Saturday was the OSU Tulsa football game with Dad and Charlene!
As usual, I barely cared about the football... but I love the game atmosphere, all the waving and chanting, the Friends in Low Places sing-along, laughing with Charlene at the really intense fans, and enjoying the general vibe of the town of Stillwater! This game was on the 20-year anniversary of 9-11, so they had a few video tributes and a segment honoring firemen and such, and I was glad to be there for that too!
We typically go in late October or November, so this game was obnoxiously HOT!! Rainbow snow cones to the rescue! lol They took forever to eat because the ice block was pretty solid, but that was honestly helpful in keeping us cool through the 3rd and 4th quarter, in spite of the minor sunburn on my face and neck! (*OSU won, but Dad says they played poorly. Since they were playing Tulsa, I would've been happy with the ending either way.)
On Friday night, I had dinner with my cousin, Kristin, at the new MWC Swadley's... hooray for baked potatoes with chopped brisket, rolls, mac n' cheese, and creamed corn! (They do overcharge a bit, though, especially since there was a $1.50 upcharge for any meal with brisket.) Anyway, it was great to catch up with Kristin and vent about a few things, as usual, and I'm especially thankful for her support lately!! ❤
My cousin, Blake, is getting married to Wendy on October 2nd (a good day for weddings, apparently), and the Miss K is going to be the flower girl. Their colors are burgundy, champagne, and navy... or an alt-version of red, white, and blue. Here's the beautiful K-Faith trying on some dress options. ❤❤
Her favorite was the blue, but I'm not positive which one they're going with. I just know I adore her twirly preshface self!! lol
The Parrish fam joined us for lunch after church on Sunday, and T-man and I got into a long talk about the Hulu 9-11 documentary, which he has also watched! I'm so glad he watched it - it happened six years before he was born, so I'm thankful for this documentary allowing him to learn about it in more detail. That led to a family discussion about where we all were and what we remember from that morning. Jace asked if that was when the airplanes flew into the Eiffel Tower, and Kyndal remembered it was the "twin towers," not the Eiffel. This = them watching some video footage of that day on Rachael's phone.
On a more personal note, I'm discouraged and unsure about whether God is closing the door to motherhood for me... struggling with whether I'm supposed to accept that and move forward or keep searching for a different path. My current salary + transcript income allows me to live very comfortably, but the cost of a good daycare for one child ($1326 per month) is more than my current mortgage payment, and that doesn't include diapers, formula, and the million other things I would need to buy to furnish my home and adapt my life to the monthly costs of parenting a newborn. I've been vaguely aware that it would be very tight for some time, but I have forced myself to make the phone calls and look at my budget more intently over the past couple weeks. I do not mind the idea of my Dad helping out with the actual costs of adoption and attorney fees (often $20,000+), but I've thought about it a lot, and I am unwilling to live a life where I'm dependent on his generosity month-to-month. That would feel like an unhealthy regression and make every financial decision I made feel more stressful and pressured.
I have considered all angles and Googled things and made phone calls and researched pretty much any option you can think of: including sperm-donor pregnancy, embryo adoption, going through DHS (an undesirable option for multiple reasons), different adoption agencies, self-marketing adoption websites, and more. I have looked into changing jobs, moving to a higher-paying state for court reporters, moving to a smaller home, starting a virtual/remote job, or scoping/proofreading work where I could make additional money, but honestly, a big part of the reason I feel capable of single parenting right now is the low-stress, extra-downtime nature of my job and the current support circle of friends I have built in the Tulsa area... so if I'm moving to a state where I have no support network or working a second job to be able to afford everything, then I'm an overstressed and overworked single mom less likely to have the emotional stamina, peace, patience, and quality time I would hope to provide as a loving and involved parent. Blarg. The adjustment to single parenting itself will be hard enough without adding several extra layers of financial stress. I'm a practical person, and my home will be paid off in less than five years, so maybe I just postpone it all until then. But my biological clock for motherhood would logically be over at that point; and the adoption process can sometimes take years; and statistically speaking, birth moms are choosing abortion or keeping their own children more and more; and when they do choose to place their child for adoption, single women are far less likely to be selected than two-parent families. So maybe I shift my focus and seek purpose and try to add value to the lives of children in other ways, like aunthood and the mini-BFFs or planning a meaningful career change. I'm tired and uncertain, and I don't love that it's fully on me to make this major decision. Well, me and God. I need to pray and trust Him and follow after peace.
I watched this sermon (about the 10-year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis) by Matt Chandler again over the weekend, and it was encouraging... particularly this quote by Tim Keller...
Whew, that's all I've got for today.
Hope your week is off to a less complicated start! lol
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