It's just the very worst feeling when something that should have been such a joy-filled, exciting time turns into sharp devastation and grief. When long-held hopes are crushed and you're left with emotional emptiness and confusion, physical pain, and broken plans.
We all know it feels distinctly unfair when you look at some of the wonderful, praying couples struggling with prolonged infertility versus couples who fail to plan, prepare, love, or care for their children having lots of kids. We tend to question the purpose and wonder why God allows these things, and I'm certain those feelings are multiplied when you are the one facing the loss or struggle. It's one of those times where we have to learn to trust God and not lean on our own understanding, which is always easier said than done.
Obviously, I have never stood in their shoes, but I have walked with some close friends and extended family members through miscarriages. And the way this particular loss is sometimes minimized in our society is upsetting to me - it's NOT okay. Everyone processes things differently, and if someone doesn't want to talk about it, they obviously should feel free to grieve privately and do whatever is best for them. But those who need to process their grief with others should be surrounded with love, prayer, and support the same as any parent mourning the loss of their child, because that's exactly what this is. A miscarriage is the deep and terrible loss of a child that was alive and sacred and dear to their heart. It is saying goodbye to a million small hopes and dreams at once, losing the beautiful future they pictured and dreamed about, and nothing short of that. And getting pregnant again later does not fill that void or make them forget the loss of that particular child because every human being is irreplaceable. We cannot ever minimize or dismiss that to make ourselves feel more comfortable. We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn, so they don't have to make that awful transition (from rejoicing to mourning) alone.
I'm not really sure how men think about and process these things, but most women who are excited about their pregnancy have already been planning and dreaming and praying about their child's name, delivery and date of birth, nursery room, child care, first holidays, first day of school, salvation, baptism, friendships and relationships, graduating high school, first job, marriage, children, etc., etc. They've imagined it all, including very specific conversations and special moments, big celebrations, and being there to comfort their child when things go wrong (I've done all these things while simply thinking about adopting). And if you're like me (and most women I know), you also imagine the worst case scenarios and what might go wrong. And sometimes, your worst fears become your reality. Women especially tend to carry a false sense of guilt and responsibility in these situations, which makes everything that much worse. So for Christians who understand that life begins at conception and that God forms the child in the mother's womb, there should be so much more grace and compassion and willingness to reach out and acknowledge the full weight and gravity of this loss. The life and loss of their child matters! It matters to them and it matters to God, and it matters to me.
The best thing I know to do right now is pray...
The verse I wrote down from my Bible reading yesterday is speaking to me here:
"Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at His coming." ~1 Peter 1:13
So God is reminding me to breathe. For Christians, these losses should also be viewed through the lens of His love for us... and through the far broader lens of eternity. It doesn't fix everything or stop the pain, but it shines some much-needed light in the darkness. We don't understand God's plan in these times, but we don't have to understand it to trust His heart and believe He is perfectly faithful. He promises that He is close to the brokenhearted, walking with us and carrying us through the hardest, darkest parts of our lives. And someday (hopefully soon), He will come again and restore and reunite incomplete families and make all things new! ❤
I'm still sick-ish and my thoughts are kind of jumbled, so I should probably go to bed soon. My final thought: a CHA mother whose son was diagnosed with cancer posted these lyrics a while back, and I fell in love with this song:
"O Lord, O Lord, I know You hear my cry.
Your love is lifting me above all the lies.
No matter what I face, this I know:
In time, You'll take all that is wrong
And make it right.
So I will stand my ground...
Where hope can be found."
(~Lauren Daigle)
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