August 2021

 QUOTE OF THE MONTH: 

AUGUST GRATITUDE LIST

• Getting to swim one last time with Chet & Co. this past weekend
  
• Finally watching The Friends Reunion with Sarah Elizabeth
• Celebrating the birthdays of my Dad, Charlene, and Kyndal Faith Parrish!!
• A fun day trip to Dallas with JoBug, Triston, and Nate!
• Mini donuts!! ;-)
• My 400th Peloton ride will be a 30-minute Pop ride with Cody Rigsby at 6:30 tonight - YAY!!

What was life-draining this month?

• The family drama and division that continues to affect my niece and nephews, sister, and parents (and me, although I'm further removed from the physical situation than the rest of them).
• Procrastination - putting off some little chores or conversations when it would be much wiser to just do it and feel more free/accomplished/able to really rest

What was life-giving this month?

• Taking a break from Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter
• Daily gospel reading + Power Thoughts
• Finally publishing the post I'd been editing and wrestling with and pouring my heart into for a while... (my most read post for 2021 so far) and feeling at peace with that and ready to move forward
• Positive feedback on  my writing (blog posts and letters and resume stuff).  I want to keep growing in that gift and using it to connect with and help others!
• Getting back into the #HardCore Peloton calendar, committing to working out very consistently (6-7 days each week) no matter where I was or how I was feeling has been really good for me! #wecandohardthings #yayendorphins
• Improving results on all my lab tests and blood pressure readings
• Keeping an appointment I was very tempted to cancel
• Sticking with a future commitment I would have rather backed out of (Psalm 15:4)
• A birthday shopping trip with the Mini Miss K
• Dinner and catching up with Triston Michael
• Hearing reports of Jace doing really well in Eye Therapy
• A fun and tasty brunch with Mom, just the two of us (reminded me of the Applewoods days)
• Olive Garden dinner and convo with my cousin, Kristin!
• Red Robin lunch and convo with the other Kristin! lol
• Four fun get-togethers with Tulsa friends and mini-BFFs!
• The entire gratitude list above. ❤
  

HAPPY LISTS

I Read:  

• Luke 18-24
• The gospel of John
• Beyond the Pixie Dust by Josh Avery

I Listened To:

• ALL the podcasts... except for Wild at Heart, because John Eldredge and crew took a summer break this month!
• All 2021 episodes of Annie and Eddie Keep Talking (again)
• Some early episodes (2007) of Big Boo Cast
• Gospel in Life (Tim Keller's sermons from the 1990s and early 2000s -- this month was sermons focused on the hard sayings of Jesus -- so good!!)
• North Point Community Church (Andy Stanley sermons)
• That Sounds Fun with Annie F. Downs
• The Holderness Family Podcast
• Life.Church (Craig Groeschel sermons)
• Elevation Church (Steven Furtick sermons)
• Enjoying Everyday Life (Joyce Meyer teaching)
• The Office Ladies with Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey

I Watched:  

• Modern Family seasons 5-7 on Hulu
• Fav episodes of Reba reruns on Hulu
• Fav episodes of The Office seasons 1-5 on Peacock
• The Proposal and Tower Heist (a fun movie that I feel more connected to because it was being filmed when we were there for our 2010 trip to NYC!!) both also on Peacock
• The very first scene of the very first episode of Yellowstone... eek... which I decided I'll watch later when I'm in the mood for something a bit heavier. lol

I Made:  

• It through my first mammogram appointment (I have to start early due to the family history of breast cancer, but it wasn't too bad, and no cancer - hooray!!)
• Oreo balls + tried two new healthy recipes
• Wrote two emotionally-rich blog posts that I'm proud of
• Progress with my nutritional counselor #happyandhealthygoals
• Wrote a heartfelt reference letter for some close friends starting their adoption process
• An appointment for a Home Study next month!! ❤

 

*This recap was inspired by Emily Freeman's The Next Right Thing Journal, and I'm writing one for each month of 2021!

Phoning It In (#17)

We all know I take lots of photos every week, and I also tend to save memes and gifs that make me laugh... so this is just a catch-up post where I throw in all the recent pics from my phone, along with my captions. =)

I just love this quote!! ❤

I appreciate that Peloton now offers "mood rides" where the music is designed to fit your mood: happy, sad, confident, peaceful, determined, etc.  They're well done and validating, and even the sad ride is uplifting in the end!

I took T-man out to dinner on Thursday night, and we had a good talk.  Then I brought him back home and came in for a minute... and I got to see Jace's updated Transformer toy collection, and here's the Miss K posing with her glitter-pen unicorn drawing!! ❤

Friday and Saturday were my Court Reporting seminar... held at the Renaissance Waterford Hotel in OKC, which Mom reminded me was the location of JSB (CHA's version of the prom) my Junior year.  So I was thinking about that a lot as I walked those halls and sat in that ballroom -- that I was also there just over 20 years ago for my Junior-Senior Banquet, and posing for lots of pictures out here on this very sidewalk! =)

Steve and Sarah took a road trip to OKC to get some things he needed for work that Friday, so I met them for lunch at Whiskey Cake... my first time trying that place.  Meh to their main menu, but yes, please to the whiskey cake dessert (kind of a caramel cake swimming in caramel sauce with candied pecans and lots of whipped cream).

Baby Kate collage! =)

It was nice getting to see them and catch up a bit... please note my fancy "Stenographer" lanyard for the seminar! lol

That first day, I sat at the table behind Jerzy, the court dog... so that was fun!!

I also played on my phone a bit and did muted Peloton meditations during the more boring sessions. lol

After the seminar, Kyndal asked if I would read with her, and I gladly accepted that invitation!  She's an excellent reader... I was impressed! 

On Saturday, I sat with Marilyn during the seminar, and it was nice to catch up with her!  Our break was at 11:30, and I met Mom for a delicious brunch meal at the Cheesecake Factory... yum!!

One of our sessions was about staying motivated, and the speaker was talking about finding purpose in work, and she asked, "What do you really want!?" right as she put up this slide with a baby picture... so that was an interesting little nod from God!

We also had an afternoon session about tips and tricks for becoming more efficient/productive so that we don't have to work so many nights and weekends...

(...Super applicable content for some court reporters, but if you know me, you know why that's kinda funny!)  *Also, the above gif was from a live photo of me about to take a selfie during a traffic jam, then realizing we were moving again and feeling dumb about that. lol

Saved these Michael Scott gems when I was helping Rach think of quotes for a poster she's working on...

Last week, I put in a To-Go order and had the following conversation:

Guy on phone:  Can I get your name, please?

Me:  Lindsey.

Guy:  And do you spell that Krispy, like Krispy Kreme!??

Me:  .........Umm, no.  It's Lindsey, like L-I-N-D-S-E-Y.

Man, I laughed way too hard about that!  Who is ever named Krispy?  And who would spell it with a K?  Then I thought of Mr. Crisp from Sister Act 2 and started laughing again!

Yesterday, we finally got our long-awaited pool party at the Wilsons!!

It was Katherine Claire's very first pool day... she seems to be pretty relaxed and enjoying it!  Harvey Lane is also looking pretty chill on his raft... we all think it's cute that he crosses his legs like this! lol

Kate's first swimsuit!

Parker Elizabeth was also a fan of the water!

This = Tate entertaining us during dinner (pulled pork sandwiches with Sun Chips and broccoli salad).  This laundry hamper serves as a hang-glider toy and a great hiding spot! lol

They were drying these shirts here, and Sarah asked what was going on... Chettles said, "Oh, that's how I get my extrovert fix - just come in here and pretend there's a crowd and talk to everyone!" lolol

And we ended the night with another trip to Sugar Llamas, where we all got to sample different ice creams and donut flavors!!

In less happy news, as of yesterday afternoon, my nephew, Carter Lee, has tested positive for COVID.  They were all together yesterday, so please pray for his smooth recovery and that no one else in the family gets it.  The adults are all getting an IV infusion today that's also supposed to help prevent it or lessen the severity if they did get it.

(This pic is one of my favs of the niece and nephews from our Woodward Park photo shoot a couple years ago. ❤)

A funny meme from Chet Lee. lol

I was looking through old Shutterfly photos for my "Markalie" post, and I found this blurry pic of my side of our bathroom at 9121.  I'm sad about the poor photo quality, but still happy to have any pictures of this room.  To this day, I still have dreams where I'm getting ready in that bathroom.

And finally, August 26th was also Sarah and Steve's 5th wedding anniversary!  So here's a happy collage I made for that.  (I can't remember if it was the first movie they saw together or what, but they have a Wall-E and Eva bumper sticker, so that's why I picked that for the middle.)

And that's about all the random photos I have for you today!! =)

Happy Monday... make it a great week ahead!

Grief Anniversary

"May the Lord bless you and take care of you.
May the Lord be kind and gracious to you.
May the Lord look on you with favor and give you peace."
~Numbers 6:24-26

One of the defining dates on my life calendar is 8-26-2013, the loss of my best friendship.  I have written more than enough to fill a book over the past few months, the vast majority of which will remain between me and God.  On this anniversary, my goal is to honor our good memories, validate the depth of this loss, and share some hopeful thoughts and lessons God is teaching me... 

• Ecclesiastes 3:11 says God has planted eternity in the human heart.  We were created for eternal relationships, so our souls don't know how to process endings very well.  When you lose someone you love deeply, I believe you have the ability to grow around that grief, but your heart will always miss them and feel tender there. 
• We were best friends for several years.  She was my main confidant, my first call in any crisis, the friend I knew most deeply, the person who knew me best, and the friend I felt most at home with.  Her friendship, support, and ability to see things many others overlooked in me has changed me for the better in several ways.
• I have no doubt this was a difficult loss for her, as well.  The saddest part of this whole thing for me is knowing it could've been great if she had only chosen love over fear.  Instead, our friendship ended on something more like this scene.
• We were both walking new ground and facing deep brokenness when we met in 2007, and this friendship became a life raft through that storm... I cannot overemphasize how important she was to me in that season.  No matter how everyone else views this or thinks I should feel here, this ending is *not* a small loss to me.  I'm wholly incapable of seeing it that way, and there is no need to pretend otherwise.  So I'm holding space for my grief and honoring those emotions, especially on this day.
• I'm grateful my counselor reminded me that no relationship is ever 100% perfect or 100% toxic, and it is normal and okay to miss the things that were special and meaningful to you, even if there was dysfunction and it ended poorly.  I miss all the good things about her and our friendship, and there were many of them!
• As C.S. Lewis put it, "To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken."  Knowing everything I know now, I am still incredibly thankful we reconnected...
• Looking back, God timed this perfectly.  I love that we added two more Christmas seasons to our friendship, and I was honored to be there for her as a dependable confidant and source of encouragement through all of 2020, a terribly difficult pandemic year that included a lot of loss and major changes for her and her family.  She needed the support of a good friend more than usual, and it was my genuine privilege to be that person for her.  Walking with her through that season also served to soften my own heart and remove any lingering resentment or insecurity that I'd been holding.  When you only see and hear about the highlights of someone's life for years, it can be easy to view them through a false narrative and view your own life as inferior.  Being closer again fully re-humanized her and reminded me that we all have struggles and hard seasons, and we all have our strengths and reasons to be grateful. 
  
• My time, energy, and love are precious, and I want to spend them with people who feel delight rather than dread or shame at the thought of getting together.
• There were hard conversations with friends who have my best interest at heart, and there were red flags in my spirit that I pushed aside for too long here.  The imbalanced, dysfunctional dynamic was becoming clear to me for several months before I gently spoke up for myself.
  
• In spite of the sting of ongoing rejection, it is truly better to know than to wonder. 
• Hurting people hurt people, but healing people help others to heal.  My strong desire is to be in the latter group, so I have taken the responsibility for pursuing my own healing and wholeness very seriously this year!
• When we allow ourselves to honor and feel the intense grief emotions, it actually deepens our capacity to feel vibrant joy and rich gratitude!  I know that to be true from experience.  There is grief and gratitude, sorrow and celebration all mingled together here... I feel a deep awareness that God is present and life is a priceless gift, even if it doesn't look exactly the way I had hoped in this season. ❤
• I've been cautiously asked more than once by sincere friends whether there was ever a romantic element to this friendship... which makes me think others may have also wondered but been afraid to ask.  So for what it's worth, please allow me to publicly clarify that there was not.  There were many complicating factors, but that was absolutely never one of them, to the very best of my knowledge/personal perspective.  The depth of this grief is purely based on my heart for relationships and us getting stuck in the impossibly-painful anxious/avoidant trap.
• I understand why this needed to end, and it really is over now. But I sincerely care about her, and I no longer feel any unfair pressure to feign strength by pretending otherwise.  I love and respect myself, and I love and respect her.  They are not antithetical.  I want God's best for her and her family, and I hope she finds healing and feels loved and lovable and enjoys her life moving forward!
• For any readers dealing with their own grief and loss, I’ll tell you some of what I’ve told myself:
• It is 100% okay if you need to walk away from someone you love because you are continually getting hurt or being mistreated.  You can love and miss someone every day, but still choose to say goodbye to them.  
• Have grace for yourself and move at your own pace as you heal.   
• Don't feel ashamed of your God-given longing for connection - it's a beautiful gift that can bring us closer to Jesus.  
• Guard your heart by loving God more deeply than you love anyone else. ❤
  
• Have grace for others, too.  Your friends and family may not always know the best way to help, but they care and love you, so ask for specific support and prayer... be vocal and communicate what you need.
• God CARES and He is close to the brokenhearted.  You are never completely alone with any of your quiet tears and fears, confusion and heartache, even in the darkest moments of mourning.  You are always seen; God is always present; and He understands the true extent of your loss in a way no one else really can.  
• It's a muddy path forward, but you are making imperfect progress.  There is more joy, hope, and light ahead.  God still has a good plan for your future... so keep the faith and keep pressing forward, one brave step at a time.

I want to guard my heart from further damage, but I also want to acknowledge and validate this massive part of my life story.  So I am choosing not to throw the good things out with the bad, not to minimize everything this friendship has meant to me.  I'm publishing this final post and deliberately keeping a few photos of her up in my home for that very reason... I want to honor the major role Malori has played in my life, and those pictures help me to keep a soft heart toward her, which is deeply important to me. ❤

It's been a long day without you, my friend,

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

We've come a long way from where we began.

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

To know what I'd trade for one more day to have them

To know what it takes to live my life without them

I could tell you all the details of who I am, but then again

To know me, you would have to know my friend.

~Lauren Daigle

Part of me will always wish things were different here, “on earth, as it will be in heaven.”  But whenever she comes to mind, I will pray the blessings verse at the very top of this post over her and her family.  And I will guard my heart and reframe my hope for this connection in light of eternity and the full restoration Jesus promises us there.  Because someday, all of our inner brokenness and messy, traumatic memories and old scars and unyielding walls, along with any other lies and divisive work of our spiritual enemy will be healed or removed, and only the love of Christ will stand between us!  That promise of "beauty for ashes" is really hopeful and comforting to me. ❤

Words often fail to capture what is most sacred to us.  (Sometimes only God understands the full magnitude of our losses.)  After working through several drafts of this post over the past three months, I can assure you that what you're seeing here is actually the condensed version, and I am unlikely to blog about this after today.  It's time to draw a line and keep moving forward, protecting my time and emotional energy. ❤

"For everything there is a season,
a time appointed for every activity under heaven...
Everything God has done will endure forever:
Nothing can be added to it or taken from it.
God has done all this so that we will worship Him."
~Ecclesiastes 3:1,14

Less than a month into our reconnection, in the process of "catching up" on her Facebook posts and photos, I had a very shaky, unexpected, and intense panic attack... an acute physical reaction to unhealed past trauma and reopened wounds.  It was a weird combination of suppressed sadness, anger, grief, and fear all bubbling up at once.  Following that very sleepless night, I cried a few times a day for about three weeks straight - sometimes in my office, sometimes at home - unable to pull it together, feeling overwhelmed and flooded with delayed grief emotions over all the big events and daily details we'd missed in each other's lives... (paired with stress about alienating my existing friends, many of whom were understandably concerned by the news of this reconnection).  My nervous system was fully activated and on edge, and I needed God's help to calm and quiet my heart.  I am so thankful that season was brief, because it was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting.  My grief was shrouded by anger and shame in 2013, but somehow, our renewed friendship allowed me to feel the full weight of the sadness beneath all of that time apart... something I needed to FEEL and finally process in order to move through it and be freed up to move forward.

She expressed sincere remorse for cutting me out and deep gratitude for having me back in her life, so I had good reason to hope things would be different this time.  I'm convinced that it was never malicious, but her kind words and distant actions were glaringly out of alignment.  There was a lot of internal wrestling on my end over what that push/pull dynamic meant and when and how to address it.  And there were deeply rooted communication issues that I was unable to fix singlehandedly...

Allllll of that to say:  From 2007 to 2021, our friendship lasted 7 years and 12 days in total, both Biblically-significant numbers that symbolize completion and divine authority.  Knowing that helps me to fully trust that God is closing this door and there is no going back for round three.  Our earthly season of friendship is over, and I already have more God-given peace about this ending than I have felt in years.  I gave it everything I possibly could, and knowing that helps too.  My heart has shifted in some really healthy ways over the past year, and God has freed me to move forward now with more relational clarity and hope than I have felt in 15+ years...

When everyone else understandably forgets about this grief, God remembers.  He sees every tear I have cried, and He is protective over my heart.  I have felt His love more tangibly in this season, and I am inexpressibly thankful for His faithfulness!  #ThankfulThursday

I am also thankful for the extra support and love I have received from my friends and family through both rounds of this loss.  Thank you for being here today and witnessing this grief anniversary alongside me.  My sadness over this loss also serves to emphasize and enhance my sincere love and appreciation for each of you!  There is a rising, gentle inner strength and renewed softness of heart in me that feels more true to the heart of Christ and true to my original personality than the self-fueled, overcompensatory strength I was projecting a few years back.  God has reminded me that vulnerability, love, and kindness are wonderful, God-given strengths, not signs of weakness.  And I can make thoughtful decisions and set healthy boundaries and value myself, all while keeping a tender heart toward the people I love.

This reconnection was a gift in several ways, and I am grateful for all I've learned (and all I am still learning).  I have seen repeatedly that God can use every relationship and situation in our lives for good, even the really complicated and messy stuff.  It is always my tendency in writing posts like this to sift out the deeper meaning in the hard things, but I don't want to pretend that everything is all tied up in a neat little bow for me today.  I am still hurting and not fully okay, still working through parts of this story, still becoming who God intends me to be.  Healing is a process, so that is to be expected.

We serve a very personal and compassionate God, friends.  When we go through deep waters (or waves of grief), He holds our hand and will never let those strong waves drown us.  He is sovereign over everything we go through, and He times the seasons of our lives with great precision and care.  He brings beauty out of brokenness for those who love Him, and He makes everything beautiful for its own time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  I was not wrong in my sincere belief that He is a God of redemption, restoration, and healing.  Sometimes that plays out externally in wonderfully-restored, lifelong relationships...  and sometimes He redeems our internal perspective, restores our courage, and heals our hearts! ❤

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.  Do not gloat over me, my enemy!  Though I have fallen, I shall rise.  Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light!"  -Micah 7:7-8

To any hurting person reading through this, please know that you matter to God today!  The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort has not forgotten YOU, and He will never minimize your heart or dismiss your pain.  He is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.  He is with you and for you, and His heart toward you is good and kind and powerful.  So feel it all and mourn your losses, but cling to Jesus as your lifeline and light in the darkness.  Our eternal hope in Christ is firm and secure, a hope powerful enough to anchor our souls in the midst of any storm.  And the God of hope promises to make all things new, so there are beautiful things ahead for each of us!

Letting go of what lies behind,
Let us PRESS ON to know and love Him. ❤

MM ~ Markalie

They definitely misspelled "folds," but this blooper gif still makes me laugh!

I've been listening to The Office Ladies podcast lately, where Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey break down episodes of The Office and give you behind-the-scenes details and memories -- super fun!  And I've finally downloaded the Peacock app so that I can watch my favorite episodes after I hear their thoughts about them.

It's bringing back lots of memories of my first couple years in Tulsa... when Mark and Natalie and I would get together every Thursday to watch the new Office episodes and have dinner and dessert together, rotating who hosted each week... FUN!  Natalie Lamb was my first close friend after the infamous letter, and we had some really great times together!  Those were the days of MySpace, and I remember sending messages back and forth and being a middle-man for her and Mark at the very beginning of their relationship... it's funny to me now that I didn't see that one coming.  The LifeGroups split off a little while after they became an official couple, so I saw them less after that.  But I'm thankful for all these fun memories with Markalie (their celebrity couple nickname, right along with "Changie" and "Skim" from that group).

Zios for my birthday, bonfire night with the LG, the three of us visiting Natalie's new home (still under construction at that point), and the 2007 ice storm Bourne trilogy night (when Mark came because he thought Natalie was going to be there). lol

Dinner at Mark and Matt's place (Megan, Matt, Mark, Natalie), another restaurant hangout (I'm sad I didn't document things well back then), and a Christmas parade where we wore our shirts to promote the new South Tulsa LifeChurch campus!

Mark's birthday party (hosted by Natalie), my 2008 birthday (K-Foster with them), and another one from the bonfire night (why on earth did I wear boots instead of tennis shoes?  But also, I'd probably do the same today.)

Our LG Halloween party where I was Pam with my "Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro Am Fun Run Race For the Cure" t-shirt, and Mark was 3-hole-punch Jim!  (Angie was a pumpkin, Allie was a Christmas tree, Kim and Chris were doctors, and Caleb was Mike Gundy.) LOL

A fun bowling night with them, and a lovely Red Robin dinner with Natalie, who often found my picture-taking ridiculous but would humor me and go with it! lol

Friend pic, Mark cooking for us, and a random Walmart run for Natalie to grab a bundt pan to bake with that night! =)

Fun badminton games at Bobbi's house, the three of us girls were the "honorary CLS members."

Sometimes I hosted and they cooked... sometimes I made an effort, with all my oven mitts protecting me! lol

Sad I don't know the restaurant?, them looking through my photo book at my Christmas party, and I'm totally blanking on why he got a thank you dessert... (this is why I need to write things down when they happen!)

Mark showing me how to do something on my new Blackberry Pearl phone =)... Celebrating my 24th birthday at Elephant Bar (that was February 18, 2008, and it turned into a really sad night after getting the tragic news of Daniel's death, but I remember Natalie rode with me and we had a long talk about all of that in the car, then I got home and ate way too much of the leftover b-day cake)... and finally, another pic at Natalie's new-construction home!

RockBand fun!  I miss the Inspi(red) shirt. lol

Pizza party and Natalie's famous banana pudding on Mark's birthday!

That's all for this Memory Monday.  I'm thankful for these memories, and for the hilarious TV show that motivated us to get together at least once a week! =)

Hope you have a wonderful week ahead!!