I've set a goal to host 25 "Friday Night Dinners" with my group of friends over the next 7 months!! I'm really jumping in with both feet here, and I'm excited to see how it goes! Nothing super fancy - I am sending an email on Monday with the menu and mini-topic for that week, then people can let me know by Wednesday if they can make it! I'm probably going to have to buck up and experiment and try some new recipes. There will still be times when we order pizza or do an easy potluck, but I'll mostly try to cook dinner for whoever comes. There are 15 people invited, and the group size will obviously vary from week to week depending who can make it. Cooking and cleaning house every week will certainly be a bit of a new challenge, but the far bigger shift will be internal...
I am being more intentional about being a better friend. More positive, consistent, and vulnerable (the 3 elements of healthy friendship, according to Shasta Nelson, whose book I just ordered). After two besties-gone-bad combined with a few other toxic relational situations, I have gradually become very reluctant in friendships and struggled with feeling inadequate, like I am clearly not up to the task of forming and keeping healthy friendships, like something is fundamentally flawed inside me and I should just spare people the burden of getting close. I've had good friends all along, thank God, but I've been internally bracing up for another failure and pushing myself to hold certain things back and be strong enough to handle life and make decisions without having to really depend on my friendships. It's not that my friends haven't been there, but that I haven't fully been myself with them. I was upset and venting to Mom recently, then I heard myself say, "But I obviously can't bring it up 'cause Lord knows I can't afford to lose another friend!" So yeah, it's been hard and lonely a lot of the time (as I ironically write this to an audience of no one because I've also made this blog private). I've become hesitant to share my own story or let my heart get too personally involved with anyone, so much so that Vulnerability was my lowest-rated score on the "Friendtimacy Quiz" on Shasta's website. =( That was a wakeup call. Intimacy and connection are things I HIGHLY value, but I've nearly lost that in the midst of toughening up to protect myself from future pain. God gave me a sensitive heart to care for and love and treasure people, to dive deep in relationships, to be brave and vulnerable and loyal and kind, to be there for others and encourage them, to need and deeply value their support in my life!! ♡ That is all part of my beautiful, God-given heart and purpose that I have not guarded very well... but I am determined now that I will not let Satan steal or destroy it!
I listened to a podcast last week where Shasta Nelson, a psychologist who studies the importance of close friendships, talked about loneliness being a huge factor that negatively impacts our health. How having a supportive network of people to help buffer the many stresses of life essentially bolsters us and negates the effects of major life stress on our bodies. There was a lot more to it, but that concept really stuck with me. We are not made to do life alone, (as much as I have been tempted to try sometimes). Part of choosing life is choosing to engage in close relationships. It's not that I have to find a husband and get married - that may or may not ever happen. But having solid friends that I invest in and share my heart with is massively important, to me and to God. People who know me well and love me in spite of my flaws. A group of people who support each other through the ups and downs of life. Relationships have always been important to me - I've just believed the enemy's lies that I must be no good at them and should give up trying, that people are not worth the effort because they will probably let you down in the end. But I am fighting that now and fighting for healthy, fun friendships with depth and shared faith!
I fully understand how I got here, so I'm giving myself a lot of grace for that!!
And now I'm going to pick up and start fresh from here. I want to deliberately create space in my heart and in my home for the joy of community -- for good food, close friends, and great conversation!! =) I may not be an experienced chef or hostess, but I can open my home and make people feel welcome and comfortable. I can listen and make them feel seen and heard and appreciated. I'm going with Ashley Campbell and Shauna Niequist's "present over perfect" thing. I will do my best to be fully present and engaged in the conversation rather than worried about perfecting every minor detail with the house and food and table. I've read books and stories about the beauty of community meals, and I have always adored the idea of having people I love gathered around my very own table, but felt like I had to wait until I was married or a better cook or more prepared somehow. It's just not true. So I am starting this very Friday, committing to weekly dinners through the next 7 months, and I think it's gonna be fantastic!!
♡❤♡
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