. ❤

Sorry if I've already posted this one - I took it sometime this past month, but can't really remember what I've put on the blog and what I haven't.  I always love to see Dad greeting us at the door at MWC LifeChurch!

Thanks to all our work on the DeBusk slideshow, I was able to make this happy collage.  It's Grandad, Babah, JoBug, Mom, Me, Rach, Blake, and Emily... all around age 18-20!  It makes my heart happy.

...I think that when we get to heaven, we'll all recognize each other easily, but everyone will be young and healed and at their very best!  (And fully known and fully loved and secure and happy, and with and for each other in a way we can barely understand here. #getexcited #itsrealanditscoming)  ❤❤❤

We played a new game called Unstable Unicorns a few weeks back at connect group.  It was super random and cute and fun, and it's always encouraging to spend time with the Fosters!

That's all I've got for this post.  Hope you're having a lovely Friday!! =)

"May you grow every day in the knowledge of God's love for you. 

May that knowledge bring you great healing. 

And through that healing, may you become all you were intended to be!"

Five Years Later...

Today marks five years since I received a life-changing email from my former best friend.

Here are some thoughts about what happened then and what I have learned thus far:

We met and connected in September 2007, and the following five years were mainly full of good times and deep talks and fun memories, years where we were known to each other and everyone around us as "best friends."  It all feels so surreal to me looking back... but it was good, and it was real.  And it mattered.

  

Something gradually shifted in 2012, and we went from equals to inferior/superior roles.  That shift was rough, and my depression coupled with her disengagement to create a nauseating spiral that eventually led to her sending a brief email that effectively ended our six-year friendship on 8-26-13.  There was no major fight leading up to it, just the vague idea that I was too exhausting and no longer worth the effort.  "It's not brutal in the sense of you chew the other person out and tell them what a worthless piece of garbage they are.  It's brutal in a way where you act like they don't exist, which is perhaps one of the worst things you can do to someone: to pretend that they don't exist... or that they might as well have never existed to you."  A piercing message, and harder to shake when I was already feeling overwhelmed/exhausted by my own pain, then being discarded by someone whose opinion I had come to deeply trust.  

Having another best friendship end abruptly without the dignity of a face-to-face conversation was hurtful and embarrassing, a distressing "shoot the glass" shame-storm and spiritual warfare moment that came at a time when I was already fighting to overcome depression and seeing a counselor to sift through past relational damage.  Everything was NOT okay, and I went through a terrible, crazy emotional roller-coaster in the year+ that followed.  Truly, God alone knows all the trauma I fought through in that season, and I will never downplay that or minimize the pain of losing my best friend.  I have compared the grief process to the arm amputation scene in 127 Hours... it is actively choosing life in spite of the excruciating pain and life-altering scars you know you will endure by moving forward without that part of yourself.  (Of course, life is the right choice every time, but I'll come back to that later!)

* * * * * * *

By God's grace, we each have a say in the relationships and boundaries we want in our lives... and in spite of the myriad of ways other people's decisions have hurt me, I am thankful for that truth.  Free will is a beautiful and a terrifying thing.  God never forces anyone to love Him or be faithful, and we cannot force other people to love us or stick around.  But make no mistake that it is painful when someone stops loving you.  Feeling cold indifference from someone you still deeply care for is awful in a way words can never adequately describe, and the unexpected, harsh nature of this ending had a profound effect on my soul.  I feel very grateful for every bit of kindness, compassion, and love that was shown to me as I was struggling to recover and breathe again.  I know I was a hot mess in those early days, and I am very thankful to have friends who prayed for me and pointed me back to hope and to God!

Every close relationship goes through messy periods, and if both parties are not fully committed, the difficult times are likely to take them out.  Our friendship truly was a special and sacred thing, but we valued it at different levels, and it was a costly mistake.  I do still miss her.  I know I was not in a healthy place toward the end of our friendship, but I've never been certain about exactly what she found intolerable and unforgivable to the point of being "unable to give me a clean slate."  So I do not claim to understand her decision and probably won't during this lifetime, but what's done is done... and to borrow some cheesiness from Christina, it's made me a fighter!  This is one of many things the enemy intended for my harm that God has now used for good.  I am not who I once was, and in most ways, I am thankful for that:  I am not as weak, fragile, dependent, needy, or negative.  And I never will be again!  I am far more committed to fighting through the enemy's lies and insults, more confident that God will sustain me through every trial.  I am also more cautious and discerning now, slower to open up and trust people with deeply personal things.

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things any of us will face in life, and this has once again exponentially increased my compassion, understanding, and grace for those suffering deep rejection or relational loss and grief.  Just as it has decreased my patience with women playing it small, clinging to the victim role, or claiming they don't know what they would ever do without ____.  I'm the first to assure them the loss would hurt like hell, but they could survive it and "woman up" and become stronger!  We cannot afford to let our overblown imaginations run away with us there... and we cannot entertain the weaksauce mindset that one thing or another would crush us and take us out, because we are (all of us) being individually and specifically targeted by a vicious enemy.  But our God is greater, and He is still with us and for us even when our worst fears become our reality.  So we can press on through our greatest pain and find renewed strength and healing in Christ!  We CAN do hard things in life, and indeed sometimes we must.  So take courage, friends... God's grace will always be sufficient for your present situation (as opposed to your exaggerated, imagined fears).  And there is an awesome, surprising grit factor and fierce determination that comes into play when you feel repeatedly attacked and beaten down by the enemy, where you finally realize you have more power, courage, and strength of spirit than you ever gave yourself credit for!! ❤❤

Without a doubt, the toughest lie I had to fight through in the aftermath of her decision was that forgiveness made me weak and pathetic.  There are times when God clarifies that nothing could be further from the truth, but forgiveness is never a one-and-done thing when the cut goes this deep.  That weakness lie is persistent and particularly effective when you have felt so belittled/humiliated and you feel an intense need to re-prove yourself as worthy, strong, and capable.  In any close betrayal, forgiveness is going to be a major challenge and healing a more lengthy process.  And even then, God offers us both, and He expects us to forgive them.  His grace and kindness toward us compel us to trust Him and cling to the truth, to climb out of the bitterness pit and remember who our real enemy is, and that we are not his only target!  Hurting people hurt people, and we have to make the choice to humanize the people who hurt us and to forgive them over and over again for as long as it takes us to find real freedom!

"Forgiveness is not saying, 'It didn't really matter;' it is not saying, 'I probably deserved part of it anyway.'  Forgiveness says, 'It was wrong.  Very wrong.  It mattered, and it hurt me deeply.  And I release you.  I give you to God.'"  ~John Eldredge ❤

There is still room for personal and relational growth in several areas.  I am obviously a work in progress who is deeply thankful to belong to a God who never gives up on me. Where I used to regularly overshare, now it can be difficult to really open up and be vulnerable with my friends, so I have to keep reminding myself that there are more lifeguards than sharks.  (Even so, I know I am more likely to turn to God, to writing, to family, or to an outside counselor for extra support in a major crisis... and less likely to turn to the friends in my life with anything they might find overly negative or burdensome... and that may be for the best.)  On a subconscious level, I feel as if my defenses are always alert - I fear pushing friends away, just as I fear letting them get too close.  So I want to work on that and continue cultivating more vulnerability and trust that is tempered by healthy wisdom.

I'm unlikely to speak confidently about any friendship being permanent at this point, but I do want to make the most of whatever season God gives me with each of my friends.  Life is short and time is precious, and we all thrive when we have healthy and supportive relational connections.  One of my greatest joys is having a small circle of close Christian friends, but I resist the idea of labeling any one person my "best" friend again, believing it puts unfair pressure on that friendship and gives Satan too obvious a target in his "kill, steal, and destroy" mission.  So my goal is simply to foster healthy friendships and good boundaries with people who treat me well and do not view me as inferior or damaged, but worthy of love and respect.  And to have thick skin but keep a soft heart.  I am practicing being less cynical and suspicious, believing the best and giving others the benefit of the doubt when I feel hurt rather than seeing things through a jaded, self-protective lens.  It's important work.  There is progress but not perfection, and that is enough for now! ❤

This experience has forever altered my perspective in some ways, and rightfully so.  I still absolutely believe God's promise that He works all things together for our good!  I actually feel more personal strength, stability, and joy now than ever before.  And I correctly value my own life and enjoy my own company far more than I once did. =)  Other people's opinions about me will sway back and forth over the course of time, but God alone determines my worth and value, and His heart of love toward me is firm and unfailing and not subject to change! 

As I have said before, the timing of Miss Kyndal Faith's birth less than two weeks before the email was a Godsend for me in so many ways.  I am decidedly more resilient these days, and I love the inner transformation God has walked me through there!  Where I used to joke around about euthanasia and have seasons of true despair, now I have made a very firm commitment to choose life, whatever may come... and those who know me well know I absolutely do not say that lightly.  Life is an infinitely valuable and precious gift from God.  I belong to the Lord who knows my heart and loves me uniquely and has a purpose for keeping me alive.  There is ALWAYS more life, hope, and light on the other side of crushing losses that feel very much like death, shame, and darkness.  That's my biggest takeaway from all of this.  Indeed, hope is buoyant and life goes on, and I am ever so thankful to be in a better and more joyful place now!! ❤

People develop trust issues for obvious reasons.  Human nature is sinful, and people are often fickle and disappointing... and sometimes uncharacteristically cruel.  Not everyone we love will love us in return, and that is undeniably hard on our hearts.  But there is always a reason to keep holding on.  Always!  The unending life of Jesus means that there is an eternal and ultimate hope that far outweighs ALL the suffering (emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual) that we will ever endure here.  He is the solid Rock and a true friend who stands firm when everything else we've believed in starts to shift and cave like sinking sand.  His life and coming kingdom are the only hope strong enough to be our foundation and the anchor for our souls, holding them firm and secure.

So to anyone who is hurting today, take a deep breath, acknowledge and FEEL your pain, then vow to push forward and keep choosing life!  Jesus Christ alone has the power to save you and sustain you... and He believes YOU are worth the effort.  He does not find you too exhausting or want a break from you, and His friendship will never expire!  And that is the best encouragement I can give to anyone currently suffering the awful pain of rejection and the greatest lesson I have learned through this whole mess, (although it was painfully won).  This anniversary can serve as a lasting reminder for me to choose life and cling to God, the best friend whose heart will be with me and for me always, faithful and steadfast in His strength, love, and kindness!  ❤

"I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!”  ~Lamentations 3:19-24

Quotables!

"You don’t look ready for rafting!  Or summer, for that matter!" ~Chettles to me

"Yeah, me and Chet and Lindsey and... someone else... we went to Vegas and saw One Republic in concert!"  ~JEM to Shane, making me laugh 

"Well, if you need any more furniture moved, feel free to call!" ~Jeffrey Edward lol

Talking about the Caravan shutting down (where we used to go dancing):
"That's probably why you and I are looking... less trim these days.  That was a good workout!!" ~Jeff
"Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with my daily eating habits. Let's blame the Caravan!"  ~Chet Lee lol

"He’s sucking the nectar (makes suction hand motion) ...from your hair!" ~Jace, when a fly kept landing on Mom's head

(Dipping his Oreo in ketchup here... yuuuuck!!)

"I just want to be upfront and say that I visually enjoy you!" ~a line from Mamma Mia that made me LOL

"The fact is you have a straightforward choice before you:  You must choose either death or life." ~Granny to Mary on Downton Abbey ❤

"Did Mom say anything about dinner?" ~Dad (as we were leaving the movie and I'd just talked to Mom on the phone)
"She said she hasn’t had anything but wasn’t really hungry." ~Me
"She’s probably too worried about Jace’s second day of school!  ‘You only have one second day!’"  ~Charlene, imitating Mom lol (we saw the movie on their first day of school)

(In a conversation about Alexa where JoBug had her look something up for us...)
Bryce:  "I'm telling you it's big brother, always listening!"
Mom:  "And they can use them in court cases now, too."
JoBug:  "Hmm, ALEXA, I take back what I said about killing my husband!" lol
Dad:  "Next thing she’ll say is, 'Calling 911.'"

JSV:
"So I'm supposed to let someone out who eluded a police officer when they arrested him?  Now, does that sound intelligent?  That just doesn't have the ring of intelligence about it!"

"Now, if they put you in jail down there -- because you look like you belong in jail -- then you tell them to come find me, and I'll vouch for you!" (to me, before we went to the jail courtroom) 

"I can't hear a d**n thing in this courtroom!  Can you hear in here, Lindsey?  Or do you just write whatever the hell you feel like!?" lolol

"This woman is a real wit!"  (about Laura)

(Leans over to whisper something to Laura as a neck-tatoo defendant walks in, then turns to me...) "Lindsey... he's single!"

"Now when you get out, you need to go see the Court Clerk.  You probably won't... but there's a computer that'll issue a warrant if you don't, so you may wanna think about it!"

"Well, this is the G---W--- Memorial courtroom." (teasing an attorney there who didn't like being at jail court by pretending to name that courtroom after him)
"Memorial!??" ~Several people at once
"We didn't wanna have to buy another plaque when he died, so we just started off with that!" ~JV

"So I got no other charges besides this one!?"
JV: "Oh, I wouldn't go that far... there's just something about you that looks guilty."

"You're both very sweet children!" (about me and Laura)

(Reading over the docket)  "Embezzlement?  Well, that's a rather classy crime." lol

"No, it's set at 1:31... 1:30 is a totally different case!!"  (mocking our 10:00 and 10:01 docket times for Tuesdays)

JV:  "Well, I thought you were more of a liberal!"
L:  "What made you think that?"
JV:  "Well, you're a vegetarian, and they tend to be more liberal.  But then I do you remember you being a touch religious - so that would seem more conservative. What sort of church do you attend?
L:  "It's Presbyterian."
JV:  "Ahh, then you're a democrat for sure!" lol

Girlfranz Gathering!

Heeeeeere's a Sam-Puff!! lol  This pic cracked me up.  She's an in-your-face, full-of-love kind of girlfriend! #sammich #extrovert #heygirlfran

And here's a Tiny Bell!  She's a sweet little presh diva. ❤ #bellsylove #introvert #escapeartist

I got to take care of them this weekend while the guys were on vacation. They were super excited to see me, and it was so great getting to hang out with them and play, just the three of us! =) #bestgirlfranz #reunion

Always with the rolled tongue, panting and excited about life! lol #fartsue

Cutest. Dogs. EVER.

#stilltrue #flufflepuffsisters #tinymomes #freshlygroomed

Dad and J&K came with me on Sunday afternoon, and the kids were excited to see the dogs again too!  The feeling may not have been mutual, as we had to constantly tell J&K not to pick them up or scream near them or be too rough. But mostly, they had fun!

#begentle #canIpickherupnow? #stillno

 Bellsy and a Sammers... both are silly; both are sweet!!

I still think about them a lot, and I loved getting to see and play with and take care of them again! ❤  I do feel confident that the move was in their best interest, and I'm thankful that they're getting lots of love and attention and having a happy, energetic, playful life there!! =)

Till next time, fluffy sues! ❤

Memory Monday ~ The DeBusk Visit

^How I'm feeling today (and most of this summer)! ❤

We had several DeBusk family members (Babah's side of the fam) come in from Colorado, Nebraska, and Nevada to surprise Babah and Grandad this weekend.  Everything went well, and they were definitely surprised!  We all met for dinner on Friday at Gaillardia (a ritzy country club in OKC where JoBug and her fam are members).  I mentioned Mom and I going through stacks of old photos lately and scanning them in... we made a 400-picture slideshow of family pics through the years for that night, which you can see by clicking HERE.

Family Group Pic:

On Saturday, the men played golf while Tonya and DJ came to my parents' house and we all sorted through Aunt Betty's old recipes (we're planning to make a DeBusk Family Cookbook soon).  That night, we all came to JoBug's for Swadley's BBQ dinner and Babah's homemade ice cream.  It was really great getting to visit with everyone. Toward the end of the night, Bryce spoke up and gave a mini-speech honoring Grandad that was just perfection...

(Bryce, Bill, Audie, and Tonya are siblings, and they're cousins to Mom and JoBug.  They were all really close growing up, and at different points, Babah and Grandad helped out with raising them.)

Anyway, Bryce told Grandad that he didn't know anyone who had done it better as a man, a husband, a father, and a grandfather. And that he was "like John Wayne" in his eyes, a larger-than-life kind of hero figure.  He made a few jokes to lighten the mood here and there, but people were tearing up all over the room, definitely including Grandad, and it felt really sacred and special.  He credited Grandad and Babah for helping raise Audie and build him up to be a good man.  Bryce said that they all really wanted to come visit us, and that he wanted to say that to them now because sometimes people wait until it's too late, and you can't tell someone how much they've meant to you after they die.  He probably put it more eloquently, but it's so true, and I'm incredibly thankful that Grandad and Babah got to see them and hear that now - I know it meant a lot to them, as it did to all of us who love them!  ...I'm thankful for all the times when our family (and my circle of friends) takes the time to specifically encourage and thank people, to say it out loud and tell them what they mean to us rather than taking them for granted! It matters, and it's such a wonderful thing to value and honor people in that way. ❤

Babah's a funny one, and she didn't like the idea of having to decide who gets certain things when she dies... so she brought several of the antique items that had belonged to her parents or grandparents, and she had the six cousins (Mom, JB, Bryce, Bill, Audie, and Tonya) draw numbers and then take turns picking something for themselves. lol  Rach and I thought it was kind of a morbid little game when we heard she was doing that, but it ended up being a good time talking about where everything came from, and now she doesn't have to make those decisions. Win-win. lol

We met them all for breakfast at Virginia's Cafe (a good friend of Babah's) on Sunday morning, then they all drove or flew back home.  All in all, it was a rich weekend full of good stories and memories, both old and new... and it made me wish I got to see the DeBusk gang more often. =)

Here's a short slideshow with the pictures from this weekend:


Thanks to Judge's vacation and Kyndal's birthday, this will be my first full work week in August. lol  No complaints!!  Happy Monday, gang! =)

Photo Friday!! =)

A few pics from my awesome Aunt Charlene's 60th Birthday celebration last weekend! =)

New backpacks all around, ready for a new school year!

Mom and I got up crazy early yesterday to go take pics of the Parrish kids before they left for their first day of school... this is one of my favorites!! =)

Miss K with her new Wonder Woman mug! ❤

This was Kyndal's first first day at CHA!

Mrs. Gentry will be her teacher this year (Jace's teacher from last year). =)

Tiny preshface!

This = her nervous face.  She got really nervous for a bit and almost cried, but ended up doing really well! =)

Yesterday was also Rach's first day on her new job as the Extended Care Director for CHA!

A great Parrish Fam pic!

Jace's teacher, Mrs. Garner!  She's already talking to him about stepping up and being a leader for their class, encouraging him to lead by a good example, and I love that!

T-man is already in 5th grade - craziness!  His teacher this year is Mrs. Talley.

J. Michael with all the confidence and cuteness! =)

Carter Lee has Mrs. French (T-man's teacher last year). =)

Summer went by fast, and the start of a new school year is already here for them.  I hope it'll be a year with lots of good memories and growth and learning new things!!  Happy Friday, friends!

A Grand (Lake) Birthday!!

HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY to my one and only niece, the mini Miss Kyndal Faith!!! ❤

Shaking things up again, K-Faith decided to celebrate her birthday at Grand Lake this year!  At age 34, it was my first official lake trip (our fam went to Lake Tahoe years ago, but didn't get on a boat or do anything very lake-y.) lol  The Parrishes have been several times this summer, and they rented a place at Candlewick and stayed for a while since this was their last summer vacation before school starts back.  

Mom and Dad picked me up on their way, and the three of us joined the Parrish fam there from about 10:30 to 6:30 last Friday.  Mom was stung by a wasp that morning, Jace had a chin injury that night, and K-Faith got scared to jump off the high dive and then was so sad that she didn't find the courage to do it again... other than those things (which were all quick and relatively minor - certainly more minor than they would've been if I'd been stung), it was a pretty perfect day!!  And we got so many great pictures! =)  

*When Rach asked Kyndal what she wanted to do at the lake for her birthday, her immediate preshface response was "Take Pictures!!" lol  Mamaw and I had her covered... we got 800+ between the two of us, approximately 100 per hour. lol  Since I can't make a Flipagram and no one has designed a similar app yet, I'm posting a bunch of them here:

Rach drove the boat, which I found very impressive! lol  

All the kids were excited to point out their favorite spots to us! =)

It was a really pretty day, and the breeze on the boat ride was fantastic!

Mamaw and her grandkids!

Me and Bampa with all the kids! =)

 I mean, is she not the cutest thing you've seen in all your life!? lol

We had lunch at The Parrot, where Jaceman was super excited to show us his parrot friend, Jake.

"But I just wish he had a friend with him so he wouldn't have to be alone, you know!"  

~Jace (who's been begging to get a parrot for a while now)

Parrish fam by the dock, (getting ready to go back to the cabin for cake and ice cream)!

A tasty and adorable Merritt's cake I got for K-Faith! ❤

The sparkler candles were nearly impossible to blow out. lol

A pretty dress from Mamaw!

My gift for her - some sparkly boots Mom said she'd wanted. I told her, "Those are from Aunt Lindsey."  To which she said, "Who's Aunt Lindsey!?" lolol  They never put the word aunt with my name.

Her lake friends, (John, Nikki, Nicole, and Emily) stopped by and brought her a few presents!

Mom also brought them all "spy glasses" -- glasses that have a mirror so you can see behind you.  They were a hit! lol

After lunch and b-day cake, we took the boat over to Serenity Point...

 The kids did a lot of diving, flips, and jumping off the high dive! =)

This was an attempt to get them all jumping at once. lol  Didn't quite work out, but the gif is still fun!

"Cannonbaaaaall!!"

Me and Miss on the way to the Shangri La pool!

We had lots of fun there, and I finally got to swim a bit!  Sadly, Jaceman busted his chin on that bar at the top of the slide. =(

This was pretty fun!  The water hits much harder than I expected. lol

We had a great dinner at Doc's Restaurant!  This = J trying to make a sad face about his injury but laughing instead. lol  (There happened to be an EMT there swimming, and she grabbed a first aid kit and helped him out!)

They had golf carts there that could take Mom closer to the boat.  The boys decided to join her. lol

We stopped the boat in the middle of the lake to take a few Parrish fam pics!

It makes me laugh every time Kyndal does this sassy little pose, and I love that Josh did it with her here. lol

Dad driving the boat for a tiny minute. lol

So many more pics I could post, but this will do for now. lol

I'm thankful it was such a beautiful day outside and a fun time with the fam!  And I hope the tiny preshface mini Miss K has an awesome birthday today!! ❤