Brace up for a long stream-of-consciousness post here... or skip to the summary in green at the bottom. =) This pic was exactly two years ago today in the theater parking lot after seeing Downton Abbey: A New Era. It was one month after moving to Moore, when I was still wondering which friendships would stand strong and which friendships might gradually fade. (I nearly titled this post "A New Era," but God delighting in every detail trumped that thought.)
Outside of Jesus, there is no friendship in my past or present that means more to me than this one. I am grateful for well over a decade of friendship and good memories with Chet Lee and Karli Marie. I adore Tate and Parker, and I'm so blessed by being a regular part of their lives. It matters deeply to me as a single woman, and I am grateful for the way the Wilson fam and their extended families have accepted, invited, included, respected, and loved me! That's really not the main focus of this post... but I would be remiss not to acknowledge that what made everrrrrrything I'm about to say possible and powerful is the solid foundation of friendship and trust that was already in play.
Psalm 37:23 assures us that God directs our steps and delights in every detail. It's one of my favorite verses and one of my favorite thoughts! For me, this night was good evidence for that. Lots of this will only matter to me, but I am writing it down for future reference for myself - you forget minor details over time.
Chet mentioned on Friday that he and Karli were having dinner with Gary and Kathleen and seeing the Tina Turner musical - random but fun, I thought. So when I got bored during the court reporting seminar, I texted to ask how the musical was, and he responded "It was SO GOOD!" A quick Google search informed me that it already had a run in OKC before coming to Tulsa, and the last day of the Tulsa performance was on Sunday. (Also searched PAC tickets, and there were a few seats available for the 8pm performance that night.) When my seminar ended around 4, I called Chet to ask if it would be worth staying and going that night... he knew I had this week off from work, and I knew that I'm on a 30-day commitment of no TV at home, so being up late for something fun seemed like a pretty good call. I called Sarah to see if she could join me for the musical, but she was preparing for grad school and could not (her DNAP program started on Monday - YAY for pursuing positive changes!) Anyway, I figured I would grab Tacos-4-Life and take a quick walk, then go get my tickets. *I'd decided the day before to give the Wilsons a break, as they're my go-to friends and we've basically hung out six weekends in a row, and I figured they might enjoy a rest night after the late Friday then Tate's morning game and their neighborhood garage sale! However, Karli was surprised that I hadn't asked about dinner, and she mentioned Los Cabos, so Chet texted back to ask about that... which is always gonna be a real quick yes for me. We invited the Mosses and Shoemakers and Fultons, but no one else was available on such short notice. So we met there around 5:30, and on our way in, EMSA was out front and there were paramedics loading a woman onto a stretcher - (I don't know the story there at all and I sincerely hope all is well now), but seeing her family following her out to the ambulance made me think about the brevity of life and the value of physical health.
Important side note: On Friday, May 3rd, I started the "Launch" program with Mel Robbins, a $1000, six-month coaching program with daily empowering videos and personal reflection homework and feedback from an inspiring community of people working to build a better life. I am 20 days in, and I'd confidently say it's worth every penny. You pick three different projects (personal or professional) for a "30-day Project Sprint," and my first one included more quiet time with Jesus, which also factors into ALL of this pretty heavily for me.
Okay, so I'm enjoying my favorite Mexican food at dinner with the Wilsons - we talked about Tate's last baseball game, they thanked me for a card I'd mailed them earlier that week, and we talked briefly about God's sovereignty and kindness... then Chet asked if I'm trying online dating lately. I joked that I thought it would be poor form to start a new relationship by announcing that I'm pregnant. lol We talked about how the embryo adoption timeline being in limbo makes me feel like everything else is somewhat in limbo, but how I really would love to be married and how all of that (dating and engagement) could move fairly quickly when I find the right person. His response was clarifying for me and extraordinarily affirming and meaningful, and it made me feel more hopeful about the possibility of marriage in my future, (while knowing I'm also loved and supported if it doesn't happen) - the internal hope of marriage has definitely been there, but having someone I trust validate it as not being crazy or too late was helpful. Since then, I have joined two online dating sites and been more open to actively pursuing that path... which I will continue over the next few months as the adoption timeline is extended for health reasons.
Los Cabos is my favorite restaurant, and the fact that they suggested it and bought my dinner was a fun surprise - the cherry on top of lots of other wonderful things I'll remember from that day.
Afterwards, we walked around outside for a few minutes while their kids played and ran around. I can't remember the topic that led us into it, but Chet mentioned that they'd had a conversation the day before with someone whose sister had the gastric sleeve surgery, and she was having really great results. They said they also know a woman at FBC who's having great success with that and sharing about it openly. He said he feels like he's had a mistaken, overly judgmental mindset about that just being a quick fix, but he's learning that it can be a really helpful tool when people go into it with a healthy mindset and understand that they still have to put in consistent effort for lasting results. (We had talked about this one other time when I was considering the surgery seven years ago... at the time, I was in a shame-based mindset about my body and definitely would have felt deep regret and shame if I'd gone through with the surgery, however successful the outside might've looked - being ready and at peace with God matters.) He emphasized that there was zero pressure from them and that he hoped he was not overstepping in even mentioning it, and I assured him he's on the very short list of people I would invite to speak into that area of my life, and that I ALWAYS value and appreciate his input. And that was that. But all through the play and my long midnight drive back home, in between the Tina songs and my latest audiobook, my mind kept coming back and replaying those conversations. My soul knew it mattered. And my spirit knew it was from God.
Key Details: I was planning to head home after the CR seminar before we texted about the musical. Had there been OKC tickets or next weekend tickets available, I would've booked that. I wasn't going to invite them to dinner, but they invited me. No one else was available, and had another couple joined us, the dynamic would have changed and these conversations would not have been possible or welcomed on my end. Seeing the ambulance outside was sobering and shifted my thoughts to life-and-death health stuff. Chet said he felt really hopeful for me and thought it was the healthiest conversation we'd had around dating and marriage, which put me in a really secure and hopeful place (words of affirmation from people who tend toward blunt honesty always mean a bit more to me - lol). The timing of my Launch coaching, the extra time in prayer lately, the delay on the embryo adoption, the Wilsons talk with Gary and Kathleen, my late musical and early seminar-ending leaving just enough time for this leisurely dinner convo in the middle, my seminar being in Tulsa this year, etc. -- all these details had to line up right for us to have this pivotal conversation while walking around outside together on a pretty summer day, feeling genuinely connected and supported and hopeful. It wouldn't have had the same impact over the phone or in a larger group. No one is perfect, but it helps that Chet and Karli are people I consider healthy and safe, and that I know they value me so my guard is not up with them. It also helps tremendously that Chet can empathize with the slower metabolism and the overeating struggle, and he knows more than most how difficult weight loss success can be and how hard I've been working to break free from shame-based secrets and poor choices around food. He also knows my story incredibly well and understands why I've been extra hesitant about this method for a while. All that to say, he was in a very unique position to help me reframe surgery as a potentially healthy option to help me live a happier and longer life, without that feeling condescending or calculated or toxic or pressured. I trust his heart toward me, and God prompted him and he spoke well, and I just feel very convinced that God worked all of this out so that my stubborn resistance would not get in the way and I would trust the new narrative and feel this peace from Him. ❤
*I also want to be very clear in this post and in my own memory that these were two separate and distinct (but both important) conversations. Our talk about dating was not intermixed with the convo about weight-loss surgery -- and on no level was he suggesting I should do this to make myself worthy of men or marriage. Only that it might be a great tool as a jump-start to help me get physically healthier and have more strength and energy for motherhood and the counseling career I am building toward. I have struggled with internal pressure and spiritual guilt around this idea for years, but much like the guilt I once felt surrounding depression medication, that was not coming from God. Our conversation did not feel like pressure but permission for something that's been spinning in the back of my mind for a while. I have also prayed about it a lot and have a surprising level of peace from God here now, so I'm pressing forward with hopeful anticipation!
Thanks to having this week off work, I had extra time to research the gastric sleeve surgery - (the safest of the many weight-loss surgery options out there because it does not mess with your intestinal tract or cause malabsorption and long-term nutrient deficiencies). Thanks to technology and medical advances, it is an outpatient, laparoscopic surgical procedure that takes around 30 minutes... and the outcome is that it reduces the size of your stomach by around 80% and seriously limits the amount of food you're able to eat, as well as decreasing the hunger-signaling hormones so that you feel less triggered by physical hunger. Shockingly, you can fly the following day and return to work 2-3 days later... with a two-week liquid diet then a nutritionist follow-up session to start reintegrating solid foods. Over time, your stomach absolutely has the capacity to stretch and relax and grow, and this surgery is not a magic bullet to cure food addiction or fix emotional eating issues... so you still have to do the internal work around that, while seeking community support and adding extra protein and vitamins and lowering sugar intake and being consistent with working out, etc. to have long-term success with it. It does not take away all the effort and it is not a quick or permanent "fix," but it is a very helpful jump-start for a lifelong health journey. ❤
There are several hoops you have to jump through if you go through insurance, many of which I had completed seven years ago and so dreaded the thought of repeating... their soonest possible surgery would be late October, and more than likely it would be November or December if I went that route. A long, anxiety-filled lead-up and a Christmas recovery is not really what I'm after here! But without even trying (thanks to a well-paced Google ad), I found an affordable and reputable clinic out of state that will fast-track the whole process -- they have great reviews and outcomes that are above the national average, and I've watched their educational videos and talked with their staff (yay being off work - yay, God's timing). And I feel confident that it's the best path forward for me. As I trusted they would be, Mom and Dad were very supportive of this idea. Mom will be traveling with me and caring for me post-surgery, and Dad immediately and very generously paid for the entire procedure and added some extra money to cover travel expenses - our flights and hotel are booked. The exceptional customer service I've received thus far with Blossom, the schedule lining up seamlessly, and my family resources being in place so rapidly are all further gifts and confirmation from God in my book!
Chet has gotten the full play-by-play on this, and they're excited and hopeful with/for me! So far, I have also talked with Mom, Dad, Kristin, Sarah, and Rachael about it, all of whom were very supportive and kind. (I also spoke with a friend of the Wilson fam who has had success with weight-loss surgery and highly recommends it.) Mel Robbins calls this part "activation energy," and gearing up for this step requires a lot of that energy for me, so I'm very grateful for the more rapid timeline. *I am not writing about this to seek more outside feedback and commentary, but because this is a monumental step for me internally, and writing always helps me to sort through and clarify jumbled thoughts... AND because this happened fast and I want to remind myself of God's leading and faithfulness in all the details here... AND because my desire is to be transparent and honest from the start about this important piece of my story. I will strive to live strong and healthy in mind, body, soul, and spirit as I move forward!!
And now, a few photos from the night that started all of this:
My closest friends, my second family - the wonderful Wilson fam (I love how Tate and Parker are both doing the thumbs-up pose here, a classic Chet move from way back)! Gracious, I am so glad we got this photo that night and I'm happy that it's a full-body shot -- so many thoughts -- another thing that feels super important to me is that I'm NOT coming at this from a place of hating my body or feeling shame about where I am today. I know I haven't done anything great without the help of God and the consistent support of others, but I will say I love who I am, and I'm really proud of the work I'm doing and the life I am building, and this is just another facet of that, a new step in becoming the healthier person God created me to be and building toward the meaningful future He has marked out for me. Yes, I will look very different a year from now at my graduation ceremony, but at the risk of sounding arrogant, I am whole and valuable and beautiful and loved and worthy of love right here today! And I will still post my great memories and the pretty photos of myself in this season, without any shame-based rhetoric or pretending that my life before surgery was miserable and less valuable. I also will not honestly be able to say that I regret not doing it sooner, because I know and trust this is God's timing for me. I am doing this out of love for myself and a consistent desire to improve and grow... physical health has been my biggest habit struggle, and I need some extra help to conquer it and renew my sense of hope. I am re-centering and walking closely with God, and I believe He is opening new doors, so I'm boldly moving through them!
Tate Haywood! ❤
Parker Elizabeth! ❤
The future looks good! ;-)
Tina was in a toxic, abusive relationship for 16 years, then she was sued by her managers and mistreated by her family and struggling financially as a single mom when she cut ties with her abuser... but her inner strength allowed her to break free from that mess and create a chart-topping solo career. Just another timely reminder that we are not stuck in our old patterns, and we can do the work to change our mindset and build something vibrant and empowering! #simplythebest
Okay. As promised, here's the summary ending to this absurdly long post:
After a life-changing conversation with trusted friends, time in prayer, and personally researching gastric sleeve surgery, I have decided it's the next right step for me. My family and closest friends support this decision, and I have found a reputable clinic for the procedure. My surgery is scheduled for June 7th, and I am preparing for the physical and emotional changes ahead. I start a strict pre-op diet this Friday, so I'm definitely enjoying some favorite foods tomorrow! ...In some ways, this decision happened very quickly, and in others, it's been years in the making. I exercise pretty regularly, and I have tried various diets for years on my own, going back and forth in a way that has messed with my hope and my metabolism. In spite of living a wonderful life that I genuinely enjoy, I have been in the morbidly obese BMI category for most of the past 12 years, and I really need the fresh HOPE of a jump-start and a mental reset with food. And that is how I'm viewing this -- as a clean slate and a brand new chapter. Again, this is a relatively safe, laparoscopic, outpatient procedure, and I believe God has been preparing me for this path. I plan to be open and honest about it here, and to do the inner work and seek good counsel for the best mental and physical health outcomes!! I'm incredibly grateful for God's timing in the details and for the peace I feel today. This surgery represents a new era for me, and I feel really excited and hopeful (and admittedly a little nervous about the physical recovery). Your prayers for a smooth surgery and continued growth and peace are appreciated!! ❤
Woof - okay, my mind can rest now. Congrats to those who actually read all of this! lol Lord willing, there's more to come, and I'm excited to share it with you here. Happy Wednesday to you all!
For those who sincerely seek Him, God directs our steps and delights in every detail of our lives. Where we stumble and struggle, He will not allow us to fall or give up - He walks with us and holds our hand, and He clears the path and shows us the way forward!!
❤
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