16 ~ Difficulties

Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you are working to overcome it:

Depression and anxiety fall into the difficult category.  Personality, temperament, background, circumstances, stress factors, genetics, brain chemistry, medical conditions, hormone levels, thought life, and perceived support can all factor into it.  Every situation is unique.  Some people are more susceptible than others, and I am in that "more susceptible" group.  Even when I'm doing really well, I have to work a bit harder to keep myself in a good, stable place.  The shadow/threat of death is very real and consistent for me.  My first memory of depression (though I didn't call it that at the time) is at age 12... the year after the OKC bombing.  The timing makes sense to me now - that a fifth grade girl being introduced to terrorism for the first time and learning that the bombed building was next door to where her mom used to work would find that hard to process and begin to have more worry and fear about death.  That Satan would jump on that and add to it.  That I felt different and disconnected and I feared abandonment and isolation more than a normal sixth grader would.  Anyway, thanks to family support and a strong foundation in Christ, I moved through that and through the rest of my school years without any major issues.  It hit me hardest in 2008 and 2013, for fairly obvious reasons, although it began before the friendship ended in 2013. 

So there was definitely not one major thing that helped me overcome it or an easy fix that "cured it," but some things that have been helpful to me in the past include:

• Taking Vitamin D and B12 (I learned I was deficient in those two things, which may have added to the depression, weakness, fatigue, and difficulty thinking clearly).
• Talking with people about how I was doing – friends, family, counselors, whatever works - it was hard for me to be that vulnerable at first.
• Working with a counselor and on my own to process disappointments and some of the friends and family relationships where I had been hurt.
• Learning to set better boundaries, let some things go, and forgive.
• As said recently, perfectionism was a big part of my problem, so giving myself permission to really feel sadness, anger, and other negative emotions (even if I was reacting over things that would seem minor to others) without guilt or shame was really big for me. I did a lot more harm trying to disconnect from sad feelings and bottle things up than I would have if I’d let myself cry it out or rant or vent when I needed to.
• Taking Celexa (the antidepressant prescribed for me) for just over a year. I was very hesitant about starting that because I struggled a lot with going back and forth on whether it was a medical issue or a spiritual flaw on my part, so I definitely understand it when people feel that same tension.
• (If I got to a really bad place again, I would not hesitate to try antidepressants again. They had very minor side effects and were helpful in giving me some much-needed clarity, and I didn’t feel like a robot or zombie or anything, but more like my real self.  I don’t feel the guilt I once did about it, and I think it was a false guilt that was not from God.)
• Blogging.  Occasionally about the depression itself, but also just documenting ups and downs of daily life.  Writing is cathartic and a great outlet for me, and it really helps me to process my thoughts and feelings and see where beauty and goodness shine through in hard times.
• Asking friends for worship song recommendations! 
• Being more careful about what I was watching and listening to. I believe in the chemical imbalance side of it, but I also understand that words have power and our thoughts are important, so I tried to pay attention to how the shows, movies, and music I was consuming were affecting my soul, and I made some big changes, especially while I was trying to climb out of being depressed. More worship music and comedies, less medical dramas and crime shows and sad/angry songs  – things like that. Not easy, but I know it helped.
• Moving more – everyone talked up the benefits of exercise, so I did what I could with the low energy I had during that season, which was mostly some stretching and walks outside, but whatever you can do helps. Especially getting outside more.
• Not feeling guilty about getting LOTS of sleep during that period.
• Leaning more on my family and close friends.
• Prayer journaling where I wrote down my prayers, which made it easier to focus when my thoughts were foggy.
• Looking up verses on light and life and memorizing Scripture.
• The fact that my job requires very little interaction with the public. I can sit and type in the courtroom and be zoned out on autopilot. (I’m aware that a sales or customer service job would have been much more difficult and exhausting in that season.)
• John Eldredge books!! Acknowledging the reality of spiritual warfare and separating the light from the darkness ("God is light, and there is no darkness in Him.") Breaking agreements, recognizing that my highest hope for life will never be completely fulfilled here on earth, but only in the coming Kingdom. (Everything we know here is “partial and incomplete” - 1 Cor. 13:12 - and accepting that is freeing.)
• Baby Kyndal Faith was a big part of what helped ground me and pull me back into a lighter place in 2013. That gave me an extra dose of strength and joy when I felt pretty defeated/angry/hopeless.
• Acknowledging that I can't control it all, and the timing and healing part is in God's hands.

(That was in super random order - just some things that came to mind.)

For anyone who might be struggling, I hope some part of this is helpful to you. We know from the gospels that Jesus likes to use different methods to heal different people. But God knows your unique needs and He cares, and He is there and working things out for your good even when you don't see or feel it! ❤

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.  Do not gloat over me, my enemy!  Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light!" ~Micah 7:8