Singles and the Church

Things I wish I heard more often from church leaders and married Christian friends:

"You are not single because you are too spiritually unstable to deserve a husband or too spiritually mature to need one. You are single because God is good and this is His best for you right now." ~Paige Benton Brown (paraphrased)

"God's plan for you will come to pass in its appointed time. He Himself will assure it. Rest and trust. Cease striving and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). Be free from the burden of trying to make things happen, and trust that your God loves you and will fulfill His word for your life."  ~Priscilla Shirer, Discerning the Voice of God

Also good:

We love and appreciate you!

You're serving an important purpose here right now!

Let's hang out soon - how about this weekend!?

You're not alone - we're praying with you, and we're here for you!

Come sit with us during the service today!

Things I hear way too often from married Christian friends and leaders:

After several prayer requests about marriages that are hurting or in trouble:  "We'll be praying for you, too, that you find your Strawberry Soda!" (A LifeChurch sermon reference about finding a good husband)

Following a prayer meeting where we prayed for a healthy singles ministry at church:  "And we pray that the Singles class becomes the Young Marrieds class!"

Repeatedly telling stories that start with:  "She's doing so great now: she's married and has kids!" as if her significance fully stems from her husband and children, and there is no successful outcome for a woman outside that life pattern.

Also bad:
So when will it be your turn to get married!?
I just can't understand why you're not married - it seems like you'd be such a good wife!
How old are you again?  Well, you still have time.
Don't worry; this is just for a season.
I know God has someone great for you!

* * * * * * *

All of the above have been said to me (unprompted) by people who care about me.  I trust that they mean well and had good intentions, but it doesn't always occur to them how their comments come across to a single person.  I obviously cannot speak for all Christian singles, but personally, I do not appreciate the assumption that I am currently an incomplete person who lacks something vital... that God has withheld part of His good plan from me, and you need to pray it in for me.  It shows a lack of humility to claim you "know" God has a husband in store for me, and to believe that His goodness couldn't possibly include someone remaining single. God's ways are higher than ours, and none of us know exactly what the future holds, but we know we can trust Him.  And when we learn to trust Him, we lose the sense of desperation and insecurity about being single... and we certainly don't need our married friends to pity us or push us toward marriage.  It always makes me uncomfortable when people question aloud why I am still single, as if they are searching for a major flaw that would explain and clarify it all for them.  It vaguely and incorrectly assumes (1) that my flaws are the main problem preventing marriage, (2) that marriage is inherently superior to singleness, and (3) that I am living outside God's best plan for me.  

I have come a long way in feeling secure and confident and content in Christ, and I am deeply thankful for the work He has done in my heart!  I still feel disheartened and frustrated by the way that southern culture and particularly the church views singleness (single women in particular).  Contrary to popular Christian belief, marriage is not automatically superior or more significant or more holy.  I can personally assure you that God is capable of using singleness to grow and sanctify some of His children, just as He uses marriage to grow and sanctify others.  The defining factor in our maturity and fruitfulness is and always will be our personal relationship with Christ and our submission to God, not our marital relationship or lack thereof.

It bothers me to see Christian women feeling unworthy based on their single status, or worse, settling for unhealthy relationships.  But I see and understand the toxic cultural pressure they are facing.  Married friends, please lose the condescension and the cat jokes, and learn to love and connect with us just as we are today.  If we ASK for prayer here or confide in you that we're feeling lonely, then pray with and for us... but don't assume we feel that way 24/7 or that everyone desires to be married.  We can all benefit from having a mixture of married and single friends and learning from each other.  Encourage us to follow hard after God and be healthy and whole right where we are rather than pushing us toward what you envision for our lives!

Single friends, you are not forgotten.  You are loved by God and others, your lives are valuable, and you have a God-given role and purpose right now.  Be confident and joyful, and don't settle for an unhealthy relationship out of fear!  You can rest and trust God's heart toward you.  God is with you and He sees your heart, and He will reveal Himself and His plan for you little by little as you keep walking with Him.  Desiring marriage is not a bad thing, but let's rise above the temptation to believe we can do nothing apart from a spouse - that verse only applies to Jesus, and He is always with us and working for us!  Singleness is not a punishment, and you are not beneath anyone else.  Read 1 Corinthians 7, and remember that the Apostle Paul and Jesus himself managed to live pretty meaningful lives without a spouse.  

Let's all do our best to drop the timelines we've created and keep our hearts open to whatever God has for us!  I firmly believe that He chooses for some people to grow closer to Him and reflect His heart through marriage, and for others to do so by remaining single.  I can see some valid reasons that singleness might be His plan for my future, as well as some ways marriage and motherhood would be a great fit for me... and I trust Him to lead me either way.  In the meantime, I pray for continued grace and peace from God!   And that married and single Christians will do a better job connecting with each other and growing with God together!! ❤