The following quotes are from Matt Bellassai in his Whine About It videos, a weekly series where he "gets drunk at his desk and complains about stuff." lol Often hilarious, but he can also be pretty crass, so I'm just posting specific quotes that made me laugh and asterisk-ing the cuss words. lol
People in Airplanes who are the Worst:
“Fitting me into an airplane seat is like trying to fit a walrus into one of them paddle boats. It’s difficult enough! Then you’ve gotta come in and make it worse by pushing your seat all the way back!?"
“There’s always those people who look perfect every time they get off an airplane… Everybody should get off an airplane looking like they just survived a fistfight… with a swamp monster… in the middle of a hurricane!”
#truth:
“You don’t need people to have fun. You just need warm carbohydrates!”
Emojis:
“This is a text message, not a menu at Denny’s! Use your words, not just little pictures.”
Bathroom chit-chat:
“No talking to me while anything is entering or exiting my body; okay? Let’s just make that a rule!”
Annoying coworkers:
“Everyone steals my pens... just like they steal my soul, piece by piece, every ** day!”
Weddings:
“You should be paying me for showing up to this mess. Also, why do I have to buy you a gift? Buy your own ** microwave. Nobody bought me a microwave when I moved in by myself and all I could afford were those tiny cups of EasyMac. So why should you get a microwave for free just because you showed up to church in a fancy dress!?”
“Then there are couples who don’t give me a "plus one," so that I have to endure this disaster by myself.”
“Then there’s always those couples whose ceremonies are like 5 hours long. It’s a ** wedding, not The Lord of the Rings!”
“I know you spent a lot of money on those tiny little icing flowers and the tiny little versions of you, but your cake is awful, and you’re awful, and everything is awful! Especially if you have fruit filling… don’t you dare invite me to a wedding that has a cake with a fruit filling! Cake with fruit filling is not a cake... it is an insult to me, and to cake, and to the institution of marriage!!”
“Then there’s always those people who are like, ‘When are you getting married?’ Listen, **! We all know I’m not getting married any time soon. As soon as the Supreme Court says I can legally marry a slice of lasagna, you’ll get my invitations in the mail. But until then, let me live my ** life.”
On the outdoors:
“Going outside is overrated. Everything outside – the sky, the sun – it’s awful. It’s all awful... Outside is where happiness goes to die. There is no bed. There is no couch… there is only darkness and sadness.” (This is so me. lol)
“Also, outside is where bears are. Like, actual bears live outside… There are birds that will ** on you, spiders that will bite you, and squirrels… squirrels that will kidnap your children and shoot your wife, and make you watch the whole thing. Go ahead, go outside -- take a risk. Just remember that all of nature is designed to kill you!”
“Next, it’s hot as ** outside. Outside is where the sun is… Next, outside is humid and sweaty, and everything is terrible and moist. And not moist like freshly baked chocolate chunk brownies – no – moist like lunch meat that’s been in the fridge for too long.”
On Restaurants:
“Eating at a restaurant is the biggest luxury there is in life!”
“First of all, there’s always that person who sits down and they’re like, 'Oh, I’m not hungry. I ate lunch earlier.' And then, BAM, 15 minutes later, what do you ** know? Guess who suddenly wants a bite of my cheese-covered twice-baked chicken cacciatore!? …Food is not a game that you can just decide to play; food is my life!”
“Friendships can be made and destroyed over bread… Wars have even been started over bread. I read that once… on the back of an Olive Garden menu.”
Online Dating:
“On this week’s episode, the worst things about online dating! Or, you know, what I heard about it from my friends...”
“Okay, first – any person whose profile picture is them posing with a ** fish! Oh, you can reel in a fish… congratulations, that means nothing to me! I’m not a ** polar bear. How about you hold up a nice burrito that you caught by yourself? That’s more interesting.”
“Then you get people whose interests are always super vague. ‘Oh, I love music and movies and books.’ You know who else liked movies and music and books? Hitler. So unless you specify what the ** you’re interested in, I’m gonna assume you like all the same things as Hitler!!”
Faking Fall Excitement:
“Falllll and pumpkins and Halloween! Got my poncho on because it’s faaaaaall!” lol
Why Clothes Shopping is the Worst:
“Why am I a different size at every ** store? I’m a size mouse at Gap and a size walrus at H&M!”
“Instead of a mannequin that looks like Tom Hanks after he came back from Castaway, what about a mannequin shaped like Wilson for the rest of us!?”
(Bolded because it's my favorite.) =)
Adulthood:
“I pay rent, electricity, water, alcohol. I have to eat - burritos aren’t gonna buy themselves, and you know guac is extra! What money am I supposed to save, huh? My beanie baby collection got me NOWHERE!”
“People are always like, get a job! Then the jobs are like, ‘Entry level position – must have 30 years experience in the industry.’”
“You don’t get summer vacation anymore. You just work until you die. And there’s not even a joke here; that’s just the reality of it!”
Kids:
“Kids are just constantly sticky, and it’s never for a normal reason!”
Obnoxious Couples:
“There are the couples who always refer to themselves as “we:” ‘Oh, we don’t like French fries because it gives us heartburn.’ First of all, shut up! French fries are worth your pain. Second of all, you are two separate disappointing human beings.”
"Then there's couples that are constantly texting each other when they're not around. 'Babe, I miss you, Babe!' .....Listen up, **! He went to Chili's, not to war!!"
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