Okay, so I've had something on my mind for a while, and since I'm at a good "break point" at work, I've decided to write about it just to get my jumbled thoughts out there...
I'll just swan dive right on in! ;) One thing that I know I want in life is to be a mother. And honestly, at this point, my desire to raise a child outweighs my desire for marriage. Now I haven't made any major decisions, but I have been thinking about this a lot lately... and the thought of adopting or even birthing a child as a single woman does not scare me like it once did. I'm very aware that there would be a lot to learn and a lot of hard work and responsibility, but I also believe that I would be fully competent and capable of handling it, and that I would be a good mother. Hey, if Lorelai can do it alone, so can I! (Totally kidding, but I do adore the Gilmore Girls! And yes, I know she's fictional, and I know that I wouldn't be "alone.")
I am very much aware that I would face a lot of judgment from well-meaning Christians over this decision, and that I would need to be ultra-solid and secure in my decision and have peace with God about it. I do know that nothing can replace the role of the father in a child's life, but I would do my best to make sure that there were strong Christian male influences in her life, and who knows whether I might eventually get married? (I only say "her" because I prefer the adoption idea, and it would be my choice to adopt a girl.) After seeing enough depressing child abuse cases and bitter divorce cases to last a lifetime, it would be difficult for anyone to convince me that I was doing my child some major disservice simply by not being married. Of course, I prefer the idea of being married and having children, and I would love to be able to work less and spend more time with my kids, which clearly wouldn't be a single parent option. *Also, to be very clear, none of this would take place until at least four years down the road.
So the obvious roadblock question for me is: Could this possibly be God's will?
At many points in my life, I would've answered with an emphatic NO, but I'm not as certain now. I don't have total peace about it, but I know the desire is there and I believe my motives are pure.
Joyce talks a lot about the Isaac and Ishmael story, and how we often "create an Ishmael" by refusing to wait on God's timing and taking matters into our own hands. And I've thought about that a lot. I've also thought about Eve, and how she doubted God's goodness and love, and decided to take control and get what she wanted, and how splendidly that decision worked out for her. =( But then, Eve had very specific instructions NOT to eat that fruit, and Sarah had a very specific PROMISE from God that a child was on the way.
I have no promise from God that I will ever get married. No promise that any man will ever truly pursue me and love me for my heart. No promise that I will have biological children someday. I have no problem trusting that God will come through when He has firmly promised something - His Word is solid truth, and I believe that. He will always be with me, never abandon me, His love never fails, He has good plans for my future (but "future" is very undefined and I'm sure partly means eternity), and He will direct my steps and not let me fall. (All very comforting promises if I eventually decide to go through with this.)
I understand that it's wrong to just get tired of waiting on the promise and try to do it yourself.... but in areas where there is no promise, then what does "waiting on God" really mean?? Am I kidding myself if I'm trusting Him and "believing Him" for something He never guaranteed? And is it wrong to seek out something that I desire that He has not specifically forbidden?? Grr, I don't really know.
I know that God is aware of what's going on in my heart and aware of what is going on around me. He knows my desires, and He knows my frustrations with the apathy and extended adolescence of most Christian men my age. And just knowing that He sees it and cares helps me to breathe easier.
Craig's sermon last Sunday was about our generation (specifcally the 18-30 year olds in the crowd), and he listed our main problems as (1) feeling entitled, (2) defining truth as we see it, and (3) postponing adulthood - always saying, "Real life starts later." Perhaps I'm feeling entitled to have a child? I don't know. And maybe I'm trying to redefine the truth here, but I don't think that's the case. I am not sure what I believe here yet, and I certainly wouldn't make a decision like this lightly or without having some sense of peace and certainty from God.
Craig also said that in a survey, the #1 answer to "When do you really become an adult?" was "When you have your first child." Interesting answer, and it actually makes a lot of sense to me. I often feel very much like I'm COASTING at this point in my life - just hanging out and doing the same thing week after week, and that as soon as I have a family, there will be a lot more purpose behind everything I do! And the thing is, I have no desire to "postpone adulthood," but until recently, I haven't seen it as something that is in my control. (Meaning I've been waiting around for the right guy to show up and step up... but he's not here.) And as far as I can see, he's nowhere in sight, past or present.
Christian singles groups couple off and filter in and out over and over. It's continuous and constant, ever changing. The group of friends I hang out with regularly tends to change quite often, based on each person's changing relationship status. Every male friendship is subject to drastic change the minute they start dating someone. You're not even "tied down" (as so many people like to say) to any particular job or city.... you're free as a bird, because no one is truly committed to or depending on you. So that obviously brings a nice sense of freedom for many people, but for those who would rather be able to depend on someone and feel needed and useful, it gets a little depressing. I so want someone permanent in my life, someone to share life with, someone I can love and care for and teach and learn from and truly enjoy, who also loves and needs me. (Someone human and tangible, if you were thinking, "God is always there.") And I'm very aware that marriage also fits most of that, and I don't mean to be giving up hope on that at all! I would so love to meet a good Godly man and be married, and I know that God knows my heart there. But everything relating to marriage is totally outside my control.... while the decision to have a child.... is not. Eek, but I don't mean to just cling to whatever I can control.
So I really don't know yet. But it's definitely something to think (and pray) about...
No comments:
Post a Comment