Difficult Losses (Decade in Review)

"There are moments that the words don't reach.

There is suffering too terrible to name...

The moments when you're in so deep

It feels easier to just swim down.

The Hamiltons move uptown,

And learn to live with the unimaginable."

~It's Quiet Uptown, (Hamilton)

I so love the way that song depicts grief (and having no choice but to keep moving forward in the midst of it).  Our losses are deeply personal and no one can fully understand another's experiences or emotions, nor should we compare pain or seek to minimize someone else's suffering because it differs from ours, or vice versa.  Your pain is valid and it matters to God, and so does mine. ❤  And our suffering (when we are in Christ) is never without purpose.

I'm now halfway through my "Decade in Review" posts, and the remaining five posts will be more joyful and lighthearted (and probably shorter).  But today, I am thinking through some of the painful losses I've experienced over the past decade, listed in random order... 

10.  March 5, 2019.  Grandad's stroke this summer, followed by the gradual decline of his physical strength and joy and will to live.  Ambiguous losses like this are often more painful and emotionally complicated than losses that leave you with a clearly defined sense of closure. That season only lasted five months, but it was sad and terrible to witness, and we felt powerless to change the situation.  It softened the blow of his death tremendously because we all knew he was ready to go, and it caused me to question things and broadened my perspective and increased my compassion for others in similar circumstances.

9.  September 21, 2014.  (I had to look that date up... when I sent the lengthy email to Battlecreek about the corrupt prayer ministry they endorse).  What happened there and especially the way the church responded to it (or completely failed to respond or acknowledge my existence) drastically lowered my respect for those leaders and shifted my mindset as I look at other churches (and their treatment of men vs. women, people with lots of $$ and power vs. people with lots of love for Jesus, etc.)  So this one is more vague, but I definitely lost something in that season... the deep sense of trust and the feeling of peace and safety and camaraderie I once felt whenever I stepped into church circles is gone, and I have yet to recover it.  I am more aware of legitimate problems within the church than ever before, and I'm really not sure how to deal with that, particularly when female voices are often undervalued.  My guard is up and my crazy-Christian radar is always on (and staying busy), and I hope that continues to soften a bit as time moves forward.  I grew up feeling like the church was a wonderful safe-haven and refuge where my soul was always at peace, but I guess it's healthier to look to God for all of that anyway!

8.  January 4, 2013.  The day we learned the Diving Deeper South Lifegroup was ending.  I helped get that group going in 2008, so it really meant a lot to me, and I felt it when it ended.  As I put it back then:  "I learned that the singles Lifegroup I've been a part of for years is now disbanding - something I'd been expecting with the growing number of couples, but the transition period is still a bit sad.  It's hard that I will no longer see my close Christian friends every week, hard to be one of the few remaining singles for the second time, and hard knowing I have to find a new group and begin again."

7.  March 1, 2013.  The tragic and heartbreaking loss of baby Anthony.  He was a fighter through his brief time on earth, and he was and still is deeply loved!

6.  April 29, 2013.  That was the day I met with a psychiatrist and was assigned to a therapist and began taking antidepressants... which meant the loss of my self-sufficient pride and my twisted spiritual guilt about seeking any help outside of prayer!  (A really healthy loss, obviously, but it took some internal wrestling and it was difficult for me.)

5.  October 16, 2016.  Mark Richards passed away after battling cancer.  He was one of a kind... such a fun person and a great friend to our family through the CHA years, and I miss him!  (*A random and possibly inappropriate story, but I remember the day Rach texted me with that news I was at a Harry Potter movie marathon at Cinemark.  In between the 6th and 7th movie, I started crying thinking about Mark and went to the bathroom to fix my makeup.  A random woman who was also in the HP movies saw me crying and said, "Dumbledore!?  That funeral scene always gets me, too!!" I didn't have the heart to explain the real story to her, but it did help lighten the moment.)

4.  August 21, 2019.  Grandad -- losing the strong, loving, gentle patriarch of Mom's side of the family is something we've just begun to really feel and process.  I'm so thankful for the relationship I had with him and that he knew he was loved and nothing was left unsaid, but we will definitely feel his absence this Christmas Eve.

3.  July 17, 2017.  The world's best and cutest girlfranz, Sam-puffins and a Bellsy, leaving my house to go live with David.  It was in their best interest (and mine with all the allergy issues), but I do miss their fluffity little playful diva selves greeting me and snuggling with me while I watched TV at night!  I'm excited to see them soon and give them their comfy new dog beds. =)

2.  ??.  No specific date to put down since this is another very ambiguous loss, but through the past decade, I've had to gradually let go of (or drastically loosen my grip on) the lovely family dream I envisioned for myself.  The marriage-and-family timeline I once had in mind has come and gone twice now, and in many ways, that was for the best.  I'm not complaining or feeling any sense of desperation, but simply acknowledging that this was never my plan, and sometimes the sense of being un-chosen and missing out on the beauty of starting my own family with a good husband is painful and disheartening.  (God may still have a remix in store that changes things in a way I can't yet imagine, but marriage looks unlikely.  Single motherhood through adoption is a distinct and exciting possibility, but a more challenging path than I would have preferred if given the choice.)

1.  August 26, 2013.  The sudden, deliberate severing of my six-year best friendship is the most painful and confusing loss I have personally endured to date, this decade or any other.  Grieving the loss of someone so close to you who is still alive is one of the most difficult things for any human being -- broken relationships are verrrry hard on our souls.  Sometimes I also miss the part of me that I lost then.  Looking back on the way things ended between us still makes me feel sad, but it no longer makes me doubt my own worth, so I am thankful for that progress!