"Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant.
If they watch every cloud, they never harvest." ~Ecc. 11:4
I just found that interesting - like God telling us not to constantly live in fear and overanalyze every little thing, but that it's okay to sow and to reap in the middle of the storm, even when all the conditions aren't perfect. Not sure if that applies to my adopting a child thought process, but again, something to think about...
Okay, so I want to be a strong woman of God, confident and powerful and secure in His love. For the most part, I believe I have a good balance and am not overly fragile or weak, not constantly at the mercy of my changing emotions. Last night, however, was rough. I cried harder than I've cried in a while, and just felt strangely alone and confused. I probably can't explain all that's going on in my heart, even in writing, but I've just felt left behind and forgotten, even by God to some degree. A major friendship is changing... not ending, thank God... but already very different. I know 'replacement' is the wrong word, but it feels like the select few men that I choose to confide in and come to view as irreplaceable in my life always find a better suited replacement for me in their lives, if that makes any sense. Slowly fading out of importance in someone's life is still highly preferable to being completely cut out of the picture, but both kinda suck. And I know that's just life and it eventually happens in all close friendships with the opposite sex, and I truly don't begrudge anyone having a relationship, but the sudden shift in depth and value still hurts a bit. And yet again, it makes me long for something tangible and permanent....
On that note, I WANT marriage and family, and along with so many of my awesome female friends, I am tired of waiting. And as I said in yesterday's post, I'm unsure whether I'm wasting my time by waiting on something that's not really on the way. ?? I do not mean to bash men or overgeneralize them, but most of the 30-year-old single Christian men I know are still very much just casually dating around, and do not seem to be interested in pursuing anything serious. And I am completely uninterested in the exhausting emotional confusion and torment that comes along with the lukewarm, wishy-washy pursuit. No, thank you. Anyway, these guys are not horrible people, but they're most definitely putting off adulthood, as our generation tends to do. I need to stop complaining, and I'm certainly not putting it past God to bring me the right man someday soon. That is still my prayer! I do know that I would be well suited for a man who has the "Driver" strong leader personality that I mesh with so perfectly... and I literally don't know one man who fits that description - they all fall into the other three personality styles. And while they are great friends, no man that I currently know would truly be right for me to marry. And since I don't meet new men on any kind of regular basis and I'm obviously not getting any younger, that feels a little upsetting.
And for whatever reason, I was just starting to lose heart about it all last night. Feeling like certain things are just totally unfair, when I've lived my life so devoted to God and His standards, yet it all seems to come together so easily for others who have compromised left and right. Not jealousy, but confusion... thinking about the inequity (not that God ever promised it would all be equal, and not that He sees married life as a success/reward and singleness as a failure/punishment - but sometimes it feels that way to me).
This was followed by a lot of questioning whether I'm to blame -- whether the fact that I'm still single and no men seem remotely interested is due to something that's wrong with me, something about me that I need to change. (Which is stupid, as I can't change my personality and I already know I'm not the best fit for any of the men I know right now.) But anyway, I was going through the "will I ever be enough for anyone?" routine. Worrying about how I should go about losing weight in order to catch the attention of men and start dating someone, then wondering whether that would be the type of man worth striving for. And on top of all that, I was pondering whether I'm totally out of my mind to even be thinking about the possibility of facing motherhood on my own, and I just felt very overwhelmed by it all. And instead of doing the wise thing and praying and crying out to God, I just cried. And cried and cried and cried.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." ~Proverbs 13:12
It's true, and I'm so ready to experience the second half of that verse!
Then I got this email today from John Eldredge, who will always be my favorite author for so many reasons, and it was somewhat helpful. I need to let my emotions calm down and really slow down and seek God on all this, but I don't need to give up hope or let go of any of these deep desires, and that is comforting!
Anyway, here's part of the email:
"And I still haven't found what I'm looking for." U2
"There is a secret set within each of our hearts. It often goes unnoticed, we rarely can put words to it, and yet it guides us throughout the days of our lives. This secret remains hidden for the most part in our deepest selves. It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be. Isn't there a life you have been searching for all your days?
...We all share the same dilemma - we long for life and we're not sure where to find it. We wonder if we ever do find it, can we make it last? The longing for life within us seems incongruent with the life we find around us. What is available seems at times close to what we want, but never quite a fit. We must journey to find the life we prize. And the guide we have been given is the desire set deep within, the desire we often overlook, or mistake for something else or even choose to ignore. The greatest human tragedy is simply to give up the search. There is nothing of greater importance than the life of our deep heart. To lose heart is to lose everything... The clue as to who we really are and why we are here comes to us through our heart's desire."
~Desire, John Eldredge
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