Hi, friends and fam! What a week it has been. I have a lot on my mind and my thoughts are a jumbled mess, so please bear with me while I sort it out on the keyboard and find some cathartic relief here...
Last Sunday, exactly one week ago today, Mom and JoBug + Rach and J&K went to visit Babah at Mercy Hospital, and the general consensus was that she was improving and looking better. That she was bouncing back, as per usual. On Monday, September 11th (easy date to remember), Babah returned to The Veraden and was quickly placed on Hospice care, to all of our surprise. Their Hospice team was fantastic and caring, and they got her these lovely flowers.
On Wednesday morning, we got a text that she had a fever and was declining, then around 3:00, Mom called to tell me the Hospice nurses said if we wanted to see Babah alive again, we should come as soon as possible. WOW. I talked with Judge and Cheryl and left work to head to Edmond. (*I was quickly aware that the timing closely mirrored what had happened with Grandad... Mom called me at work on an uneventful Wednesday during Jury Term on the day he died - exact same scenario here, just a different courthouse and a closer drive. Why my mind remembers stuff like that, I'm not positive, but it made me feel even more like she was likely to die that day.) Anyway, obviously, we all rushed over to The Veraden to see her. She was asleep the entire time we were there, heavily sedated on comfort meds. JoBug told me she might open her eyes if I speak loud enough, then basically yelled, "Lindsey's here!!" lol Mess. I did not yell or attempt to wake her. We all talked about various memories and stories. Emily teared up talking about how she wished Babah had lived long enough to meet Asher (her baby boy on the way) but understood that she wanted to get back to Grandad, (a sentiment we've since learned that Babah had expressed to multiple people the week before all of this went down). JoBug and Mom and I talked about certain funeral details and gift ideas for Babah's good friends there. The sense of anticipation of death was heavy and uneasy, and Babah being asleep and unresponsive increased the feeling that she was already gone. I think all of us assumed that would be her last day on earth as we were there. I reluctantly left around 5:40 to run home in the nick of time for my super-mandatory Practicum Zoom class from 6:30-8:00 every Wednesday...
I took this photo while walking to my car that night (my car, then Mom's, Dad's, and Rachael's). For whatever reason, it struck me as poignant that it was probably the last time I would see all of our cars there at The Veraden... although now we've decided to have the Memorial Service there, so that wasn't quite true. lol
I know Wednesday night to Saturday afternoon doesn't really sound that long, but those waiting days were actually very strange and emotionally difficult/draining, and it gives me a new perspective on the challenges of the hospice season. To get that call and all be a bit on edge knowing that she's unlikely to improve and basically in a medically-induced coma (constantly sedated to keep her comfortable), feeling in a sort of helpless limbo while waiting for her to die was hard. And odd. And made it more of a relief when we got the call that she died on Saturday (which was also true with Grandad's death - they both lived good, long lives and were genuinely ready to go in the end, and that helped to prepare us all). Anyway, in those eery waiting days, no one was sleeping well, most especially JoBug...
When Grandad was on his deathbed in August 2019, JoBug gently assured him that he could go, and that he didn't have to worry because we would take care of Babah. So she wanted to honor that promise and be sure that Babah would not die alone... she slept on a floor mattress using a towel as a pillow at The Veraden on Wednesday night... she slept there again on Thursday, then firmly insisted on staying again on Friday (I volunteered multiple times to come and stay Friday night, but I think she felt that she really needed to be there - I believe I would feel the same way in that situation). Mom came and stayed with Babah while the kids were at school on Thursday and Friday. I sincerely applaud their efforts and their caretaking in all of this. Anyway, in one of their midnight chats, JoBug told the Hospice nurses about Grandad dying when she left the living room briefly to take a phone call, and two different nurses told her that Babah might also be 'waiting' for her to leave, not wanting to die with her right there - they suggested JoBug should speak loudly and tell Babah she was going home for a bit and would be back later that night. So she took their advice and did just that on Saturday morning. And the nurses called to let us know that Babah had died at 12:30 that day. I don't know how much truth there is to that theory or whether Babah had any internal awareness of who was there with her, but I do fully believe they both know and appreciate the heart behind JoBug's efforts now (in heaven).
I know she's been understandably emotional and has cried a lot, but JoBug has also been the comic relief of the weekend. So many funny quotes that might not be blog-appropriate. lol She called Mom (on speakerphone) and animatedly told us, "Even in death, she had to be difficult! Who knew I spent all this freaking time with her, and she was just waiting for me to LEAVE!??" Then she followed that up with how she might seem drunk but she'd only had a little vodka and was just exhausted (which I'm sure was verrrry true, but her delivery was all just funny). lol
Anyway, here are a few photos from Babah's better days... them meeting for lunch when Audie was in town this year - the DeBusks have stellar timing and are good at following God's promptings, as they came to see Babah just a few months back, and they had made a surprise visit to see her and Grandad just a few months before his stroke.
Audie (a beloved nephew she helped raise and protect) and Babah
A fun Easter pic from this year of them celebrating their cute matchy shirts. =)
Our only two group photos from Hawaii (that I know of). This trip was in 2000, my sophomore year of high school... lots of good memories, and I'm excited to visit it again soon!
The photo we've decided on for her Memorial Service program. ❤ It was a classic, subtle white-on-white pic, but Mom did not care for that look, so we've changed up the background a bit on Canva! ...In cars and in photos and on walls, Mom is a big fan of COLOR! lol
A pic from the 2018 DeBusk Reunion at Gaillardia... which Babah and Grandad used as a Thanksgiving card that year (which was his last Thanksgiving with us)! ❤
Forevermore, the anniversary of Babah's death will also mark 100 days until Christmas. Not something most people would care about, but I had the meme saved from years past. lol
Writing her Obituary last night was interesting for me. I always enjoy writing, and everything in it is true, but there is so much more to the story, as there always is when you try to narrow someone's life synopsis down to one page. I wanted a solid opener, and I felt like I hit the nail on the head when I thought of the word formidable to describe her - impressive, inspiring, and "having qualities that discourage approach or attack." lol
My personal relationship with Babah was... complicated. I love and adore feisty, bold women... always have, always will - and I'm striving to become more like them in many ways. But I am also tenderhearted and sensitive to criticism, working hard to correct unhealthy thought patterns... and although she softened a bit in the end, through much of her life, Babah tended to speak her mind and offer criticism fairly carelessly... which often put me on edge around her, wondering if there might be another negative comment on my weight or my singleness or my Bell's Palsy eye or whatever else. It was a level of guarded self-consciousness that I am very thankful not to feel around most people. Yet at the very same time, I love her and have many good memories from big trips and Sunday lunches and childhood fun with her. I will miss her laughter and her smiles, I know and believe she loves me and wants the best things in life for me, I'm appreciative of all the kind and generous things she has done for us, and I genuinely admire her for all that she has survived and overcome in life (a long list which includes real poverty and sexual assault, but I left that out of the more public obituary). Watching Mad Men a few years back really made me think about how Babah grew up in a more entrenched patriarchal society where women were consistently undervalued and mistreated, and I love that she had the inner grit to fight through that rubbish and build a successful career and a meaningful life for herself. I adore that she protected vulnerable kids from bullying peers and abusive adults. I love that she bought me a "You're too good for him" mug after hearing about JMM's letter in 2007. And I fully understand that the thin-ideal and the toxic weight-based-personal-value concept was painfully ingrained in her by others when she was a young girl before she passed it on to those under her influence. That is the blessing and the curse of that personality type - they lead so well and speak with adamant authority about everything, but when they are wrong, there is real damage and it takes a while for others to sort that out and see things clearly. See? Complicated.
Anyway, as I was pondering all of this and thinking about her today, the best comparison I could come up with was the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey. She's many people's favorite character on that show, full of strong opinions, sarcastic wit, boundless self-confidence, an unexpected soft-side, and a stubborn streak. As a woman who regularly speaks her mind, she has many allies as well as many enemies, but she doesn't mind that or spend much time worrying about those who disagree with her. And Babah is a modern-day version of all that, with the added tenacity that comes from earning her way up the ladder rather than inheriting great wealth.
Mom, JB, Rach, and I spent this afternoon at the Barnes & Friederich Funeral Home planning for the coming viewing, memorial service, death certificate, burial details, etc. Then we all came back to Mom and Dad's to discuss the songs, the slideshow photos, etc. The funeral home director had several questions on the paperwork he was filling out. One asked her highest level of education, to which JoBug answered, "GED... and a Masters from the University of Hard Knocks." lol Lots of other interesting conversations were had. Somewhere in there, it was decided that I will lead or "officiate" the more private graveside service (mostly reading the obituary and a few verses I will prepare). Over the next week... in addition to graduate school homework, a growing pile of transcripts, two jury trials, and getting in my hours for interning at Restore... I'll also be helping Mom and JB plan for Emily's baby shower next weekend and Babah's service the following Tuesday. And of course, that stresses me when I think about it all at once, but it will all be doable when I take it one step at a time... Note to self: "Today's trouble is enough for today," God is more than enough, and YOU CAN DO THIS...
I'm sure it sounds grief-related, and the mix of grief and exhaustion never helps anything, but this sense of foreboding/pressure has been building in me for a while now... I feel an irrational sense of defeat and an exhausted pull to give up lately -- a craving to literally just quit everything (grad school, adoption goals, health goals, etc.) -- to pull out and numb out and admit that it's all more than I can handle. (Which it may technically be, but not when I view it with God's help and the support system He has given me, and taking things one day at a time). I do understand that the timing of all this is not coincidental, as I am supposed to begin counseling clients soon. So I need to be more serious about praying through these spiritual attacks in this season, focusing up and moving forward in the strength and authority that is mine through Jesus. Annnnyway, I took a 20-minute walk this morning and was happy to see my cheesy temporary-forearm-tattoo encouragement. "This" being generally moving forward in life. lol I need the reminder this week.
The Peloton calendar today was a Dolly Parton walk... it began with "Coat of Many Colors," a song I really love that made me think about Babah sewing lots of clothes for us when we were young kids, as well as making the best of truly challenging circumstances and financial poverty when her own kids were little and she was still a teenager - (seriously, when she was my age, Mom and JoBug were both in college, and that seems crazy to me). In the middle of that walk was "5 to 9," a cute new remix of Dolly's "9 to 5" song, celebrating people who are working after-hours with passion and vision to better their lives with a meaningful career change, so I appreciated and enjoyed that! Then the final song (ahh, finally coming to my point) was Dolly's version of "I Will Always Love You," a powerful song she actually wrote. As someone on YouTube commented, "Listen to Dolly's original version when your heart is breaking, and listen to Whitney's version when you're ready to move on... I don't know why, but you can feel the difference." It's true. I adore Dolly's lyrics, but her voice is rough for me. Still, I felt those familiar lyrics more deeply as I thought about Babah's perspective today...
There are some bittersweet memories for most of us here, which is probably always true when someone you love dies. But I fully believe that in Heaven, there will only be good memories and redemptive perspective on anything painful. And I believe our loved ones there now have hearts that are fully aligned with God's heart toward us, and I find so much comfort in that - it's part of why we can grieve with hope, knowing our relationships in heaven will be restored and healthier than ever. Babah's earthly journey was often difficult, and she was resilient, but sometimes too stubborn for her own good. Hurting people hurt people, and there was unhealed pain in her that sometimes manifested in ways that damaged those closest to her. I was self-protective around her for valid reasons as she was not always a safe person for me, but I feel great compassion for her brokenness and great love for her as a person, (and that all mirrors how I feel about Malori). I am so thankful to know Babah is free now from all the things that caused her physical and emotional pain here!! She can keep that fiery boldness and quick wit we all love, but forever let go of the defensiveness and razor-sharp edges.
So as I'm facing some increased spiritual warfare in this new season, I sincerely pray that I will inherit Babah's fiercely resilient spirit and her strong will to press in and navigate and overcome hard things... that those qualities would stay alive within me as I take the advice to "be the things you love most about the people who are gone!" I also sincerely pray that any hurtful comments or destructive beliefs she promoted will quietly die with her and have no further grip or power over anyone here (and I know she would join me in that hope right now).
May God's grace cover us day by day, and may we find healing and renewed strength here on earth, just as Babah has now found it in heaven!! ❤❤
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