Fall and Boundaries

Tomorrow is September 1st.  In the Lindsey-calendar, that means the beginning of fall, which I define as all of September - November.  It also marks the beginning of the last third of 2019... so we have four months left to get it together and finish this thing out strong! =)

For several external reasons, it's been a difficult summer, plus I'm over this August heat ;-)  ...so I say bring on the fall!

My goal for the rest of this year is to work on implementing better Christlike boundaries.  Elizabeth and I are going to go through the Boundaries book and workbook together, and I'm really excited about that!

I want to take time to let Jesus restore my soul, and I want to improve at recognizing what I am responsible for and what I need to let go of and distance myself from.  It's incredibly hard for me to watch kids I love hurting because of adult choices outside their control.  It's also hard for me not to project how I would feel in their situation onto them, (which is a problem because I feel everything very deeply and often feel an unfair sense of responsibility for the emotional brokenness in others that I'm incapable of fixing).  While I am not one of the adults directly responsible for them, I also don't want to ever be callous about what happens to them.  So prayer and general encouragement and willingness to really listen and help wherever I can is probably my best bet moving forward.  But maybe the Boundaries books will help me define that line (and other tricky relational dynamics with family and friends) more clearly.

Mostly, I know the books will say that I am responsible for ME... for finding healing for my own emotional brokenness and taking control of my own habits and tendencies.  For speaking up and being clear when something bothers me rather than being passive aggressive or resentful.  And for keeping the waves outside the ship... setting boundaries that allow me to maintain self-respect and peace and security in my relationships.  So I'm excited to dive into that more and make progress there! ❤

In lighter news, here's my song of the week since it's been stuck in my head all day:

Penn's crazy dancing here makes me happy every time!  I love the Holderness family -- their parody videos are always fun, and their podcast has become one of my favorites. =)

Photo Friday

Before there was Shutterfly and Snapfish and Picaboo... there was real-life scrapbooking! =)  Mom and I spent hours and hours together at the dining table with our boxes of glue sticks, tons of fun-shaped scissors, tape runner, shape cutters, heart and star-shaped punches, corner snippers, and mass amounts of colorful paper for every event!  Chatting and organizing and reminiscing and scrapbooking (we definitely got better as time went on)!  There's a lot to be said for the ease and permanency of digital scrapbooks, but I love the memories of making real scrapbooks, too! ❤

This = the cover of one of my high school scrapbooks, a Mary Engelbreit drawing I traced and then colored in with colored pencils. =)

I scanned several of the scrapbooks into Google Photos a while back, so here are some random pics and events from my Junior and Senior years at CHA... for each photo, we chose the best shape, cut them out by hand, glued them to a paper we chose for backing, cut out around that, then glued it to the page (after laying everything out to make sure it was how we wanted it).  Then I would write a page title or individual photo captions.  Then we'd move to the next page.  We have approximately 15-20 notebooks books filled with pages like these, so be impressed! lol

I'll start with Jenny Womble and I having a slumber party while being the "Big Sis" to Morgan and Tori. =)  I loved our balcony pics in PJs and then being dressed up. =)

Mavs games with Julie Methvin (she was Rach's "Big Sis" when Rach was in 7th grade, and her sister, Jennifer, was married to Eduardo Najera of the Mavs)... so we got to go backstage when they played the Spurs and meet Tim Duncan and David Robinson and Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash and such.  It all would've meant a lot more to a true sports fan, but I did have fun! lol  Had Shark Tank been a thing then, I'd have been much more psyched about seeing Mark Cuban!!

Junior year JSB (Junior Senior Banquet, CHA's dance-free prom equivalent) - we took lots of pics at Mom and Dad's before.  Here's 2 of the 12 pages from that event. lol

I liked that my hair was more down than up, and I loved my dress.  It looks white, but it was a pretty soft pink with beading all over the top and a flowy skirt, and we got it from Cane (future Project Runway designer) at Southern Charm.  We had to get straps added to fit CHA's strict dresscode, of course.  I went with Kris Munn, our friend Kara's cousin.  We literally met earlier that day and haven't seen each other since, but he was nice, and it was fun and wasn't awkward! #winning  (Girls outnumber the guys in most every grade at CHA.  Three out of the four girls going in the limo together with us came with guys that were not in our class, so we were all getting to know everyone and that made it feel easier for my introvert self.)  I'm laughing that we got a pic of each couple standing out of the sunroof of the limo (bottom left), and I'm sad that we cropped our only copy of our pics back then so small and we had no way to zoom, edit, remove red-eye, and lighten shadows back then!  We did a great job with what we had to work with!

Hey, what better time for a friendly game of pool!? lol  The "posed candids" have been a longstanding Muecke tradition!

Jennifer Diane Womble's birthday fun - I won the costume contest, but Jenny deserved it with those boots!  That hippie costume is still in my closet and has served me well for many years. lol

Lots of random fun events with friends, 90% of which is me hanging out with Rach's friends and other younger friends!  So many good memories of making posters and cheering for CHA, playing Catchphrase with super-competitive and hilarious guys, and fun dinners with friends! =)

Fun snow day sister pics (in four different clothing options) at 9121. lol I was especially proud of this page... so please note the combo of glued-on snowflake-punchouts and hand drawn snowflakes at the top, plus my snow-covered letters and the Let it snow x3, plus the triangles with alternating backing forming a hexagon with a snowflake at the center, plus the heart-punches at the bottom corners that we perfectly centered around the cute snowmen! lol  So much work for what it was, but we had fun making it, so whatever!

And here's one with our former Sheltie dog, Kelsey Chelsey Muecke! lol

I may throw these scrapbook pages in here and there just because it's fun to reminisce and because we worked hard on them! =)  Happy Friday, and I hope you have a lovely Labor Day weekend!! ❤

Hostessing

And now, a quick throwback post...

The week before the funeral, we hosted a Bridal Shower for Hilary (she and my cousin, Al, are getting married this weekend in Brownsville, Texas).  Kristin was technically the hostess, but it was at Mom's house, and Charlene and I helped out a lot too.  Here's Mom tying bows on her front doors. =)

We had a fruit cup assembly line of sorts, and I used straws to pit the cherries, which was harder than I expected (next time, we'll skip those or buy a cherry pitter tool).

Anyway, they turned out cute, especially when we added the tiny forks Mom found at the Dollar Store. =)

The "Here Comes the Bride" banner that T&C carried at Rachael's wedding!

Overall kitchen setup.  Fun pictures + mirror and candle + Hershey kisses, cheese cubes and crackers, cashews, fruit cups, 3 kinds of M&Ms, McAlister's strawberry lemonade, and water!

While posing for a group pic, Kristin accidentally turned on the stove. lol

Take #2. =)  Hilary with the unofficial shower hostesses (Missy, Charlene, Kristin, Me, and Mom).

The cake table!

One of the cuter babies I've seen in a while named Scotland. =)  A lil' redhead who found everything delightfully funny and had such a cute laugh... here, she was excited about putting on the glittery ribbon from one of my presents Mom had wrapped.

Charlene cutting the cake and doing a lovely job. Hilary's a chocolate fan too, so it was all chocolate! #winning

Tuurrible lighting, but this is one of the first magnolia flowers at Mom and Dad's house... 

Earlier that day, I got an email from Shutterfly that I painted the magnolias at my house 12 years ago that day!  Craziness.  (Grandad cut the wood to fit across my bathtub so I could reach everything I wanted to paint). ❤

Also, note to self: you look good in the above pic! lol  My goals on health and weight have shifted, but I definitely want to develop a daily routine that works to my benefit there!  For starters, I could spend a bit more time exercising and a bit less time with the hotness that is Neal Caffrey.  ;-)  Or I could combine the two and watch Hulu on my phone while working out at Planet Fitness! lol  #goals #whitecollar #sogood

Swallowed up in Victory

Hey, friends!  Thank you to everyone who has reached out with kind words and prayers lately.  It means a lot and is greatly appreciated!  Here's a pic of my rose from Grandad's funeral. ❤

The past five months were rough, especially on Grandad, and I think we all feel relieved to be able to remember the good parts of his life now (there were so many good memories and great years with him) rather than visiting him and knowing he felt trapped and miserable in the state he had been in since the stroke.  ...While he was still at Bradford Village a couple months after the stroke, Rach asked how he was doing, and he said very seriously, "I'll never be the same."  He had tried and worked SO hard in the physical therapy to improve and get better, and we all cheered him on in that, but his left side never made much progress in spite of his best efforts.  Without a miracle, he was not going to get better here, and that must have felt so defeating and powerless.  We know he was mourning the quality of life he had before.  He did not want to be weak or be a burden to others (so much so that he hurt himself trying to do things on his own a couple times.)  He never had a victim mentality, and he preferred not to be the center of attention... he certainly did not want to be remembered as an invalid in need of constant attention and care.  It was a sort of living death for him, and as I said before, he was ready to go.  So more than feeling sadness about his death, I think most of us feel very grateful that the season of struggle and suffering after his stroke did not last any longer.  And that when we look back on his 90-year life on earth, our memories of the last five months will fade and soften in the light of all the great memories!

It obviously could have gone either way, and I am thankful God allowed him to die at his home where he really wanted to be, with people who loved him praying over him ...rather than in a lonely hospital room by himself.  We thought it might happen this month, but no one ever knows.  I told Mom I'm also grateful it did not happen on Kyndal's birthday because that might've messed with her in ways no one would wish on a child.  I'm glad we got to celebrate Grandad's 90th birthday together... Babah asked if he was up for it, and he wanted to have that party!  Babah and JoBug both felt like he was excited for that and did his best to stay strong for it, then his strength faded rapidly after it was over.  He was so emotional about some of the people who traveled to be there, and it took a lot out of him... his lungs were no longer as strong, and he had trouble speaking up loud enough to be heard the last time I saw him (it was Sunday, August 11th, between church and going to lunch -- me, Mom, Dad, Babah, Grandad and JB were over there, and he had requested hamburger pizza from Papa Johns but didn't wanna eat much when it arrived.  I watched Mom take care of him and tell him about the picture collage from his 90th birthday, which made him emotional, and I basically just said "Hey, Grandad" and "Bye, Grandad - I love you!" and tried to communicate love with my eyes and patting his leg because it all felt awkward and he was not doing super well).  He knew either way, but I'm very glad "I love you" was the last thing I said to him. ❤  We say that or "I'll be lovin' you" pretty regularly in our fam, and I think it's a really good and healthy thing to say it out loud on a regular basis!!  I'm so glad that we celebrated him well and wrote long cards and let him know how much we loved him while he was alive!

Anyway, JoBug stayed at their house to help Babah out the night before he died.  She said she sat with him for a bit and told him, "We'll take care of Babah, so you don't have to worry about her.  It's okay to let go."  And he died within 24 hours.  ...I do believe both of them have felt motivated by their love and concern for the other one to stay strong throughout the last several years, and in that way, I can see how marriage would help you live longer.  I'm thankful for their strong marriage (and that I was born on their 30th anniversary on 2-17-84).

One more random thing I remembered today is that the first text message Grandad ever sent was to me on my 29th Birthday. ❤  That was a rough birthday for me, and I remember that moment being a bright spot.  Yesterday marked six years since the agonizing loss of my closest friendship.  And July 27th (Grandad's 90th birthday) marked the day when we had spent more time knowing about each other and not being friends than we spent as friends (something I put in my phone a while back and got a reminder on, a mini-victory in my mind).  Facing the death of a loved one who loved you well is difficult, but it takes a different sort of toll on your soul to lose someone you love because they strongly prefer life without you.  But there is victory and redemption in Christ, and that can simply be a painful memory that has no power to define my future... the way those dates have overlapped with all that's going on with Grandad reminds me that I have a choice moving forward.  I want to be remembered as someone who celebrates life and cultivates healthy relationships with good boundaries rather than letting past pain cause me to hide or keep my distance from people.  It's worth it in the end to choose life and not let past abuse stop you from loving yourself and God and others.  And I needed that reminder to put my whole heart into it and make my life going forward the best that it can be!

So I'm thankful for Grandad's life example and for what I'm learning here.

I am also very grateful that because of the work of Christ, we do not grieve as those who have no hope.  So in closing, I'm finding a lot of encouragement in these promises, and I hope you will too:

"And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. Then God gives it the new body He wants it to have... Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever.  Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength... What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever... For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.  Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:  

'Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?'

... So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."

~I Corinthians 15:37-58 ❤

Thoughts on this Week...

This third post will be longer and more stream-of-consciousness writing about the events of the past week:

I'm thankful that I was already off work on Wednesday because Judge had court in Okemah.  Babah texted us at 10:07 AM saying that Grandad was unresponsive and not doing well.  She said the nurse had just come and gone and told them it could be anywhere from 2 hours to one week... Mom and I talked on the phone about that, then Mom called me again at 11:51 to tell me, "Grandaddy died." (She was doing okay till she said it out loud.  That's always hard - that and watching other people hurting/grieving.)  I asked her if it was okay to post that, then I gathered some of my favorite photos and made a Facebook post.  Then I quickly got ready and headed to Babah and Grandad's house in Edmond.  By the time I got there, they had already taken his body away.  I think I'm glad I missed that part. Mom and JoBug and Babah had already cried together, so the mood when I arrived was unexpectedly calm, and everyone was already in funeral-planning mode.  Grandad's empty hospital bed was sitting in the middle of their living room, and their wall was filled with sweet colorbook pictures from Kyndal Faith and great photo collages Mom had made for him.

I hugged Babah and told her I loved her a lot.  It was me, Mom, Babah, JoBug, Randi Kaye (a kind family friend who's been helping take care of him since he came home from the hospital), and Virginia (Babah's best friend) there.  At one point, JoBug said, "Hey, what about the obituary!?" and it was just quiet for a minute. I said, "I'll write it, unless one of you would like to do it!"  They all seemed to have no interest, so that was my first assignment, and something I felt very honored to do.  (I think it was God's timing for me to watch The Last Word recently to help prepare me here. ❤)  Babah picked out the clothes for Grandad to be buried in and asked me to take them to our house (the funeral was in Midwest City, and Babah stayed with Mom and Dad from Wednesday through today).  They talked about funeral details (and the crazy expense of all of that) while I quietly looked through old pictures and scrapbooks... some real gems that I hadn't seen in a while, including this little book I made for him in 6th grade, so apparently I've been writing "tributes" for 23 years. ;-)

Me (dressed up as Snow White), with Rach and Blake eating Grandad's chocolate chip cookie dough and not caring enough to smile for the camera. lol

❤

Random detail, but the 21st was "mismatch day" at Deer Creek on Wednesday, so JoBug came straight from school and had on two different shoes and a striped shirt with paisley shorts.

His favorite belt buckle from a 1976 horse show, and the shirt and jeans Babah chose for him to wear.  That's something I'd never thought much about before, but the idea of choosing the clothes for someone to be buried in was sobering to me.

An old-school pic of Mom and JB in their college years.

Old-school pic of the grandkids at Christmas. =)

I was very focused on how Mom was doing when she called to tell me this news.  And I didn't cry then or while I was collecting the pictures and writing my post.  But I checked FB at a stoplight on my drive and saw Emily's post... and her words immediately made me tear up.  (She is eight years younger, so when Grandad babysat me, Rach, and Blake, we were all close in age and had each other to play with... but when he babysat Emily, we were all in school, and it was the just the two of them together most of the time.)

I brought the clothes to Mom and Dad's.  The Parrishes came by for a bit - Rachael told the kids, but they didn't really grasp the gravity of it.  They were playing and being loud, and Babah was in a quiet daze looking frail and exhausted, so Rach took the kids on home.  It was much quieter then, and Babah and I talked for a bit.  She told me that a chaplain came by to pray with them after the nurse left that morning.  JoBug was there but had stepped outside to take a phone call.  Babah and Randi Kaye were holding Grandad's hands on either side, and he died and moved on to Heaven during the chaplain's prayer.  That feels like a sacred moment and a God-thing to me.

...I went back to Tulsa and spent several hours that night reading through the Grandad interview I did for a college class in 2012 and writing his Obituary. Thursday morning was ca-razy in court, but we had the afternoon pretty free, and Judge gave me Friday off.  Mom and I worked together on submitting the long and short version of his obituary, choosing the best photo and verse for the funeral program, planning the pre-funeral lunch and the post-funeral gathering at Mom and Dad's, cleaning and getting her house crowd-ready, and choosing pictures (max of 60) and songs (3) for his funeral slideshow.  Between Wednesday and Thursday, we called each other 30 times.  I talked to Rach a lot too, and we all texted back and forth about ideas for the chalkboard she was making as a surprise for Babah (who loved it and teared up over it and showed everyone at the funeral lunch).  Dad stepped up, of course, and helped clean and take care of Babah and get all the food (sooo much food), drinks, etc.

Babah and Grandad pre-planned and prepaid for a lot of their funerals several years back, and still, there were sooo many details to think through and so much involved in the planning and preparing.  It's a lot to do, and I had heard that before, but it was more than I expected.  A thousand small decisions, but you want to honor the person and do everything right and not rush through it.  I think we will be able to feel the loss and emotions more this coming week because we were all pretty exhausted and ready to crash by the time everyone left around 6:30 yesterday.  (I drove back home to be able to sleep in my own bed and sleep in today.)

Anyway, when I drove back to Mom and Dad's on Friday morning, I stopped and went to "the viewing" by myself.  I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do that or not, but decided it would probably be good, and I'm so glad I went.  I am slow to process big things, and it was painful but cathartic and healing to see his body - it made it feel more real and final to me somehow.  And that was the first and only time so far that I have really cried much and felt free to do so (because my emotions wouldn't be affecting anyone else and I wasn't worried about how everyone else was doing).  I looked at the cards on all the flower arrangements that had been sent, and I felt thankful to see Grandad dressed up in his classic cowboy shirt and belt buckle rather than the T-shirts he'd been wearing since the stroke in March.

This pretty flower arrangement and his favorite cowboy hat were on top of the casket.  I did find comfort and feel loved in seeing all the flowers that were there.  And in the texts and messages and posts from several friends.  I was surprised and grateful to see Charlene, Georgia, and Alan's names (aunts and uncle on Dad's side) on the list of people who had already been there before me.

Friday night, Dad got Cane's chicken for us.  Babah went to bed early.  Dad and I took the drinks and plates and such up to the funeral home so that he would have less to bring over there in the morning.  Jace searched in vain for his backyard frog, Tobert.  I read the 36-page booklet of handwritten stories about his life by Grandad. ❤ And Mom and I had a nice, long chat while she painted her fingernails about some of her childhood memories. ❤

I slept terribly that night, and then there was Saturday.  Mrs. Garner from CHA brought a chocolate sheet cake over for our family that morning (yum).  We met at the Barnes and Friederich Funeral Home at 11:00 AM for lunch (Dad brought in Ted's and Chick-Fil-A), and Virginia made and brought several desserts.  There were lots of friends and family there, and we ate and chatted around for a couple hours.  Rach finished working on the chalkboard that morning, then they came around 12:30, and everyone loved it!  We started cleaning up after 1:00, and that took a while, then we went to the lobby area where people were starting to arrive and did lots more talking with people.  Audie, Bill, Gene, and David (mom's cousins) were all there.  Gus and Marilyn came in from Texas, Marilyn Hodgen (mom's and my CR friend) came, Kristin and Al and Hilary, all of Dad's fantasy football crew (of course), and so many others.  While my introvert self is usually not a fan of large crowds, I was very happy about this crowd and grateful for every person who came that day!

I already wrote about the service.  It was well-done and honoring to Grandad.  Babah cried pretty hard during the Somewhere My Love song.  JB, Rach, and Emily all cried quite a bit, especially at the end.  I sat between Mom and the Miss K (who requested to sit by me), and I did not cry during the service (I wasn't sure how that would go, but I was a bit on edge because over 75% of Pastor Bob's speech was reading things I had written between the obituary, the condensed memories list, and the tribute.  Mom gave all of that to him, but definitely didn't intend for him to read it ALL.)

The pallbearers were Bill and Audie DeBusk, Gene Fenton, Chad Wilkinson (David's son), Josh Huffman (Randi Kaye's husband), and Jim Clark (Grandad's coworker at Napa).  And there's our faithful family friends, Bill and Jill and Rick and Connie, walking behind them. ❤

The graveside part was very brief.  Bob said a prayer and shook everyone's hands.  It rained very gently during his prayer, and then it rained hard after we left... but it stopped for a brief period in between when we took these pictures!  JoBug said that was because God loves Grandad. lol  She took roses out of the top arrangement and gave them to several of the girls... so here's a pic of Kenneth's Granddaughters and Great-granddaughter! ❤  Also, it feels a bit wrong and strange to smile in these moments, but I'm glad we have a few pictures from this day.

Cousins pic:  JoBug, Audie, Gene, David, Bill, and Mom ❤

Dad was helping Mom walk back to their car, and I made them stop for a pic because they looked so nice arm in arm. ❤

We went back to the funeral home to get ALLLL the plants and flowers, as well as alllll the leftover food from lunch!  A mass crowd of people came over to Mom and Dad's house afterward (Mom's cousins, Dad's fam, the fantasy football crew, etc.).  Most of them got a plate and talked for a minute, then left within 30-45 minutes.  I felt like I could breathe more when the crowd thinned down a little.  The kids swam while we all stayed inside and talked and snacked.

A few of the plants and flowers (there were more around the corner).

Mom chatting with Bill and Audie as they watched the kids swimming for a minute.

Babah looking through all the Guest Book signatures. ❤

Jaceman giving his rose some sunlight. =)

A random meme from Up that made me tear up when I saw it on someone else's FB page.

A comforting verse. ❤

I have always loved this quote.  We are fortunate to have relationships that make it hard to say goodbye.  I am 35 years old, and this is the first close and beloved family member I have lost to death.  I'm thankful for that reality.  I'm thankful he got to celebrate his 90th birthday with us, and I'm thankful that we had the past five months to prepare ourselves and to know that this transition was a welcome relief for him.  We were blessed to know him, and we will miss him, but there's a sweetness to it because we all feel confident that it was his time to go, and he was very ready to move on to heaven!

I think the best way for me to honor him now is to live "till I die."  To put my heart into it and make the most of my time here.  The thing we love most about him would be very different for different people, but I think trying to emulate whatever you love most is a great idea, so I will end my Grandad-related posts with this encouragement. ❤