Love Story

 "Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone. I'll be waiting; all that's left to do is run!"

"But I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you was fading when I met you on the outskirts of town. And I said, 'Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come. Is this in my head? I don't know what to think.' He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said, MARRY ME, JULIET, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE. I LOVE YOU AND THAT'S ALL I REALLY KNOW. I'll talk to your dad, you'll pick out a white dress. It's a love story, baby, just say yes!'"

I love, love, love it! Go Taylor Swift... I'm suddenly a fan! :)

Movin' On Up!

In the same mindset with the last post, I've been thinking a lot lately about a speech Amy Groeschel gave... she compared living for God to climbing uphill on the down escalator. The natural flow of our culture constantly pulls us down, and the violent opposition of our Enemy is constantly pushing us down. To really get anywhere, we have to be purposeful and aggressive.

When looking back through the last several months of posts, I feel like I've learned a lot, gained a lot of deep spiritual insight, but generally gone nowhere in life (as in, haven't really improved much as a person). Why? Because I haven't been determined enough to be a woman of integrity and excellence... I didn't realize that standing still for a few minutes = moving downhill. But that's the truth -- apathy and laziness isn't acceptable to God, and He is ALWAYS WATCHING. Fighting passivity is more important than I originally thought.

Letting go of all bitterness is quite key as well... letting go may not be the best term. More like ripping or casting off bitterness. To me, the scene in Spiderman 3 when he's pulling with all his might to get the black suit of "venom" off of him = the perfect depiction of getting rid of bitterness. It seems to fit and it wants to cling to you; it is aggressive and keeps coming back again and again. It makes the fleshly side of you feel good, but it changes you and makes everyone see you differently. And you have to be really determined to get rid of it, to live a life of freedom. You have to be willing to push through the crowd and finish the race with perseverance, to keep climbing even when you're completely exhausted!

And to keep in mind that you're moving higher and going deeper with God, and the eternal reward will be worth all the effort!!

Loud and clear,
I WILL be the woman God wants me to be.
I WILL do what God tells me to do.
I WILL have all God wants me to have.
I WILL NOT give up, under any circumstances!

My 16 Random Things...

I posted this when everyone was filling these out on Facebook, but in case I shut my Facebook down again someday, I wanted to post it here too. =)

1. Winter is my absolute favorite season… no bugs, snow, Christmas, ice skating, coats, hats, scarves, gloves, sweaters, hot chocolate, etc… I’m full of Christmas cheer!!

2. I don’t eat or drink after anyone that I wouldn’t willingly French kiss… so at the moment, I don’t eat or drink after anyone.

3. It drives me crazy when people text lengthy conversations. JUST CALL ME.

4. I saw Titanic 13 times in theaters and discovered something new and brilliant each time… (and I have high hopes that they’ll re-release it for its 25th anniversary in 2022 so I can up my total to 15. lol) It’s just so much more powerful on the big screen.

5. I have the same birthday as Michael Jordan and Paris Hilton, who is, coincidentally, one of my least favorite women alive.

6. I have trouble getting through an episode of the Wonder Years without tearing up. Same with Scrubs; hilarious, but often deeper than you expect.

7. I have a ridiculous, but very real, fear of bugs, mice, snakes, etc. Rach and I once rented a hotel room in Midwest City because there was a mouse in our house. :) And every summer, we came close to drowning ourselves when a wasp flew over the pool. Also, I once missed a class at OBU because there was a cricket between me and my door and I went into total paralysis mode. Not even kidding.

8. I really enjoy living by myself more than I’d ever expected to!

9. I loooooove ballroom dancing, and wish there were more places to do that, and more men who knew how to be a strong lead! Tango, Waltz, West Coast Swing, Cha-Cha, LOVE it!

10. I worry too much about what other people are thinking.

11. Las Vegas is my #1 vacation spot! I love it, though I don’t participate in anything the city is generally known for. Someday I want to own an MGM Residence suite!

12. I hate the word "chuckle." Just hate it.

13. I don’t like the taste of coffee, but I love the Gilmore Girls and really wish I liked coffee, so I often drink water from my Starbucks mug, because it’s just more fun that way. lol

14. I think Simon Cowell is hot and fantastically egotistical. And I’m still into American Idol after all this time… bring on Season 8!

15. I don’t like flying (because I get seriously motion sick), but I love the atmosphere in airports – people excited about upcoming trips or vacations, or finally getting back home to the families and friends they love… just fun to watch people there!

16. I have the Rappers Delight song and the cheesy Vanilla Ice, Ice, Baby song memorized, though I doubt I’ll ever sing them for anyone. =)

Coffee with cream and sugar, please

I recently heard someone compare bitterness to the bitter yet addictive taste of black coffee... saying that forgiving others and trusting God is like adding cream and sugar to change the bitter taste. I understand the analogy, but I quite disagree with that depiction.

I think when you really trust God, when you go all the way and let go of all offense and bitterness, it's like completely washing out the coffee cup and filling it w/pure water.

However, I think the first analogy is where most people, definitely including me, are in life. After my 2007 experience with friends, I have a lot of bitterness in my heart -- I've called it being "mildly bitter," but I doubt God appreciates that term -- toward so many people. I struggle with pride, jealousy, gossip/slander, manipulation, desire for vengeance, etc. But I'm careful not to let it show too much, to mask it with humor and edgy sarcasm. I add a dose of God and a little kindness to sweeten things up, so my bitterness is not as easy to recognize: The coffee's no longer black, but a friendly shade of brown.

But God wants a clear and transparent life... all bitterness (even the 'mildest') GONE. Even though God is inside me and I spend time with Him and enjoy my family and friends, inner bitterness will cloud it all and keep me from really hearing Him if I allow it to take up residence in my heart.

Yet ignoring conviction is easier than letting go of bitterness. It's not easy to feel used and rejected but keep my mouth shut and love people in return. It's hard to be genuinely happy for others who are getting the things I've been praying for for years. And it's not easy to keep sarcastic comments or interesting stories to myself, even when I know it's wrong to say it. The prideful voice in me is much louder than the whispers of God, so I need to shut it down and tune in to hear Him.

Living for God isn't necessarily complicated, but I would never call it easy!  What's more complicated is halfway living for God while holding on to selfishness and pride. (I think Jesus called it lukewarm, and He wasn't too fond of the taste either.)  It's time for me to make up my mind on whose image am I building, mine or God's!?  I'm tired of the coffee w/cream and sugar routine, but I need God's help becoming pure and transparent.

Reflections 2008

So 2008 is coming to an end, and instead of making a long list of resolutions I probably won't keep, I'm going to focus on the memories, the highlights - the moments (good and bad) I'll remember from this year...

• Leading a girls group through Beth's Daniel study and finally becoming comfortable praying in a group setting!
• The opening of South Tulsa LifeChurch - so exciting!
• BodyPump workouts at Crossroads Church every Tuesday and Thursday for 7 months... challenging, but fun - exercise is always more fun with a group
• The Office or movie watching nights w/Mark and Natalie every Thursday... lots of fun while it lasted, but for many reasons, it gradually phased out.
• Mom and Dad sold the house where I'd lived since 3rd grade. Sadness. But they moved to a nice new house less than a mile away!
• Feb. 1st - inviting Bobbi to the Kelly/Reba concert (LOVE them both!!) and hanging out with her for the first time!
• Helping Natalie clean her old apartment as she was moving
• A sucky Valentines - left alone by friends who'd just become a couple; then finding out Daniel was hospitalized and in a coma =(
• Spent my birthday with the fam =) Our last night at the 9121 house in the Mary Engelbreit bedroom. :(
• Next day, saw Daniel & his family at the hospital; he died later that night and Grandad Doc died that day minutes later. (And then I ate a fourth of the leftover Merritt's cake Natalie had gotten for my birthday earlier that night at Elephant Bar... yep, emotional eating is not a myth.)
• Being touched by the depth of friendship between Dad, Bill, Bill, and Rick as we all attended the funeral for Rick's son, and a day later, the funeral for Dad's dad.
• Attending an Oscar Party - finally a use for my Hollywood knowledge! ;)
• My fav contestant was David Archuleta on American Idol - he was robbed!
• Messaged two old friends to apologize.  Z called weeks later, we had coffee and talked and forgave each other, and I finally have peace there. S and I tried to reconnect, but accepted that we have little in common now.  Both friendships were too damaged to be restored at this point, but I'm thankful to have more peace.
• Got bored and tried my first abstract painting, then did several after that!
• Sent his mom a letter doing all I could to leave things at peace; received a cold but civil response.  Letting it go.
• Read entire Left Behind series, including the prequels. That's sixteen 400-page books, and it was exciting to the very end!!
• Rach's 3-week stint as a waitress at Santa Fe :)
• Being stranded (w/Sprite spilled all over me from the mini-wreck) at the IXL fire station w/Judge Golden after our Okemah trial... such a funny day!
• Dog-sat for Piper Classen. :) Decided having a dog all the time isn't really something I want right now
• Reconnected w/Morgan after reading her devotional emails... always uplifting
• Worked with Switch youth from May to August; left because I was uncomfortable with the direction they were going with it
• Painted Blake's dorm room w/Mom and JB
• Touring the Sapulpa Historical Museum w/Paul (interning at courthouse for summer) -- so random! :)
• Read Waking the Dead, my favorite book ever. LOVE JOHN ELDREDGE. Seriously.
• OnePrayer series at LifeChurch, really awesome.
• Decorating for At The Movies, Mom helping me paint huge canvas!
• Started meeting w/Angie, Bobbi, and Hannah for accountability/reading/prayer. So wonderful.
• Started this blog! =)
• Made scrapbooks, signs, sacks, etc. for Emily's Cheer squad!
• San Antonio trip w/Rach... SeaWorld during Hurricane Dolly; watching My Boys and eating ice cream in our hotel room when we could've been doing a zillion other things :), Riverboat ride; RM pretending to be engaged and having to answer several questions - so hysterical!!
• Beijing Olympics - opening ceremonies, Michael Phelps, Shawn Johnson!
• John Bevere at Victory then mini-Bible study at Merritts w/Morgan Elizabeth; so great!
• Prayer group for our country and the elections w/Kristin, Tara, Dave, Brenden, etc. (at my house or at the park) -- awesome.
• Joined running group w/Bobbi and Angie
• Ran first 5k race with them... yay!
• My first Remnant project... such a great group.
• Painted Batina's nursery and Emersyn's room =)
• Obama elected president
• Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL = hilarious.... "Maverick!"
• Running early in the morning in the rain w/Bobbi - ahh, memories
• Crying over Blake at Changie's Lifegroup and them laying hands on me in prayer; soooo meaningful
• Wrote Blake an encouraging letter
• Carrie Underwood concert 
• Billy Joe Daugherty = integrity. 
• Passing out campaign flyers w/TL and K-Lamb ...love them!
• Patriarchs study w/Ruth's Lifegroup... love Beth, and love that group!
• After several meetings and talks, started a new singles Lifegroup, co-leading it with Kristin and Bobbi!
• LOTR movie nights w/TL and K-Lamb... such spiritually powerful movies... getting an image of the power in letting go of strongholds that poison me
• Helping Mom decorate the new house for Christmas!
• Driving around looking at Christmas lights w/Mom and Dad, listening to The Emmanuel CD
• Reading Mere Christianity and recognizing that I need to surrender more fully to God
• Growing w/God through the year's highs and lows, learning to trust Him better, and wanting to live with more purpose and passion than I have been!!

"One life on earth will soon be past;

Only what's done for Christ will last."

Mere Christianity

"How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been; how gloriously different the saints."

"Wickedness, when you examine it, turns out to be the pursuit of some good in the wrong way... Evil is a parasite, not an original thing."

"God will invade. But I wonder whether people who ask God to interfere openly and directly in our world quite realize what it will be like when He does. When that happens, it is the end of the world. When the author walks on to the stage, the play is over....For this time, it will be God without disguise; something so overwhelming that it will strike either irresistible love or irresistible horror into every creature. It will be too late then to choose your side."

"Sometimes our pride also hinders our charity; we are tempted to spend more than we ought on the showy forms of generosity (tipping, hospitality) and less than we ought on those who really need our help." 

"Most of us are not really approaching the subject in order to find out what Christianity says: we are approaching it in the hope of finding support from Christianity for the views of our own party."

"God knows our situation; He will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. What matters is the sincerity and perseverance of our will to overcome them." (Thank God for that!!)

"All killing is not murder any more than all sexual intercourse is adultery... War is a dreadful thing, and I can respect an honest pacifist, though I think he is entirely mistaken."

"It was through pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind. It is a terrible thing that the worst of all the vices can smuggle itself into the very center of our religious life... It is purely spiritual: consequently it is far more subtle and deadly.... The devil laughs. He is perfectly content to see you becoming chaste and brave and self-controlled provided, all the time, he is setting up in you the Dictatorship of Pride."

"If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next." (Amen!!)

"We cannot compete, in simplicity, with people who are inventing religions. How could we? We are dealing with fact. Of course, anyone can be simple if he has no facts to bother about."

"Of course, what these people mean when they say that God is love is often something quite different: they really mean 'Love is God.'"

"I think that many of us, when Christ has enabled us to overcome one or two sins that were an obvious nuisance, are inclined to feel (though we do not put it into words) that we are now good enough. He has done all we wanted Him to do, and we should be obliged if He would now leave us alone. As we say, 'I never expected to be a saint, I only wanted to be a decent ordinary chap.' And we imagine when we say this that we are being humble....... But the question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us....... We may be content to remain what we call 'ordinary people' but He is determined to carry out a quite different plan. To shrink back from that plan is not humility; it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience." ❤

"If you are a nice person - if virture comes easily to you - beware! Much is expected from those to whom much is given. If you mistake for your own merits what are really God's gifts to you through nature, and if you are contented with simply being nice, you are still a rebel: and all those gifts will only make your fall more terrible, your corruption more complicated, your bad example more disastrous."

"It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His Personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.... As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about, you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether."

"Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."
~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

LOVED this book!

Letting Go...

So good conquered evil in the end, and it all hinged on one moment, one key decision: Frodo had to let go of the cursed ring and let it be destroyed by fire. He'd made the long and dangerous journey and was standing on a cliff overlooking the only fire strong enough to destroy the ring's power... Sam was yelling for him to drop it, but the longer he looked at it and thought about it, something in him just didn't want to let go. WOW, I felt God speaking to me there. The image applies to any stronghold or addiction, but God was working on a specific one that I keep looking back on, not quite wanting to release it.

YOU CAN'T GO FARTHER UNTIL YOU LET THIS GO. IT IS KILLING YOU AND DRAGGING YOU DOWN, BUT FAR BETTER THINGS ARE WAITING FOR YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE IF YOU WILL SIMPLY RELEASE IT AND TRUST ME. 

"Since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up..."

My heart is seeking freedom, yet it remains captive to a broken relationship that I haven't been willing to fully let go of... one that has plagued me and messed with my mind for far too long. I didn't want to let it go and move on because I felt that would be proving this guy right in his stance that God told him to do this.  I also didn't want to be a basket case because I felt that would prove him right in defriending me... I felt that he would "win" either way, and that drove me crazy. And even though it's weakening me and causing nothing but pain, some prideful part of me still feels that letting go equals losing something... I want to claim "my" bitter desire for revenge, and to hold on to this twisted love that has, at times, turned me into someone I truly do not recognize. Which also goes with the movie... it gave me a really clear image to put with it and helped me see how ridiculous it is to hold on to something so poisonous.
And as I watched that scene, in my spirit, I was standing there... at the end of a long journey, at the edge of a dangerous cliff... carrying a heavy burden that I've become quite attached to... feeling the warfare and realizing that this choice matters more than I'd ever thought... knowing that "decision time" has arrived, and what I must do is trust God enough to cast it into the fire without hesitating or pausing to dwell on it one last time........... and let it go.