FEBRUARY 2023!

QUOTE OF THE MONTH:

"Mental health is not about feeling good.
It is about having feelings that FIT THE MOMENT YOU ARE IN,
and then managing them well."
~Dr. Lisa Damour

Victories, Big and Small:

• Resting when needed (not forcing the workout routine when I was sick).
• I'm on day 7 of no sweets for Lent, and it's going well thus far!
• Beginning my full year of WW tracking on 2-18-23.  (Down 19 lbs total for 2023.)
• Enjoying listening to the Bible every morning!
• Taking time to think things through and pray and not overreact... writing a letter to Dr. Burkhart... eventually meeting with him and having a good talk and feeling much better about sticking with graduate school!
• Working with my student advisor to map out a schedule where I can stay on the original degree plan and finish next year - YAY!  My current courses are Crisis and Trauma, Empathy Training, and Professional Ethics, in case you were curious. lol

Partial Successes/Areas for Improvement:

• I'm looking forward to getting back into a solid workout routine in March!
• Preparing for role plays and group projects and especially starting Practicum in August still gives me some anxiety... but I'm getting better at deliberately looking ahead to be fully aware of what's coming, then taking things one step at a time.
• I want to improve my skills on something my professor called "incremental truth" -- not saying too much all at once where it may cause the other person to shut down, but being gentle and taking it one piece at a time, giving people time to process things and grow before moving to the next item. (Not sure if that makes sense here, but it was poignant when she talked about it - it's basically slowing down your agenda and walking with the Spirit.)

Memories:

• Celebrating all the birthdays... so many February birthdays, including the BIRTH-day of Henry Moss!!
• Getting pink eye on my birthday - ugh!
• Seeing T-man in the school play
• Jaceman's first surgery, first cast, and first permed hair! lol
• Watching the Super Bowl with the fam
• Anthony's 11th birthday balloon release!
• Going with Mom and Dad to help decorate Babah's room
• Dad's eye looking very rough post-surgery (he's still recovering on that one)
• Being sick (sinus infection, cough, etc.) throughout the last half of February - lamesauce - that's me and Mom and most of the Parrish family!

(February gets two collages because I take too many photos!)

Listened to:

• The four audiobooks mentioned HERE + started Beth's book!
• The usual podcasts =)

Lessons Learned:

• From personal experience - Rest and laughter are good medicine.  (And actual medicine is also pretty helpful. lol)
• From personal experience - Being shorthanded at work is the worst... so much covering for other judges lately... hoping for more downtime/time to work on homework in March!
• From an encouraging talk with Chet Lee - God brings good things out of our hardest seasons... And it's helpful to have friends who believe in me and can remind me how far I've already come!
• From Beth Moore's example - It is often more costly than we expect to follow God's plan for our lives... but always worth it!
• From Dr. Burkhart - There is a way for counselors to uphold Christian values and integrity while following the secular guidelines, but you have to be well-prepared and be smart about it.  This is Kingdom work.
• From the Holy Spirit - The lingering fears, doubts, and sense of obligation holding me back from fully committing to CCU was not coming from God or my family or friends.  So I've let it go, and I'm all in!

Crazy that the final day of February is already here.
Tomorrow, we're March-ing on! ;-)  Still one of my very fav One Republic songs!!

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

This Gospel Truth of Old

"In the darkness, we were waiting, without hope, without light.
'Til from Heaven You came running - there was mercy in Your eyes...

To reveal the Kingdom coming, and to reconcile the lost
To redeem the whole creation, You did not despise the cross.
For even in your suffering, You saw to the other side.
Knowing this was our salvation, Jesus, for our sake, You died!

And the church of Christ was born, then the Spirit lit the flame.
Now this gospel truth of old shall not kneel, shall not faint!!!
By His blood and in His name, in His freedom, I am free!
For the love Jesus Christ, who has resurrected me."
~King of Kings, Hillsong

LOVE those lyrics!

Okay, so following up after yesterday's post, I just want to say it always bothers me when I feel like I'm hiding something... which is part of why I wrote the motherhood update post in December and why I wrote about my super-riveting first book yesterday.  Even though I could feel the eyeroll all the way from Tulsa from at least one of you. lol  (That was the story I was telling myself, but may have been wrong across the board - my friends had more faith in my personal growth than I expected.  Yay progress. lol)  I just needed to throw it out there, and the anniversary of our last communication seemed like a good moment.

As I listen to Beth's memoir, I think a lot about how I will be writing my own someday (after my grad school program and my child's toddler years are over).  And I want to grow in my ability to write honestly and poignantly... being clear about hard things without feeling like I have to tie everything up in a neat little bow... but at the same time, to be God-honoring and to make sure nothing I say is acidic or bitter or coming from a vengeful place.  It's a tall order, but not impossible.  It will require more personal growth and time with God and making sure I am fully healed before I try to help others in that area.  (The same way Beth and Joyce have talked and written about their abusive fathers and the way Lysa has talked  and written about her unfaithful husband... and their stories of personal healing and growth have been a huge help to others who have been through similar things.)

Anyway, church this morning was good and encouraging... about how the Kingdom of God is something that starts out small but has a massive impact and influences everything it touches... and how that can be true of us, both individually and corporately as followers of Christ!!  

Then the last verse of the song above is one that really hits me and feels powerful! ❤

Anyway, hope it encourages you too!  And I hope you're doing well and that you have a lovely last three days of February!!

Whitewashing and Mental Health

I'm currently listening to Beth Moore's new memoir on audiobook.

I'm still in the early chapters, but I love that she has written her story down for us... and I love getting to see so clearly how she became the powerhouse woman of God she is today.  She is also one of few Christian leaders who has been willing to consistently stand strong against church corruption (specifically the willingness to overlook, hide, and dismiss sexual sin within the SBC church leadership).

That makes even more sense to me as I read her book.  As a child, she was the victim of incest and sexual abuse and molestation.  From a young age, she lived in fear of her abusive pedophile biological father every night... eventually also learning about his extramarital affairs and other hidden sin... all while watching him be the leader of their Sunday school at church.  That had an effect.  The level of healing, wholeness, and growth with God in her life is truly miraculous.  And her humility and sincerity in ministry to the outcast and hurting and "the least of these" ...combined with her boldness in pointing out corruption in pompous church leadership is as close to the heart and human life of Christ as anyone I've ever seen.

I am grateful for her example.

One part of her story that was interesting and relatable for me was when she found some old prayer journals where she had thanked God for her family and wrote glowingly about her home life... not intentionally lying, but being in survival mode and whitewashing her family history trying to make it what she deeply wished it had been.  It's a complicated thing to heal from trauma, big or small.  And as Christians, we want to feel clean and redeemed and offer forgiveness, but we can't just shove the messy stuff under a rug and skip over the work-of-healing part.  Sometimes we alter the story to something that feels more honoring to God in our minds, but God "desires truth in our inmost being."  Of course, Beth realized that and spent years with Jesus working through her past and finding real healing and freedom.  

I'm thankful she did.  Her ministry has had a wonderful impact on my life, and I'm glad she has been willing to endure the nonsensical filleting she's received from so many cowardly men in the church in recent years.  It's most definitely a case of them hating her without a cause, and it's been hard to watch for the many women who have been changed by her passionate devotion to God.

* * * * * * *

I heard this definition of mental health on the Holderness Family Podcast, and it has stuck with me:

"Mental health is not about feeling good.  It is about having feelings that fit the moment you are in, and then managing them well."  ~Dr. Lisa Damour 

I love that - she argues that distress is evidence of mental health when people are going through something upsetting, as long as they find healthy coping strategies (not causing harm to themselves or others).  I want to ingrain that into my mind - it's not about constantly finding the positives and reframing hard things; it's about acknowledging hard realities and learning to navigate them in a healthy way.

* * * * * * *

On a slightly-related note, today marks two years since the last time I had any communication with Malori.  That friendship ending is something I worked very hard to whitewash and find beauty and redemption in, but I want to be sure I'm looking at the whole truth.  It was hard and humiliating and confusing.  I felt alone in managing the weight of caring so deeply for someone who cared so little for me.  Intentional or not, probably coming from brokenness, there was gaslighting and abrupt shutting down and callousness on her end.  Intentional or not, probably coming from brokenness, there was unhealthy clinging, misplaced faith, and ungrounded hope on my end.

It was wrong and undeserved.  It mattered.  It hurt me deeply.  

I'm choosing to forgive.   But I can never reopen this or let her back in.

I deeply wish it were different.  A fractured close relationship will never feel normal to me.

But I accept that this severing cannot and will not be mended in this earthly life.

That's the truest way I know to write about it today.

I never mentioned it, but I compiled an actual 270-page book on that subject over the summer two years ago (when I wasn't allowing myself to blog about it publicly).  Including messages, old posts, photos, and lots of journal-style writing.  It was always intended for my eyes only, and I thought it would be helpful in the process of healing.  I've honestly never read through it, but I'm guessing it probably reads a bit like Beth's old prayer journals, a sincere effort but a rose-colored glasses version of events that glosses over the pain and completely reframes the person causing it.  Lysa TerKeurst talked about her tendency to cope with pain by trying to "tidy up" what was happening and hyper-spiritualize everything so that she could "get over it without going through it."  Man, I soooo get that.  I know I try using the "God works all things together for good" verse as a Band-Aid to make terrible things feel better immediately.

But sometimes we need to be clear with ourselves that terrible things were terrible.  Mental health is acknowledging the good things in front of us and the hard realities that come against us and finding healthy ways to cope as we walk through our pain.  (Honest writing is definitely a part of that for me, but I am still growing in my ability to be really honest with myself.)

Anyway, God is always good, but life isn't... and it's okay and good and right to call trauma trauma and to call toxic relationships toxic.  Here's to mental health, and to accepting today's reality (whatever that means for you) and engaging in life as the healthiest possible version of ourselves, one day at a time! ❤

Photo Friday + Memes

 Happy Friday, friends and family!!  Without further ado, here are the latest memes I've collected:

This is me so many days. lol

Not struggling with these currently, but this still made me laugh. I ❤ baby Yoda!

Something I'm going to work on.  Also, highly recommend following The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram!

Super fun in music class, though! lol

This would be me.  I'm completely oblivious to analog clocks. lol

This = my mood today.  I was called on last minute to cover for another judge in the morning, then again for a different judge this afternoon... and the hearing went till 6:20.  I was *not* thrilled.

Probably already posted this here, but it makes me laugh!

I've been taking it easy with 5-10 minute workouts lately as I've been sick, but coloring in this calendar is  fun and motivating to me!  

A makeup-free pic to commemorate this bout with double pink eye!

Flashback Friday - Dad's side of the fam at Kristin and Frankie's wedding!  (Note tiny Triston and Carter front right!)

This pic of Chet and Tate at the preschool's Dad night makes me happy! ❤

And so does this of the Moss fam home with baby Henry! ❤  Fun fact: now the Wilsons, Shoemakers, Fosters, and Mosses all have one boy and one girl!!

Just a fun pic of Annie F. Downs podcasting away.  Never met her in person, but I feel like we'd be good friends, and that counts for something! lol

Kyndal Faith's basketball team!

Makes me happy that I actually know every girl's name... and the two girls next to Kyndal are daughters of my former classmates.  Also, number 13 on the front - she is super feisty, and I love it!  She's the smallest one on the team, but she's aggressive and intense, and she'll randomly throw in a back-handspring or cartwheel every once in a while on her way down the court! lolol  Best part of the game! lol

So far, 2023 has been a year of transformation for the Jaceman!  Braces, a cast on his arm, and now a perm!  I am soooo fascinated that this is becoming a trend for boys!! lol

Classic cast pic! lol

One more Friday Flashback to this week in 2010!!  Fun times with Diving Deeper Lifegroup friends! lol

Almost done, I promise!!  This = a quick screenshot from my meeting with the Dean of the Counseling program at CCU.  It went very well.  He was respectful, caring, and insightful.  My concerns were heard, my integrity was valued, and my original impression of these leaders was confirmed.  After listening to his perspective, I feel very encouraged and ready to step up and press in and press on with the program!  ...This really mattered to me, and I thank God for leaders who are not dismissive.

That's all for tonight!  I wish you a restful and fun weekend ahead!! ❤

February Book Reviews

First off, here's a fun throwback photo to this day four years ago... JEM taking a quick pic before we left the hospital... this was the day the Wilson fam and I first got to meet Ellie, one day after she was born!!  I love this pic, and even though it wasn't actually that long ago, I feel like we all look really young and vibrant here, full of pre-pandemic joys and hopes. lol

Anyway, now for my February audiobook reviews...

1.  I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

This one was recommended repeatedly on podcasts I enjoy.  Rough title; very interesting book.  This is a memoir by Jenette (a teen actress in iCarly), who does a great job of writing from the perspective of her childhood self who viewed her mom as her best friend and assumed she always had her best interest at heart.  It took years for her to see it more clearly and understand that her mother was a narcissist who encouraged her eating disorder, forced her into an acting career, and was abusive in more ways than one.  She writes with honesty and humor about some difficult subjects and about slowly finding freedom and healing.  And by the time you reach the end of the book, the title makes a lot more sense.

2.  Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry

I didn't care much for this title, but it was also an interesting read!  Chet Lee's favorite Friends star (JK) gives fun details about his acting career, Hollywood friendships, best and worst movies, landing the role of Chandler on Friends, and struggling to find good roles since then.  He writes about how his self-doubt caused him to sabotage relationships with women from Julia Roberts to Neve Campbell to Lauren Graham to Lizzy Caplan.  And more than anything else, he writes about his lengthy and very painful struggle with drug addiction.  His stories and perspective were interesting, and I genuinely wish him well and hope he stays healthy in the future!  Still, I was frustrated to see that he continually painted himself in the victim light and struggled to take responsibility for his own choices, at times blaming God (his version of God) for his addiction issues.  So it was really interesting, but not inspiring.

3.  Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

I never watched this show, so I knew nothing about this aside from it being recommended on a podcast.  It's a fictional story about two families and how their  various relationships weave together.  The ending was TV-worthy drama, yet relationally unsatisfying to me.  Maybe there will be another book/season that brings more closure?  Anyway, my main takeaway or memory from this one (certainly not the author's intent) was the story of a woman who became pregnant via donor on her *fifth* attempt.  This story included adoption drama, surrogacy, abortion, and a lot of defining and redefining what constitutes a family.

4.  The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter

I was drawn to this title as someone who wants to get out of my comfort zone and take more risks; I am not loving the book at all and likely won't finish it.  It's definitely written for men more than women, and the author uses lots of statistics that don't translate as well via audiobook.  There's a lot of talk about bears, and the author continually refers to evolution to explain human behaviors and tendencies, and I'm not on board with any of that.

* * * * * * *

In other slightly book-related news, it makes me happy to know that these three women (all Christian authors, podcasters, and speakers) are all fellow Enneagram 9s.  Melanie Shankle, Sophie Hudson, and Lysa TerKeurst!  Melanie and Sophie have talked a lot about having a hard time getting started with writing, starting with years of blogging but needing someone to push them to keep working on their book goals, but they've built successful careers talking about everyday life stuff, and they've written great memoir books that are inspiring and fun!  Then there's Lysa, who has been through the ringer relationally, but her faith becomes brighter each time, and she has so much grace and wisdom and good, practical advice for hurting people!  I find each of them inspiring and relatable, and it's encouraging to me to see people with a very similar personality to myself succeeding as Christian authors - YAY!!

A few quick quotes:

Lysa:  "Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like."

"I will no longer diminish the best of who I am to cover up the worst of who someone else is."

"It’s impossible to hold up the banners of victim and victory at the same time."

"Sometimes I care so much about what the other person is feeling that I forget it's not my job to own their feelings or manage their feelings.  It's my job to be kind but clear, and it's their job to manage their feelings... I've learned it is not necessary to overexplain why this is a no."

Melanie:  "David knew how deeply he was loved, and that knowledge brought him to redemption and repentance every time he messed up... Satan wants nothing more than to let our fear of who we were keep us from becoming who God wants us to be."

"There are probably only a handful of times in our lives when someone who will change us forever walks in -- when we find someone we can love with our whole hearts, who will challenge us and shape us and make us feel like the world is safer and brighter just because they are in it. A person who loves us for exactly who we are, yet teaches us to be better because of who they are and how they live their life.”

Sophie:  "Watching and learning from Mama and the other women in my family gave me a deep love for home and hearth and taking care of people. I knew from a young age that there was eternal value in those things."

"When the Holy Spirit gives you compassion for someone, it really doesn’t matter how many years stand between your respective dates of birth. All that matters is responding to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and recognizing that any opportunity to speak into someone’s life, bless them, pray for them, or minister to them -- well, it is a privilege."

MM ~ Balloon Release

Today's Memory Monday = the balloon release for Anthony's 11th birthday on Saturday!

For anyone new here, Anthony is my cousin, Kristin, and her husband Frankie's firstborn son.  He was born with congenital heart defects and endured multiple surgeries and complex medical procedures and long hospital stays.  He passed away in his sleep two weeks after we celebrated his 1st birthday.  Today, he's alive and healthy and whole in heaven... and that profound reality allows them to grieve with the hope of seeing him again... but the grief and pain are still very real as they hold in their hearts all their hopes and dreams and the unending list of things that might have been.

This year was the tenth birthday balloon release.  I've missed a couple due to his February 15th birthday being so close to mine.  But here are pictures from a few of the past years... 

And a few more from this year...

I'm genuinely excited for so many things about our future in heaven... including these boys getting to meet their older brother!  And Kristin and Frankie getting to see him again and have their whole family together!

For now, they send balloons to him in heaven... and I have every confidence that Anthony sees it all and feels loved and celebrated!

I made this drawing for them last year.  With Jesus at the center, holding a birthday gift for Anthony and holding Kristin's hand as he grabs the next balloon to add to the pile.  And Kristin's beloved dog, Bocephus, hanging out with Anthony up there!  (And placecards at the table for other family members and friends they love and miss).  I love that God can be everywhere at once.  It means He is always with us - close by in our time of need, and our loved ones in heaven are always with Him.  Jesus is the mediator and connecting point in more ways than one!  I also love that this verse can apply to the remainder of our lives on earth, and it also applies to our eternity in heaven!  We have a future and an eternal hope because of the work of Christ, and that is worth celebrating!!

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord.

Because He is at my right hand,

I will not be moved.

And so my heart is glad.

My soul is full of joy. 

My body also will REST IN HOPE.

For you will not give me over to the grave...

You have made known to me the paths of life.

You will fill me with joy in Your presence."

~Psalm 16:8-11 and Acts 2:25-28

Stronger than Hate

I'm feeling this song lately.  The lines in bold are my mantra as I'm starting this new year of life.  It's not an overtly Christian song, but there are clearly spiritual undertones, particularly in that second verse, and when you realize you can substitute "God" for "Love" every time...

You say you see no hope
You say you see no reason we should dream
That the world would ever change.
You're saying Love is foolish to believe.
'Cause there'll always be some crazy
With an army or a knife
To wake you from your daydream,
Put the fear back in your life.

Look, if someone wrote a play
Just to glorify what's stronger than hate,
Would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the Hero came too late?
He's almost in defeat;
It's looking like the evil side will win
So on the edge of every seat,
From the moment that the whole thing begins

It is Love who mixed the mortar
And it's Love who stacked these stones
And it's Love who made the stage here,
Although it looks like we're alone.
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay,
There is evil cast around us,
But it's Love that wrote the play.
For in this darkness, Love can show the way.

Now the stage is set...
You can feel your own heart beating in your chest
This life's not over yet,
So we get up on our feet and do our best!
We play against the fear;
We play against the reasons not to try.
We're playing for the tears
Burning in the happy angel's eyes.

For it's Love who mixed the mortar
And it's Love who stacked these stones
And it's Love who made the stage here
Though it looks like we're alone.
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay,
There is evil cast around us,
But it's Love that wrote the play.
For in this darkness, Love will show the way!

~Show the Way by David Wilcox

Other songs (mostly older ones) repeating on my playlist lately:

The Living Years - love the chorus and the harmonies on this one!  "Say it, say it, say it loud - say it clear.  You can listen as well as you hear."

Cruz by Christina Aguilera - arguably the best song on that album - about moving forward and feeling inspired and finding freedom - I love it!

Surface Pressure by Lin Manuel Miranda (from Encanto) - fantastic song about family pressure and what it might look like to let it go...

Madness by Muse - great beat, and it takes me back to a very specific season and friendship!

That's all for today! ❤

39

Hello, delightful friends and family!  I'm in the midst of a very restful Sunday at home.  I'm in the process of recovering from sickness, which makes me very grateful for this four-day weekend!  My ambitious plans for the rest of today include a short slow flow yoga class, a bath, reading a bit, and watching a movie! =)

In spite of this sinus infection and the sudden birthday onset of viral pink eye, I'm happy to say that I felt very loved and well-celebrated on my 39th birthday, and I feel a growing determination and hopeful strength rising up in me as I focus on the year (and years) ahead!

And now, as you likely expected, here are a few photos!!  Rach and I decided BJs was a solid choice for celebrating our birthdays with the fam - that way, we could all get our fav pizookies and not have to bother with a whole cookie cake.  Here's our group pic after dinner!

K-Faith made me such a lovely card!  As an artsy person who once put a great deal of effort into creative projects, I understand the time, energy, and effort it takes to be creative with something like this, and I ALWAYS want to acknowledge and fully appreciate that!!  I also want to start putting in more effort on little things like this again - even if it gets torn up and thrown away, it's not a waste if it makes someone feel seen and special and loved!! ❤

She made Rach an adorable, slightly sassy card, as well, and went to sit with her as she opened it!

I sat between Kyndal and Tman, as per usual! ❤  We had a good talk about his upcoming London trip and about her talent show try-outs!

Speaking of creative time and effort - I love the colorful 3D border on the front, and the one on the inside too!  Rachael does homemade cards really well, and it is valued!! ❤

On my actual day of birth, I had a birthday dinner with my fabulous Tulsa friend group at Red Rock!

The sunglasses are to hide the untreated pink eye, which was producing gross things and making my eye water continually!  The lack of hugs on all sides is bc I was contagious and trying not to share this particular gift with anyone! lol

An amazing chocolate peanut butter swirl cake from Ludger's Bavarian Cakery, courtesy of the Wilsons!!  Chet brought and added the peanut butter chips and chocolate chips on top to make it more festive (photo below), and I love the attention to detail on little stuff like that! lol  I also love having dependable friends who care enough to check in with me a couple weeks early on what kind of cake I'd like, then order it early and bring it to the restaurant early for them to keep it refrigerated!  It doesn't go unnoticed.  It means a lot to me, and I love the cute tea towel they got for me, as well!

Also love these happy spring tulips from the Moss family... (and it makes me happy that JEM and Kelly are on both sides in this picture behind the flowers).  I was thankful they were able to make it, as baby Henry Edward could be coming any day now!!  I also got a precious coloring book page of Peppa Pig as a birthday gift from Ellie Faye! ❤

A pre-dinner pic with LB as we were all waiting in the lobby for a while!  Laura got me a lovely card, along with some wonderful sweet treats from Cookie Doodle, my favorite little bakery in Jenks!

Tiffany wasn't able to make it for the party, but Laura brought her card and gift, and I really loved the thoughtfulness she put into writing these blessings verses!! ❤

All of this makes me feel like I've been slacking, so one goal I have for the year ahead is to put more effort and creativity into my cards and gifts for close friends and family!!

And yay for continuing the bday celebrations with Kristin W. and the Foster fam soon, both of whom have already gone out of their way to make me feel loved and special on my birthday!!

Last year, I wrote a lengthy birthday post about leveling up (HERE).  I just read through it again and felt grateful for the reminder of God's hand at work in my life over the past four decades!  I'm so thankful for the way my close friends and family have gone above and beyond this year, and I look forward to finishing this fourth decade of life out strong!! ❤