There was a season in my early 20s where I believed that being depressed and/or in despair made me a deeper thinker and writer, feeling somehow superior to people who seemingly float through life unscathed (which no one really does). Unsurprisingly, all of this faux-depth and angst and desperation tied in with the season of unrequited love for JMM. In one particularly unhealthy friendship, this other girl and I would listen to sad, dark songs while reading our weekly horoscopes and talking about inappropriate things and venting and lamenting about him choosing a girl we viewed as more shallow and surface-level, probably because she was out enjoying her life! Looking back, I can see that it was a thick fog of deception, and I'm so grateful God helped me climb out of it.
From the obnoxious title and cover pic to the melodramatic music and lyrics, Taylor Swift's latest double-album is a sharp reminder of that season for me. (I listened through part of each song one time, and I won't be adding any of them to my library.)
At her core, I believe Taylor is a loving, joyful, sparkly, fun, pink glitter and sequins and friendship bracelets kind of girl. Her positivity, resilience, shine, and confidence are part of what myself and other long-time fans love about her. There is a lot of intelligence and emotional depth to her, as well, but I know from paying attention that she's been raked over the coals for being too perky, too shallow, too friendly, too excitable, etc. So it seems she's caving to critical pressure and doing a full pendulum swing here, trying to prove she has depth by churning out this Adele-style dark, depressing, overdramatic, hyper-sensual album where she uses the F-word way too often and throws in terrible metaphors and murder fantasies and black-and-white videos that start with her locked up in a psych ward. I see it, I get it, I am intimately and absurdly familiar with the dynamic of what she's trying to create... and it's all a hard pass for me.
No to the dark "tortured poets" title and the sensual, faceless album cover and the casual use of Biblical metaphors for the sake of added drama (like saying she would have died for his sins but he's crucifying her about a toxic guy who she was covering for who eventually betrayed her). And no to dwelling so hard on those old betrayals and grudges and the darkest parts of your past when you're actually thriving in a much better and happier season now. Move. forward!
I've seen posts where I do think some Christians are overreacting to it all, which is a fairly predictable pattern for the church -- I do not believe she is adamantly anti-Christian or a witch or any of that, and I'm not 'canceling' her or saying I'm no longer a fan, but I do see very clearly that this album carries a lot more darkness than light, and I'm so uninterested in consuming or emulating or being associated with that. More importantly, I am hopeful that her many younger fans and/or their parents will reject this one. As a long-time Swiftie, I still love and appreciate what I believe to be the real T-Swift, and I'm confident she won't stay under this dark vibe forever -- as she's clearly trying to prove a stupid point to people who won't like her anyway and critics whose negative opinions have not dimmed or diminished her glittery Eras-tour success. But what we consume affects us, and I'm not following her down this familiar foggy road. I sincerely hate the idea of kids who are feeling pain or loneliness sitting in a dark room listening to this darker album, believing it makes them deep and mysterious while spiraling toward feeling depressed or suicidal and/or deeply misunderstood. I've written about it before, but there really is a disturbing cultural pressure around this dark energy for artists who want to be taken seriously... the deceptive allure of belittling joy and embracing despair is real, and the fruit of it is terribly destructive.
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Over and over in the Psalms, David goes through bouts of darkness and depression and letting himself vent and really feel those emotions (yay for validating that), but then he models repeatedly turning back to God and reminding ourselves of truth. I'm joining him in the hopeful poets department... being honest about the hard things, but encouraging myself with deeper truth.
"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? HOPE in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God!" ~Psalm 42:11
"Jesus restores my soul (renews my strength; revives my life). He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me!" ~Psalm 23:3-4
I've been watching a show on Facebook this week called Sorry for Your Loss. It stars Elizabeth Olsen, who I adore, and it focuses on her grief journey and all the mixed emotions there after the death of her husband. It is very well done, heartbreaking and relatable.
One of the characters on the show struggles with depression, and he describes the experience in a way that hit home for me (and many, many others according to the comments): "She thinks it's like a fog because someone described it like that in an article or something, but that's not how it feels to me. It's the opposite. It feels like a bracing wind that blows the fog away and reveals the whole truth of the world underneath. And everyone else is in the fog. They can't see it, but I can. And it's all ugly and hopeless. The disease isn't dangerous because it tells me lies; the disease is dangerous because it tells me the truth."
I absolutely understand what he's saying there. Particularly through the past year, there is so much pain and loss and suffering in the world, and people who are more naturally sensitive and empathetic feel it when those around them are hurting or anxious or numb or just filled with anger they don't know how to process. It's a lot. It can feel overwhelming and paralyzing sometimes. And yes, it can feel like most of the people who seem happy all the time are living in a fog and being a bit fake and insensitive and ignorant to the deep suffering around them...
But I had to remind myself yesterday that there is a deeper level of truth at play here. There's the surface-level happiness of people who are oblivious to the pain of others and working to numb their own pain. There's the melancholy near-depression angst of those who are aware of the darkness around them and trying to live constantly aware of that reality. And then there is the REAL and deep joy and resiliency of those who understand that the darkness and suffering are real, but also know that we have an unshakable and eternal hope through Jesus. That there is a light that shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it. That at the deepest level, we are seen and loved and valued even when we feel most alone and forgotten and insignificant.
I won't go into too much detail here, but I needed that reminder. John Eldredge talks about the major and minor themes in Scripture... saying that the minor theme is suffering, disappointment, loss, and darkness. But the major theme is resurrection, life, breakthrough, and triumph. Both are a part of our lives, and both matter. Our culture and the pandemic and other losses we've all experienced can make it tempting to major in the minors... to put too much attention on the darkness. But we do not grieve like those who are without hope. God is light, and there is no darkness in Him. Let us press on to know Him. ❤
His Peace guards our hearts and passes human understanding.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of His great mercy, He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in Heaven for you." ~1 Peter 1:3-4
P.S. That golf course (photo below) is fully restored and back to being green and vibrant and full of life now... I'm praying this whole post resonates and speaks hope to anyone who needs an extra dose of it today!!
❤
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