I've been "weeding through" some things lately, as I mentioned last week. One thing on my list has been the church. I haven't written much about it here, but I have not had an official home church since late 2019. And I definitely don't miss it as much as I wish I did. The whole thing had become endlessly exhausting for me, particularly over the past four years.
For anyone already putting on their smug judgy hat, I don't in any way mean that God or His Word are exhausting to me, only the search for a church home. I have read through the Bible several times, and I've been consistently reading 3 gospel chapters a day in 2021. I regularly pray, journal, meditate, read Christian books, and listen to worship music. I have never stopped tithing and giving to ministries, and I hear a minimum of 3 sermons a week via podcast. Not one of those things has saving power, obviously. But I wanted to be clear from the jump that even though I'm navigating my way through a hard season here, I am not falling away from Scripture or forsaking faith practices or feeling far from God Himself. I love Jesus and I am seeking healing and truth, so back up off me with any judgmental nonsense.
I have not had the heart to jump back into finding a home church after facing one frustration and dismissal and letdown after another. The pandemic gave me a lovely and well-timed break from all of that. At the same time, I know that I don't want to be among the large crowd of people who stopped going to church last year and might never return. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being church-homeless. There are so many things I have LOVED about having a solid church community, so I'm writing this post to remind myself of that and hopefully help me find some renewed strength and energy to press back in and eventually find a new church. I'll start off with what I haven't missed and why it's felt safer to stay home and sleep in on Sundays...
What I Don't Miss:
1. Pity and False Assumptions. Being viewed through a false lens as inferior or lacking by people who barely know me gets old quickly. The main assumption church folks (particularly married or older church people) who don't know me well seem to make about me is that I'm in need of their pity and must feel desperate to find a husband. It's condescending and cringey and honestly infuriating to me. It is more difficult than I would have expected to be single in church — not because my singleness is a hard reality for me — but because of the strong unspoken assumption that the highest purpose of women lies in marriage and motherhood, thus I am missing something vital and should be pitied. I feel as if it would be easier to be a single mom finding a new church than to be a single adult without children trying to fit into a new place... the assumptions would undoubtedly annoy me there too, but if I walked in with a child or children, church people would treat me with more automatic underlying respect and admiration, likely assuming I was a resilient woman making the best of some poor choices or hard losses in the past. Whereas right now, they are quick to assume I have a sad and lonely life and then make belittling jokes about praying in a husband for me, having never taken the time to ask who I really am or whether I have a desire to get married. It's irksome, and it was never coming from God, and I don't miss it at all.
2. Political Hypocrisy. The false but widespread narrative among southern church circles that the "R" has the power to negate and erase all sin without a need for repentance or apology has done a lot of damage. When an unmistakable narcissist brags about sexual assault, jokes about being popular enough to publicly murder someone without losing fans, consistently stokes fear and division, incites violence and throws his own running mate under the bus when he fears losing his grip on power, publicly mocks a disabled person for their disability, empowers white supremacists through his own cowardice, vengefully minimizes and belittles the career of a strong woman for asking him a difficult question in a debate, bullies multiple people on social media including an autistic teenager, claims he has a great relationship with God and never does anything bad so that he doesn't need to ask for forgiveness, seems incapable of winning without extreme gloating or losing without extreme blame-shifting, says the occasional showy prayer to pander to evangelical fans, then turns around and dehumanizes every American who doesn't vote for him as being "human scum," I will 100% leave any church where the pastor tells me it's my Christian duty to endorse and vote for that person. Hard pass. On the off-chance that anyone outside the church reads this post, please know that the starkly hypocritical double standard when it comes to the church's mass condemnation and hard line for the sins of liberals vs. nothing but grace grace grace for the sins of conservatives is NOT COMING FROM CHRIST OR GOD'S WORD. It's exhausting and tragic and absolutely not the heart of God, and I know it has driven many people to question their place in the church or move away from it entirely. Stay close to God, struggling friends, and remember that the church often fails to represent Him well.
3. The Money-over-God Mentality. Jesus is very clear in His teaching that we cannot serve two masters, and He talks about how people will serve either God or money (not God or Satan). I've been surprised and disheartened by how many churches are choosing the wrong master there... caring more about the business side of things and covering their tracks and collecting those tithe checks than they care about accurately teaching God's Word or truly caring for hurting people and abuse victims. (I wrote more about this toxic dynamic in my Family Business post HERE). And I definitely don't miss that.
A few more things...
- I do not miss the vapid hype or the overused self-promoting sermon illustrations.
- I don't miss churches falling in line with John Macarthur's popular arrogance and removing all Beth Moore studies without being able to offer any valid explanation or sound theological reasoning for that decision.
- I don't miss church Bible studies or prayer meetings being "led" by people who should never have been placed in a leadership position, spouting very poor or even cult-ish theology.
- I don't miss feeling awkward and sitting by myself in a crowded church.
- And I don't miss wondering whether the focus has shifted toward entertaining people and growing their own church numbers rather than helping people connect with God and growing the true church.
What I DO Miss:
1. Encouragement and Sincere Community. Being in a close small group filled with others who love God and seek Him together, having a place where I feel seen and heard and valued for who I actually am - I really miss that. I love being deeply connected with other Christians and getting to know their stories and testimonies and what's on their hearts and then sharing my own stuff with them. I love being a part of groups where it feels like the church is actually BEING the church - where we support and encourage each other through trials and we bring meals and serve on mission projects and help with moves and we all pray together and get together regularly for fun and know what's happening in each other's daily lives. Yes, please! I love having Bible study homework and then getting together and talking about that. I love having people who I trust enough to talk with about my questions and struggles, and I love being there for others when they are hurting. I for sure still have some of this with my Christian friends coming from 10 or more different churches, but I especially miss having a specific church home and a group where I'm valued and feel some belonging within that particular church. (The last group I tried was a bit condescending and they kept things surface-level, and it made it very easy to leave without feeling known and without being missed.)
2. Authentic Hard Conversations. Like everyone else, I don't appreciate being told how I'm supposed to feel or who I'm supposed to vote for. It puts me on edge. I don't appreciate the assumption that I'm pro-murdering babies because I refuse to endorse a leader that I believe to be morally corrupt who degrades the value of life in many other ways. But I do appreciate having open discussions with people who ask thoughtful questions and really listen to what I'm saying, and who are emotionally mature enough to engage in that conversation and share their views in a respectful way. I will always listen when people start off with respect rather than condescension, when it's one-on-one rather than ganging up on someone -- and most people will gladly do the same. We are more alike than we are different - that's a good place to start. Love and respect will go a long way in any conversation, especially when discussing politics or race issues with people who have had different life experiences and who see the world and what we need in our leaders very differently than you do. I can't say I've seen a lot of this listening-and-learning approach, but in spite of the tension those subjects can cause, I do love it when it happens, and I guess I miss the idea of it and I deeply wish those conversations were happening in a healthy way more often within the church.
3. The Group Atmosphere of True Worship. I miss being one voice in the midst of a powerful choir of voices in group worship service where God is being exalted and praised... where the crowd is united by a shared love for Jesus, and in that moment, we are collectively putting Him first where He belongs. I feel like I listen well and typically get as much out of the podcast sermons as I would being there in person. But while it's lovely to sing along to worship songs in my car, it's an entirely different experience to be part of a group in true worship, hands raised and eyes closed and heart focused on God. There are moments where it feels transcendent and the sense of connection with God's heart and the crowd around you gives you a small taste of what it will feel like to be in heaven someday. I absolutely miss that!
On a smaller scale...
- I miss the genuine group excitement over God moving through an anointed sermon from a well-prepared pastor.
- I miss going through Beth's studies with other women and growing with God through them.
- I miss Bible studies being led by grounded people who have studied and deeply connected with God and have great insight to share.
- I miss seeing welcoming friends and knowing I have a place to sit with them.
- And I miss the times when the church was so clearly getting it right and doing their best to love God and help others.
In closing, the "Bapticostal" faith description I wrote about HERE also plays into my difficulty in knowing where to even start looking for a new church. I don’t miss several things that are likely to show up right off the bat... and I do miss several things that take years to build, so that’s unhelpful. But I really do miss the most meaningful and God-honoring parts of having a solid church community, and I hope and pray to find a healthy church home again someday soon. ❤
