Dreaming Out Loud...

Right now, everyone is thinking about goals for the coming year...  I have five, and they're all good, but typical "resolutions."  Lose weight, read the Bible, join a prayer group.  But my dreams... if money and the opinions of people didn't matter, what does my heart really want?

I want to write.  I love to write.  I want to write blogs (and eventually books) that are deep and genuine and speak to the heart.  I want to draw near to God and inspire others to come up higher in their walk with Him, to seek Him, to KNOW His heart, to fully surrender to Him.  I want to eventually speak to women, to encourage and strengthen them to become the powerful, beautiful women God wants them to be... I hope to someday hold a position of leadership in a church or ministry and have the opportunity to fight for the women God has entrusted me to lead.  To fight for them in prayer, and to live my life with such integrity that I will be a testimony of a woman who loves and honors the Lord and respects herself and God's standards enough to be unwilling to compromise.  I am certainly not perfect, but I'm determined to live a life that brings glory to God and inspires those around me.  So yes, I want to be an author and possibly a speaker eventually... to strengthen and encourage and uplift other women!

Secondly, (and it's hard to write about because I've been subconsciously tuning it out lately...) I want love and marriage.  I want to love someone and to be loved as deeply as human beings are capable of loving.  I want to be thought of as lovely, to be desired and pursued.  To be beautiful and seen, to be the bride!  I want a man who is not passive toward or intimidated by the depths of my heart... who cares enough to listen and learn the details and keep getting to know me better as we go along.  I want passion and romance!  A man that I can really be myself with and laugh with and have fun together.  Someone faithful who will fight alongside me for the kingdom of Christ!  I want a man with integrity, strength, and depth... a love that is true and devoted. ❤

As a woman of God, my heart is strong and beautiful... a force to be reckoned with. It is soft and gentle, but also courageous and fierce.  God has given me (and all women) the ability to build up, to nurture, to love, to comfort, to encourage, and to pour out strength and hope into those around me.  I am relational to the core, and I want a passionate, God-centered marriage. Someone to fight for and to walk beside me!

"Deeper than words, the deepest truth,
As deep as the eyes that see through you
Eyes that see down to your soul, 
The good and bad, and love the whole.
Love with abandon, true and fierce,
Only to deepen over the years.
A love that bids my heart to stay,
Quelling the fear that drives me away."
~Anna Hammond

As for what I want to do with my life, I tend to think in emotion and spiritual terms rather than cold, hard facts.  What do I want to do?  I want to live with joy and peace, to love passionately, to inspire those around me, to encourage everyone I can, to help and pray with those who are in need, to cry with those who are hurting, and to celebrate and laugh with those who are happy!  I want the abundant life Jesus speaks of -- to know God deeply and experience the joy and fulfillment available in a healthy Christian marriage!

My heart is whole and healed and complete in Christ, and I have grown so much in my identity in Him. My heart belongs to the Lord, and my desires are coming from His Spirit... the God who ordained marriage in the first place... and in the deepest part of my heart, I long for a relationship... for a husband.  I want to be the one who welcomes him home, the one whose smile makes his day seem a bit brighter, whose encouragement gives him the courage to do what God has called him to do!  And most importantly, the one whose prayers bring divine intervention and protection in his life. 

Marriage is not and will never again be a "goal" for me (something I try to force in my own strength), but it is certainly a major part of my heart's desire, and I don't want to ignore or forget about that.  I have a deep walk with God, loving parents, many wonderful friendships, a great job, and a fabulous home with several nice things... I am very blessed, and genuinely, I'm thankful to God for every bit of it! =)

But still, I want (and am praying for) more.  As Vivian says in Pretty Woman, "I want the fairy tale."

Bourne!!

So Rach and I watched The Bourne Identity this weekend -- it seems to be a snowed-in tradition for me! :)  Don't even get me started on how much Jason Bourne is better than James Bond.  He's not a manwhore, first off, and he doesn't have the annoying, constantly-pursed girly lips of Daniel Craig. lol  Ugh, not a fan of Matty Damon's political opinions, but his sexy half-smile is killer! :-) 

Anyway, I do have a point.  We started talking about my favorite scene from Bourne Ultimatum.  This reporter has been seeking out Jason Bourne for a story, but he has no idea what he's gotten himself into.  Jason knows people are after both of them, and he doesn't want to see this guy die... so he gives him an untraceable cell phone and calls him.  They're in the middle of a crowded train station with noise and people everywhere.  This random reporter has no idea that he's being hunted and that people are trying to kill him.  Then his new phone rings, and Jason Bourne starts directing him step-by-step through the train station.  He has to bend down to tie his shoe to get out of the camera angle, then walk behind someone, turn to avoid certain people, and take very specific routes.  He takes the wrong path out of fear, but Jason is able to get him back on track.  He is really freaked out but doesn't realize how much danger he is actually in... and he certainly has no clue that the man he's talking to is brilliant and trustworthy and has faced this enemy many times before.  So he uses his own judgement and runs out when Jason is telling him to stay put... and he is immediately shot and killed.  (The murder is not my favorite part, of course.  I just really love those movies, and have always thought it'd be awesome to be that guy, escaping the hidden dangers in an intense situation because a trained professional was secretly directing me through it all... thinking I wouldn't be a moron like that guy, but would listen closely and do every little thing I was told to do.)

And then it hit me that in the deeper reality, I AM that guy - we all are.  The moment I started seeking God, I drew the attention of a very real enemy.  He has been after me ever since, trying to harm and destroy everything he possibly can.  There is a noisy world filled with distractions all around me, but it's crucially important that I tune in to the voice of God in my heart.  That I follow His step-by-step directions even when I don't understand or think I know a better way, because He is looking from a higher vantage point and knows exactly what I need to do to make it out alive.  The scene is intense, my heart is in more danger than I realize, and I serve a God who never sleeps, who is completely brilliant and trustworthy.  And He is directing me through life... if only I will trust Him, pay close attention, and follow passionately.

Reflections...

*I had a slideshow of 100 awesome pictures throughout the past year, but RockYou shut down and deleted them - sadness. :(  

So here are two quick 2009 collages:

A tribute looking back on… 2009! Celebrating and thanking God for the main relationships, events, and accomplishments I will remember about the past year!

1. I read through the entire Bible in a year for the first time! And thanks to Beth’s suggestion, I memorized 50+ verses, which God has reminded me of when I’ve needed them most!
2. Read 11 other awesome books, including Breaking Free, Desire, Chasing Daylight, Getting Serious About Getting Married, Crazy Love, The Fear of the Lord, and Love and War… God has taught me so much through these books, and used them to transform my heart and hopefully prepare me for what lies ahead.
3. Fun Roadtrips… Austin Trip and "Wizard Academy" in March with Tara Lynn and Kristin; Kansas trip to visit Megan and see Wicked with Malori and Cassie last month!
4. K-Lamb’s 30th Birthday… the 13 Going on 30 Party with a limo ride, casino night, fancy dinner, and a Krispy Kreme trip... so much fun!
5. Thanks to Chet and Jeremy, getting the LG involved with Eugene Field and having an awesome cookout this summer, and our recent Christmas project, which was also fantastic!
6. Starting a private prayer blog and being more fully honest and open with God about my feelings, which has made prayer far more real and has helped me grow in trusting God!
7. Malori and I being roommates from August to December… SO GREAT… we’ve had several memorable talks and really grown closer… my cleanliness rubbed off on her, and her feisty-ness and ability to stand up for herself rubbed off on me! Lol
8. Trained for 6 months at Fitness Together with Danny, Levi, and Eddy and lost 35 pounds!  Definitely still have a ways to go, but that has given me a great start, and I’m so happy I made the decision to get a trainer!
9. Practice runs with Bobbi and Angie at Riverside… then ran the Race for the Cure 5k, the Quarter Marathon in August, and my first Half-Marathon on November 22nd, with my family and Malori there to cheer me on! Wahoo!!
10. Applied for a job at Ransomed Heart Ministries in Colorado... I didn't get it, but even applying was a big step for me... I'm becoming more determined to actively pursue God's will and find ways to spend more time helping others.
11. Going through the Chasing Daylight book and Beth’s Esther study with my women’s LifeGgroup – both amazing!
12. Blogging about "Breaking Intimidation," “Finishing the Race,” my “1,000 Awesome Things,” and writing fun Tributes to acknowledge how grateful I am for all the wonderful people who have impacted my life.
13. Getting to know Nikki, praying for Billy, visiting and doing what we could (as a family and as a LG) to help them out and encourage them, and then attending Billy’s memorial service with Kristin.
14. Chet Lee’s 21st birthday party… and how that began a weekly Caravan tradition full of two-stepping, spinning, the pretzel move, Copperhead Road, Cupid Shuffle, Boot Scootin’ Boogie, and of course, the famous ghetto line dance!
15. All kinds of fun events with my awesome LG friends… including our awesome micro-missions, bonfire night, the Tulsa State Fair, Bobbi’s Asian Dinner Party, me and Chet’s St. Patty's Day Party, Caravan dance nights, Malori’s Halloween party, Jairus’ random dance party, Jairus at Catchphrase, my Thanksgiving Feast, fun game nights, Timberly’s Christmas Party, etc. We’re just so much fun!
16. State Farm trip to Disney World with the fam in July… Rach had a sprained ankle, so we had to push her in the wheelchair wherever we went. I’ll especially remember the four of us watching the fireworks out on our hotel balcony!
17. We started our super-fun “Mini Group,” which has now become a bit of a Sunday night tradition! =)
18. My parents got two new mini-Australian Shepherd puppies, Rylee and Reagan!! They’re hilarious and playful and oh, so cute!
19. Fun family get-togethers on both sides… including the bedlam game, all the holidays, Lucy’s birthday party at JoBug’s, and Danielle joining us for the 4th of July and Thanksgiving this year!
20. “Adopting” and getting sweet letters from Judith, my Compassion child! That always helps to keep my minor problems in perspective!
21. Getting to attend the Joyce Meyer conference in Tulsa, and joining the "Love Revolution" – looking for and acting on the daily opportunities to share God’s love with someone!
22. Remodeling my garage (painting the walls and putting Quik-Crete on the floors – it looks awesome!) with the help of Chet, Malori, and my Mom... definitely memorable!
23. Rachael being assaulted/mugged outside of CityWalk, and God protecting her from further harm… followed by a variety of other distressing events as God is slowly turning her heart back to Him.
24. Growing in self-confidence and choosing to stand up for myself when necessary! Growing in the fear of the Lord and choosing to honor God and follow His leading in seeking a new church home!
25. I’m most thankful for growing with God throughout this year… and for my family and my two closest friends (Malori and Chet) -- who know and appreciate the real me, and constantly support and encourage me!

*My verse for 2009 has been 2 Corinthians 10:4, about using my divine weapons to overthrow and destroy every stronghold!  That has become even more meaningful to me over the past few weeks.  It has been a great help in my life and something God has brought to mind many times.  There have been ups and downs, but I have made a lot of progress, and I'm still working toward destroying every stronghold that is holding me captive!  

So in the end, all that's left to say is...
God is good, all the time. :-)

Merry Christmas!!

Definitely got the white Christmas I was hoping for... a historic blizzard in Oklahoma today!  It's gorgeous outside.  We're snowed in and hanging out, baking sugar cookies and cake and playing with the puppies.  Nice.  Simple.  Cozy. =)  And we're gonna do Christmas with Dad's fam on Saturday if the weather is better then!

Anyway, here's an SNL Christmas treat...

The Weary World Rejoices!!

John Eldredge wrote about how God spoke to him as he listened to Oh Holy Night, through the line:  "A Thrill of Hope, the Weary World Rejoices!"

The world truly is "weary."  I'm tired and have been feeling a little down lately.  And it seems that everyone around me is feeling worn out, feeling the stress and pressure, and as one friend said, "just trying to get through the holidays."  "To stay above water."  But we're forgetting to take the time to stop and rejoice in our Savior, to dwell on who He is and what He means to us.  To celebrate the "thrill of hope" in knowing Him, and to really enjoy each other and be grateful!  To get still and quiet before God... "Fall on your knees.  Oh, hear the angel's voices."  We can thank Him that He came to earth to save us, and celebrate that He is COMING AGAIN to bring us home! 

Stasi Eldredge also wrote about Christmas and all the frantic-paced stress surrounding it... how she's felt a lot of pressure to make everything lovely, holy, meaningful, warm, safe, etc.  Then she made a point that I absolutely loved about what she wrote in her prayer journal to God... 

"You’re lovely, holy, meaningful, warm, safe…You are everything good and wonderful and enticing and longed for about Christmas. You are who and what we want and are trying to capture."  Something worth thinking about. 

I'm hoping (and it's looking likely) that we'll have a white Christmas this year -- I so love the snow -- watching it reminds me of the majesty and gentleness of God, and the spirit of peace He wants for all of us!  

So yeah, let heaven and nature sing!! ❤

Hope everyone has a great Christmas Eve and a Merry Christmas... letting go of the stress and pressure and remembering Who it's really all about!

Emmanuel

A tribute to... God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit... who was, and is, and is to come!

1.  God is Love ~ He loves us every second of every day, unconditionally, in a way that no person can ever match.  He is patient and kind and never gives up on us.  He doesn't leave us as we are, but rather He speaks the truth and gently convicts us in a spirit of love!!
2.  Prince of Peace ~ trusting Him and giving my burdens to Him allows me to live with perfect peace and confidence!
3.  Epic and Intimate ~ eternal and incomprehensible, He created the mountains and vast oceans, parted the Red Sea, and holds the universe in the palm of His hand...at the same time, He is deeply personal, He cares for each flower, He knows the number of hairs on my head, and cares about every detail of my life!!
4.  Amazingly Creative ~ He created ALL that we see, and all that we don't see -- wind, oxygen, every bird, fish, plant, river, and person -- and designed it all with intricate attention to detail... studying human anatomy proves that! 
5.  Awesome ~ mighty and glorious in a way we cannot fully comprehend.  And the truest, deepest desires of every heart are only met through Him. "Let the whole world stand in awe of Him."
6.  God of Hope ~ He has overcome death and hell, and He promises eternal life in heaven with Him to all who believe... so no matter what happens on earth, there is always hope in Him!!
7.  Savior and Deliverer ~ Jesus was the only person to live a perfect life, He chose to die a brutal death when He could've easily stopped it, and He rose from grave victorious!  Because of His love, sacrifice, and power, I am now dead to sin and delivered from eternal torment and punishment!  Thank you, Lord!
8.  Trustworthy ~ His heart is good, His Word is pure TRUTH, and His promises can always be trusted.
9.  Judges the Heart ~ He looks far deeper than appearance; He knows our every motive and is not at all impressed by false humility or self-righteousness!
10.  He is a strong and fearless warrior who fights for my heart... He is constantly working behind the scenes, transforming me to be more like Him, and protecting me from evil!!
11.  Beauty and Mystery ~ He is beautiful in every way possible; He is also mysterious and when we want to know Him deeply, we must seek and pursue Him.
12.  Wonderful Counselor ~ great listener who knows me better than I know myself, knows exactly what I need and the right timing for it, comforts when needed, corrects when needed, and gives truly wise advice!
13.  Everlasting Father ~ I am His child, He has adopted me and taken me under His care.  He loves to spend time with me, to bless me with good things, and to give me wise advice.  And He will always be there for me!
14.  Glorious King ~ He is holy and is clothed in unapproachable light.  He sits on the highest throne in heaven and reigns above all other powers.  His kingdom cannot EVER be shaken. 
15.  Generous ~ He loves to give and to bless us, He gives us faith, He has allowed us to bear His name and represent Him here, and He gives us the divine power to overcome strongholds and become more like Christ!
16.  Faithful ~ He is always with me and will never reject or abandon me.  If I live with a reverent fear of Him, I never need to fear anything else!
17.  Merciful and Patient ~ His love is unconditional, and regardless of what we've done, He is willing to forgive anyone who will repent from sin!
18.  He truly is good... all the time!!  Every good and perfect things comes from Him.
19.  Name above all other names ~ There is no one that compares to Him; He is perfect in all His decisions.  And one awesome day, every knee will bow to Him...  Bring it on!!
20.  Friend to those who obey Him ~ "Friendship with the Lord is reserved for those who fear Him.  With them, He shares the secrets of His covenant." -Psalm 25:14
21.  Jesus is the bridegroom, and one day, there will be a wedding feast in heaven, and the church will be intimately united with Christ!
22.  Powerful ~ His power knows no bounds or limitations.  He quite literally can do whatever He pleases... and He chooses to die and rescue us from ourselves!
23.  Selfless Servant ~ Jesus spent His life on earth humbly loving and serving those around Him... healing the sick, reaching out to the outcasts, and binding up the brokenhearted!  Now He has passed that responsibility to us as His chosen representatives!!
24.  Lord and Master ~ He constantly teaches me new things and is working to transform my heart into His image, and the Holy Spirit is guiding me into all truth!
25.  He is a God of Justice ~ The Ancient of Days ~ He does not miss a thing, He will punish all defiant evil and wickedness, and He will reward every person who sincerely seeks Him!!  I take so much comfort in those promises!

LifeGroup!

A tribute to… the awesome “Diving Deeper Life Group!”

1. The Life Groups have been my core group of friends since I moved to Tulsa… we have a blast hanging out together, we study God’s Word and pray for each other, serve each other and do group micromissions, and help hold each other accountable in following Christ!  I love that we really “do life together.”

2. The Diving Deeper LG was a branch-off from Chad & Angie’s LG (which was quickly becoming a married couples group) …Bobbi, Kristin, and I started the group as co-leaders in November 2008 after several Starbucks planning meetings. :) We had a few new faces right from the start, then the group grew surprisingly fast ~ GIGATT!
3. I lead the group through John Eldredge’s “Walking With God” book last year, and really enjoyed that!  He is brilliant and insightful, and I think the “breaking agreements” section was helpful to many of us!
4. Other group studies include Craig’s sermons, Case For Christ, Isaiah, Crazy Love, Christmas carols, etc. We also do prayer requests every Wednesday and pray for each other throughout the week!
5. Every week, we do an opening ice breaker question, and I love hearing people answer those!
6. Kristin and I are no longer attending LifeChurch, so we have stepped down as co-leaders. Carl is now the main leader of life group discussions, with Bobbi as the co-leader.
7. We meet at Bobbi’s house every Wednesday night for LG, but we also hang out and have fun through the week and have become really close friends… mission projects, line dancing at Caravan, game nights, holiday parties, mini-group dinners, etc.
8. Chet Lee joined the LG around Christmas last year and has become one of my closet friends! He serves faithfully and has helped me plan and lead two awesome Eugene Field “micromissions.” He is a dependable friend and loves to help out, as evidenced by the garage remodel and carting the tables for the Thanksgiving feast back and forth… hilarious and fun and has a great heart for God and people… and I’m so thankful he joined our group, and sad he’ll have Wednesday night class next semester!
9. I’m also ultra-thankful that Malori has come to group with me throughout the last few months! Her sense of humor always brightens my day, and having her loyal support and advice, and hearing her thoughts and discussing the different studies with her has been awesome!

10. Mini-Group has become my new favorite thing… weekly dinner or movie or something with Malori, Bobbi, Chet, Nathan, Michael, Jay, and sometimes Carl! Such a fun and interesting group!
11. Jay is the newest member inducted into our fabulous “mini-group!” =) His family donated all the coats for the 42 kids we sponsored from Eugene Field… awesome!!
12. Bill is hilarious, sometimes without meaning to be… it always brightens my day to hear him tell a story! He loves the fruity pebble rice krispy treats, which are apparently gluten free, so I made him some for his bday since he can’t have regular cake! lol
13. Robert also came with us from the Changie LG and has really stepped up in leading and helping out with different micromissions! He speaks up more often now and has a lot of knowledge about the history behind many Biblical events!
14. Chad Wayne Palm (because I have to say the full name every time) was part of our group for a while, and he was definitely awesome with helping Malori move and with the kids at the Eugene Field cookout this summer!
15. Nathan’s personality and love of food cracks me up! I so love hearing the little comments he’ll say under his breath… the 3-way phone calls with him and Chet were always quite entertaining!
16. Michael is thoughtful and funny, and he hosted a LG cookout (featuring an awesome dessert contest) at his apartment! Mini-group decided to surprise him on his b-day Nov. 22nd, which was way fun, even though I kinda ruined the surprise! Lol

17. Liz is now serving at church on Wednesdays, but I still think of her as part of the group! Her faith and hope through her dad’s health struggles has been so inspiring, and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know her better lately during our LaFortune runs! =)

18. Timberly has a genuine heart for God and desire to do something great for His kingdom! She has great taste and has a fabulous house where she hosted our group Christmas Party this year!!

19. Chesley, Holly, and Kristen are hilarious and a lot of fun! They’re Caravan regulars and love to teach our guys how to two-step.

20. Carl has stepped up in leading the group discussions, and is doing a great job so far!

21. Bobbi opens her home for us every week, and she has an awesome servant’s heart during all our events and mission projects!

22. We recently came up with the fun idea of having a Life Group Olympics, competing with other LGs in random events – kinda like the Office Olympics episode. It’s gonna be a blast, and we’re totally going to dominate! =)

23. Dancing… two random dance parties at Bobbi’s – (one with Jairus, and one with us teaching Jay to line dance!) And since Chet’s 21st B-day, Caravan has become a popular place to hang out… fun!!
24. Bonfire Night was a blast… complete with the bubble wand, Carl protecting us with his tiny knife, the burning of the Peeps, and a fun round of Chubby Bunny!
25. A few memorable quotes (I'm sure there are a zillion more, but these came to mind):

“It’s a tribute! If you create enough memories, maybe you’ll get one too.” –Chet, about my blog tribute to him

“I don’t jump.” –Nathan, at Hillsong concert

“You look more like Ryan Reynolds than you sound like Mariah Carey.” –Malori, to Chet 
“I’ll take that!” –Chet :-)

“Failure!!” –Lauren, with a serious face, pointing at Nathan (his expression was really the funny part)

“Very manly. Nice!” –Kim’s photo comment on Chet’s mustache pic

“I really like the Raspberry Vinaigrette… it’s nice and light.” -Nathan, repeated a few times through the night! lol

“Yeah, I don’t know you.” –kid at Eugene Field when Chet wanted a pic with him! lol

“Michael acts like he’s never done this before, but now it looks like he went to clown school…” –Jay, watching Michael juggle

“Salad with Catalina dressing!” –Chad Wayne Palm, answering the opening question about your favorite junk food lol

“Note to self – do not wear horizontal stripes, EVER AGAIN.” –Chet, photo comment lol

“Michael can talk however Michael wants.” -Michael :)

"This... is a weakness."  -Chet, seeing chocolate icing at Wal-Mart

“She looks like she could use an A.” –Malori, mocking infamous law professor

“Are you always this tool box-y?” –Nathan, mocking Chet’s dance lesson

“No, no, no, no; wait, wait, wait, wait…” –Bill, telling any story

“Hey, take a picture of me pretending to paint!” -Me, during the garage remodel

“Momma Liebe’s famous French toast!” –Michael, of his favorite breakfast food

"Wow… fil-ter!” –Bobbi to Chet

“They’re only saying that because it’s new and different. You should totally shave!” –Me, when Chet said he’s gotten compliments on the beard - lol

“You think I’m being mean; I’m being smart!” –Nathan

“The Word is alive… (slowly flipping through the pages of the Bible to illustrate his point)… Jeeeee-sus!”  –Chet Lee at LG

“Wow… that’s hilarious!” –Malori (after hearing about the ridiculous mirrors around the guys bathroom at Caravan) …
“That is NOT hilarious.” –Nathan, super serious and quiet

Hahaha...we’re such a fun group! =)

Marching On!

I so love the new One Republic CD - it's great from start to finish.  The Marching On song is still really uplifting and inspiring whenever I'm feeling down. 


I've always hated it when people say, "Life goes on" to try to comfort me when something goes wrong.  Lame.  They may have good intentions, but that's not comforting when life feels like a big mess or when you've lost something or someone you love.  It feels a bit offensive at that point.  (Plus it's usually said by someone who's trying not to get too involved at the heart of it, which doesn't make anyone feel better.)  

Anyway, this song is along those lines, but worded in a way that encourages rather than disheartens me.  When you've fought a battle and lost, when you feel like you've messed everything up, when people you love have taken you for granted or you have let others down... when you're facing doubts and struggles, when Satan's lies are wearing you down, when you know you're meant for more than what you currently see...

Well, life is going to keep moving... so we must choose to keep marching forward boldly, not to give up or waive the flag of surrender.  With all that we have, we trust God and keep moving toward His calling on our lives.  One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.  In this world, we're promised that we'll have trials and stress and frustration, but we can take heart in knowing that Jesus has overcome the world!  We can push forward in the face of opposition and live by Esther's "If I perish, I perish" motto.

We've all been viciously attacked by the enemy, we've had struggles and grief and pain, and we've probably misrepresented Christ more times than we'd like to remember, but we look forward rather than looking back... and as the body of Christ, following in His footsteps, we march on!! 

"For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when love's what you hate,
Somehow, we keep marching on...

For those doubts that swirl all around us,
For those lies that tear at the seams,
We know, WE'RE NOT WHAT WE'VE SEEN...

There's so many wars we've fought;
There's so many things we're not.
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marching on, we're marching on, we're marching on!

For all of the plans we've made,
There isn't a flag I'd wave!
Don't care if we bend;
I'd sink us to swim.
We're marching on, we're marching on, we're marching on!

We'll have the days we break,
And we'll have the scars to prove it.
But we'll have the bonds that we save,
And we'll have the heart not to lose it!
For all of the times we've stopped,
For all of the things I'm not...

We put one foot in front of the other.
We move like we ain't got no other!
We go where we go,
We're marching on, marching on!"

Changes

Eugene Field Christmas Party today, and it went extremely well!  The kids were so excited for their presents, of course, but also just to see us!    My mom came and was ultra-helpful, and several LG members showed up to help out as well. We had two completely separate parties, which worked out perfectly.

Other than some LG guys complaining about not having enough food, I believe everyone was quite happy! It was a lot of work getting there, but seeing these kids who have so little having a great time and letting them know that they are loved was very worth it in the end! =)

Tonight was also Malori's graduation from law school, followed by Hideaway Pizza with her family!  It was a lot of fun, and I'm genuinely so happy for her that she has graduated and is done with school forever!  And is now on her way to an awesome job and has found an apartment she really loves.  ...but for so many reasons, I am going to miss her being here.  A lot.

I'm a bit exhausted right now, and feeling a vast array of strong emotions.  It's been a prayer-filled week for a few reasons.  I need the peace and comfort only God can provide.  And I need to stop looking for it elsewhere.  So many things are changing now, and I could certainly go into graphic detail on why, but the general message I keep feeling is isolation, that I am alone.  That feels true.

It's an attack.  No agreements... I know.

I'm so deeply thankful for John and Stasi and their books, because recognizing this as spiritual warfare is incredibly helpful.  To trust in God and "enter the rest of God" spiritually - that is my desire.  Another thing that might be incredibly helpful right now is actual physical rest... and so, I'm off to sleeeep.  G'night!

Megan Elizabeth

A tribute to… Megan Elizabeth Smith, a close friend through my CHA years, and a genuine Proverbs 31 woman.

1. Beautiful in the truest sense of the word… she radiates warmth and peace, and has a naturally gentle and quiet spirit!

2. Good sense of humor, and I love that she uses words like “swell” and “darn” in normal conversation. :)

3. Very artistic and creative! Lately, she’s making jewelry using a mix of antique and new pieces… very pretty and unique.

4. Her dad, Ken, was my history teacher through my junior and senior year of high school… I’ve always loved history and I enjoyed his classes!

5. Her mom, Cheryl, used to work at my Dad's State Farm office, and is one of the sweetest people I know.

6. Megs, Holly, Rach, and I were a close group of friends during our CHA days! It was very Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-esque, as we all have distinctly different personalities, but they clicked well when we all got together! :)

7. Lives by faith… doesn’t cower to fear or the negative opinions of others, but simply does what she believes God is telling her to do. (Attending Bob Jones, for example.)

8. Their family “house sat” for us when we went on a family vacation, and when we came back, she’d made awesome signs for me and Rach’s rooms and a huge “Welcome Home” banner for our living room! =)

9. Trustworthy and has a lot of wisdom and discretion.

10. She has a servant’s heart and loves to help others, and I have no doubt she’s an excellent and compassionate nurse!

11. She recently began working in the pediatric ICU… an area that is certain to be depressing and a bit overwhelming… but where she can really make a major difference and be uplifting to those kids and their families!

12. Genuine and seeks depth and heart connection and character in close relationships.

13. Set apart… lives with admirable innocence and purity of heart!

14. Athletic; she and Rach played volleyball and basketball together for years!

15. She rode with our family on several Dallas trips and Tri-State trips, and to CHA games… which were always fun!

16. One of the most kind people I know!

17. In a random but memorable conversation at Macaroni Grill, we had a long argument with Holly over whether prenups were a good idea… there was a bet involved, and it ended with Holly toasting to singledom, and me and Megs toasting to loving, God-centered, “till death do us part” marriages!! (See picture.)

18. Has fantastic naturally curly hair!
19. She and Kara went with me and Rach (and Mom) to the Diana Ross concert… we dressed up and took a limo, which was quite the experience at that point! =) (See middle picture.)
20. CatchPhrase and card game nights…one hilarious time, she started singing hymns as me, Holly, and Rach went into our regular cheating routine at cards! lol
21. She was a homecoming attendant at least 3 times at CHA. :) Kind and very well-liked.
22. Random memory, but she does hilarious impressions of the Brian Fellows SNL skits! =)

23. Memory: Taking cute pics and laughing hysterically the night of our one and only “traditional” carriage ride downtown!

24. For no particular reason, it’s been a while since we’ve talked at this point, but I’m really excited to see her and Holly over the Christmas break!! =)

25. Lives with integrity and sincere humility.   Yay, Megan!

Sarah!

A tribute to… Sarah Heiskell, one of my favorite people! =)

1. We met at the LG Christmas Party around a year ago. Then at my NY Eve Party, she was in my scavenger hunt group along with Chet… I remember being annoyed since I didn’t know either of them, which is funny to me now looking back!
2. Naturally beautiful ~ great eyes, smile, and hair …and awesome freckles that I would love!
3. After one of our Ted's dinners, we went to her house and me, Sarah, Nancy (her mom), and Chet had fun and got drenched getting tons of water balloons ready for the Eugene Field cookout the next day, which is also an awesome memory!
4. She has a genuine heart for people and several great ideas for outreach and service, and she desires to do whatever is necessary to share God’s love with others.
5. Transparent - very open and honest about whatever is on her heart… we’ve decided we’re both emotionally healthy because of that quality! lol
6. We really started getting to know each other over some intense and heartfelt Facebook messages when she was at school (Ozark Bible College)… she was struggling with something I’d been through in the past, so I tried to provide some comfort and advice.
7. She was receptive and took my advice to heart, and I’ve been impressed by her wisdom, discretion, and willingness to put God first and trust Him in the midst of pain!
8. Recently, she’s decided to become a nurse and is excited about all she’s learning, and passionate about being able to help suffering people and eventually being able to do medical mission trips!
9. Entertaining and fun and funny!  

10. Great sense of humor and a warm, outgoing, and positive personality!
11. Loves to sing and worship God! Talented singer with a beautiful voice… (I’ve only heard her once, but it was one of my favorite songs (Oh Holy Night), and she was awesome!)
12. She has a lot of Biblical insight and depth, and strongly believes in the awesome power available through being filled with the Holy Spirit!
13. We have much more in common than I first thought, and for very different reasons, we’re both currently seeking a church where God’s Spirit will be sought after and honored above the worldly desires or legalistic rules of people.
14. Believes there’s no such thing as a lukewarm Christian… that there has to be a true life and heart transformation! (…and I agree!)
15. Every time we hang out, we end up talking for hours and having heartfelt, uplifting conversations!
16. She’s endured some really painful things in the past but is careful not to let bitterness take hold.
17. Looks great as a blond, brunette, or kinda in between …and I’m guessing red would look great on her too!
18. I love that she is Pentecostal in her core Biblical beliefs and clearly values modesty, but still chooses to color and cut her hair and wear makeup, as God hasn’t personally convicted her about those things.  

19. Me and a few friends helped her paint her bedroom, which looks great now! I love the pics of us by the wall with our names painted on it! :)

20. She's currently working as the personal assistant for a missionary evangelist and his wife.
21. Loves to read and to write stories… I’m hoping she’ll start her own (personal) blog someday soon!
22. Part of her ‘About Me’ on Facebook: “I'm compared, by some, to an alka-seltzer... in a word? "Effervescent." I think that means bubbly and infectious.” Haha, it’s true!
23. She takes initiative and actively lives out her faith. She started a door-to-door outreach program and is mentoring a younger girl in their church right now, which is awesome!
24. Her stepdad owns several guns and let us use them (unloaded, of course) to take way too many hilarious, cheesy pictures this weekend… I LOVE it!! =)
25. She's a fun, genuine, loyal, uplifting and compassionate friend!!

Joshua Michael

A tribute to… Joshua Michael, because God used both our friendship and its abrupt and painful ending to profoundly shape my heart, character, and destiny!

1. After Holly invited him to hang out with our group, he and I really connected and became close friends that summer (2005).
2. Me, Josh, Rach, and Holly were the FNFA ("Friday Night Friends Association"). We hung out every weekend and talked about all the great community service projects we should do, and decided to form an organization. We never actually followed through and did these projects, but we did make cute t-shirts with our titles on them, and it looked good on Holly’s resume that she was president of a community service organization which she co-founded! lol
3. He has a genuine heart for God and is funny, easygoing, and kind.
4. We had a great, fun friendship for a while and got to know each other really well… hanging out, phone calls, emails, IM, Xanga -- daily communication, and our families got to know each other as well!
5. Me, Josh, Rach, and Wes hung out and had our “Tuesday night dinners” group, which was always a blast! Josh drove my car (back when I had the fun red convertible) wherever we went, and we put the top down and sang and had a blast! =)
6. He and I had countless deep conversations about God, faith, healing, friends, family, dreams, marriage, future goals, etc. He taught me a lot spiritually, he believed in and encouraged me, and he prayed with me several times throughout our friendship. 
7. Kinda random, but the night I officially became interested in more than friendship was two days before his birthday, June 12, 2005 …quite ironic, two years to the day I received the letter.  (My heart was quickly consumed by the idea, and I saw him as an awesome spiritual leader and genuinely believed he would be my future husband.)
8. Great dancer... asked to join me as I was taking ballroom dance lessons that summer with Craig, which was so much fun! Craig: “She’s in a pot, and you’re stirring her!” ...Rach and I also taught him some line dances, and we all randomly line danced to Shaniah in the parking lot one day when we were bored. :)
9.  We had several fun Dallas road trips with random stops, great talks, singing, and quoting Mean Girls! Also, there was our trip to visit Holly Dei at Yale, where the 3 of us went to NYC for a night and took a tour of the city and saw Mamma Mia on Broadway -- so much fun!!
10. The Boston trip was also a blast… me, Josh, Sarah, Zana, and Evan. He was actually interested in me at that point, but more than likely, my intensity caused him to back off the idea.
11. Has a strong faith in God and was always passionate in his beliefs on healing (I disagreed with him a bit there but respected his heart and faith!)
12. We LOVE Maggie Moo's ice cream and went there often enough that we made friends with DeDe who worked there! :) We got an ice cream cake for Holly once, and drove home freezing with the AC on full blast to try to keep it from melting. :)
13. Very ambitious, eloquent, intelligent, and confident… was always great in Mock Trial, and will make an excellent attorney in the future!
14. A bit strange... he went by “Josh” at CHA, but goes by “Michael” everywhere else.  I typically called him "Joshua Michael" to eliminate any confusion. lol

15. Extremely trustworthy; he knew more about me than anyone, as I was far too open with him about EVERYTHING I was feeling, but he handled it with impressive (and much appreciated) maturity and discretion.
16. Always willing to help out when I (or Mom) needed help with cleaning, painting, yard projects, etc… and I helped him by proofreading his essays and beefing up his scholarship applications! lol
17. He interned for an attorney that came to Chickasha every once in a while, which was truly the only thing I liked about that job! Within a few months of him moving to Tulsa, I gladly accepted the open position in Sapulpa. [Again, something I did with twisted motives that God has used for my good in the end!]
18. His family had a big wooden swing in their backyard, and we’d sit out there having deep talks at night… completely romantic in my mind (so much so that I forgot my fear of bugs), but not in his.
19. He was slow to get angry or upset with me, and quick to forgive (and I certainly did some things that called for it in my Julia-Roberts-in-My-Best-Friends-Wedding-style-crazy mentality!)
20. He loved Hillsong and invited me to a conference where they were leading worship… the speaker happened to be Joyce Meyer, which was the first time I’d heard of her. To this day, she’s one of my favorite Bible teachers! *He also introduced me to John Bevere, Victory Church, and first taught me about the baptism of the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues!!
21. We talked about “us” several times (as I constantly brought up the subject), and he did his best to be honest without being too harsh. I don’t doubt that he sincerely loved and respected me as a friend and had “no malice or ill will toward me,” but my desire went way beyond a deep friendship, so things got messy really fast – especially when he dated other girls and talked to me about them.
22. He could see that over time, I became obsessive and manipulative. I paid for trips, bought expensive gifts, compiled massive scrapbooks, and subconsciously did all I could to “buy” his love… at the same time trying to cleverly convince him - because I truly believed it - that other girls weren’t right or good enough (and surprise, God didn’t think that was a recipe for a great marriage). My purpose and identity were very wrapped in his opinion of me, and it was unhealthy and often miserable.
23. My mom loved him, and his mom loved me (past tense is key there), and they were ready to plan our wedding (as was I, of course.) Everyone egged on my false belief that things were coming together and he was interested, and several people lightly pressured him toward it even though it wasn’t on his heart. :(
24. After several failed attempts to talk through the problem and save our friendship, he sent me a letter completely cutting me out of his life on June 12, 2007. (This quickly solidified me as the outcast, as his b-day party was 2 days later so everyone knew... No, he didn't handle everything perfectly, but neither did I.)  Within a week, seven of my friends from that circle had also stopped talking to me. Shocking, painful, and the hardest thing I’ve been through to date… but it allowed me to slowly climb out of the pit I’d dug for myself, to develop real and healthy friendships, and to find a richer connection and deeper passion for God than I’d ever experienced!
25. We haven’t spoken at all since June of ’07, but I've heard he is engaged now and is going to the law school he’d always dreamed of attending! =) No desire to reconnect, but I am so thankful for how God used that relationship to transform me... and sincerely, I hope he has all he dreams of, and I wish him joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish him love! ;-)

Kate!

A tribute to… Katelyn Marie, always hilarious!

1. Rach’s classmate and loyal friend from our CHA days… they’ve been good friends for several years now!
2. She has a vibrant, outgoing, expressive personality and just loves to have fun and brighten people's day wherever she is. =)

3. Memory:  She cried during Armageddon… not at the ending or at Bruce dying, but the moment Ben Affleck drew the short straw, she immediately burst into dramatic tears, and I couldn't help but laugh! lol

4. Confident and not easily embarrassed… in a good way. ;)

5. Good taste and decorating sense; and she has a quirky, Gwen-Stefani-esque fashion sense and looks cute in clothes that I could never pull off.

6. Memory:  We used to take her home from their volleyball games, and some birds had built a nest in the wreath outside their front door. It was always so hilarious to watch her creep toward it slowly then jolt as the birds would fly out!! :)

7. Memory: Hanging out on opening night of Krispy Kreme Donuts (at 2am or so – yes, it was a ridiculously big deal in OKC!) and Kate and Mark were hilarious together! =)

8. Great athlete; she was an awesome setter in volleyball! She and Rach played CHA and club V-ball together, so there were several fun roadtrips and good times with that… aww, memories. =)

9. She and Rach racked up quite the drinking bill throughout our cruise, then when our bills were delivered at the end (mine being significantly less than theirs) Kate looked at it for a couple seconds then said kinda quietly, “Oooh, nizzle.” lolol

10. Her life’s “theme song,” according to her, is Salt-N-Pepa's Shoop song! Hahaha, not sure she really thought that comment through before she said it, but it definitely made me laugh!

11. She has a great smile and laugh, natural beauty, and can pull off all sorts of different hair styles and colors!!

12. She moved to Dallas a few years ago and has made good friends and has a great job and seems to be loving it. =)

13. She works for Neiman Marcus right now and is majoring in Fashion Merchandising! 

14. Memory: Singing along to N’Syncs first CD then singing Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River” with her and Rach and doing our made-up hand motions to all of it! :)

15. Joyful and genuine.  Hilarious, spunky, carefree, and fun! She doesn’t live to please people, and she has no problem standing up for herself - I love that! 

16. She's also smart and can be really deep and insightful… we had some good conversations about God and church, and about both of us seeking a job that has more purpose and where you could truly help people.

17. She goes to Fellowship Church and has gotten pretty involved and loves it there!

18. She and Rach have a great friendship and she encourages Rach to find a better crowd of friends, which I like. They’re always so funny together whenever they hang out… both so sarcastic!

19. Memory: They got fake tattoos on our cruise, and Kate’s said “Gangsta’s Paradise” huge across her lower back! Lol Ridiculous, but really funny.

20. Memory:  Rach has to sleep with a lot of lights on... After turning on lamps and leaving the bathroom light on, Rach said, “Well, I guess that’s pretty good.” And Kate said in the funniest high-pitch annoyed voice, “Pretty good!?? There’s not a dark corner in the entire room!”
21. On the last night of our cruise... Our waiter: “Well, will you be joining us again?”
Kate: “I don’t think there’s any more dinners.”
Waiter: “No, I meant on another Carnival Cruise!”
Kate: “Oooh.  No! Definitely not. “
(Rach’s shocked/annoyed expression made the whole thing hilarious!)
22. After stopping at a disgusting gas station for Kate to go to the bathroom, she came back and yelled: “GO! Every horror movie ever made was probably based on a true story from THIS TOWN!” So funny!
23. Rach: “Wow, you are the worst direction giver EVER.”
Kate: “Well, at least that means I’m better than someone!” lolol
24. She got dizzy trying to shave her legs in the shower as the ship was rocking back and forth, and when she got out, she said, “It has never been such a monstrocity as that to shave my legs!” To which Rach did the classic Jim Halpert face and mouthed, “monstrocity?” lol
25. Bored waiting on the elevator to get to us, she had the random idea, “Take a picture of me posted up by the elevator.” So as the (clear glass) elevator made it’s way up to us, she was in a nice spread eagle pose against the wall facing them. Then the doors opened, and we just got in like everything was completely normal. Lol