Summer Book Reviews!

Happy summer reading, friends!!

Life is busy lately, so I'm taking it slower on books.  I listened to the top two in June and the bottom two this month...

1.  Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication by Vanessa Van Edwards

I found Vanessa through Craig Groeschel's Leadership Podcast!  This book was truly fantastic - I now have two printed copies in addition to the audiobook (I bought one and Mom bought one for me after we talked about it). lol  

To sum it up:  Charisma = warmth + competence.  People tend to assume men are competent, so when men make the extra effort to be warm (kind, friendly, caring), they are deemed "charismatic."  And people tend to expect warmth from women while unjustly viewing them as less competent than men, so women would do well to press into their self-respect and competence *without letting go of warmth and kindness.*  Anyway, Vanessa explains all of that more thoroughly, then she gives several insightful and very practical ways to signal warmth, competence, and self-confidence through your expressions, gestures, vocal cues, image cues, and written communication.  (My natural tendency is probably 90% warmth cues - I'm not deliberately dumbing myself down, but I doubt myself and hesitate to speak up more often than I should, so I want to work on creating a more competent and respect-worthy balance there - to stop playing it small, so to speak.)  Vanessa offers helpful hints and little tricks to stay calm, create a strong first impression, cultivate connection, and build a more purposeful presence!  I'm already reading through this one again, slowly.

Short Video with Vanessa on Job Interview Tips: 

 

2.  Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson, MD

A CCU recommendation... this book integrates neuroscience with Christian psychology.  It was well-written and theologically solid, and he emphasized empathy and healing old wounds.  Still, the overall focus was more scientific and clinical than I would have preferred.  Clearly competent, but it needed a warmer balance. =)

Favorite Quote:  "Approximately 80 percent of emotional conflict between couples is rooted in events that predate the couple knowing each other... How much of the conflict is not so much a direct outgrowth of a current event as something that flows from parts of your mind that are remembering?"

3.  Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke, PhD

Another CCU recommendation that was more scientific than I'd prefer, but since it's a more recent read, I remember more from it.  My main takeaway is that children need to have an internal sense of safety in order to learn and behave well... and that sense of safety must be built through relational connection with caring adults (or a caring God if every adult fails them, but that's me adding that part because I have to hold some hope for kids in dire situations surrounded by evil adults).  Anyway, she emphasized the importance of being attuned to their needs and self-regulating our adult emotions in order to help children calm down and move through strong emotions.  It was well-written and a well-timed read for me.

Favorite Quote:  "He surely wanted to do well, but his traumatized brain made it difficult for him to learn and behave, through no fault of his own.  As his connection with Mary makes clear, the way to help shift children from a default of threat to safety is by rebuilding their sense of safety in relationships... Those exposed to trauma have additional emotional vulnerability.  These children often exhibit extreme and unpredictable behavioral challenges, so we need to proceed with more caution and precision... Consistency in relationships matters. The essential factor in helping children who suffer from the effects of toxic stress and trauma is to build or rebuild trust in human relationships.  We use that which was absent and originally contributed to the trauma - caring adults to rescue the child - to begin the healing process while we create new memories of safety and protection to begin to build up the child's sense of trust... Our best response is to increase, not decrease cues of relational engagement and safety.  To help challenged children, there is no substitute for attuned relationships!"

(She talked a lot about color pathways - paying attention to whether a child is feeling safe and fully engaged, upset and agitated, or dissociating and shutting down.   Quiet blue is often mistaken for green, and it's a more significant problem than most people recognize.)

4.  Reset: Powerful Habits to Own Your Thoughts, Understand Your Feelings, & Change Your Life by Debra Fileta, M.A., LPC  (*I'll be able to put those initials after my name someday soon-ish!!)

A shorter read that was really good and hopeful.  I'll let this quote speak for itself:

Favorite Quote:  "In the first stage, the behavior you want to change still seems to be more desirable than change itself.  That slice of cake is more desirable than your physical health.  That extra 15 minutes of sleep is more desirable than 15 minutes in God's Word. That sexual fantasy is more desirable than authenticity with your spouse.  But now, we're in contemplation stage, and things are starting to shift. We're starting to change the way we see our lives and our behaviors.  Our perspective is transforming, so we no longer see the behavior as the reward, but the possibility of changing as the reward.  Because the reward is in the change.  Being healthy, strong, and at our ideal weight becomes more desirable than that slice of cake.  Getting filled up and refreshed by God's Word more desirable than a little extra sleep.  Enjoying deep intimacy with our spouse more desirable than the temporary rush of porn.  The reward has shifted to the other side. Your brain begins to respond to the new perceived reward, and it's now more desirable than the unhealthy behavior!  It takes work to get to this phase of change - mental work.  We've got to start changing the way we see our behavior, stacking the pile in favor of change, being intentional to identify the ways in which not changing is holding us back.  We've got to take a  serious look at the question Jesus posed at the pool of Bethesda: 'Do you want to get well?'  If we can answer with a resounding: 'Yes, I really want to get well!' and conceptualize why change is better than staying the same, we are one huge step closer to getting there!"

P.S.  On my long drive to Chet's party in Tulsa, I had a potential book idea, and by the end of the drive, I had an outline with chapter titles!  To boil it down, it's about overcoming apathy and self-focus in order to fight for what really matters... and it feels like a topic that meets a legitimate societal need and has enough personal connection and passion to keep me writing, so YAY for that!! ❤