"So come on, let it go.
Just let it be.
Why don't you be you,
And I'll be me?
Everything that's wrong,
Leave it to the breeze;
Let the ashes fall!
Forget about me."
~James Bay, Let it Go
Loving this song lately. I picture myself in that dramatic "another story must begin" Les Mis scene, tearing up the list of anything I've held on to (with other people and mostly with my former self), letting the debris float away in the wind, being free and at peace!
I'm thankful for the degree to which that feels true today. Tim Keller said (I'm paraphrasing here) that when you genuinely believe God forgives you but are unable to forgive yourself, it's because there is a higher god in your heart than God... (it's at the 35 minute mark in this sermon, which is all worth listening to). That was an epiphany for me, though. It's powerful and so true. I felt trapped in a mess of bitterness mingled with shame and guilt and overwhelming humiliation for a long time over how manipulative I was with Josh. In any situation like that, God Himself forgives me and accepts me and loves me and wants to reconcile and be close, and the only reason I continued to feel such guilt was that the idol or false god my heart was serving was incapable of showing me that kind of mercy and acceptance. So I had failed a god that refused to reconcile and no longer loved me, and that's a pretty harsh sentence. (And a great reason to try to let go of every idol before God has to pull them away from your desperate grasp!)
As mentioned in the past two posts, I read back through some old emails earlier this week, and there were a couple where I could feel that same sickening sense of shame cloud over me. But I was able to stop myself, pray, and really see how far I've come and how much value I have in Christ. Then I was able to delete soooo many of them, because I'm letting myself let go of the choices I've made in the past. And the choices others have made against me. (Another mini-epiphany for me was that the way Josh and Malori left my life felt similar to a pointed suicide... leaving behind a brief note to explain what I had done wrong and why they couldn't do this anymore, then disappearing forever, leaving others quietly whispering trying to figure out the backstory, and leaving me in a heavy mix of awkward grief, anger, and guilt; feeling unloved and shaken and full of unanswered questions without an absolution. Not sure I can make all of that make sense here, but I read a booklet on suicide in my Biblical Counseling class, and that all clicked for me in a new way that was oddly helpful.)
I'm not trying to cut ties with the past completely, but simply to "let the ashes fall." To let go of what is dead and let God bring beauty from it. I know that God's grace and forgiveness and transforming power will cause the wonderful and the dark parts of my story to work together for good in the end. And I'm deeply thankful for that! The part of me that tends to want to move to a new state or different career or whatever else is getting quieter lately -- I'm aware that it's my inner life that God is concerned with changing, not the outer. I cannot escape myself, but I don't need to, because I am forgiven and made new by God's power inside me! And my life matters. And I have every reason to pursue God's best for my life here on earth (and so do you!), as long as we hold to the truth that whatever may come, our eternal and unfading hope is in Christ alone!
Finally, here's a "Photo Friday" pic of our Lifegroup Thanksgiving feast at Jeff's house! :) Fun times!!
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