This book taught me a lot and gave me a good dose of hope for future relationships. What stood out most for me was that I don't have to pull back, minimize, or downplay my need for emotional connection. It's not wrong or needy or codependent for me to really seek a healthy partnership and closer friendship connections. A good marriage to a secure and supportive person would actually raise my personal security level and strengthen me as I pursue my dreams and goals. I am not doomed to either being relationally dissatisfied or being mistreated in my closest relationships, and there is not something inherently too much or "wrong" with me that has caused other relationships and close friendships to fail - that's the most important lesson for me to try to fully grasp here! Partnerships between anxiously attached and avoidant people will always be more difficult because of our conflicting basic needs for intimacy vs. distance. We typically end up bringing out the worst in each other. And that wasn't my fault or hers. (Repeat that last sentence ad nauseam until I believe it.)
Attachment theory explains a million little things and past relational situations I once had big questions about. And in the end, it shows me that I need to grow in my ability to effectively communicate my own needs for closeness and/or support, to *quickly* recognize and step back from avoidant relationships, and to believe that there is hope of finding a securely-attached partner who genuinely loves and values me!!
Anyway, this audiobook was encouraging and hopeful for my anxiously-attached self, so I'm taking the time to re-listen to the bookmarked spots and document several quotes below:
“Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”"Anxious: You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner’s behaviors too personally. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. If the other person provides a lot of security and reassurance, however, you are able to shed much of your preoccupation and feel contented."
"Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don’t get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need."
"Avoidant: It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner.”
“Also, people with different attachment styles tend to explain why they are still alone in a different manner: People who are anxious often feel that there is something wrong with them; secures will have a more realistic view of things, and avoidants attribute their single status to external circumstances...”
“It is very important that you be compassionate with yourself. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you'll want to go back to the false safety of the bad relationship you were in. Your attachment system gets activated more when you feel bad about yourself.”
“So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if you're with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.”
"Mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness... even for people who love each other greatly. If you are in such a relationship, don't feel guilty for feeling incomplete or unsatisfied. After all, your most basic needs often go unmet, and love alone isn't enough to make the relationship work.”
"We call this situation the Anxious-Avoidant Trap... once you're caught, it's hard to break free. They are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other's insecurities. People with an anxious attachment style cope with threats to the relationship by activating their attachment system, trying to get close to their partner. People who are avoidant have the opposite reaction. They cope with threats by deactivating, taking measures to distance themselves from their partners and turn off their attachment system. Thus, the closer the anxious tries to get, the more distant the avoidant acts."
“But make no mistake: The compromise is in no way mutual; it is in fact wholly one-sided. With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground... Instead of engaging in endless conflict that results in nothing but frustration and disappointment, they have decided to change their expectations and reduce conflict to tolerable proportions... But we advise you to think long and hard about whether you want to make so many concessions to be with this person. "
“You now live in suspense, anticipating that next small remark or gesture that will reassure you. After living like this for a while, you start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion.”
“Chances are, if you are anxious, you will automatically interpret calmness in the relationship as a lack of attraction... The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don't let emotional unavailability turn you on."
"Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs. The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship—and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren’t good or bad, they are simply your needs. Don’t let people make you feel guilty for acting 'needy' or 'dependent.'”
“If you're anxious, when you start to feel something is bothering you in a relationship, you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotions and think in extremes. Unlike your secure counterpart, you don't expect your partner to respond positively but anticipate the opposite. You perceive the relationship as something fragile and unstable that can collapse at any moment. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively.”
"If you are with an Avoidant partner, you are constantly being rejected and rebuffed. After experiencing these distancing strategies for a while, you start to blame yourself. You may believe that if your partner were with someone else, she or he would act differently. That with another, she or he would surely want to be closer than with you. You begin to feel unattractive and inadequate. Understanding that your arguments actually have a hidden subtext to them, that they genuinely are irresolvable, changes your perception of your own role dramatically. Once you understand that your partner will always find areas of contention as a way of maintaining distance, and that she or he will always need to withdraw no matter whom she or he is with, you will no longer blame yourself for the relationship problems."
"There is a major difference between couples who are dealing with non-attachment-related issues and those who are engaged in intimacy struggles. While the first couples want to find a common ground and reach a resolution that will bring them closer together, the latter engage in ongoing irreconcilable fights, or one of the two is forced to compromise unilaterally in areas that are near and dear to him or her."
"Chances are that if you're getting the cold shoulder, if your partner is much nicer to strangers and usually pleads the fifth, choosing not to talk to you, you've become the enemy. Your only crime has been to become too close to someone who can't tolerate it. This is in very sharp contrast to life in the inner circle with someone secure. Your wellbeing comes second to none. You are confided in first. Your opinion matters most. You feel admired and protected. Your need for closeness is rewarded with even more closeness."
"Once you're convinced that you've become the enemy, why is it still so hard to walk away? First, because it is very painful. As painful as it is to be mistreated by your partner, severing an attachment bond is even more excruciating. You may understand rationally that you should leave, but your emotional brain may not be ready to make that move... You will get overwhelmed by positive memories of the few good times you had together and forget the multitude of bad experiences... An activated attachment system is immensely powerful. When we break up with someone, our attachment system goes into overdrive and we can think of nothing but getting back together with our loved one. Just being in the same room is enough to entirely relieve the anxiety in a way that no other single friend or family member can."
"Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don't get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go."
"We believe that every person deserves to experience the benefits of a secure bond. When our partner acts as our secure base and emotional anchor, we derive strength and encouragement to go out into the world and make the most of ourselves. He or she is there to help us become the best person we can be, as we are for them."
"There is no one for whom attachment theory has more to offer than men and women with an anxious attachment style. Although you suffer the consequences of a bad match and an activated attachment system more intensely, you also stand to gain the most from understanding how the attachment system works, which relationships have the capacity to make you happy, and which situations can make you a nervous wreck."
"Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become!"
"Don't lose sight of these facts: Your attachment needs are legitimate. You shouldn't feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to. It is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship from an attachment perspective should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wakeup call. And above all, remain true to your authentic self."
