I am really paying attention to who I listen to right now. I have a lot of friends that have a lot of good opinions about my life and about things I'm walking through, but I'm also going: When you say that, what have I seen in the rest of your life? And how do I know you're connecting with God right now? And how have I seen you trustworthy in the past?
I don't think you have to believe that you are called to singleness unless you feel that and feel like that's what God has put on your heart. I think we're allowed to desire every day until God either meets our desire or He meets us... I do not think there is an age you have to stop hoping. Because the real question is: When do I have to stop hoping? And the answer is: don't. Never stop hoping unless your desire changes. We will not be a group of friends who are without hope!
We can redirect the conversation from a place of love. Understand that no one is approaching you about your singleness because they want to rub in your face that you do not have something. They are walking toward you because they care. So just be direct... Communication is the key. Being a good communicator on behalf of your own heart is really important. Let's remember that our dating and married friends were at one point single, and they are really trying. They are not trying to be trite or trying to be discouraging. Some of them have been married half their lives, and they do not know what it's like to be single here (at this age). God has heard you every time you pray. He cares about every detail of your life. And it is in His heart to give you the story that will make you have the life that brings Him the most glory and that brings you a lot of joy and moves the gospel forward!
Your feelings can ride, but they don't get to drive. You can feel left out and hurt, but then you tell yourself the truth! No one else is getting what God has for you. Everyone is getting what God has for them. Not one of my friends has married the man I'm supposed to be with. No one is birthing a child that you were meant to birth. No one has been given the gift from God that God has for me. So with some sadness and pain and feelings, I can celebrate what God has given them because I want God to give everyone the thing they want. My story is my story, and God is not messing up my story and doing someone else's right. We have an abundance mindset here: God has enough good things for all of us!
Q: How do I know if I should be dating or if I should just embrace my singleness?
A: What do you want to do? If you want to be dating, be dating. Are you totally happy being single right now? Trust it. Trust your body, trust your heart, trust your mind if you are walking with Jesus. You can trust yourself. And the longer you are a person, the better you'll know yourself. If you don't want to put yourself out there, don't. You are totally welcome to not date again. No one is making you be in relationship if you don't want to be. Trust yourself... You are not going to miss what God has for you if you feel exhausted with dating, if you feel tired of dating, if you are hurt. Overarching, no matter what, you are not going to miss God's best plan for you if you are pursuing God's best plan for you and if you say to Him, I want in my life what You have for me!
When you try to kill hope, you actually kill a lot of other things in you. If you cut off the bottom feelings, you're cutting off the top ones too. And I don't know you, so I cannot imagine why you wouldn't be good enough for someone to marry. Because you are made in the image of God, and you are lovely in a thousand ways. I guarantee that, because God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't make people that are not lovely in many ways.
I think everybody has body image issues. He's not looking for a toned-down version of me or a smaller version of me. When someone is taking you on dates, choose to believe you are attractive to them. Be as healthy as you can, but release the pressure to look a certain way. He wants to be with you, so don't show up trying to be anybody else. Be all the way you!
Let me tell you what is actually true: No one will love me as long or as well as Jesus loves me. And I don't know that I would've known that at 20. But my primary relationship through the rest of my life is with Jesus. Because whoever comes along next will not live my 20s and 30s with me, and they did not know me as a kid, most likely. So I have learned very profoundly that Jesus is the primary relationship of my life! I'm in pretty constant communication with God. I feel so lucky that I can process every moment of every relationship with God... I'm not alone. He's right there with me. So I'm constantly praying because I'm constantly processing. The person you can trust the most to handle your pain the best is God. Be a good communicator with God!
When you're an adult living on your own, you can start thinking about what rhythms you want to have. You may want to spend certain holidays with your friend community. But if you want to be with your family for every holiday, do that! They love you and they know you. It isn't, like, I have to stop being at these holidays in order to be a grown-up. No, you don't. Do what you want to do and what feels healthiest for you! Something I say a lot is: Wherever I am, I am all there. Of course I battle the lie that I'm missing out... and truly, you are missing out on wherever you aren't. So that is not a lie that you're missing out. What you have to deal with is the lie that you are in the wrong place.
I have a sister who is married with a child, and of our group of sibling and cousin relationships, multiple are married, and I'm the oldest. I'm the firstborn of that side of our family. It is hard, and I had to work through some things with God and in counseling. But I worked through them so that by the time we were standing next to each other, there was joy. And I will say again, no one has gotten the spouse that God has for me!
Don't give up on the church because they have not handled your life stage very well. Most of our pastors are men who got married when they were 22. They got married young and went to seminary years ago when singleness was not as prominent in the church as it is now. Most of them don't know what to do. So feel your sadness and disappointment in your local expression of the church not doing what you wish they would... and then start fixing it. The best thing you can do is be a part of the solution. A lot of people are disappointed in the church for different reasons. The solution is, if you want to see something change in the community you live in, start being a part of changing it!
I love my life! I'm content in my life. I also do not have everything I want. Both are actually true... I could live this life as it has grown and changed for the rest of my life. I have things that I really want and I will continue to hope for. So that's how contentment has played out in my life: I have built a life that I love, and I still have things that I want.
All of us could be dating anyone right now if we dated anyone. But there's something you care about that you have not found yet. So keep waiting for the thing you're looking for. If you had no standards, you know today where you could go find someone to date you, to sleep with you, to probably marry you. But that's not what we're looking for. So consider settling - I'd suggest you consider it so that you know why you don't want to!
Your words have the power of life and death. If the context is, I am saying something that is not life-giving because I'm afraid or because I'm hurt, don't speak that stuff out loud. Speak life over yourself: I'm available to relationship. I am working on my mental and emotional and spiritual and physical health, and that is going to make me better in relationship than I would have been yesterday. I am open to meeting someone new. I am available for relationship. I am not married yet, but I hope to be. I do not have kids yet, but I hope to. Using that life-giving language affects the world you live in.
Sometimes I pace back and forth in my hallway, and I say out loud: "God, You are kind. God, You are good. God, You are for me. God, You are working everything out according to Your will. God, You care about every detail of my life." ...And my hope stands on top of those sentences. Every single one of these questions, the question under the question is: Does God love me, and does He see me? And am I going to be okay? So what I would say to you, friends, is God loves you. And God sees you. And you are going to be okay. I promise in the long run, you are going to be okay. There is not one story in my life in any area where I have not been able to look back on when it was done and say, that was God, and that was His kindness... even if I lost a relationship or a person or in tragedy, He still is God, and He is kind! ❤❤❤
~Annie F. Downs, TSF Q&A: Singleness podcast, released on 8-18-21
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