Weekend Update

Happy Saturday, and happy 7th day of this new year!!

I keep forgetting to post them, so here are a couple cute photos from my Chick-Fil-A lunch with Kristin and the boys a couple weeks ago - love them!! =)

My new phone cover- yay - I like that I can prop it up to watch videos now! lol

My goal is daily Peloton workouts this year, and this lovely poster will help me stay motivated as I track that!  (This month, I'm striving for a 15-minute morning workout and a 30-minute walk or ride 5 days a week + a 20-minute ride and 10-minute stretch on Sundays).  So far so good - I'll reassess and may set a new plan in February!

My thoughts were starting to spiral in a pretty negative direction this afternoon, then I caught myself and reminded myself that I was running on not enough sleep... then took a nap and felt much better/stronger physically and emotionally when I woke up.  I like that I'm getting better at catching my thoughts and stopping the destructive rabbit trails.

Sometimes (like right now) my fear of failure causes me to try to talk myself into giving up - telling myself that my goals don't really matter much anyway or are really going to be too difficult to attain for any number of reasons.  So I am fighting that with truth, and I'm thinking a lot about this lately...

When it comes to graduate school, I'm feel some real anxiety and self-doubt.  I am smart and capable and good at writing, but this program is challenging, and it's demanding me to grow in some areas that are FAR less familiar and comfortable to me.

 I always want things like this to involve making one big courageous decision, then it all falls into place.  But it requires repeatedly choosing faith and sacrificing my time and pushing through my own inner doubts, insecurities, and anxieties.  Obviously, there is a purpose in all of it, and the personal growth will be a good thing...

If I were pregnant right now, I would have easily talked myself into quitting this school program.  But thus far, the doors have been closed for motherhood, but very open for Colorado Christian.  And I know that's not an accident.

 I cannot do it all at once (no one could), but I can push hard to finish school and graduate next fall... and pursue my health goals in the meantime and possibly try for embryo adoption later this year!  ...If you ate a big spoonful of baking soda or cocoa, it wouldn't be any good standing on its own.  But when you add each of the correct ingredients IN THE RIGHT ORDER, you get a pretty awesome cake!  I heard a sermon where they went into detail on that illustration, and it was helpful to me, as metaphors so often are!  I am going to be an older parent whether that starts this year or next, but if I take a breath and postpone it for one year, I can become a much healthier parent with a more fulfilling (and lucrative) work life.  I have to trust God's timing and grace and let go of any age-related fears on parenting.  I have to be willing to slooooow down, and to stay open to HIS plan and keep seeking His guidance as I move forward!!

There is purpose in everything God does, and I am trusting that the desires of my heart matter to Him!!

So part of my recent anxiety has been this school vs. adoption decision and feeling some insecurity and fear about whether I can really finish these things well... and part of it has been knowing that Mom's surgery is set for this coming Thursday and hoping the scans and biopsies will show no spread of cancer.  I am praying over all of it and starting to feel more clarity and peace.  Jesus is Lord, and the more I turn my eyes and heart to Him, the more I feel His life and hope and peace reshaping my energy... Jesus over everything!

I hope you're doing well, and I value you and your prayers, friends and fam! 

The best is yet to come!! ❤