Five Years Later...

Today marks five years since I received a life-changing email from my former best friend.

Here are some thoughts about what happened then and what I have learned thus far:

We met and connected in September 2007, and the following five years were mainly full of good times and deep talks and fun memories, years where we were known to each other and everyone around us as "best friends."  It all feels so surreal to me looking back... but it was good, and it was real.  And it mattered.

  

Something gradually shifted in 2012, and we went from equals to inferior/superior roles.  That shift was rough, and my depression coupled with her disengagement to create a nauseating spiral that eventually led to her sending a brief email that effectively ended our six-year friendship on 8-26-13.  There was no major fight leading up to it, just the vague idea that I was too exhausting and no longer worth the effort.  "It's not brutal in the sense of you chew the other person out and tell them what a worthless piece of garbage they are.  It's brutal in a way where you act like they don't exist, which is perhaps one of the worst things you can do to someone: to pretend that they don't exist... or that they might as well have never existed to you."  A piercing message, and harder to shake when I was already feeling overwhelmed/exhausted by my own pain, then being discarded by someone whose opinion I had come to deeply trust.  

Having another best friendship end abruptly without the dignity of a face-to-face conversation was hurtful and embarrassing, a distressing "shoot the glass" shame-storm and spiritual warfare moment that came at a time when I was already fighting to overcome depression and seeing a counselor to sift through past relational damage.  Everything was NOT okay, and I went through a terrible, crazy emotional roller-coaster in the year+ that followed.  Truly, God alone knows all the trauma I fought through in that season, and I will never downplay that or minimize the pain of losing my best friend.  I have compared the grief process to the arm amputation scene in 127 Hours... it is actively choosing life in spite of the excruciating pain and life-altering scars you know you will endure by moving forward without that part of yourself.  (Of course, life is the right choice every time, but I'll come back to that later!)

* * * * * * *

By God's grace, we each have a say in the relationships and boundaries we want in our lives... and in spite of the myriad of ways other people's decisions have hurt me, I am thankful for that truth.  Free will is a beautiful and a terrifying thing.  God never forces anyone to love Him or be faithful, and we cannot force other people to love us or stick around.  But make no mistake that it is painful when someone stops loving you.  Feeling cold indifference from someone you still deeply care for is awful in a way words can never adequately describe, and the unexpected, harsh nature of this ending had a profound effect on my soul.  I feel very grateful for every bit of kindness, compassion, and love that was shown to me as I was struggling to recover and breathe again.  I know I was a hot mess in those early days, and I am very thankful to have friends who prayed for me and pointed me back to hope and to God!

Every close relationship goes through messy periods, and if both parties are not fully committed, the difficult times are likely to take them out.  Our friendship truly was a special and sacred thing, but we valued it at different levels, and it was a costly mistake.  I do still miss her.  I know I was not in a healthy place toward the end of our friendship, but I've never been certain about exactly what she found intolerable and unforgivable to the point of being "unable to give me a clean slate."  So I do not claim to understand her decision and probably won't during this lifetime, but what's done is done... and to borrow some cheesiness from Christina, it's made me a fighter!  This is one of many things the enemy intended for my harm that God has now used for good.  I am not who I once was, and in most ways, I am thankful for that:  I am not as weak, fragile, dependent, needy, or negative.  And I never will be again!  I am far more committed to fighting through the enemy's lies and insults, more confident that God will sustain me through every trial.  I am also more cautious and discerning now, slower to open up and trust people with deeply personal things.

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things any of us will face in life, and this has once again exponentially increased my compassion, understanding, and grace for those suffering deep rejection or relational loss and grief.  Just as it has decreased my patience with women playing it small, clinging to the victim role, or claiming they don't know what they would ever do without ____.  I'm the first to assure them the loss would hurt like hell, but they could survive it and "woman up" and become stronger!  We cannot afford to let our overblown imaginations run away with us there... and we cannot entertain the weaksauce mindset that one thing or another would crush us and take us out, because we are (all of us) being individually and specifically targeted by a vicious enemy.  But our God is greater, and He is still with us and for us even when our worst fears become our reality.  So we can press on through our greatest pain and find renewed strength and healing in Christ!  We CAN do hard things in life, and indeed sometimes we must.  So take courage, friends... God's grace will always be sufficient for your present situation (as opposed to your exaggerated, imagined fears).  And there is an awesome, surprising grit factor and fierce determination that comes into play when you feel repeatedly attacked and beaten down by the enemy, where you finally realize you have more power, courage, and strength of spirit than you ever gave yourself credit for!! ❤❤

Without a doubt, the toughest lie I had to fight through in the aftermath of her decision was that forgiveness made me weak and pathetic.  There are times when God clarifies that nothing could be further from the truth, but forgiveness is never a one-and-done thing when the cut goes this deep.  That weakness lie is persistent and particularly effective when you have felt so belittled/humiliated and you feel an intense need to re-prove yourself as worthy, strong, and capable.  In any close betrayal, forgiveness is going to be a major challenge and healing a more lengthy process.  And even then, God offers us both, and He expects us to forgive them.  His grace and kindness toward us compel us to trust Him and cling to the truth, to climb out of the bitterness pit and remember who our real enemy is, and that we are not his only target!  Hurting people hurt people, and we have to make the choice to humanize the people who hurt us and to forgive them over and over again for as long as it takes us to find real freedom!

"Forgiveness is not saying, 'It didn't really matter;' it is not saying, 'I probably deserved part of it anyway.'  Forgiveness says, 'It was wrong.  Very wrong.  It mattered, and it hurt me deeply.  And I release you.  I give you to God.'"  ~John Eldredge ❤

There is still room for personal and relational growth in several areas.  I am obviously a work in progress who is deeply thankful to belong to a God who never gives up on me. Where I used to regularly overshare, now it can be difficult to really open up and be vulnerable with my friends, so I have to keep reminding myself that there are more lifeguards than sharks.  (Even so, I know I am more likely to turn to God, to writing, to family, or to an outside counselor for extra support in a major crisis... and less likely to turn to the friends in my life with anything they might find overly negative or burdensome... and that may be for the best.)  On a subconscious level, I feel as if my defenses are always alert - I fear pushing friends away, just as I fear letting them get too close.  So I want to work on that and continue cultivating more vulnerability and trust that is tempered by healthy wisdom.

I'm unlikely to speak confidently about any friendship being permanent at this point, but I do want to make the most of whatever season God gives me with each of my friends.  Life is short and time is precious, and we all thrive when we have healthy and supportive relational connections.  One of my greatest joys is having a small circle of close Christian friends, but I resist the idea of labeling any one person my "best" friend again, believing it puts unfair pressure on that friendship and gives Satan too obvious a target in his "kill, steal, and destroy" mission.  So my goal is simply to foster healthy friendships and good boundaries with people who treat me well and do not view me as inferior or damaged, but worthy of love and respect.  And to have thick skin but keep a soft heart.  I am practicing being less cynical and suspicious, believing the best and giving others the benefit of the doubt when I feel hurt rather than seeing things through a jaded, self-protective lens.  It's important work.  There is progress but not perfection, and that is enough for now! ❤

This experience has forever altered my perspective in some ways, and rightfully so.  I still absolutely believe God's promise that He works all things together for our good!  I actually feel more personal strength, stability, and joy now than ever before.  And I correctly value my own life and enjoy my own company far more than I once did. =)  Other people's opinions about me will sway back and forth over the course of time, but God alone determines my worth and value, and His heart of love toward me is firm and unfailing and not subject to change! 

As I have said before, the timing of Miss Kyndal Faith's birth less than two weeks before the email was a Godsend for me in so many ways.  I am decidedly more resilient these days, and I love the inner transformation God has walked me through there!  Where I used to joke around about euthanasia and have seasons of true despair, now I have made a very firm commitment to choose life, whatever may come... and those who know me well know I absolutely do not say that lightly.  Life is an infinitely valuable and precious gift from God.  I belong to the Lord who knows my heart and loves me uniquely and has a purpose for keeping me alive.  There is ALWAYS more life, hope, and light on the other side of crushing losses that feel very much like death, shame, and darkness.  That's my biggest takeaway from all of this.  Indeed, hope is buoyant and life goes on, and I am ever so thankful to be in a better and more joyful place now!! ❤

People develop trust issues for obvious reasons.  Human nature is sinful, and people are often fickle and disappointing... and sometimes uncharacteristically cruel.  Not everyone we love will love us in return, and that is undeniably hard on our hearts.  But there is always a reason to keep holding on.  Always!  The unending life of Jesus means that there is an eternal and ultimate hope that far outweighs ALL the suffering (emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual) that we will ever endure here.  He is the solid Rock and a true friend who stands firm when everything else we've believed in starts to shift and cave like sinking sand.  His life and coming kingdom are the only hope strong enough to be our foundation and the anchor for our souls, holding them firm and secure.

So to anyone who is hurting today, take a deep breath, acknowledge and FEEL your pain, then vow to push forward and keep choosing life!  Jesus Christ alone has the power to save you and sustain you... and He believes YOU are worth the effort.  He does not find you too exhausting or want a break from you, and His friendship will never expire!  And that is the best encouragement I can give to anyone currently suffering the awful pain of rejection and the greatest lesson I have learned through this whole mess, (although it was painfully won).  This anniversary can serve as a lasting reminder for me to choose life and cling to God, the best friend whose heart will be with me and for me always, faithful and steadfast in His strength, love, and kindness!  ❤

"I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!”  ~Lamentations 3:19-24