Hey, friends! Thank you to everyone who has reached out with kind words and prayers lately. It means a lot and is greatly appreciated! Here's a pic of my rose from Grandad's funeral. ❤
The past five months were rough, especially on Grandad, and I think we all feel relieved to be able to remember the good parts of his life now (there were so many good memories and great years with him) rather than visiting him and knowing he felt trapped and miserable in the state he had been in since the stroke. ...While he was still at Bradford Village a couple months after the stroke, Rach asked how he was doing, and he said very seriously, "I'll never be the same." He had tried and worked SO hard in the physical therapy to improve and get better, and we all cheered him on in that, but his left side never made much progress in spite of his best efforts. Without a miracle, he was not going to get better here, and that must have felt so defeating and powerless. We know he was mourning the quality of life he had before. He did not want to be weak or be a burden to others (so much so that he hurt himself trying to do things on his own a couple times.) He never had a victim mentality, and he preferred not to be the center of attention... he certainly did not want to be remembered as an invalid in need of constant attention and care. It was a sort of living death for him, and as I said before, he was ready to go. So more than feeling sadness about his death, I think most of us feel very grateful that the season of struggle and suffering after his stroke did not last any longer. And that when we look back on his 90-year life on earth, our memories of the last five months will fade and soften in the light of all the great memories!
It obviously could have gone either way, and I am thankful God allowed him to die at his home where he really wanted to be, with people who loved him praying over him ...rather than in a lonely hospital room by himself. We thought it might happen this month, but no one ever knows. I told Mom I'm also grateful it did not happen on Kyndal's birthday because that might've messed with her in ways no one would wish on a child. I'm glad we got to celebrate Grandad's 90th birthday together... Babah asked if he was up for it, and he wanted to have that party! Babah and JoBug both felt like he was excited for that and did his best to stay strong for it, then his strength faded rapidly after it was over. He was so emotional about some of the people who traveled to be there, and it took a lot out of him... his lungs were no longer as strong, and he had trouble speaking up loud enough to be heard the last time I saw him (it was Sunday, August 11th, between church and going to lunch -- me, Mom, Dad, Babah, Grandad and JB were over there, and he had requested hamburger pizza from Papa Johns but didn't wanna eat much when it arrived. I watched Mom take care of him and tell him about the picture collage from his 90th birthday, which made him emotional, and I basically just said "Hey, Grandad" and "Bye, Grandad - I love you!" and tried to communicate love with my eyes and patting his leg because it all felt awkward and he was not doing super well). He knew either way, but I'm very glad "I love you" was the last thing I said to him. ❤ We say that or "I'll be lovin' you" pretty regularly in our fam, and I think it's a really good and healthy thing to say it out loud on a regular basis!! I'm so glad that we celebrated him well and wrote long cards and let him know how much we loved him while he was alive!
Anyway, JoBug stayed at their house to help Babah out the night before he died. She said she sat with him for a bit and told him, "We'll take care of Babah, so you don't have to worry about her. It's okay to let go." And he died within 24 hours. ...I do believe both of them have felt motivated by their love and concern for the other one to stay strong throughout the last several years, and in that way, I can see how marriage would help you live longer. I'm thankful for their strong marriage (and that I was born on their 30th anniversary on 2-17-84).
One more random thing I remembered today is that the first text message Grandad ever sent was to me on my 29th Birthday. ❤ That was a rough birthday for me, and I remember that moment being a bright spot. Yesterday marked six years since the agonizing loss of my closest friendship. And July 27th (Grandad's 90th birthday) marked the day when we had spent more time knowing about each other and not being friends than we spent as friends (something I put in my phone a while back and got a reminder on, a mini-victory in my mind). Facing the death of a loved one who loved you well is difficult, but it takes a different sort of toll on your soul to lose someone you love because they strongly prefer life without you. But there is victory and redemption in Christ, and that can simply be a painful memory that has no power to define my future... the way those dates have overlapped with all that's going on with Grandad reminds me that I have a choice moving forward. I want to be remembered as someone who celebrates life and cultivates healthy relationships with good boundaries rather than letting past pain cause me to hide or keep my distance from people. It's worth it in the end to choose life and not let past abuse stop you from loving yourself and God and others. And I needed that reminder to put my whole heart into it and make my life going forward the best that it can be!
So I'm thankful for Grandad's life example and for what I'm learning here.
"And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. Then God gives it the new body He wants it to have... Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength... What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever... For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies. Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
'Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?'
... So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."
~I Corinthians 15:37-58 ❤
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