The Illusion of Control

"In order to develop a growth mindset, you've got to prioritize learning over seeking approval.  You’ve got to prioritize growing over perfecting/succeeding, and trying over being perfect...  People with a fixed mindset attempt to stay in control by not trying.  The key is to consistently remind yourself:  If I just try, I will learn something - I’ll improve - I'll get a little closer.  If I work a little harder, I’ll gain control!"  ~Mel Robbins

I've written and read a lot about growth mindset, and I've taught it with a couple counseling clients.  I love that I'm still seeing new ways to apply it in my own life!

"People with a fixed mindset attempt to stay in control by not trying."

Woof.  That one stings.  I think a lot of my supposed apathy and self-sabotaging moves stem from an unspoken fear of (really putting in the effort and then) failing.  It just feels safer not to let myself really try, and I can easily convince myself (or make agreements with my spiritual enemy) that pretending is the best path to preserving my relationships, which are a high priority for me.

But I want authenticity and real connection.  I don't want to live a cowardly life, and I don't want to live a dishonest life.  And I'm in a legit knock-down, drag-out internal battle with all of that over the past couple months.

I'm tired from this fun weekend (which I'll write more about tomorrow).  And what I want to say about the mental battle for integrity isn't short or fully formed yet, but I promise to write more about that by next Sunday.

For now, I'll say I am grateful for conviction and repentance and grace... and for the reminder that pretending and lying are selfish and unhealthy patterns worth breaking... and for the power of growth mindset and confessional community (started by Curt Thompson - something I'm so interested in learning more about).

Also grateful for the Launch community and this contract which was well-timed - that's a messy iPhone finger signature, but it still counts! ❤

Yay for grace and truth and living with balanced virtues.  Yay for putting in a wholehearted effort and trusting God with the results.  And yay for prioritizing learning and growing over perfectionism and seeking approval!

Keep moving forward, friends... God is with you and for you!

❤

Thankful Thursday #181

*I'm also thankful that God is able and willing to weave EVERYTHING we've been through together for His glory and for our good!  I see that in my life.  In thinking out loud about Romans 8, I forgot to list that key verse. lol  Anyway, happy Thursday, and Happy Easter Weekend ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Radiant with Joy

❤ ❤ ❤

Coming in strong with two February videos on the final day of the longest version of this month. lol #leapday #24in2024

(The vulnerability hangover is real, so I edited this one down a bit...)

 

Not wrestling with anything uncommon to man, but I'm relieved to have broken through the shame-hold after confessing to a trusted friend this week - one act of courageous obedience has a stunning ripple effect in shattering Satan's false sense of power over us.  He is clever and good at what he does -- the subtle triggers and temptations, the accusations, shame, condemnation, playing on our fear of rejection, convincing us we are trapped and isolated, and pushing the idea that God is barely tolerating us.  I understand having a lot of things together but hiding the cringey, messy stuff.  I understand reading and writing about God's love but quietly wondering if He's ready to give up on you or deliberately keeping His distance.  I am starting to remember and understand the power of confession and getting real and feeling God fight for you in a new way.  The very best news is NOTHING we've done and NOTHING done to us can separate us from God's love -- His fiercely protective, merciful, patient, and personal love!

No. shadow. of. shame.  ❤

Based on the surrounding voices, the Christian temptation can be to work within church culture to hide and cover our sin (focusing on shame and punishment; keeping what's dark tucked away in the dark)... OR to gently blend in with a worldly culture that normalizes, dismisses, justifies, and even celebrates sin (focusing on a twisted version of "grace;" pretending what's dark is actually light).  In stark contrast, God asks us to confess sin (to call darkness darkness and be clear about what is vile and evil), and then repent (realigning ourselves within His light and separating our identity from that darkness).  The word "separate" is a powerful reminder to me that no sin is a real part of my identity - my core identity is shining in the light of Christ, and "there is no darkness in Him." (1 John 1:5)

There is value in confessing to a trusted person when you want help and freedom.  God is also reminding me I cannot put too much stock in the opinions of people, particularly when I'm in a vulnerable place and they may be quick to minimize or sharply condemn sin (check the comments section of literally any controversial post on social media, and you'll see both reactions).  That's one big reason why God pulled me back from oversharing publicly, as I need to fully uproot this and work through it before writing in more detail (and bc writing to one individual person forces me to 'be seen' and intensely connect in a way I might've cleverly avoided via online sharing).  As flawed humans, we personalize things and naturally lean one way or the other in our grace vs. truth reactions - His standard is exceptionally high, but "there is no condemnation in Christ," so Jesus is always our most trusted source for the balanced grace-AND-truth response that leads us into real FREEDOM!! ❤

For now, I'll say this - if you are in a dark season of your own making or a dark season with external causes, you are not as alone as the enemy wants you to feel!  Our God will not abandon you or leave you there, truly - He is pursuing your heart even now.  "Do not gloat over me, my enemy.  When I fall, I shall rise, and even when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." (Micah 7:7-8)

The Lord will clarify the path to life, freedom, and victory!

We gain clarity with each step toward His LIGHT,
And the shadows of shame fall behind us.
Freedom is closer than we think.

Keep pressing forward.

Happy Leap Day.

❤

I Shall Not Want

Sometimes I find myself wondering about forgiveness.  Not whether God is *able* to forgive me, but whether He's *willing* to forgive repeated sin after we've been saved... I've had some internal wrestling with that topic that may not be beneficial for others, but my point here is that after praying about it, God used both of these chapters to speak hope, comfort, clarity, and connection:

"This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!  ...They will no longer dishonor (pollute and defile) themselves with their idols, with their detestable things, or with their rebellious acts. I will forgive them for all the times they turned away from Me and sinned (all their sinful backsliding). I will cleanse them so that they will be My people, and I will be their God."  ~Ezekiel 37:5,23 

"You then, My child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus... Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.  So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."  ~2 Timothy 2

Thank God for conviction and forgiveness, for His faithful love and loyalty to us, for purifying our sick and stubborn hearts, for all the ways He rescues us from ourselves and redeems our lives and fills them with fresh purpose and meaning.  The depravity and corruption and ever-increasing nature of sin is real, but we are not helpless against it.  I am called and cleansed, and I'm deeply thankful there is no condemnation in Christ!  We do not have to wallow in our guilt or shame, but confess and repent and do our best to move forward in freedom and grow in Christian maturity (repeating that pattern as long as it takes).  I'm hypervigilant about rejection in relationships, and sometimes being under condemnation brings feelings of shame and defeat and spiritual rejection, leading me to shut down and not even try to change.  That is not from God, and it's NOT because He has chosen to abandon or disconnect from me.  Moving forward, I'm praying God will empower me to "separate the light from the darkness" -- to focus on the Holy Spirit's conviction and His empowering voice of freedom and hope for lasting change... rather than the enemy's accusations, condemnation, and messages of apathy and hopelessness.

Gracious, personal sanctification really is a lifelong journey, but it helps tremendously to be confident that God is with us and for us through every step of it.  I’m echoing David’s sentiments of “Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me… Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” God is answering that one.  My soul has a Shepherd in the valley, and I shall not want...

On a related note, Steven Furtick preached a Psalm 23-themed sermon called "I'm Going Through but I'm Running Over."  Toward the end of that sermon, he started acapella singing one of their Elevation Worship songs that was new to me: I Shall Not Want.  The crowd joined him, of course, and then the band joined in too, and it was all powerful.  Thanks to praying over the verses on forgiveness, I'm feeling like a cloud has lifted - like there's a renewed sense of strong connection with God, and it's improving my ability to hear from Him, and it's exciting and hopeful!  We can get very stuck in our own minds sometimes, but there is LIFE and HOPE and HEALING and FREEDOM and POWER available for us through God's Word and His presence, and it is worth pursuing with all our hearts!

For lots of reasons, I adore this song - it's over eight minutes long, but it's been speaking so much God-given joy and power back into my heart and soul lately!

When I realized the significance of the date, I was inspired to share a FB video about it yesterday, kind of a trial run for a goal I've been thinking about for 2024.  I'll post it below when I get home tonight - my work internet is a no-go for uploading that right now.  All that to say, I'm grateful for all God has done, excited about all He is doing now, and hopeful about all He will do in the future! ❤ #calledandcleansed #calmandconfident #compassionateandcompetent #Christiancounselor #alltheCs

A happy walk outside Restore on Tuesday

  

That concludes my deep thoughts for you today - thanks for listening.
Praying we will all be STRENGTHENED by the GRACE that is in Christ Jesus!

8 - Accomplishments

What's an accomplishment you're proud of?

 That verse always makes me laugh, and so did the meme.  There are loads of mini-accomplishments in each of our lives that no one but us and God will know... unless, of course, we take the time to document them.

On that lighter note, check out my fun new Christmas tree-top decor!!  It's sparkly and whimsical and Dr. Seuss-ish with the curly-cue stems, and I love it.  Mom and Kristin finished that while I was at work, so that's awesome - big thanks to them!  (The sprig of green near Mom's hand is pretty ribbon we're saving for next year.)

And diving deeper now....... as it stands today, I am very much in the messy middle of walking toward some big dreams, so the major accomplishments everyone sees and celebrates will potentially come later -- a hopeful and motivating thought.  But right here and now, I am proud of myself for going for it, for finding my voice and pressing through long-held fears and lies of inadequacy.  I've been surprised by how often I am having to press through fresh anxiety as I walk through grad school.  It's a near-daily decision, and it is worth celebrating every time we choose courage, focus on truth over lies, and make hard sacrifices for the sake of a greater cause!

My limited experience in working with clients has been exciting for me, and also very humbling.  There is nothing like hands-on experience to clarify what really matters most, as well as where I need more practice and training.  In that position of sacred trust, I cannot afford to freeze up or doubt myself.  I hope to continually improve at integrating Christlike empathy and warmth with professional competence and clear treatment plan goals.  And to grow in communicating well and being more articulate and confident.

My goals are mostly centered around building habits that empower me to become the woman God created me to be.  I want my life to have a strong Kingdom impact, and that begins in my own heart and my core relationships.  I want to choose holistic health and strength, as we covered yesterday.  I want to be the kind of friend and family member who will stop to pray with people in hard times or stressful seasons.  I want to remember the details and dates that matter to the people closest to me.  And I want to honor God and reflect the heart of Christ as often as possible.

Only one life; it soon will pass.

Only what's done for Christ will last. 

❤

Weekend Update & 4th Quarter Focus

Happy October, friends and fam!  I'm in my living room watching Bull and blogging from my laptop.  I'm grateful to report the month of September ended well, and this month is off to a good start.

Yesterday I had a hair appointment in Tulsa, then I met the Wilson/Weatherford crew for dinner at Society Burger in Tulsa.  They had been to see Aladdin that day, so Tate was pretending the knives were swords… he and Parker were both in fun, playful moods, and these pics make me happy!  I noticed later that the ceiling behind him gives him a halo effect, and it made me laugh pairing that with the knives. =)

Parker pics - photos of Parker, with Parker, and by Parker (+ two pics of Tate by me)

Time with the Wilson fam is good for my soul, so this was a great way to end a hard month! ❤

Today was church + a nap + a family dinner at Hideaway downtown.  The Whitaker boys wore button-front shirts to match Dad, and Nancy got a couple group pics of our table! =)

Cousin pic with Kristin!

Fun times and good food and cute kids... two nights in a row! 

A quick throwback to the Mini Miss K and Rach seven years ago! ❤

I stayed up stupidly late watching TV last night then nearly skipped church this morning, but I pushed myself to go, wanting to do better there in October.  It was definitely a God thing, as the sermon was on point and exactly what I've needed to hear... preaching from Malachi and focusing on repentance, returning to God on His terms, and tearing down the "high places" by resisting the pull of the world.  This has been a repeated theme God is putting in my life... and I'm grateful He has been patient with my failures in responding well here.  Full surrender is hard.  Sanctification and dying to self is a painful process.  It's also the whole key to having God's anointing on my life and future career and relationships.  It matters.

Pastor Charlie talked about Solomon having multiple wives and his heart being pulled away from God by their influence.  He compared that to us being entwined with the worldly cultural values surrounding us, saying that "we need to divorce ourselves from the things of this world."  And I appreciated that analogy/metaphor, because that's how deeply I'm feeling this.  The pain of divorce is sharp and intense, and it's not a single decision but a process where your heart is involved and your emotions are high and other relationships are affected.  But sometimes it's worth the sacrifice and it works out for the best. Divorcing ourselves from the world out of loyalty to God would be one of those times.  We are called to be the bride of Christ, not to be entangled with the world.

In a related marriage metaphor, the pastor said that he wants his wife to remain faithful to him because she loves him, not because she believes that divorce is wrong.  And that God is the same way.  He wants our hearts and our affection and desire for Him to motivate us to obedience, not a sense of duty or obligation.  That's part of where I've been failing lately.  The Donald Miller quote I posted yesterday really hit me - so much of my spiritual life has become habitual... I listen to 5-7 chapters of the Bible every morning while getting ready, then spend several minutes listening to the daily Power Thoughts videos, along with multiple sermon podcasts every week.  Those are obviously not bad habits or disciplines, but my heart hasn't been fully engaged for a while, and that's something I need to pay attention to and correct.  I'm praying in that direction - for Godly sorrow over sin, for deeper love for God, to overcome this cognitive dissonance and be a woman who lives by her convictions and beliefs!

This = my BeReal photos from this afternoon.

Today begins the fourth quarter of 2023... always the best time to rally for an epic comeback!  ...So my sanctification focus for this month is tuning in, pressing in, and pursuing a deeper heart-level connection with Jesus!!

Photo Friday + Memes

 Happy September!

Real quick - my "Sanctification focus" for this month is pursuing and prioritizing peace.  Peace with God, peace with my own conscience, and peace with others.

And now I present the latest memes and photos I've collected:

Hooray for Fall... I still think September 1-November 30 should be the official dates for the Autumn season!

A tragic short story:  Jace couldn't find his mouthguard - he thought he'd brought it, so Rach and I conducted a very thorough search of her entire car with no luck... without that, he didn't get to play at all in their first game and was upset about that... then on our walk back to the car after the game, Kyndal found it in the gravel (and he promptly put it on - yuck).  K was so proud of herself for finding it! ❤

Reminder that God's plans are higher than ours.

I'm a big fan of the Shoemaker family... Chet was their realtor when they moved to Tulsa four years ago, and he gathered a crew to come help paint their house... and they've been a valued part of our friend group ever since!  This collage = that original painting party, Trunk-or-Treat at FBC (they were Mary Poppins and Bert - cuteness), Rachel's shower when she was pregnant with Heidi, and them with Harvey at my party last April! 

This made me laugh thinking about the teenagers close to me who are not typically super-expressive or easy to read!

Miss Katherine Claire on her first school day!

Wordle in 1 and 2... winning,!  *For a while, my "starter word" was "TOXIC" because I loved knowing if there was an X in the word.  But I didn't like that being the very first word I typed every day, so now I switch it up between PEACE, FAITH, GRACE, HOPES, and DREAM.  Better. =)

I like that FB is generating therapy memes for me now. =)

Yesssss... resisting my own perfectionism!

This = Lindsey's tool kit.  A pink Tomboy Tools hammer, a pink screwdriver that hadn't been charged in a while, and an adorable Mary Engelbreit teacup that holds all my nails. lolol  I felt that it was photo worthy.

Just a lovely photo of the Mosses last weekend. ❤

Just a Forrest Gump windshield wiper that made me laugh!

True story:

It's so me - deep psychology thoughts + sugar-craving thoughts. lol

Lol yay heaven, yay sleep!  (And yay for Peloton workouts.)

A bit of a grammar pet peeve for me...

Adult freedom paired with a "treat yo-self" mentality is definitely not an ideal combo.

Okay, that's all.

Happy Friday, and enjoy the Labor Day weekend ahead!!!

Body Image (August Sanctification Focus)

This semester, I'm learning a lot about how poor body image triggers disordered eating, and how safe relationships lead to better body image.  It always comes back to relationships.

Wood-Barcalow, et al. (2010) emphasize the relational component, noting:  

"Students stated their positive body image stemmed from unconditional acceptance from significant others... They intentionally sought others who offer unconditional acceptance and who have a positive body image, which helped them maintain their positive body image.  They did not merely avoid disordered eating, but additionally listened to their bodies by making healthy food choices, responding to hunger and satiety cues, and not overeating and/or restricting to cope with stress and negative emotions. Not only did they report social support, they avoided people who focus on weight and appearance-related issues, choosing instead to surround themselves with others who espouse a positive body image. They had family members who emphasized inner strengths and taught them that their worth... was more important than their appearance. They often felt unconditional love and support also associated with their religion and/or spirituality. Not only did they have self-esteem, they felt their inner positivity radiated to their outer appearance and were more optimistic, confident, comfortable, happy, and liberated."

Both personally and professionally, the importance of healthy relationships for building better mental and physical health really cannot be overstated.

For the record, positive body image does NOT mean embracing being overweight or being dismissive of sin issues.  I'm not advocating for that.  What it means for me is being grateful for the way God has designed my body and choosing to take care of myself from a place of valuing myself and believing I deserve to be at my healthiest and to not quit on myself and my goals.  So it means vibrant energy + hope and gratitude over shame-based thinking.  And daily healthy choices over pressure to hit a certain scale number on a specific day, a balance that's not an easy thing for me.

My "board of empowerment" is Peloton-heavy for good reason.  Peloton was the first place where I consistently and repeatedly heard positive, empowering messages focused on strength, know-your-worth confidence, self-acceptance, connection (the "we are a team in this together" vibe is strong with Peloton), and building the best version of yourself by getting stronger and healthier.  That fun, positive energy coupled with the endorphin-boost that comes with working out means a lot to me, and it stands in stark contrast to the more familiar shame-based, image-centered messages focused on weight loss and appearance... which have a wider ripple effect of damage than most people would ever imagine.  The hopeful part is, that damage is reversible - and the ripple effect of my words and my presence can be positive rather than damaging for others, so it's very worth working for that!

This month, I want to focus on internalizing and modeling a more positive body image, pressing into Jesus and into my healthiest relationships with people who offer unconditional love and support without weight commentary and/or judgey disapproval vibes, approaching food and working out from a holistic viewpoint (building a strong mind, body, soul, and spirit), and emphasizing inner strengths and inherent worth over physical appearance!  All easier said than done in today's image-obsessed American culture.  This really is an area where I've faced a lot of shame and darkness and damage, but "everything that is illuminated becomes a light."  So I am praying for the light of Christ to shine here and clarify things for me so that I can move forward with breaking down strongholds and being an empowering voice of hope in this area!! ❤

Everything that is illuminated...

A conundrum:  When I'm stressed, writing is among my most healthy and helpful coping mechanisms, yet part of me feels like pausing to write is a waste of my limited time and energy.  But it helps me sort through my thoughts and move forward with more peace and clarity, which means I work more efficiently.  Right? lol

Irrefutable procrastination logic...

This post was inspiring to me this week:

"'Life begins,' Sartre once wrote, 'on the other side of despair.'  I read that recently, and damn if it isn't true. It sure has been for me, and for my family.  I remember the time before.  Before the cancer, and the adoption, and the stress, and the fear.  So much fear.  Fear of death, fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of what people think, fear of... fear itself, as Winston Churchill once spoke of.  Before the Despair, I think it's safe to say that my entire life was dominated by fear.  I walked, talked, and breathed from that place.  Of course I didn't know it at the time... 

Anyways, about the other side of despair.  It's good here.  I don't know what to say about it, really.  You just notice things that you never would have before...  The bottom line is that there are things I should do and things I should not do, and I know what they are.  It's not difficult to divine.  I think I'll start behaving accordingly, so that I can spend more time loving and helping people and climbing mountains, all of which is so healing for me, now that I'm on the other side of Despair."

~Levi Wilkins

It goes along with this reminder:

Between watching the Sound of Freedom last weekend (about child trafficking - worth seeing, but difficult to watch), sitting through a lengthy child murder prelim yesterday (and thinking about certain details through the rest of the day), and other recent drama, I am processing the depth of sin and evil humans are capable of when they turn away from God and fully put their own needs first... and I'm praying for God to protect and rescue innocent children -- the kids I know and love, and the ones I will never meet -- to "deliver them from evil."

I'm also acknowledging the need to turn toward God fully and wholeheartedly, not hiding anything from Him or allowing any sadness or anger or past pain to fester in the darkness apart from Him.  This verse is really speaking to me right now:  

"It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”  ~Ephesians 5:13-14

I'm not sure how I haven't seen that before - it reads that way in multiple translations, including the NIV -- "everything that is illuminated becomes a light."  The darkness inside us that we are willing to bring into the light before Jesus... He is willing and ready to bring healing, and He has the authority to use what was once dark to bring light to others.  There is soooo much truth and hope in that!  I want to open up every part of my life to the light of Jesus -- including and especially anything that feels dark, resistant, shameful, unspeakable, or emotionally confusing -- trusting that Christ will shine on me and bring light out of it as I place it all before Him. ❤  Praying through that now, and it will be my sanctification focus for next month.

Anyway, wish me luck on my transcripts (3) and homework (intense this week) + adoption preparation (lots to do there) + balancing health and relationships (more important than everything else on this list) ahead!  God is with us and for us - we've got this!!

The Desire AND the Power

I am not stuck.

I am not powerless.

My choices create my future.

I am 100% responsible to God for what I do with this life He has given me!

By making excuses and losing sight of my goals when life gets hard, I have made myself an easy target for the enemy, and that has to stop.

God has promised that He is working in my heart, giving me the DESIRE and the POWER to live a life that pleases Him!!! (Philippians 2:13)  What a beautiful thing that is!  If we have a strong desire that we are powerless to make happen, then it's not in God's will for us right now.  In every area of our lives -- marriage, kids, career goals, personal goals, etc. -- God will empower us to follow through on the desires that are pleasing to Him and in His plan for our lives!!  He plants the desire and then gives us the ability to take action and make it happen.  Understanding and believing that is huge, really.

I feel so keenly aware of the spiritual warfare and the flesh vs. spirit tension in and around me right now... it is intense, so it's comforting and right to remind myself that I don't have to fight any of this without God's empowering grace!

There is some real personal stuff and family stuff I still need to work through, but I need to work through it in a gradual, healthy, proactive way -- not just stuffing it back down with familiar junk food and familiar junk thoughts.  Jesus wants better things for me, and He is calling me up higher -- to pick up my mat, stop wallowing in old self-pity, and keep moving forward with Him.

---

Recently, I did the cheesy thing where you open your Bible up to a random page and see if God has anything specific for you there.  I landed in Ezekiel 18 and got more than I bargained for... I've decided my "sanctification focus" for June will be reading through that chapter every day.  God goes out of His way here to make it abundantly clear that each person will be held accountable for their own choices, not the choices of their ancestors or their children.  For all of us, stronghold mindsets and negative family patterns are hard to overcome, but they're not a viable excuse for sin -- we get an individual, daily CHOICE.  

I want my life to matter and have a lasting Kingdom impact, and I am inching toward that but keep hesitating and stalling the progress.  I feel it.  My small, daily choices matter tremendously to God, so I want to keep that at the forefront of my mind.  Praying for grace and power as I feel God calling me to level up here!

"It is you who are unjust, not I.  Therefore, I will judge each of you... according to your actions, says the Sovereign Lord.  Turn from your sins! Don't let them destroy you!  Put all your rebellion behind you, and get for yourselves a new heart and a new spirit... Turn back and LIVE!"  ~Ezekiel 18:29-32

*This is really a continuation of my last post, which became unreasonably long. lol

Do You Want to Get Well?

"When Jesus saw him lying there
and knew he had already been there a long time,
He said to him, 'Do you want to get well?'"
~John 5:6

Part of my dumbest life pattern goes like this:  I'm on a good trajectory, doing well with habit changes, then someone I care about really upsets me (something that hits very personally).  I react with binge eating/overeating and feel totally justified in it, internally putting the blame on the other person.  I believe old lies and make a series of poor choices, then it takes way too long to refocus and get back on track and undo the new damage.  Emotional chaos that results in yo-yo dieting is a common but irrational reaction, and not one in which God finds any value or merit.

I am working to absorb this truth:  God will not be holding anyone else accountable for MY choices and behaviors.

The responsibility for personal growth, change, and obedience falls squarely on my shoulders, and the same goes for each of us.  There is hopeful FREEDOM as well as sobering ACCOUNTABILITY in that.  No one else can get us off track or ruin God's plan for our lives.  We are 100% responsible to God for what we do with this one earthly life He has given us!!

My behavior over the past week has been out of alignment with my health goals, which tends to put me off track in other areas of obedience.  I've been upset after a difficult doctor's appointment and angry about some unsolicited advice from an extended family member that surfaced years of dysfunctional family patterns I've been working to overcome.  And instead of praying or directly addressing it, I vented and binged and felt sorry for myself and felt stuck.  In any areas of complex, ingrained family baggage, our spiritual enemy doesn't have to work very hard to push us toward feeling helpless, stuck, irreversibly messy, and self-pitying (convinced our efforts don't matter much and will always be under-valued).  Lies that have had a long-term hold are much easier to believe.

The truth is there are plenty of people who see and support me, and even those who have hurt me have wanted good things for me 95% of the time.  And the bigger, overarching truth is that God sees everything we do, and He is just.  Over time, we will all reap what we sow if we do not grow weary in doing good and making good choices (Galatians 6:9).

Whilst watching TV and mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and eating a Crumbl cookie (my go-to off-plan thing lately)... God threw in a FB post by Jennifer Rothschild about the man at the pool of Bethesda.  Jennifer is a Christian author and speaker who is physically blind, so her posting about this passage made me stop to attentively read and consider her words:

"Have you ever wondered why Jesus asked the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda if he wanted to be healed?  I have!  Well, Jesus' question points to something in this man's life that's far more debilitating than paralysis.  It's in my life, and yours too.  It's the bigger problem.  It's the part of us that would rather blame, explain, and deflect than to actually be well.

"Now, I'm not talking about actual diseases like the one that caused my blindness.  I'm talking about the more serious conditions of self-pity, anger, or resentment that can deeply debilitate us.  Sometimes we're so used to our weakness, addiction, or our sin that we don't really want to be well.  We want an excuse to be who we [had been].  I think Jesus asks each of us, 'Do you want to get well?' because often, healing involves choice.

"So, if you're stuck today, pick up your mat, and walk away.  Leave your excuses behind and choose grace instead.  Rise and walk straight into the loving, forgiving, and grace-filled arms of Jesus!"

Well played and well-timed, God.  Convicting.  

Jesus always sees through our petty excuses.

I immediately felt more aware of the life pattern I described above, and of how unwise and self-defeating it is not to take responsibility for my own actions.  I threw away 3/4ths of the cookie after reading that. lol  It felt a little silly and small, but also symbolic -- I don't ever want to be someone who ignores or dismisses it when God puts something sooo clear right in front of me.

This process of "getting well" in any area where you’ve faced long-term struggle is messy and awkward.  It is choosing to keep trying and showing up over and over when it would be so much easier to just give up and hide.  It is the slow-growing belief that you can do hard things, and that it will all be worth it.  Writing about this feels vulnerable, but it's probably more meaningful than most of what I post here.  Old habits die hard, but God gives us the power to kill the flesh and walk in step with the Holy Spirit.  His mercy is fresh every single morning, and we have the power to choose whether we will honor God or ourselves every single day (in my case, one simple meal at a time)...

"This command I am giving you today is NOT too difficult for you, and it is not beyond your reach... Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep His commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in His ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy… Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”  ~Deuteronomy 30:11-19

You and your descendants... the land you are about to enter and occupy... hello, I could not feel all of this more personally right now.  God deeply wants so many blessings and good things for us, but He gives us the power to choose our own course.

Do you want to get well??  ❤

Healing involves CHOICE.

We are never stuck in old patterns.

Pick up your mat... and walk away.