A Hopeful Thought

"You don't have to dismiss your pain here. 

You don't have to shrink it down 

or pretend living through it wasn't hard.

We know God is with us through it all,

but that doesn't mean life hasn't cracked you open...

The wounds you have experienced are valid.

What's happened in your life matters."

-Aundi Kolber

Well, this year is not my favorite so far.  It has a lot of time to redeem itself, of course, but it is off to a difficult start... more with internal wrestling than external issues.

There is not a lot of rationality to it, but I don't love that I'm turning 39 this Friday.  I'm usually one to embrace birthdays and feel all excited and hopeful, but I'm wrestling hard this year with my list of unmet desires, deferred hopes, and goals I've not yet accomplished.  ...It's a good thing from God that my focus is on breaking agreements this month.  I am being hit hard with self-doubt, the sense of defeat and inadequacy, and irrational pressure to rush everything.  Ugh.  Praying through all of that is vital.

It also helped me this morning to remember that my 29th birthday was much harder for me than my 30th.  I even wrote a post back in February 2013 about all the things that made me feel old (eyeroll).  Like so many things we worry over, the anticipation was worse than the reality.  As a whole, for many reasons I won't go into today, 2013 was probably the worst year of my life to date.  But then 2014 was a brighter spot with healing and renewed hope.

In spite of not having everything I would wish for, I have genuinely loved my 30's, and I hope to finish this decade strong this year.  Now I am feeling some fear and pressure about my 40s looming ahead, but I believe I will work through that over the next few months and feel ready and excited for it by the time that milestone birthday arrives next year!

Anyway, seeing these quotes from a book I read in 2020 was a reminder and a rescue from God this week...

"Change happens in layers and is rarely linear.

It takes as long as it takes.

It's okay to be unfinished.

THE PROCESS OF BLOOMING IS AS VALUABLE

AS THE FLOWER IT PRODUCES."

-Aundi Kolber, Try Softer

Breathe.

You are loved and you are enough, right here and now.  Jesus is not rushing you - walk in step with Him.  Everyone is unfinished until we arrive in heaven - there will always be new things we want to reach for, and that is good and helps give our lives meaning.  There is beauty in the process of growing toward our dreams, and there is value in staying firm in faith through a painful waiting season.  My life is already serving a purpose, and God has more for me ahead there.  God knows what He's doing, and I have not missed His best plan for me.  Although there is not a lot of tangible fruit to show for it, my 30s have involved a lot of personal growth and preparation... and I'm going to have faith that my 40s will be the decade of fruitfulness and fulfillment, and that's a very hopeful thought!! ❤

So here's to finishing out my 30's strong!  And here's to the Mini Miss K, the most bright and precious thing to come out of a very rough season in 2013!!

❤  ❤  ❤