In Every Detail

Brace up for a long stream-of-consciousness post here... or skip to the summary in green at the bottom. =)  This pic was exactly two years ago today in the theater parking lot after seeing Downton Abbey: A New Era.  It was one month after moving to Moore, when I was still wondering which friendships would stand strong and which friendships might gradually fade.  (I nearly titled this post "A New Era," but God delighting in every detail trumped that thought.)

Outside of Jesus, there is no friendship in my past or present that means more to me than this one.  I am grateful for well over a decade of friendship and good memories with Chet Lee and Karli Marie.  I adore Tate and Parker, and I'm so blessed by being a regular part of their lives.  It matters deeply to me as a single woman, and I am grateful for the way the Wilson fam and their extended families have accepted, invited, included, respected, and loved me!  That's really not the main focus of this post... but I would be remiss not to acknowledge that what made everrrrrrything I'm about to say possible and powerful is the solid foundation of friendship and trust that was already in play.

Psalm 37:23 assures us that God directs our steps and delights in every detail.  It's one of my favorite verses and one of my favorite thoughts!  For me, this night was good evidence for that.  Lots of this will only matter to me, but I am writing it down for future reference for myself - you forget minor details over time.

Chet mentioned on Friday that he and Karli were having dinner with Gary and Kathleen and seeing the Tina Turner musical - random but fun, I thought.  So when I got bored during the court reporting seminar, I texted to ask how the musical was, and he responded "It was SO GOOD!"  A quick Google search informed me that it already had a run in OKC before coming to Tulsa, and the last day of the Tulsa performance was on Sunday.  (Also searched PAC tickets, and there were a few seats available for the 8pm performance that night.)  When my seminar ended around 4, I called Chet to ask if it would be worth staying and going that night... he knew I had this week off from work, and I knew that I'm on a 30-day commitment of no TV at home, so being up late for something fun seemed like a pretty good call.  I called Sarah to see if she could join me for the musical, but she was preparing for grad school and could not (her DNAP program started on Monday - YAY for pursuing positive changes!)  Anyway, I figured I would grab Tacos-4-Life and take a quick walk, then go get my tickets.  *I'd decided the day before to give the Wilsons a break, as they're my go-to friends and we've basically hung out six weekends in a row, and I figured they might enjoy a rest night after the late Friday then Tate's morning game and their neighborhood garage sale!  However, Karli was surprised that I hadn't asked about dinner, and she mentioned Los Cabos, so Chet texted back to ask about that... which is always gonna be a real quick yes for me.  We invited the Mosses and Shoemakers and Fultons, but no one else was available on such short notice.  So we met there around 5:30, and on our way in, EMSA was out front and there were paramedics loading a woman onto a stretcher - (I don't know the story there at all and I sincerely hope all is well now), but seeing her family following her out to the ambulance made me think about the brevity of life and the value of physical health.

Important side note:  On Friday, May 3rd, I started the "Launch" program with Mel Robbins, a $1000, six-month coaching program with daily empowering videos and personal reflection homework and feedback from an inspiring community of people working to build a better life.  I am 20 days in, and I'd confidently say it's worth every penny.  You pick three different projects (personal or professional) for a "30-day Project Sprint," and my first one included more quiet time with Jesus, which also factors into ALL of this pretty heavily for me.

Okay, so I'm enjoying my favorite Mexican food at dinner with the Wilsons - we talked about Tate's last baseball game, they thanked me for a card I'd mailed them earlier that week, and we talked briefly about God's sovereignty and kindness... then Chet asked if I'm trying online dating lately.  I joked that I thought it would be poor form to start a new relationship by announcing that I'm pregnant. lol  We talked about how the embryo adoption timeline being in limbo makes me feel like everything else is somewhat in limbo, but how I really would love to be married and how all of that (dating and engagement) could move fairly quickly when I find the right person.  His response was clarifying for me and extraordinarily affirming and meaningful, and it made me feel more hopeful about the possibility of marriage in my future, (while knowing I'm also loved and supported if it doesn't happen) - the internal hope of marriage has definitely been there, but having someone I trust validate it as not being crazy or too late was helpful.  Since then, I have joined two online dating sites and been more open to actively pursuing that path... which I will continue over the next few months as the adoption timeline is extended for health reasons.

Los Cabos is my favorite restaurant, and the fact that they suggested it and bought my dinner was a fun surprise - the cherry on top of lots of other wonderful things I'll remember from that day.  

Afterwards, we walked around outside for a few minutes while their kids played and ran around.  I can't remember the topic that led us into it, but Chet mentioned that they'd had a conversation the day before with someone whose sister had the gastric sleeve surgery, and she was having really great results.  They said they also know a woman at FBC who's having great success with that and sharing about it openly.  He said he feels like he's had a mistaken, overly judgmental mindset about that just being a quick fix, but he's learning that it can be a really helpful tool when people go into it with a healthy mindset and understand that they still have to put in consistent effort for lasting results.  (We had talked about this one other time when I was considering the surgery seven years ago... at the time, I was in a shame-based mindset about my body and definitely would have felt deep regret and shame if I'd gone through with the surgery, however successful the outside might've looked - being ready and at peace with God matters.)  He emphasized that there was zero pressure from them and that he hoped he was not overstepping in even mentioning it, and I assured him he's on the very short list of people I would invite to speak into that area of my life, and that I ALWAYS value and appreciate his input.  And that was that.  But all through the play and my long midnight drive back home, in between the Tina songs and my latest audiobook, my mind kept coming back and replaying those conversations.  My soul knew it mattered.  And my spirit knew it was from God.

Key Details:  I was planning to head home after the CR seminar before we texted about the musical.  Had there been OKC tickets or next weekend tickets available, I would've booked that.  I wasn't going to invite them to dinner, but they invited me.  No one else was available, and had another couple joined us, the dynamic would have changed and these conversations would not have been possible or welcomed on my end.  Seeing the ambulance outside was sobering and shifted my thoughts to life-and-death health stuff.  Chet said he felt really hopeful for me and thought it was the healthiest conversation we'd had around dating and marriage, which put me in a really secure and hopeful place (words of affirmation from people who tend toward blunt honesty always mean a bit more to me - lol).  The timing of my Launch coaching, the extra time in prayer lately, the delay on the embryo adoption, the Wilsons talk with Gary and Kathleen, my late musical and early seminar-ending leaving just enough time for this leisurely dinner convo in the middle, my seminar being in Tulsa this year, etc. -- all these details had to line up right for us to have this pivotal conversation while walking around outside together on a pretty summer day, feeling genuinely connected and supported and hopeful.  It wouldn't have had the same impact over the phone or in a larger group.  No one is perfect, but it helps that Chet and Karli are people I consider healthy and safe, and that I know they value me so my guard is not up with them.  It also helps tremendously that Chet can empathize with the slower metabolism and the overeating struggle, and he knows more than most how difficult weight loss success can be and how hard I've been working to break free from shame-based secrets and poor choices around food.  He also knows my story incredibly well and understands why I've been extra hesitant about this method for a while.  All that to say, he was in a very unique position to help me reframe surgery as a potentially healthy option to help me live a happier and longer life, without that feeling condescending or calculated or toxic or pressured.  I trust his heart toward me, and God prompted him and he spoke well, and I just feel very convinced that God worked all of this out so that my stubborn resistance would not get in the way and I would trust the new narrative and feel this peace from Him. ❤

*I also want to be very clear in this post and in my own memory that these were two separate and distinct (but both important) conversations.  Our talk about dating was not intermixed with the convo about weight-loss surgery -- and on no level was he suggesting I should do this to make myself worthy of men or marriage.  Only that it might be a great tool as a jump-start to help me get physically healthier and have more strength and energy for motherhood and the counseling career I am building toward.  I have struggled with internal pressure and spiritual guilt around this idea for years, but much like the guilt I once felt surrounding depression medication, that was not coming from God.  Our conversation did not feel like pressure but permission for something that's been spinning in the back of my mind for a while.  I have also prayed about it a lot and have a surprising level of peace from God here now, so I'm pressing forward with hopeful anticipation!

Thanks to having this week off work, I had extra time to research the gastric sleeve surgery - (the safest of the many weight-loss surgery options out there because it does not mess with your intestinal tract or cause malabsorption and long-term nutrient deficiencies).  Thanks to technology and medical advances, it is an outpatient, laparoscopic surgical procedure that takes around 30 minutes... and the outcome is that it reduces the size of your stomach by around 80% and seriously limits the amount of food you're able to eat, as well as decreasing the hunger-signaling hormones so that you feel less triggered by physical hunger.  Shockingly, you can fly the following day and return to work 2-3 days later... with a two-week liquid diet then a nutritionist follow-up session to start reintegrating solid foods.  Over time, your stomach absolutely has the capacity to stretch and relax and grow, and this surgery is not a magic bullet to cure food addiction or fix emotional eating issues... so you still have to do the internal work around that, while seeking community support and adding extra protein and vitamins and lowering sugar intake and being consistent with working out, etc. to have long-term success with it.  It does not take away all the effort and it is not a quick or permanent "fix," but it is a very helpful jump-start for a lifelong health journey. ❤

There are several hoops you have to jump through if you go through insurance, many of which I had completed seven years ago and so dreaded the thought of repeating... their soonest possible surgery would be late October, and more than likely it would be November or December if I went that route.  A long, anxiety-filled lead-up and a Christmas recovery is not really what I'm after here!  But without even trying (thanks to a well-paced Google ad), I found an affordable and reputable clinic out of state that will fast-track the whole process -- they have great reviews and outcomes that are above the national average, and I've watched their educational videos and talked with their staff (yay being off work - yay, God's timing).  And I feel confident that it's the best path forward for me.  As I trusted they would be, Mom and Dad were very supportive of this idea.  Mom will be traveling with me and caring for me post-surgery, and Dad immediately and very generously paid for the entire procedure and added some extra money to cover travel expenses - our flights and hotel are booked.  The exceptional customer service I've received thus far with Blossom, the schedule lining up seamlessly, and my family resources being in place so rapidly are all further gifts and confirmation from God in my book!

Chet has gotten the full play-by-play on this, and they're excited and hopeful with/for me!  So far, I have also talked with Mom, Dad, Kristin, Sarah, and Rachael about it, all of whom were very supportive and kind.  (I also spoke with a friend of the Wilson fam who has had success with weight-loss surgery and highly recommends it.)  Mel Robbins calls this part "activation energy," and gearing up for this step requires a lot of that energy for me, so I'm very grateful for the more rapid timeline.  *I am not writing about this to seek more outside feedback and commentary, but because this is a monumental step for me internally, and writing always helps me to sort through and clarify jumbled thoughts... AND because this happened fast and I want to remind myself of God's leading and faithfulness in all the details here... AND because my desire is to be transparent and honest from the start about this important piece of my story.  I will strive to live strong and healthy in mind, body, soul, and spirit as I move forward!!

And now, a few photos from the night that started all of this:

My closest friends, my second family - the wonderful Wilson fam (I love how Tate and Parker are both doing the thumbs-up pose here, a classic Chet move from way back)!  Gracious, I am so glad we got this photo that night and I'm happy that it's a full-body shot -- so many thoughts -- another thing that feels super important to me is that I'm NOT coming at this from a place of hating my body or feeling shame about where I am today.  I know I haven't done anything great without the help of God and the consistent support of others, but I will say I love who I am, and I'm really proud of the work I'm doing and the life I am building, and this is just another facet of that, a new step in becoming the healthier person God created me to be and building toward the meaningful future He has marked out for me.  Yes, I will look very different a year from now at my graduation ceremony, but at the risk of sounding arrogant, I am whole and valuable and beautiful and loved and worthy of love right here today!  And I will still post my great memories and the pretty photos of myself in this season, without any shame-based rhetoric or pretending that my life before surgery was miserable and less valuable.  I also will not honestly be able to say that I regret not doing it sooner, because I know and trust this is God's timing for me.  I am doing this out of love for myself and a consistent desire to improve and grow... physical health has been my biggest habit struggle, and I need some extra help to conquer it and renew my sense of hope.  I am re-centering and walking closely with God, and I believe He is opening new doors, so I'm boldly moving through them!

Tate Haywood! ❤

Parker Elizabeth! ❤

The future looks good! ;-)

Tina was in a toxic, abusive relationship for 16 years, then she was sued by her managers and mistreated by her family and struggling financially as a single mom when she cut ties with her abuser... but her inner strength allowed her to break free from that mess and create a chart-topping solo career.  Just another timely reminder that we are not stuck in our old patterns, and we can do the work to change our mindset and build something vibrant and empowering! #simplythebest

Okay.  As promised, here's the summary ending to this absurdly long post:

After a life-changing conversation with trusted friends, time in prayer, and personally researching gastric sleeve surgery, I have decided it's the next right step for me.  My family and closest friends support this decision, and I have found a reputable clinic for the procedure.  My surgery is scheduled for June 7th, and I am preparing for the physical and emotional changes ahead.  I start a strict pre-op diet this Friday, so I'm definitely enjoying some favorite foods tomorrow!  ...In some ways, this decision happened very quickly, and in others, it's been years in the making.  I exercise pretty regularly, and I have tried various diets for years on my own, going back and forth in a way that has messed with my hope and my metabolism.  In spite of living a wonderful life that I genuinely enjoy, I have been in the morbidly obese BMI category for most of the past 12 years, and I really need the fresh HOPE of a jump-start and a mental reset with food.  And that is how I'm viewing this -- as a clean slate and a brand new chapter.  Again, this is a relatively safe, laparoscopic, outpatient procedure, and I believe God has been preparing me for this path.  I plan to be open and honest about it here, and to do the inner work and seek good counsel for the best mental and physical health outcomes!!  I'm incredibly grateful for God's timing in the details and for the peace I feel today.  This surgery represents a new era for me, and I feel really excited and hopeful (and admittedly a little nervous about the physical recovery).  Your prayers for a smooth surgery and continued growth and peace are appreciated!! ❤

Woof - okay, my mind can rest now.  Congrats to those who actually read all of this! lol  Lord willing, there's more to come, and I'm excited to share it with you here.  Happy Wednesday to you all!  

For those who sincerely seek Him, God directs our steps and delights in every detail of our lives.  Where we stumble and struggle, He will not allow us to fall or give up - He walks with us and holds our hand, and He clears the path and shows us the way forward!!

❤

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful Mom.  I am grateful for her consistent love, support, resilience, and dependability.  And for 40+ years of daily communication (literally the only time we didn't communicate for a few days was my Mexico mission trip without a cell phone 25 years ago).  Yay, Mom! ❤

Happy Mother's Day to Rachael LaJo, without whom I wouldn't have the privilege of knowing and loving Triston, Carter, Jace, and Kyndal! ❤

Happy Mother's Day to Kristin Michelle  - Mom of Anthony, Diesel, Wesson, and Nash! ❤

Happy Mother's Day to Karli Marie - Mom of Tate and Parker Elizabeth! ❤

Happy Mother's Day to Sarah Elizabeth - Mom of Katherine Claire! ❤

Happy Mother's Day to Kristin Renee - Mom of Miles and Hope! ❤

Happy Mother's Day to Teresa Wilson - Mom of Chet Lee and Michael! ❤

I'm thankful for all the women listed above and for so many others... women who pray for their children and do their best to raise them in Christ and to generously love and care for them through all the ups and downs of life.  I'm grateful for the children they have raised and are still raising.  I'm thankful for all the ways and all the times different women served as guides/mentors and have been a gift from God for me - there with nurturing compassion, kindness, encouragement, strength, and laughter just when I needed it.  Yay, Moms - you deserve to be celebrated!!

A few pictures from our lunch at Salt Grass this afternoon!

I also want to share a couple things God put on my heart today...

1) Guard your heart - the way you interpret your story matters deeply.

If I believe in my heart that God is withholding marriage and motherhood from me, that has a direct negative impact on my walk with God and on other relationships.  I've had to pray about that one several times, reminding myself that God is loving and kind and wise and powerful.  And He is for me (He has good things planned and knows what will have the highest impact on His Kingdom in every season of life).

2) On Annie's podcast, a pastor talked about God's command to be fruitful and multiply, saying that pairing up and having children was literally the primary way for the church and the people of God to grow and prosper in the days when the Bible was being written.  And now we understand that command has a double meaning... God wants the church to "be fruitful" with our lives and to "multiply" by bringing more people into His Kingdom (drawing them to Christ through our love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control).  He phrased it better and explained it with more nuance, but I appreciate the reminder that women without a husband and/or children still have the God-given opportunity and the responsibility to be fruitful and multiply.  God did not leave us out of His Kingdom or of that command, and I'm genuinely grateful for that!

"So God created human beings in His own image.  In the image of God He created them; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them [granting them certain authority] and said, 'Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.'"  ~Genesis 1:27-28a

3) I'm still waiting on His next move in my story, but I trust that God is good.  And my highest hope is not in marriage or children, but centered in the stability of Christ!! ❤

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Some old internal narratives, and a healthier reframe...

1. The Story I've Been Telling Myself:  I’m afraid to say that I want marriage... Part of me sees it as believing I am not enough without a man, and I wholeheartedly resist that sense of inferiority.  I've also been too needy in the past and I want to avoid that moving forward.
   STORY UPGRADE:  I want a good marriage, and I. am. worthy. of. a. good. marriage.  It is not a grand prize God reserves for those who have their entire lives together.  There is *nothing* wrong, shameful, weak, needy, pathetic, ridiculous, or insecure about desiring/pursuing a healthy romantic relationship.  I am whole and complete -- I know who I am in Christ, and part of who God designed me to be is a woman with a high relational capacity who loves deeply, desires committed connection, and thrives in safe, close relationships. ❤  
   
   
2. The Story I've Been Telling Myself:  Another part of me fears losing my hard-won sense of identity, putting the guy on a pedestal, and morphing into the relationship the way I did in the distant past.  
   STORY UPGRADE:  In a thousand ways, I am not the woman I used to be, and I don't need to live in fear of reverting back into her.  I have good friends who care enough to call out unhealthy behaviors.  I have grown and changed and made wonderful progress over time, and I will continue to learn, dream, and grow with God... and potentially with a spouse.  I trust that the same would be true for my future husband. ❤
   
   
3. The Story I've Been Telling Myself:  Online dating is hard and awkward, and getting my hopes up in this department feels scary when the odds feel increasingly stacked against me here.  
   STORY UPGRADE:  I firmly believe there are wonderful Christian single men in the world, and that God knows how to connect us if I really open myself to that possibility and pray for His direction and timing.  The natural odds are irrelevant to Jesus, and in fact, He specializes in working with people most of the world has written off as too old or not good enough.  So whether it is children or marriage or a thriving counseling practice or a book that changes lives or some combination of all of that, I'm saying yes to everything God desires to give me in this life.  And I trust His heart toward me, with faith that He will protect me, give me wisdom, and open new doors for me here if and when the timing is right. ❤
   
   
4. The Story I've Been Telling Myself:  Internally, I've made agreements with the idea that marriage will never happen for me, and I've sometimes sinfully justified reading/watching inappropriate content based on my suspicion that God is withholding real human intimacy from me.
   STORY UPGRADE:   I would love to play an important role in a vibrant and healthy Christian marriage, and that is not the impossible dream.  God values me and views me with love and favor, and He is NOT punishing me or withholding anything good from me.  God is calling me to walk in higher integrity and obedience, and He is eager to give me good things that will meet my heart's desires and benefit my future and glorify Him.  I am repentant and prioritizing a clean conscience and setting up better accountability, and I will prayerfully break the agreements I have made with the enemy about relationships and/or my ability to add value to a marriage.  So I am praying for guidance, avoiding unhealthy secrets, and giving men a real chance - understanding that all relationships take work, and no one is perfect! ❤
   
   
5. The Story I've Been Telling Myself: The major scars of rejection in my past make it easy to put up self-protective walls and to judge new relationships too quickly.
   STORY UPGRADE:  The enemy has lied to me for many years here, and I've been vulnerable to those lies and sometimes done a poor job of fighting back with truth.  But I am not unlovable or broken or unfit for marriage or too messy or destined for rejection or best tolerated in small doses.  I am growing, and I am good at relationships, and I love people well and add value to their lives.  And I believe God will empower me to move forward with more confident hope, peace, and clarity of desire!
   
   
6. The Story I've Been Telling Myself:  Motherhood matters more to me than marriage, and I am pretty good at navigating life on my own.  It would be too complicated and difficult to change the relational dynamic at this point.
   STORY UPGRADE:  Becoming a mom is a lifelong dream for me, and I will walk through the doors God chooses to open in the adoption journey (currently on my second Snowflakes embryo adoption match)!  Pursuing motherhood initially felt safer to me, as I believed that was more within my control and less likely to lead to feelings of rejection (wrong on both counts).  God is with me and for me, changing my heart a little along, and thus far, I believe He is not telling me to give up on either of these dreams.  Whether my future role involves being a content single woman, a wonderful single parent, a devoted wife, or a wife and mom, God will give me the grace I need to live the life He is calling and leading me into! ❤
   
   
7. The Story I've Been Telling Myself: Many of the married mothers I know seem a bit stressed, anxious, and in need of more support.  I worry about feeling very isolated and overwhelmed if/when I become a mom.
   STORY UPGRADE:  Every person alive has moments of feeling alone or overwhelmed - I know how to navigate that as a single woman, and God would be with me and give me grace as a single parent for as long as that is my role.  I have wonderful support, and I have the power to seek help and to intentionally build/maintain a  solid community of family, friends, mentors, etc.  I have a God-given spirit of power, deep love, and a sound mind, so I will not let fear be the thing that stops me from pursuing my God-given desires and goals! ❤

*Post inspired by Ally Fallon's Write Your Story podcast.  Don't settle for the rough draft or keep repeating an old story you feel stuck in.  Each of us have the opportunity to make internal edits and to level up in the way we frame and narrate our own life story, and IT MATTERS!!! ❤

The Reward is in the Change

I'm thinking about this quote a lot lately:

"Our perspective is transforming, so we no longer see the behavior as the reward, but the possibility of changing as the reward... The reward is in the change... Your brain begins to respond to the new perceived reward, and it's now more desirable than the unhealthy behavior!" ~Debra Fileta

In very general terms, my mind tends to associate the word "change" with the word "hard" ....and to associate the word "reward" with delicious foods that aren't particularly nutritious. lol

I want to be intentional about this perspective shift, reminding myself that lasting transformation and positive habit changes (a strong and healthy mind, body, soul, and spirit) are a much greater reward!

My new mantra when faced with temptation toward old unhealthy patterns = "The reward is in the change."

-----

Nothing catastrophic, but I'm a little down today.  This day last year was my first (#1 of 4) IUI procedure.  I remember feeling super nervous and super hopeful...  My Write the Word guided journal that morning prompted me to handwrite a verse about confusing grief and pain turning to joy, Jesus specifically comparing it to the joy a woman feels after childbirth (John 16:19-22), then on my drive to OU Reproductive, I teared up when Lauryn Hill's To Zion song randomly played.  It all felt like hints of a promise from God.  Maybe it was just my strong desire making me misread things... or maybe it was a promise given to me in my spirit that will be fulfilled at a later time through a different path.

Either way, God is good and His plans are good.

And either way, my life here has purpose, and our ultimate hope and highest reward is with Jesus in heaven!

"So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that JOY!"  ~John 16:22 ❤

The Power of Perception

Happy Friday!!  As of 12:10 today, I've completed my Multicultural Counseling class with the University of Phoenix -- huzzah for being done and being back to one school system!!  While I missed the Christian perspective, I am very thankful this class was heavy on writing and low on group projects, and I'm happy to be able to transfer in this credit (I dropped the CCU class due to life stress and low motivation in January, but they only offer it once a year and it was necessary before practicum - so this was the solution).  Now I have 3 more weeks to finish the CCU Eating Disorders class, then it's on to my Practicum/Internship at Restore -- exciting!  Between finishing that class, having the morning off, and signing up to be on the early reading team for CCU-Jonathan's upcoming book, it's been a fantastic day! =)

So my deep thoughts for today are circling around the power of perception.  In my grad school research, study after study shows that the way we perceive our social support, our bodies, our socioeconomic status, etc. has a greater impact on our physical health and our life satisfaction than reality itself.  The way we frame our story and feel about ourselves matters so deeply!  Perceived support vs. isolation has a massive impact on our mental and physical health!!  Someone with several "friends" may experience more loneliness than someone with a few close friends.  A single woman may feel more connected and satisfied with their life than someone in a lonely or volatile marriage... and it's how we perceive our experience that makes all the difference.

As a woman who may be single throughout my lifetime, these findings are really encouraging!  My very personal experience of contentment and joy and support in singleness matters far more than the pitying way society or the church in general views single women.  My sincere and rooted belief that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are with me and for me is sustaining and positively impacts my mental, physical, and spiritual health!  It is a constant relational connection that no outside force can break - and it means I am always seen, always heard, always valued, and always inextricably connected with other members of the body of Christ!  That's huge!  And my perception that I have incredibly supportive friends and family matters too, particularly in any crisis.  I probably think about the "great cloud of witnesses" in heaven more than most people, and that also helps me not to feel alone and to remember that my decisions matter even when no one else on earth sees them.  It's been a journey, and my ability to trust others in a healthy way while remembering their humanity has grown a lot.  In addition, my perspective on my own capability and resilience have changed a lot over time!  I still fight myself and have to work for emotional regulation in every human relationship - it's amazing to me how quickly my brain can go from "this is my favorite person alive" to a painful sense of disconnection or mistrust, but my history and personality all play into that, and to quote Ted Lasso, "I'm a work in prog-mess."  I'm growing and getting better, and my relationship with God is vital and so central to me maintaining a healthy perception and believing that I have all the grace and support I need day by day!! (Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 12:19)

Similarly, every human being is capable of change - we all have that God-given capacity.  But our individual PERCEPTION of whether we are able to change will be the deciding factor that determines our outcome every time!  To say we want to be well but then believe we are incapable of changing old habits will not cut it.  Our beliefs, words, and actions all have to align in seeking change and knowing it is possible... I'm getting closer to that, and it's exciting!  And obviously, our support system influences our beliefs, values, words, and actions... so it all ties together in interesting ways.

All that to say:  How you view yourself, your God-given purpose, your power to create change, and your social support system MATTERS... be wise and intentional about how you frame your story! ❤

My new Harry-Potter-themed shirt arrived today, and I love it! lol
(Flourish and Blotts Booksellers, Diagon Alley, London)

And now, a few silly memes for some Photo Friday fun...

I laughed way too hard at this one!

Truth be told, this strategy worked on me every time. lol

OMG - in spite of my love of writing, I am so over the discussion boards!  I felt this one and laughed so hard...

Okay, that's all for today.  Happy Friday, and have a lovely last weekend of July!!

God's Timing

 "A man's heart plans his way,

but the Lord determines his steps."

~Proverbs 16:9

My mind is in overdrive lately, which historically means lots of blog posts. Lol  I've been thinking tonight about God's timing...

His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are above our thoughts.

He knows the end from the beginning and knows our needs and our created purpose better than we do.  Every day of our lives is recorded and ordained by God - we are seen and valued on a level we probably cannot fully grasp.

I am grateful that He directs our steps...

even when we make big plans that don't align with His plan.

I can see evidence for this as I look back at big events and small kindnesses.  There are brilliant, intentional elements behind the timing of my friendship with Josh, me learning about the Eldredges, my move to Tulsa, joining the lifegroup, my home purchase, the letter, the sustaining kindness of friends, depression, Kyndal's birth, SNU rejecting me, the reconnection with Malori, the exact number of days we were friends, my six months at Mom and Dad's, my acceptance at CCU, the move to Moore, the pregnancy plan not happening too early, Mom's diagnosis, my talk with Dr. Burkhart, the interview with Shawn, so many well-timed conversations with Godly wisdom from friends, and timely sermons and podcasts and books and movies God used to speak to me right when I needed it!

There are some big things where I feel uncertain about what God has planned for my future.  That's normal and probably true for everyone.  So I'm reminding myself here that God is faithful.  He is sovereign, and He is directly involved.  He wants our hearts and our obedience and our unwavering love and trust.  And He deserves them.  He delights in the details of our lives and personalities, and He plans little things that make life richer and brighter for us.  God is creative and He is good, and He enjoys doing things that are unexpected!  He wants good things for us and will not withhold anything that is beneficial to us in fulfilling His plan for our lives.  Regardless of all our planning and striving, His plan will ultimately prevail -- globally and individually -- and that is to our great benefit.  The timing of every big event in our lives, every relationship we form, every hard thing we endure, every big loss we grieve, our own earthly death (if that comes before Jesus returns), and the eventual return of Jesus is already appointed by God.  He knows how to catch us when we fall.  We would do well to trust Him and stay close, to seek His will and do our best to walk in step with Him, and to remember that He does not allow or ordain anything without a purpose.

We are never alone in any big decision.

And in the end, the result is always up to Him.
There is beautiful safety and grace in that!

❤ ❤ ❤

"For everything there is an appointed time,

and an appropriate time for every activity on earth..."

~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Weekend Update + Deep Thoughts

Happy time-change Sunday, my friends!  I thought we'd voted to be done with that, but apparently not so much.  Or maybe this is our last one ever!?  Who knows!?

I've had a lovely weekend!  Spent Friday night with the fam and saying goodbye to J&K, who are with their dad in San Antonio for Spring Break now.  Today has been super restful.  And Saturday, I went to Tulsa and met the Foster fam for lunch at Olive Garden... yay!! ❤  They were kind enough to buy my lunch, and I had a great time getting to know Miles and Hope and hearing their adorable thoughts on life. =)

Miles:  "Heeey, I didn't see your car outside!"

Me:  "Oh wow, you know what my car looks like!?"  

Miles:  "No." lol kids are the best!

They asked to come see my car, so they got in for a second before they left (and I snapped a car pic, naturally)!  Then Jon took them home for nap time, and Kristin and I hopped in her new-to-me blue Bronco (love it) and went to Starbucks for over three hours to get caught up on all the things!!  As per usual, it was a very informative, sometimes heavy, but ultimately uplifting talk for both of us. Super thankful for her friendship! ❤  And praying for wisdom, grace, and mutual love and joy for their precious and God-ordained family!

After that, I made a very important ribbon-exchange with Chet Lee (it's been in my car since we helped decorate his office for Christmas).  I came in for a tiny minute, and Miss Parker Elizabeth was tired and in a more cuddly & friendly mood with me than usual - hooraaaay!! ❤  So sweet!

In exciting NSV news (that's code for non-scale victory in the WW world), my Apple Watch alerted me that my average resting heart rate has decreased by 9 beats per minute, while my exercise minutes, standing time, and calories burned have all increased lately!  It made me really happy to get that random update... and to remember there is significant internal transformation happening, and the external stuff will come later as I stick with it.  True in health goals and life goals!!  One step at a time...

In other Apple Watch news, this notification during my long drive back from Tulsa made me laugh...

Me, belting out a cheesy Treblemakers song...
My watch:  "You reached your move goal, Lindsey! That's how it's done."
Lol umm, thanks, Apple.

Speaking of music, I love this song by Kelsea Ballerini (look at me choosing a new-ish song for once!)  It's a short album she wrote while going through a divorce - lots of solid lyrics and wordplay throughout.  (*Important side note: I am never pro-divorce when the reasoning is a shallow lack of commitment, but I am very pro-women-getting-out-of-abusive-marriages, and I believe God is too.  My mind tends to go there for personal reasons, but to be very clear, I have zero idea about her actual marital situation, so I need to avoid pre-judging either of them on a personal level here.)  I'll just say this final song really resonated with me regarding some non-marital relationships in my own life when I heard it!  It's not snarky or bitter - she genuinely wishes him well - then she wishes herself continued self-respect... to never leave herself or lose her identity in another person again -- yessssssss!

"I hope I remember all the pieces
Of who I was that I lost on the way.
I hope I learn to love myself like I loved you then,
And I hope I never leave me again."

Song of the Week = Leave Me Again by Kelsea Ballerini

On a seemingly opposite but somewhat related note, that song combined with my counseling session this week have got me thinking (nothing of note is wrong - they require us to do five sessions with an LPC before beginning our internship this fall).  

I feel my self-trust and self-respect rising this year.  I was sleepwalking and settling in parts of my life, but I'm awake and going for things now.  I was setting low expectations and letting go of certain hopes and dreams in the effort to protect myself after massive rejections and crushing pain and grief.  And I was very guarded, understandably, in my effort to protect my sense of identity (which was shattered to the point of suicidality after the abrupt loss of the first man I hoped to marry).

As time went on, I quietly wrote off the idea of marriage as unlikely and unsafe for two main reasons: feeling unwanted and fearing losing myself again (being so consumed by the relationship and one person's approval that I lose sight of my individual value apart from him).  There was also some fear of destructive, hot-tempered men and the emotional damage they are capable of, but the good men in my life have indirectly helped me work through that, and I would trust myself and God to help me choose wisely at this point.

And here's the truth I am just beginning to see and believe:  It's actually healthy and okay for me to want this - it's a God-honoring marriage with mutual love and respect, not idolatry or compromise, and not the impossible dream!

"I'll never be more loved than I am right now.

I wasn't holding You up, 

So there's nothing I can do to let You down...

I'm already loved.  I'm already chosen.

I know who I am.  I know what You've spoken."

~Jireh, Elevation Worship

I understand now in a way that can only come through hard life experience that Jesus is the only relationship that is vital and essential to my very identity and existence - and Lord help me, I will NOT put another human being in the God role in my heart ever again.  As for marriage, I am not undeserving or unwanted or unworthy romantically... that was never the real problem.  I was unknown because I was guarded and things felt safest that way, and because I was shutting down my own dreams and didn't really know myself in the way I'm beginning to now.  You can't hold firmly to an identity that you're actively suppressing, and I wasn't allowing myself the freedom to create a life I loved and felt passionate about.  As that is changing, my sense of identity feels more defined and less fragile - rooted in Christ, working on meaningful goals, and open to healthy relationships!  Anyway, I am more confident and relationally healthy and secure now than I was even 2-3 years ago, and I'm almost entirely transformed from the desperate person I was in 2007 (lots of grace for her, though).  The way I think about marriage has been colored by that experience for so long, but I have to fully let go of that old lens and see myself in a redeemed and more resilient new light.  God is never limited by our timelines, so I won't lean on that excuse either.

"I love the Lord my God with all my mind, body, soul, and spirit...

Strong mind, strong body, strong soul, strong spirit...

Healthy mind, healthy body, healthy soul, healthy spirit...

My mind rests in God, my body rests in God, my soul rests in God, my spirit rests in God."  ~a short mantra I'm saying out loud every day lately

I'm fully aware that God is at work and He isn't done with me yet, and I believe He wants my heart fully alive... not shut down or closed off in any area.  At this moment, I am grateful to be in a solid place with God, with my friendships, with my family.  I am getting healthier physically and pursuing important life goals and dreams, believing in and knowing myself more deeply than ever before.  The papers I'm writing for school lately are sharpening me mentally and spiritually - I feel that, and it's exciting.  I'm still growing and changing, to be very sure, but I could do that with someone good and kind and supportive beside me.  I am clear on my values and my standards and what I have to offer, and it's a really good list, even in my unfinished, quirky, very imperfect human state.  Starting this fall, I'm heading into a new season with internship and career transition where I'll be meeting new people pretty regularly, and I don't want to be closed off or mistrustful or insecure.  I want to see life through an unscarred, confident, fresh lens based on who I am today and who God is to me today. ❤  I want to keep growing, and I want to have everything God wants for me!!  I can't say for certain whether marriage is on that list just yet, but I trust that His plans are good.  I'm going to be praying over it and trusting God and myself more deeply, and being open to dating and marriage in a new way!

And that's the end of my deep thoughts for tonight.  Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!  And have a great week ahead!!

Okay, one more song, because it's in my mind now since it totally goes with the dynamic I talked about earlier.  My Enneagram 9 vice is sleepwalking through life - trying to keep the peace and remain unaffected... but our virtue (when we're at our best) is when we intentionally take right action, coming alive to our heart's desires, fighting for others, and pursuing our goals!