Lost Things

Well, I finished Levi's book tonight (late Monday night), a perfect end to a restful 3-day weekend.

Levi Wilkins:  A beloved husband, father, friend, mentor, firefighter, author, mountain climber, marathon runner, stage 4 adrenal cancer survivor, a fellow Oklahoman, and a brother in Christ.  I knew of him through my cousin, Ashley, and I prayed and donated to their family during his arduous cancer journey.  Having never met the Wilkins fam in person, I felt connected after following his blog for a couple years...

I was shocked and sad to hear that Levi was killed in a mountain climbing accident in September 2023.  The more I've reflected on that, particularly after reading this book, the more I see God working through this story.

While battling cancer, Levi wrote several essays he intended to publish in a book.  Posthumously, his friend, Doug, took on finishing that project for him, adding forewords and reflections by close friends, along with the eulogy speech and a few photos at the end of the book.  

Levi's words are thought-provoking, poignant, real, funny, and inspiring.  In the midst of deep suffering and internal wrestling, he consistently returns to the light of Christ and the hope of the Gospel.  These essay chapters are not in chronological order, but in the order Levi wanted them read... it adds an interesting element, like watching a show that flips back and forth between different years and seasons in the character's life.  All things considered, this book is rich and hopeful, and I highly recommend it! ❤

Levi's wife and children visiting the place where he fell...
Praying for God's abundant grace in their lives!

Some highlights and favorite quotes:

A climbing friend describing him: "he continued to live his life in big, awe-inspiring ways; not flippantly approaching risk, but embracing it boldly and responsibly."

Levi's introduction:  "I was not supposed to be a patient or victim. In fact, I was the guy who swept into other people's lives when they had problems, and then I made things better... But then: cancer... May these notes enable you to continue placing one foot in front of the other when the unexpected happens in the midst of this crazy, beautiful, heart-breaking thing we call life... To those curious souls who are either bold enough or naïve enough to look into the dark night of the soul and search for the light within: read on."

Awaiting the first surgery:  "I have fought it my entire life, but now my struggle is at an end. I am called to love Him more... At ten o'clock last night I gave up the thing that is most dear to me - my family - in exchange for Christ. He is taking care of them anyway, and much more so than I ever could.  I will lie down on that cold operating table tomorrow morning in peace... To the pure, all things are pure."

"This week, I've been broken by both pain and despair... unable to help my family move through life, I felt discarded because of my brokenness, an island of purposelessness amidst the swirl of a family's life... I try to wrap up all of my thoughts with a neat bow on top just like my writing, but the truth is sometimes I'm just shattered inside, despite all desire to the contrary. But I think the Gospel has a lot to say about broken things and purpose."

"I found that the hardest part of the whole experience was looking out at the huge monstrosity that is the suffering ahead. I could handle this moment's suffering easily enough, but not all of it at once... Maybe I should stay there, then, and not let my head get the better of me by trying to melodramatically bring all of the oncoming suffering into the field of view all at once."

"'So what's it like having Stage 4 Cancer?' Nobody has asked me this question. I'm going to answer it anyway." lol

"I'm not worried this is the end or anything.  It feels more like a bump in the road, an inconvenience that we'll make it through... But what if this is it?  What if this is how my story ends?  It's a shitty ending, really.  Totally unoriginal. He died of cancer. Oh, how sad."  *I love that he overcame cancer and got a better ending. He loved others well and lived with an adventurous and ambitious spirit. He wrote an inspiring book, and he died doing something he loved, climbing a mountain with friends!

"It's easy to look at the pale, drawn faces and the IVs filled with poison and see only death at work here, but the truth is that a lot of life happens here, too.  It's just harder to see - So here's to hoping things aren't as they seem, that there's radiance and beauty hidden just beneath the surface... I think it's there, and I sure hope to see it."

'That really is its own form of suffering - just a fear that I'm forever somehow just diminished. Like I'm less me than I was before."

Planning his next climb:  "I know it's ambitious. A lot of things have to fall into place just so for me to beat cancer and have time to get into shape to make that happen. But if you only ever make little plans, how are you ever going to do great things?"

"I'm scared of my upcoming surgery - after all, my pancreas, stomach, intestines, kidney, and adrenal gland are all up for grabs - but I'm trying to hope.  I'm trying to remember that, despite the indifference and occasional darkness of life, there's meaning in every moment and that, when death finally does come, whether it be soon or far off in the future, there's goodness on the other side. After all, the stars burn brightest in the blackest of night."

Mid-way through chemo:  "So when I say I'm doing well, I really mean it.  Even cancer people are allowed to have good days! I'll admit, at first I did feel an obligation to be defined by and dedicated to this cancer thing.  But I read somewhere that it's okay to be okay.  So I've given myself the freedom to do just that... And when I'm in the mist of one of these valleys, I'll be honest with you if you ask about it.  Because that's the main thing that cancer is teaching me - how to be honest and authentic, both with myself and others."

"The thing about fear is that it disturbs our ideas of what should be... but I'll bet God knows better than we do what should be, and He's driving this ship whether we like it or not."

"My body is dying, and quickly, but my soul has never been more alive.  Today, I am thankful for my wounds."

"I've spent a lot of time in this place, and right now I'm tired of it.  But thank God that all storms pass.  And in the meantime, I hold fast..."

"This all comes to an end someday, and whatever it is you think happens afterward begins. I don't say it to sound morbid, I say it to bring hope. Now is the time to forgive. Now is the time to live. Now is the time to do something you always wanted but never thought you could. Money comes and goes, jobs are fleeting, and the grass on your front lawn will keep growing back.  So take a risk and love people and be vulnerable with them.  Don't just exist, but live abundantly.... This is your one and only shot. Make it count."

Victory:  "An hour ago I rang the bell at the cancer center, meaning I'm finished with treatment... Everything has changed for me this morning, but for all these people it's just Wednesday... Life is funny like that.  Every day is somebody's biggest day ever, and every day is just another day for so many other people. It's all just part of the beautiful, chaotic life that we lead... I love it all so much, and I'm so glad I get to see more of it."

In his third round of chemo:  "Is that sad, or is it the grace of God that such suffering no longer seems extraordinary?"

Awaiting surgery:  "I think that maybe now, sitting up in the middle of the night because I can't sleep for thinking about all the terrible things that might occur two days from now, God is asking me to believe in stupid things too.  He's asking me to believe that good still happens in a broken world and that, at the end of all this, there's more beauty to be found than we can even imagine.  He's asking me to believe that He is for me and that I am loved despite my deepest doubts and that He can see me through even this.  He's asking me to believe that He is so good that one day we'll look back on this shit world and it won't even matter that much in comparison to the glory that surrounds us."

~Levi Wilkins

❤