20~Freedom!!

Today I am thankful for freedom - for the freedom from sin and death that I have in Christ and for the freedom I have as an American citizen.  I'm also thankful for having the day off work.  :)

And now, a Words of Wisdom Wednesday-ish quote fest!

Happy Veteran's Day to our military heroes and their families!!

(If you have Zac Brown Band in your head now, you're welcome. lol)

21~Hope

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."  ~Ecclesiastes 3:11

I saw  the movie About Time this Friday.  It broke it's own 'time travel rules' a few times, but I really liked the characters and the lesson of this movie.  This was NOT a Hope Floats or P.S. I Love You kind of film, and yet toward the end, for reasons I couldn't possibly have verbalized at the time, I broke down crying harder than I've ever cried in another movie.  I could barely catch my breath in my lovely reclining seat.  Tears were still flowing on my way out of the theater -- I was thankful to be alone for this one -- then I had to compose myself before I started to drive.  I went shopping at Target, and started crying again looking at their Christmas cards and had to leave before I got my shopping done.  This was different from other times I've felt upset.  I got home and tried to write out what I was feeling, but had no luck at all, so I decided I was just "thankful for rest" that night. 

After some more thought, I believe I may have figured it out.  The overarching point of the movie was to be present.  To love and enjoy the people around you and to notice the little things, to look up and make eye contact, to make the most of the little opportunities.  But the undercurrent was something that feels true for all of us here on earth - that no matter how much time you have with the people you love, it is never enough.

Of course, part of my thoughts were grieving the loss of my best friend, the loss of her heart, the way the memories will never be enough.  But part of it was on what I have right now, the little things that I so often take for granted.  I do my best to take pictures and write down quotes and document the little things that make me happy, but even then, it's never enough.  Time marches on, and we need to be present and alive to the great things in front of us today.  Because things change... and friends leave... and life doesn't stop for anybody.  God has planted eternity in our hearts, and I was incredibly aware of that on Friday night.  Death and loss and abandonment and grief are never natural or easy for us because our hearts are created for eternity.

So today, I am THANKFUL for the hope I have in knowing that the kingdom of Christ is truly coming!  That I will spend eternity in heaven with all the people I love most here!!!  That relationships and heart connections will endure forever, with no fear of change or loss.  That comforts me to no end!

I am also thankful that right here on earth where time steadily marches on, "God has made everything beautiful for its own time."  There is so much beauty and love and life surrounding me on any given day, and I want to always be present for that and connect with those who want to connect with me!

So here are some little things I'm thankful for through just this past week:

Bubby Jace having to tiptoe to reach the door handle, opening and closing the door 1,000 times as Mom says hello and goodbye, and just having the time of his life! lol

He's at such a fun age, the age of tricycles and sippy-cups and learning new words every day!  It won't last forever, but it's wonderful right now!

The colors of Fall!

My Dad hiring a landscaper for me, which I learned through an email with before and after pics! lol

A kid in our courtroom drew this picture of my judge to give to him.... so funny.

Listening to Jeff and Jay and baby Eden sing the Baylor fight song the night Baylor beat OU!  Watching football and eating Aspen Diner sandwiches with great friends!

Laura (referring to the bear-claw ending):

"Oh, I didn't know 'jazz hands' would be involved!" :)

Baby Titus Holland being super calm and smiling for photos!

Hanging out with a fun group of girls, and celebrating the fact that some BFFs really last forever.

Writing Christmas cards to young children to go with the gift boxes.

Time hanging out with the women's lifegroup, wrapping gifts, watching Elf, and eating Christmas cookies!

The kindness of Kelly Marie!

God is good.  Life is good.  There is beauty here right now.

Soak it all in and be thankful and be present!

(And remember when it feels like you've lost something irreparable that heaven is coming and eternal love and connection will FINALLY be our reality!)  

...Get excited! =)

24~Chocolate!

Something a bit lighter for today... I'm thankful for chocolate ~ whether hot or frozen (or in candy bar or cake form), it's always a fun treat!  =)

Laura and I drinking our Chocolate Chai Tea Latte (I finally tried it, Kelly - yum!) and Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate to stay warm whilst walking around Crescent Park. 

I got really cracked up that in our 45 minute workout, we both drank a hot chocolate beverage, pulled up our hoods (which affected our peripheral vision), and stopped for a lengthy photo op (getting the iphone camera to flash while taking the picture myself proved to be quite difficult.)  But hey, no one else was out there with us in the early dark wintery coldness - so mini-kudos to us for our workout dedication, however ridiculous it gets. lol  Oh, the Starbucks red cups also make me very happy - hooray for the holiday season!!

This pic = me and Laura celebrating our 'friend-iversary' at her mom's house with Andy's Frozen Custard!  If you haven't tried Andy's yet, may I recommend that you do so today!! =)  I get the "Triple Chocolate Concrete" - cookie dough and melted chocolate chips in chocolate custard.  It's epically fantastic!  Laura gets the "James Brownie Funky Jackhammer" - peanut butter and brownies in vanilla custard with a pool of hot fudge in the center!  Also pretty great, but I feel dumb ordering it with that name. lol

Anywho, I'm thankful for the mood-boosting power of chocolate, and for having great friends to share it with!  

That's all for now.  Happy Baylor football day!! ;-)

26~Kelly's Group

Today, I'm thankful for the "Diving Deeper Women's LifeGroup," aka Kelly's Group!  I've been in it for a while now, and it's something I look forward to every Tuesday.  We are going through Beth's Daniel study right now, and since this is my 3rd time around, I know what to expect and which sessions are my favorites.  Tonight's lesson (#7) is one of them - get excited! :)

Anyway, I really enjoy being part of a women's group.  I'm thankful for the Bible study, prayer, friendship, fun events like the Pumpkin Patch (pictured above), and doing service projects together!!

27~Lauralai

Five years ago today, through our mutual friends Kristin and Tara Lynn, I met Laura Allison at an Election Watch Party.  (I typically remember dates and details, but that event makes this one especially easy to remember.)  I immediately knew I liked her when she turned to me and said, "I really agree with your thoughts on that subject," and I looked at her with confusion because I hadn't really said anything about it, to which she said, "Oh, I guess I should inform you I've been reading your blog!" =)  ...So even though the election didn't end well for us, I look back on that night with joy and good memories! :)  

I am so very thankful to have met Lauralai Allison, and for all the fun and laughter and quirks and deep discussions and walks and races and ridiculous pictures and memories through the last five years!!  She's been my friend through thick and thin (...a little pun intended.) ;)  We've become known as "the other BFF" or "the local BFF" with each other... (but I guess I can drop the adjective at this point).  Truly, she is my closest friend, and I'm grateful for her kindness, encouragement, trustworthiness, sense of humor, and the heart connection between us!

So HAPPY FRIEND-IVERSARY, Lauralai Allison!

...I look forward to our "Tinfinity Party" in five years! ;-)

Love you!!

“Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world!”  ~Anne (with an E)

28~Clarity

 Today, I'm thankful (really) that I've finally come to understand one simple thing that makes everything else clearer to me:  Her heart is not in it.

No one is perfect, and both of us could have done certain things better.  But in the end, it all comes down to the heart.  I believe any friendship or relationship can be saved when both people truly want to save it, when their hearts are together on that point.  But no relationship can function or continue for long when that dynamic is one-sided and the other person has closed off.

I'm not saying she is heartless, just that her heart (for the past couple years) was not in this.  I'm also not saying for a second that she didn't try.  Considering it from this angle, she actually tried pretty hard to "keep this thing going," as she put it.  But her final emails to me (and the fact that she chose to end a six-year best friendship via email) make a lot more sense in that light.  She used the terms "exhausting," "dysfunctional," and "too intense,"  saying that "surface level friendships" are what "work for her right now."  She made it sound very trivial by saying we've had "some good days" over the past few years.  But realizing that her heart wasn't in the friendship helps me not to interpret that so personally.  She had no genuine interest in having a best friend, but simply wanted me to exist on the same level as all her other friendships, or slightly beneath them because I live in Tulsa.  And I have no interest in that.  It's obviously not about the distance between our physical locations - that is no problem at all if our hearts are on the same page.  Unfortunately, they are not.

For a while, I had felt frustrated and mistreated and desperate, because subconsciously, I knew.  I knew that she was pulling away and disengaging.  I felt it in a million little ways, and it felt cruel and confusing.  Nothing that I said or did or gave ever seemed to be enough, and I didn't know how to fix it.  The only thing she really wanted from me was more and more space, which made me panic because that's how it started with Josh...

I absolutely cannot be part of a friendship where all my emotions and words are belittled and viewed through the lens of being "the whims of a depressed person."  It is exhausting to put your whole heart into strengthening a friendship when the other person has withdrawn theirs.  It is confusing to feel forgotten and mistreated by someone, yet genuinely believe that you could not survive without that person.  (Obviously, God is correcting that mindset for me now.)

I am an optimist at heart, and the very last thing I ever want to do is to give up on another person or a close relationship.  But looking at this from her side, I know she gave up a while ago.  She wants to be done, and she has been as clear on that point as anyone ever could; I just refused to listen well and believe it for a while.

So I'm thankful for clarity on the fact that her heart is not in this.  And I'm even more thankful for having clarity that that is not a mark against me.  By God's grace, I'm as certain of that as I can be!  For whatever reason (and I don't have to understand the reason), she's "just not that into me." lol  The concept applies in friendships, too.  I wish that were not the case, but no one can force another person to love and care about them.  There are so many things that I'll definitely miss, but it helps me to acknowledge that our hearts are in very different places, and truly, we value different things.  We can wish each other well and say goodbye and move forward.

And I can put my heart into friendships with people whose hearts are with me, who love and respect and enjoy me as much as I love and respect and enjoy them!! =)

29~Good Things Ahead!

It's awesome to live in the moment and be grateful for what's around me right here and now, but I also love having things to look forward to -- both small things and big events on the calendar ahead -- like days off, lifegroup events, celebrating my three favorite holidays, my graduation, and my 30th birthday in Vegas with my wonderful friends! =)

I'm pretty sure it will be epic fun!  :)

^^...and if ever they make a movie about it, here are my casting suggestions. lol ;-)

Yep, this is how I choose to spend my free time sometimes. lol  But I think this would work out well, on both looks and personalities.  Anyway, yay for movie-worthy memories and for looking forward and being excited about what lies ahead!! =)