Engagement

I love this.

I know most people tend to skim through or speed read my posts for what applies to them and that blogging is not the best platform for me to really feel "heard" and "seen."  I still think there's a lot of benefit in writing to help myself process through things and keep a record of my life story somewhere.  So when I write posts without pictures and quotes, I have low readership expectations but high hopes for personal growth.

I bought a new book this week called Boundaries With Kids.  I bought it to help prepare me for being a parent.  I'm not even halfway through and it is already SO GOOD.  I am currently on the chapter about "the law of sowing and reaping," and I'm realizing I haven't trusted that law the way I should.

I often choose to disengage or choose not to try in life because I don't believe it will be worth it.  I have seen people who make cautious and healthy food choices and exercise regularly receive a terrible medical diagnosis and/or die in a slow and painful manner.  I've seen people who blow off school and drop out of college have massive success while people who strive to better themselves are rejected without cause.  I have watched unhealthy people who make selfish decisions without regard for how their choices affect others float through life while being bailed out of the consequences for their behavior time and time again.  I have seen people who care deeply for others and put their hearts into relationships experience far more rejection, pain, and abandonment than people who keep a comfortable distance and never get too close.  (The level of heartbreak in relational loss always mirrors a person's level of commitment to the relationship, so choosing not to engage in close relationships can seem like the most logical option.)  I'm naturally observant, and I've seen lots of wicked people prospering and even leading while everyone overlooks their character flaws, and I've seen good people struggling and being overlooked and undervalued... and sometimes depression and disengagement are the most natural response in my mind.  Kind of a why bother? mentality.

The main vice of my Enneagram Nine personality style is "sloth," and by that, they mean choosing to slink back and disengage and do what feels most comfortable.  We feel angry about all I mentioned above but we don't want to create conflict, so we choose not to be affected by the outside world as much as possible. #moviesanyone?  Therefore, the key virtue for Type Nines to strive for is "Engagement."  Choosing to step up and not let my own fear, laziness, or inner resentment at all the unfair things I keep seeing stop me from living my own life and making better choices and reaching for what I want.

I think I forget sometimes that the law of sowing and reaping is Biblical.  God says, "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows." (Galatians 6:7)  That changes my perspective entirely to remember that we serve a just God who will judge everyone, the Ancient of Days.  He is able to reward or punish all people in eternity based on what their individual deeds deserve.  So it does matter, and someone is paying attention.  God sees us and He cares, and He is a rewarder of those who sincerely seek Him.

I don't want to be like the man in the parable who hides his talents rather than investing them because he believes the master is unfair and harsh.  I want to engage and invest my life and make healthy choices and trust God with the results.  Even if I do all the work to lose weight and then end up receiving some terrible medical diagnosis, I can still choose my perspective.  It's worth fighting for what is right, even if the payoff doesn't happen here on earth.  I've been trying to convince myself on some of this for years, and this book is helping a lot.  I want to be a person with healthy boundaries and a healthy worldview that acknowledges God's sovereignty AND trusts His goodness.  

I ordered the Boundaries Workbook yesterday and I'm excited about that!  There are so many areas where I'm already aware that I need to set better boundaries, and the book will probably bring more of them to light.  I want to make healthier food choices while maintaining a positive view of my value.  For whatever reason, I don't feel the sense of shame and self-hatred so many overweight people seem to struggle with.  My struggle has never been about putting on a swimsuit in public, but I have struggled with resilient apathy about trying to get healthier, and I want very much to overcome that.  And in the meantime, I want to teach others to treat me with more value and respect.  I've had several overweight friends make negative, cutting comments about themselves where they throw me under the bus with them (trying to connect, perhaps, but it always makes me cringe).  It's a weird form of bullying and trying to pull me down to their level of thinking and it's never been okay with me, and I need to start politely speaking up about that (and a few other things that have become lingering resentments).  

Anyway, lots of jumbled thoughts today, but I'm thankful for the practical lessons in the Boundaries books and I'm excited to work on that in my own life.  I think it will go together well with my desire to be more engaged in life and my desire to adopt eventually! ❤