Grace...

This = a lovely new faux-flower arrangement Mom made for me!
(Not directly applicable to this post, but a pretty photo so it will have a thumbnail image.)

I feel very aware of my need for God these days... which is a polite way to say that I'm struggling.  And I am reminding myself that it was just over a month ago that I was taking a seemingly final negative pregnancy test days after finding out Mom's cancer was back.  Life doesn't stop for our hard moments, so we moved right on into Christmas and New Years and the surgery and now birthday season and grad school starting back up.  But I am not over it or done processing all of that (and that is normal and okay).

In John Eldredge's podcast this week, he talked about how our spiritual enemy loves to attack us in vulnerable places - that he's a shark who smells blood in the water, and he will never hesitate to kick us when we're already down and an easier target.  And I immediately knew it to be true, and I was grateful for the reminder that there are other forces at play here.  I'm having to work harder lately to focus on truth and push out dark thoughts and fears.  It's jarring when I've been in a good place for so long.  It helps me so much to know it's not just me - that lies are being yelled at me in the spiritual realm - and that I am in the position of spiritual authority over the enemy.  I am not under his rule or bound to his lies in any way!!  With the medication changes, I'm aware that there are likely some physical and hormonal components to this, as well, so I need to have more GRACE for myself all around here.  I've deliberately kept more background noise going lately.  But in the quiet moments, I have felt some intense shame, confusion, loneliness, and age-related doubts about pursuing any of my goals and dreams.  As if I should just give up completely at age 38!?  It's completely absurd when I look at it in the light, but it's a quick spiral when my heart is unguarded.  I just wanted to write and be honest about that struggle this morning.  Especially as my soul is recovering, I need to remember that I'm being targeted by a vicious enemy who knows where I am vulnerable, and I need to pray, stay close to God, seek connection and support and TRUTH, and keep my guard up.

I love verse 5 in the chapter below - the promise that God will satisfy my desires (another translation) and renew my youth.  I am holding on to that today.  God's heart toward me/us is good.  And slow progress is still progress.  More on that later.

"Bless the Lord, my soul, 

and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

Bless the Lord, my soul, and never forget any of His benefits:

He continues to forgive all your sins,

He continues to heal all your diseases,

He continues to redeem your life from the Pit,

and He continuously surrounds you with gracious love and compassion.

He keeps satisfying you with good things,

and He keeps renewing your youth like the eagle’s.

The Lord continuously does what is right,

executing justice for all who are being oppressed...

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

patient, and abundantly rich in gracious love."

~Psalm 103:1-8

This ISV translation emphasizes that God is continuously at work in our lives.  Compassion, grace, patience, and rich love... four things my heart needs today, and I'm thankful that these qualities describe God's heart toward me!! ❤