Do You Want to Get Well?

"When Jesus saw him lying there
and knew he had already been there a long time,
He said to him, 'Do you want to get well?'"
~John 5:6

Part of my dumbest life pattern goes like this:  I'm on a good trajectory, doing well with habit changes, then someone I care about really upsets me (something that hits very personally).  I react with binge eating/overeating and feel totally justified in it, internally putting the blame on the other person.  I believe old lies and make a series of poor choices, then it takes way too long to refocus and get back on track and undo the new damage.  Emotional chaos that results in yo-yo dieting is a common but irrational reaction, and not one in which God finds any value or merit.

I am working to absorb this truth:  God will not be holding anyone else accountable for MY choices and behaviors.

The responsibility for personal growth, change, and obedience falls squarely on my shoulders, and the same goes for each of us.  There is hopeful FREEDOM as well as sobering ACCOUNTABILITY in that.  No one else can get us off track or ruin God's plan for our lives.  We are 100% responsible to God for what we do with this one earthly life He has given us!!

My behavior over the past week has been out of alignment with my health goals, which tends to put me off track in other areas of obedience.  I've been upset after a difficult doctor's appointment and angry about some unsolicited advice from an extended family member that surfaced years of dysfunctional family patterns I've been working to overcome.  And instead of praying or directly addressing it, I vented and binged and felt sorry for myself and felt stuck.  In any areas of complex, ingrained family baggage, our spiritual enemy doesn't have to work very hard to push us toward feeling helpless, stuck, irreversibly messy, and self-pitying (convinced our efforts don't matter much and will always be under-valued).  Lies that have had a long-term hold are much easier to believe.

The truth is there are plenty of people who see and support me, and even those who have hurt me have wanted good things for me 95% of the time.  And the bigger, overarching truth is that God sees everything we do, and He is just.  Over time, we will all reap what we sow if we do not grow weary in doing good and making good choices (Galatians 6:9).

Whilst watching TV and mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and eating a Crumbl cookie (my go-to off-plan thing lately)... God threw in a FB post by Jennifer Rothschild about the man at the pool of Bethesda.  Jennifer is a Christian author and speaker who is physically blind, so her posting about this passage made me stop to attentively read and consider her words:

"Have you ever wondered why Jesus asked the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda if he wanted to be healed?  I have!  Well, Jesus' question points to something in this man's life that's far more debilitating than paralysis.  It's in my life, and yours too.  It's the bigger problem.  It's the part of us that would rather blame, explain, and deflect than to actually be well.

"Now, I'm not talking about actual diseases like the one that caused my blindness.  I'm talking about the more serious conditions of self-pity, anger, or resentment that can deeply debilitate us.  Sometimes we're so used to our weakness, addiction, or our sin that we don't really want to be well.  We want an excuse to be who we [had been].  I think Jesus asks each of us, 'Do you want to get well?' because often, healing involves choice.

"So, if you're stuck today, pick up your mat, and walk away.  Leave your excuses behind and choose grace instead.  Rise and walk straight into the loving, forgiving, and grace-filled arms of Jesus!"

Well played and well-timed, God.  Convicting.  

Jesus always sees through our petty excuses.

I immediately felt more aware of the life pattern I described above, and of how unwise and self-defeating it is not to take responsibility for my own actions.  I threw away 3/4ths of the cookie after reading that. lol  It felt a little silly and small, but also symbolic -- I don't ever want to be someone who ignores or dismisses it when God puts something sooo clear right in front of me.

This process of "getting well" in any area where you’ve faced long-term struggle is messy and awkward.  It is choosing to keep trying and showing up over and over when it would be so much easier to just give up and hide.  It is the slow-growing belief that you can do hard things, and that it will all be worth it.  Writing about this feels vulnerable, but it's probably more meaningful than most of what I post here.  Old habits die hard, but God gives us the power to kill the flesh and walk in step with the Holy Spirit.  His mercy is fresh every single morning, and we have the power to choose whether we will honor God or ourselves every single day (in my case, one simple meal at a time)...

"This command I am giving you today is NOT too difficult for you, and it is not beyond your reach... Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep His commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in His ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy… Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”  ~Deuteronomy 30:11-19

You and your descendants... the land you are about to enter and occupy... hello, I could not feel all of this more personally right now.  God deeply wants so many blessings and good things for us, but He gives us the power to choose our own course.

Do you want to get well??  ❤

Healing involves CHOICE.

We are never stuck in old patterns.

Pick up your mat... and walk away.