October 2021

  QUOTE OF THE MONTH: 

“The great triumph of the "best life now" paradigm was that it neatly summarized the promises of an American wellness industry: everything is possible if you will only believe.  Every year billions of dollars are pumped into a wellness industry defined by the theory that we can be perfected... But I cannot outwork or outpace or outpray my cancer.  I can't dispel it with a can-do attitude..."

~Kate Bowler, No Cure for Being Human

OCTOBER GRATITUDE LIST

• My Home Study being complete! =)
• Blake and Wendy's wedding
• Finally getting to see Carter again (and watching him and T-man play football)
• A smooth refinance and closing process
  
• Dinner with the Moss fam at their place
• Dinner with Kristin W. at Olive Garden
  
• Car shopping with the fam this afternoon
  
• Halloween Trunk-or-Treat fun with the Wilsons, Mosses, and Shoemakers tonight!
  

What was life-draining this month?

• Feeling more lonely than usual at the beginning of the month
• Having the rental car for over two weeks while they haven't actually started the repair work on my car yet (not a huge deal, but kinda frustrating)
  

What was life-giving this month?

• Lindsay's encouragement on adoption
  
• Hearing the "not guilty" verdict at the end of our trial
  
• Cleaning and then hosting a movie/pizza night
• Enjoying my Christmas decor during Peloton workouts =)
  
• The entire gratitude list above. ❤
  

HAPPY LISTS

I Read:  

• Mostly other blogs and Facebook posts

I Listened To:

• Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (KJV Translation)
• No Cure for Being Human (And Other Truths I Need to Hear) by Kate Bowler
• Everybody Fights (So Why Not Get Better at It) by Penn and Kim Holderness
• The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships by Suzanne Stabile
• Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire by Jen Hatmaker
  
• The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson
  
• All my usual favorite podcasts!

I Watched:  

• Blue Bloods season 10 on Paramount Plus
• Doug Judy episodes of Brooklyn 99
• No Time to Die (the latest James Bond movie) 
  

I Made:  

• A profile on an adoption-matching website
• Built a new cube shelf that I love
  
• Decorated my lovely Christmas house (with Mom's assistance)! lol
  
• Took headshots for Lindsay
• Wrote a letter to David (dealing with major post-COVID issues)
  

 

*This recap was inspired by Emily Freeman's The Next Right Thing Journal, and I'm writing one for each month of 2021!

Thankful Thursday #132

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good,

for His steadfast love endures forever."

~Psalm 136:1

Today, I am thankful for:

1.  Jeffrey Edward and Kelly Marie... Happy 5th Anniversary to them today!!  Here's a random collage of fun memories with them. =)

2.  They had me over for dinner last night... we had BBQ sandwiches, chips, beans, and brownies!  It was so nice getting to catch up with them and hang out with Miss Ellie Faye for a bit!!

3.  Mary, one of my fellow court reporters, whose last day of work will be tomorrow!  Also thankful for this Italian Cream Cake from Ludger's! ;-)

4.  God-given hope and joy. ❤  And random FB quizzes that make me happy.  I'd be fine with this timeline, assuming the answered prayer would be me adopting in 2023 (but I'm also very fine with it happening sooner)!

5.  Blue Bloods -- I've subscribed to Paramount+ so I'm finally able to watch the last 3 seasons -- yay for new things to watch! Also thankful for Leonard Goldberg, who died in December of 2019, who originally had the idea for this show and suggested that a family dinner and prayer be a part of each episode - I really love those scenes and the family-centered tone of the show! ❤

6.  Personal growth and confidence + knowing my own worth more and more deeply. ❤

7.  Peloton (Elton John ride this morning - super fun)... and Cody Rigsby... and this ridiculous pic of him in a Golden Girls Christmas sweater... and memories of JEM and Chet and their GG obsession! =)

Happy Thursday, gang!  Hope your day and weekend ahead are fantastic... filled with the lighter side of Halloween fun (cute costumes and all the candy).  See you again soon! 

Liberty and Justice for All

 Happy Tuesday, friends!!

A couple of hopeful thoughts to start your day...

I'm feeling thankful and happy after our verdict yesterday.  Today begins a new chapter of freedom and peace for Mr. Smith and his family, and it is well-deserved.  It was the second time in my 17-year Court Reporting career that I have been adamantly for the Defendant in a jury case... I won't go into all the details here, but now that it's over, I'll say it was a First-Degree Murder charge in a situation that was obviously self-defense.  Juries can be unpredictable, but this jury was in strong agreement with most everyone I've spoken with about it.  It took them around 20 minutes total to deliberate and return with a unanimous verdict of Not Guilty on all counts - one of the shortest deliberations ever, and several of them teared up and hugged the Defendant and his wife on their way out of the courtroom.  It was an emotionally draining week that ended with this epic and hopeful moment, a rare thing for me to experience at work, and I'm super grateful to see justice prevail here! ❤

It was also a delight to get to witness Ben Fu in the courtroom throughout all the hearings we've had in this case... he was the Defense attorney, and he. is. exceptional.  Brilliant, thorough, quick-witted, and compelling!  When you combine all that with the facts of this case, it was a closing argument worth watching.  Chet called to catch up on Friday, and I filled him in on this trial, saying he was welcome to come and watch the closings if he wanted... and when he realized it was all really open to the public, he did!  It was fun for all the CCC ladies to have some company, and hopefully he enjoyed watching it!  ...He told me to let him know when our next trial would be, and I said, "Yeah, I'll call you in a couple years." lol  It's truly been so long since we tried anything before this, and it was such a terrible case to bring before a jury. 

Anyway, all in all, it was a happy day yesterday!  Here are a few photos...

My glasses are reflecting the phone pretty badly here, but oh well.

Waiting (for 20 whole minutes) on a verdict. =)

Here we are 3 years ago in that same spot!

(These next two photos were taken by Joe Tomlinson from the NonDoc website, a reporter who covered this case in detail.  You can read more about yesterday's verdict and the jurors' reactions HERE if you want.)   This = Mr. Fu and his client.

Mr. Smith, his cousin, his attorney, and one of our jurors hugging him and chatting more about it all in the parking lot after the trial.

Something crazy that happened in the middle of this trial... my tripod (that holds up my CR steno machine) totally broke.  It was right after a bench conference, and I quickly realized I would have to hold it up by hand to keep it from falling, and that wasn't really going to work since I need both hands for typing.  So we took a break, and I was able to use the tripod from my old machine.  This will matter to no one but me, but the older tripod was not a tilting one, so it put my hands in a weird position and caused a lot more strain on my arms, neck, and shoulders.  Becky, one of the other CRs in my building, had a tilting tripod that she wasn't using, so I was able to switch it out for that the next day, which was such fantastic news for me!  Yay, God!

Okay, I think that's all I've got about our trial.  Hooray for justice prevailing!  Hooray for Ben Fu and Mr. Smith and his family!  Hooray for being done!! =)

Tiffany came over on Saturday for a movie night (I was talking about the State dismissing all charges in My Cousin Vinny and we realized she's never seen it, so we remedied that).  I decided to bake some brownies for us... this = the chocolate dough + peanut butter swirled on top.  Unfortunately, something appears to be wrong with my oven, so they still looked about like this after baking for 30 minutes.  Sadness.  We ate the very edge part and threw away the raw middle. lol

Encouraging verse that's been on my heart lately:

Carter Lee and Jace Michael at a CHA football game last week

The kids swam last week without the pool being heated.  Crazies! lol

This bike bootcamp was super fun, and it always makes me happy when I can earn 4 badges in one ride! lol

The Miss K being creative and drawing this from a book cover for show-and-tell. ❤

"Grandma Laura" and "Bella-Bellsy" a few years back.  It was the 8th birthday of the girlfranz on Sunday, and I hope they celebrated well! ❤

I'm excited for this after watching the trailer... I'm such a fan of all things Marvel now!

So I went to open my windows this morning and discovered this glittery Christmas tragedy!!  Looking back, I think I may have heard it fall last night...  Farewell, lovely ornament wreath.  I'm sorry the Command Hook failed us both. =(

That's all I've got for you today.  Hope you treasure your freedom and remember to be grateful for the little things and have a fantastic week ahead! ❤

"Must be the clouds in my eyes..."

This is kind of a Memory Monday post about my 24th birthday... and the faith crisis that arose for me in that season.

This photo was taken February 18, 2008... technically the day after my 24th birthday, celebrating with my Tulsa lifegroup friends at Elephant Bar, a restaurant that has long since closed down!

It appears that I celebrated with the fam + Charlene and Kristin in OKC on my actual birthday... that crowd feels like something I would still choose today. =)  Then I had a party with dinner and cake with Scott & Kim, Allie & Caleb, Mark & Natalie, Kristin, Bobbi, Marcy, and Natalie Lovenburg on the 18th!

Of course, what I remember most vividly about that particular weekend and Monday night is not captured in the smiley birthday pics above.  My family had gone to visit our family friend, Daniel Minnich, in the hospital on the morning of my birthday that weekend.  I remember a number of specific things about that visit that I don't really feel at liberty to write about here.  A virus had caused Daniel to go into a coma on Valentine's Day.  No one knows exactly what caused it or why he became septic.  It all happened fast.  But he was in the hospital long enough for the church to rally and pray.  And personally, I prayed as earnestly as I have ever prayed for someone to be healed, really believing that God had to move since so many people were praying in faith for him to be healed -- (my theology has improved a lot since then).  

That Monday morning (2-18-2008), "Grandad Doc," my Dad's father, died.  He lived a very long life and most of his grandkids never really knew him very well, and I remember mostly feeling sad about all that he missed out on by pushing people away.  Then I got a call from Mom during that party on the 18th telling me Daniel passed away.  He was just a bit younger than me, and with our dads being close friends, our families had gotten together several times a year since we were born - Super Bowl parties and summer cookouts and Dirty Santa Christmas parties and such.  

He was the first person I knew in my age range that died.  I had *just* celebrated turning 24, and I remember that it struck me very profoundly that Daniel never would.  That was tragic and hard to process.  (And obviously hard to go back to the party after that phone call.)  Natalie G. could read my expression and knew exactly what happened from all that we'd already talked about, and she was a really comforting/insightful person to talk to on the drive home.  We had a long car chat about grief and loss and healing and God's will, etc.  Then I ate way too much leftover cake, feeling mad at God and very confused about all that He was doing... 

This photo is Daniel and his fiance, Kelly.  They were planning a June wedding, but nothing went according to plan.  *This post title is from Elton John's song, Daniel, which has been stuck in my head for a few days: "Your eyes have died, but you see more than I. Daniel, you're a star in the face of the sky... And I can see Daniel waving goodbye. Oh God, it looks like Daniel...  Must be the clouds in my eyes."

...In my life, all of this took place about 7 months after the letter that brutally ended my closest friendship and led to me becoming an outcast with the main group of friends I had in Tulsa that first summer.  (This = my last picture with Josh, hanging out at 9121 just before he left for the Ghana mission trip with ORU.)

And right in that same time frame was Blake's diagnosis and brain surgery.  The feeling of partial facial paralysis was familiar to me after having Bells Palsy, so I was emotionally invested in praying for his healing.  The doctors said there was a good chance he may recover his ability to smile, but it never happened.

A little snippet from a chapter on that season in my unfinished memoir book project:

A couple months after receiving the letter, I remember seeing a group of girls from that college friend group walking toward me, all laughing and talking with each other.  One of them obviously noticed me and whispered something, then they all tried to pretend they were really engrossed in their conversation and did not notice me.  We were the only people approaching each other in a very long hallway, and I knew turning around would only make things worse.  I took a deep breath, then we passed without speaking a word to each other... me on one side, their group on the other.  I could hear them laughing about it being awkward as soon as we passed each other, and I forced myself not to look back.  They probably went on with their day without giving it much thought, while I barely made it to my car before having a panic attack.  I had become a social pariah, and as a deeply relational person, that combination of isolation and shame was truly awful.  I struggled with so much anxiety after that about the possibility of running into Josh or any of those friends again.  For quite a while, I watched out for their cars in every parking lot, and I switched grocery stores and doctor’s offices in the effort to avoid another awkward moment.  The whole thing was exhausting and soul crushing.

Not long after the letter, my cousin received a devastating medical diagnosis that would affect the rest of his life.  And that terrible news was followed shortly by the news about our family friend, Daniel.  I have called that season "the trifecta," and it was the first time I had gone through a serious personal faith crisis.

Back then, I mistakenly believed that praying with sincere and strong faith basically ensured that God would show up and miraculously heal the person you prayed for.  I happened to be running low on friends, so I had lots of extra time to pray.  And in the middle of my brokenness, I prayed fervently for my cousin and for Daniel with every ounce of faith I had left in me.  I felt convinced that God would move and things would get better for them.

Then things digressed in both cases.

Daniel's mom was standing in faith for healing, as well.  And when we learned that he died, I felt so abandoned and confused and angry with God.  It scared me to feel that way, to question things I had believed all my life.  I began to wonder if perhaps my prayers might be falling on deaf ears the same way my phone calls to former friends were now being blocked and ignored.  I wrestled with so many questions in that season, most of them boiling down to whether God was truly good and whether He still loved me.

❤ ❤ ❤

It is not an exaggeration to say that I begged God for my former friends to change their minds, for Daniel to be healed, and for my cousin’s paralysis to be temporary.  He had other plans.

And I won’t sugarcoat the fact that it took me a long time to climb back up and work through all of this...

A long time to forgive people who had moved on without apology.
A long time to reach out and build new friendships.
A long time to feel close to God again and develop a deeper, more mature faith.

I wish I could tell you one specific moment or secret that changed everything, but it was several little things that gradually brought me back into the light.  And honestly, God is not big on using formulas anyway.  His work with us is always intensely personal.

It is amazing how much damage toxic theology can do to someone’s heart and view of God.  And to be clear, believing we can control God with our prayers is extremely toxic and false.  The insinuation that people who are suffering should simply muster up stronger faith and things will change, or that their illness is the result of a lack of faith is destructive and untrue.  This line of thinking denies God’s sovereignty, AND it puts a really unfair burden on people God loves who are already suffering and hurting.  In addition, it often results in us feeling unreasonably angry with God in the end for not honoring a promise He never actually gave us.

God listens to our prayers.  He knows our hearts.  He cares deeply, and He loves us.  But His sovereign will always prevails, and it will not always be what we have asked Him for.  Not everyone we love will be healed, but that does not mean our prayers are pointless.  There will be times when we have to trust God's heart toward us and believe by faith that He is still good in the middle of our very fallen world.  His ways are higher than our ways.  And He is able to see the future purpose when we can only see the present pain.

We serve a mighty God who performs great miracles of healing.

Sometimes they are tangible and external and thrilling.

And other times, He quietly heals our hearts. 

“I know the sorrow and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word.
But even if You don't, my hope is You alone.”
~Mercy Me, Even If

Monday Randomness

Tonight's DWTS is a Grease music theme, and someone in the #BooCrew made the following memes that are cracking me up!  

Thanks to using Hulu and not having TV channels, I can't watch it until tomorrow, but that sure doesn't mean I won't be text-voting for Cody 10 times tonight! lol

To be honest, I've been struggling with feeling more loneliness lately...  I deeply understand that God is always with me and that I have multiple good friends and family members who would show up strong for me in any crisis, but I'm missing the day-to-day feeling of real connectedness and belonging and being seen... It's obvious that life stages are rapidly shifting in very positive ways but also ways that make them less available for most of my closest friends, so I want to take responsibility for my own happiness and step up and work on finding a new Bible Study group and building more community rather than wallowing in feeling melancholy.

I'm reading Suzanne Stabile's The Path Between Us about Enneagram connections, and this little section about the Nine (my personality on that chart) really hit me:  

"Nines have the ability to disconnect in any relationship.  Nines have a tendency to erase themselves from events.  Nines manage relational exposure/vulnerability by assuring themselves that their presence doesn't matter.  They can contribute what they have to offer... or not... believing that it won't affect the outcome either way.  Your presence in the lives of those around you matters a lot.  You can't be healthy and whole if you spend you life setting yourself aside in order to connect with others.  There are times when you must assert yourself regardless of the cost.  There is no such thing as a healthy relationship that is void of anger, disappointment, and conflict."  

Eek, I so resonate with the idea of erasing myself from events and believing most group events would look largely the same whether I was present or not (perhaps with the exception of the lovely photos I usually take).  I thought that was just a quiet introvert thing, but perhaps not.  So I want to get better at engaging and believing my presence does actually matter to people not just in one-on-one conversations, but also in group hangouts!  Anyway, some little things to work on as I grow forward there. =)

I'm also feeling this... and planning to do a fall cleaning weekend soon!

On Cody's latest Pop ride, he went on for a while about Halloween candy, and specifically his love for KitKats and Rolos.  I was very inspired by that speech! lol

I'm trying Lara Casey's "Power Sheets" for 2022... a calendar to help you set and cultivate personal goals!

I'm excited about it already, and happy with the floral cover I chose!

Truth.  I'm feeling this more lately too, which doesn't necessarily help with the lonely feeling, but it gives me more reason to keep building new memories and new connections!

A card I made for Grandad several years ago... ❤

And one for Babah, as well.  I feel like I should start incorporating illustrations into more of my cards - even with simple stick-people drawings, it makes it much more fun! lol

The Peloton obsession is still going strong - I'm such a fan, and it does give me a sense of virtual community/joy even in the midst of a season where I've felt far more aware of loneliness/emptiness than I did pre-reconnection.

 

Above is what I see in front of me, and this = the view to my left on the bike! =)

A Cody Rigsby quote to add some pep to your day! lolol

I picked up my happy rental car on Friday... a silver Kia Optima with California license plates.  It's an adjustment being so low to the ground, but I remembered to get my garage door opener, and I immediately paired it with my phone, so all is well! =)

The best girlfranz in the world are doing well... they'll be turning 8 years old this coming Sunday!  David sent me this picture, and it made me laugh that Bella-Bellsy is so calm while Sam-Puff is right in his face needing attention! lol

Some fried mozzarella from Maggiano's right in the comfort of my own home!!

When I saw them listed on DoorDash, I was very confused!  It turns out that Maggiano's Italian Classics is a partnership they have with DoorDash at certain Chili's locations where they only make their top 10 bestselling dishes... including the appetizer above, the lasagna, the chicken parm, etc.  Yes, please! =)

And a very random final photo, just because turtles in their little shells with all their slowness and shy-looking smiley appearance make me very happy! ❤

Happy Monday, friends!!  If all goes as planned, tomorrow begins our first Jury Trial in over two years!  A full day of jury voir dire with everyone in masks will be the actual worst, so prayers appreciated!

Football and More

Yesterday was the first time I've seen Carter since he moved to the Deppens' house!  It was nice to see him again, and fun getting to see him and T-man play in their last home football game this season!!

(Carter is #22 and Triston is #80.)

This = Mom and Jace doing their daily eye therapy routine before the football game that night.  After the game, I drove back to Tulsa while they worked on homework until 8:30, which also seems to be a tradition lately (Mom helping with the grandkids well past 7pm most days for the last few weeks).  I'm thankful for her sake that they have Fall Break the rest of this week, although it may actually mean more work for her in the end!

Jace Michael with his new gorilla transformer, which I'm pretty certain was a generous gift rather than an earned reward.  The Transformers obsession is still going very strong!

Kyndal and her friend, Dylan... it makes me laugh that they hold hands walking around the football stadium! 

Just a meme I thought was worth saving.

I bought a cube shelf and built it myself on Friday night - HOORAY!!  It was my first time using Target pickup - highly recommend - and the shelf and three gray cubes were $42 total, which made me happy!  I always feel accomplished when I build things. lol  The instructions repeatedly said it "requires two people for assembly," so I counted Jesus as my second person. lol  Ironically, the hardest part was nailing the 3 back panels on, but I took my time and got it done!

I tried it vertically first, but it looks best this way!  I really love it, and it's nice to have some extra storage space here!!

Just a Christmas 2017 memory that makes me laugh!

I want to remember this.  I have a choice in what I say yes to and what I allow in my thoughts and in my life, and I want to choose wisely!

Part of my "Power Thoughts" I wrote out and have been listening to every day for a couple months says, "I choose to take full responsibility for my actions and behaviors... My heart matters, my voice matters, and my story matters."  I want to do a better job of leaning into God when I feel overwhelmed or resentful or frustrated.  In a recent podcast, Christine Caine reminded me that sometimes Christians these days focus too much on finding "our tribe" and forming an unshakable friend community when the truth is that people are flawed and imperfect, and we will all let each other down in a myriad of ways, so we should place more emphasis on getting closer to God and worry less about cultivating the world's best family-and-friends circle -- I loved that and needed the reminder.  The God who created us is with us and for us always -- the people who love us are just the icing on that cake.  I want to acknowledge and embrace the idea that I can always make choices toward growing with God and being a strong, healthy, functional person regardless of what anyone else I love is choosing.  Not easy, but worth the effort.

Okay, okay, that's all for today.  I'm grateful I got to have lunch with Sarah Elizabeth this afternoon - always a treat to catch up with her!  Hope you enjoy this shorter work week!  ...And I hope you feel God's presence and His protective love shielding you and strengthening you for whatever you are called to do in this season!! ❤