Testimony & Top 10

*I'm considering this post a "tribute" to how God has worked in my life!

We're doing testimonies at LifeGroup right now, and mine was last night.  (And I didn't even break out in hives while sharing - yay, God!) lol  Me being me, I wrote out all my thoughts beforehand and decided to do a "Top 10" thing.  

So I thought I would share it here as well:

Salvation Story:  My mom led me to Christ when I was 7 years old.  It was around Christmas time, so I'd heard several sermons and stories about Christ and started asking lots of questions.  She grabbed her Living Bible and walked me through the "Romans Road," explaining the simple plan of salvation, and I prayed for Jesus to become my Lord and Savior!  ...I know this is not the most exciting salvation story, but I am grateful for that.  It was a blessing to grow up in a loving Christian family, be involved in church, learn about the Bible at home, and even go to a Christian school... a very solid foundation that has continued to grow, and for which I'm very thankful!!

Top 10 Truths/Lessons God has Taught Me So Far:

1.  God looks at the HEART rather than appearance; and as His followers, we should do the same.

When I had Bells Palsy (paralyzes half the facial muscles) for six months in 10th grade, I felt extremely self-conscious and insecure, and most people tended to ignore me because they felt a bit awkward about it.  I know from experience that simple kindness and a few words of encouragement can make a huge difference in someone’s life, especially to those who feel a bit outcast or different.  (This goes for beauty queens as well as people with some physical abnormality... they want to be seen and heard and loved for their heart.)  

2.  NEVER put anyone before God in your heart!!  God loves you too much to let you find total joy and satisfaction in anything but Himself.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.”  

Well, it turns out God wasn't joking when He said, "have no other gods before Me!"  

I learned this the hard way when I fell in love with (and definitely idolized) my best friend, Josh.  He was strong in Christ, wise, funny, ambitious... and the man I was just certain God intended me to marry.  I had really terrible boundaries, so even though we never officially dated, he said just enough to give me false hope, and it was the closest relationship I have ever had with any man.  For three solid years, my whole heart and sense of purpose was totally wrapped up in him.  To make a long story short, in 2007, he went on a mission trip and met the woman who is now his wife, and when he returned, he wrote a 3-page letter that cut me out of his life completely... And I have literally not seen or heard from him since.

3.  “God has a plan for your life.  Satan also has a plan for your life.  Be ready for both, and be wise enough to know which one to battle and which one to embrace.”

There I was, in a new city and a new house, and my seven closest Christian friends stopped talking to me within the span of a couple weeks after the letter.  (I considered these people my good friends, but since my life and identity had completely morphed into his life, they had all been friends with him first - and it was understandably an awkward situation, so they were done when he was.)  Cue denial, depression, anger, panic, and desperate attempts to reconcile.  It all did wonders for my self-esteem.  I had no idea who I was without him.

To make matters worse, a few months later, my cousin was diagnosed with a very serious disease that caused brain tumors.  And our family friend, Daniel, (a year younger than me) went into a sudden coma and then he died three days later (the day after my 24th birthday).  We prayed hard for him and for Blake, and neither of them was healed.  I had bought into some toxic theology and was operating in the deceived mindset that if I prayed with enough faith, God would heal them.  So when Daniel died and Blake's ability to smile did not come back, it was a real faith crisis for me.  I struggled with a lot of confusion and anger and feeling abandoned... and this time, it was all aimed at God!

Yet behind the scenes through all of this, God was working!  In the long run, the ending of that relationship has taught me more and helped me to grow more than any other event in my life.  The fact that I signed the contract on my house two days before "the letter" was a huge blessing in disguise, because I would have probably run back home and missed out on so much here.  Another blessing was the fact that I had joined a LifeGroup a few months before the letter.  Those people who had been mostly strangers to me at that point quickly became my lifeline and the only friends I had in the Tulsa area.  Angie reached out to me when I was at a low point, and I know that my family and the LG friends all truly prayed for me in that dark season.

4.  FORGIVE -- it may be the hardest thing you have to do, but bitterness is toxic and will grow and destroy your heart.

Strangely, the turning point for me was watching Lord of the Rings.  The ring in the movie is powerful and toxic and destructive, and the whole point of their long journey was to destroy it!  They finally reach the end, and as he’s standing at the edge of the only fire strong enough to destroy the ring, he hesitates.  He has become attached to the toxic power, and he can’t let it go.  It’s literally killing him and hurting everyone around him, but he's holding on for dear life.  And as I watched it, I knew that was me, clinging to bitterness and anger. Sometimes we have to forgive people who do not know or care how much they've hurt us, and who may even be happy knowing that we are hurting.  When you know that they will never apologize or reconcile, it is incredibly hard!  But it is possible through Christ (Eph. 4:31,32), and it is necessary to live with freedom and be able to fully love others!!

5.  “Lean not on your own understanding” is in there for a reason.

Sometimes you pray and have bold faith, and there is still no healing.  Sometimes you beg God to restore a relationship, but things only get worse.  Sometimes young people die from an unexplainable virus or face a life-long, painful disease.  There are so many things that we may never understand here on earth... and we have to reach a point where we accept that and believe that God is still good in the middle of a very fallen world.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding." ~Proverbs 3:5

6.  Don’t confuse JESUS with His people – they often mess up and misrepresent Him. 

The fact that every Christian friend – those who had mentored me and taught me so much and prayed with me and knew my heart – chose to abandon me at once... well, it did not make me feel closer to Jesus!  But their rejection was not a reflection of God's heart toward me.  He is the only one who will NEVER leave or forsake or abandon me - His love is loyal and constant and firm.  And I had to learn to trust that more deeply!

Faith that is untested can be arrogant and insensitive… some Christian friends implied that the outcome might have been different if my faith had only been a little purer/stronger and I had prayed a little more – so toxic and false.  It took me a while to work through all of that and come to a place of healing and peace with God.  

It was also hurtful when people patronizingly told me “Well, God never gives you more than you can handle” ...another false belief.  The verse they're mis-quoting refers to temptation, and it doesn’t say God “gives” it, but that He will never allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear.  What really bothers me is that people often say this as a shallow attempt to comfort someone without having to get involved in actually doing anything to help them.  :(  Not the heart of God.  How about “Carry each others burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.”  When it comes to trials, they are sometimes our own fault, sometimes caused by the enemy, and sometimes tests coming from God…. but they will absolutely be "more than we can handle" all on our own.  God wants us to seek Him, depend on Him, and form close relationships where we can help each other and do life together!

7.  Never lose sight of your worth and unique purpose in Christ!

For several years, I lost sight of what mattered most and forgot that I was worth anything apart from Josh.  God did not create any of us to simply morph into someone else and disappear!!  We are made by God in the image of God, and He has a unique plan for each one of us, so our lives have great value and purpose!

8.  Satan will always hit you when you are down.  Count on it, be aware of it, and be on guard!

When one thing knocks you down, be alert and on guard for what is coming next.  As John Eldredge said, to just ignore the existence of Satan because you're hurting in these situations is like jumping into shark-filled water while you’re bleeding profusely.  

“The letter” remains the worst trial I have been through to date.  It was unexpected and very painful.  But in the few months that followed, there was the loss of every other friendship, the death of Daniel, and Blake’s diagnosis ...it was a perfect storm that pulled me toward giving up on God and on life itself.  And the timing was not a coincidence or an accident.  There is a reason trials seem to come in pairs or "all hit at once."  Big surprise here, but Satan is not a gentleman.  He is literally out to destroy you, and he will not hesitate to throw his hardest punch when you're already exhausted or you've already been knocked down.  Ignoring your vicious enemy does not mean he will ignore you.  So put on the armor of God!

9.  When life gets dark, “Let there be light."  ...and "separate the light from the darkness."

At the end of 2011, I heard a sermon on these verses that meant a lot to me... the first four words spoken by God in the Bible are: "Let there be light."  Jesus is called the light of the world, the light of our lives.  So we have to let Him in – to pray and seek Him when we’re feeling dark and confused!  

Genesis also says that God "separated the light from the darkness," and as His followers, we have to do the same -- to recognize the strategies of Satan and not get angry with God when Satan attacks us!  It's always tempting to blame God when life gets difficult, but He is "uncompromisingly righteous" and "there is no darkness in Him." (Zephaniah 3:5)

*On all of this spiritual warfare and the deeper matters of the heart, I highly recommend John Eldredge's book, Waking the Dead.  Life changing for me!

10.  God truly will use every bad event in your life for good when you love Him!

 This is not just a cheesy cliché, but something I know to be true from life experience.  

• Through Bells Palsy, I developed greater compassion/mercy for those who feel different or invisible.
• "The letter" forced me to find and strengthen my own identity in Christ and my faith and sense of purpose... and it serves as a great reminder to keep God first!
• Daniel's death and Blake's diagnosis served to humble my arrogant ideas on faith... to prove that God is truly sovereign and not obligated, no matter how much I pray, to do what I think is best.
• Others may change their minds, leave, or even die.  And my circumstances will rarely be exactly what I expected.  But Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever... and He has promised to never abandon me.
• Moving to Tulsa, although my initial motives were wrong, was absolutely God's plan for my life!  To grow in independence, make healthy friends in the LifeGroup, start leading the Diving Deeper group, and now going back to school at SNU... all part of God's plan!
• Every hard thing in my past, present, and future will help me to have more wisdom and compassion in relationships... and eventually in counseling.  Because God is awesome like that.  What Satan intended for evil, God will use for His glory and for good in my life and the lives of many others!

My key verse for 2012, one that means a lot to me, is Micah 7:7-8:

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me.  Rejoice not against me, O my enemy! When I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light to me."